He's closer to my parent's age than my own.

[KissMyWit]

I'm starting a relationship with a man that captured my attention from the very first moment I laid my eyes on him at the age of 15. I'm now 20 and he is 34. He's one of the most attractive men I've ever met. Everything from his wavy brown locks to his infectious smile and not to mention the fact that he has one of the most magnetic personalities I've ever come accross. He makes me feel beautiful and alive...it's exhillerating! I think I could truly come to love this man BUT a constant nagging voice in my head keeps reminding me that it could never work because one day he'll wake up and realize that i'm barely an adult and leave me for someone his own age. Or my parents will beat him to it and tell him that he's too old for me...After all he's only 7 years younger than my mother and and 13 years younger than my father. My mother, who knows his family, has said that she thinks he's too old and that I'm crazy for even considering him as the object of my affections. She thinks that he would be taking advantage of my youth and thinks that there is something wrong with him for liking a woman so much younger than him. My mind is a tangled mess and I don't know whether this relationship is going to bring more hardship than happiness. I want to say that love conquers all but can it overcome overbearing parents and society's view on vast age differences?

 

 

Sorry for rambling so long but I need to get this off my chest. Please give me some feedback so I can start to sort my thoughts and feelings with some semblance of sense.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not a big fan of age gap relationships and agree with your mother. I find many age gap relationships have more to do with the much younger woman wanting a father-figure/older brother kind of figure while the much older man likes the status of showing off some younger person on his arm...it is also almost a teacher/mentor type of relationship. Having said all that, the bottom line is that your love life is yours to conduct and not up to your parents or anyone else to decide. You need to go with your comfort level on this. It is good to take into account what others are saying...at least you know the possible pitfalls....but the choice of dating is between you and this guy only. You are legally an adult and don't need the approval of your parents or anyone else.

[Fudgie]

I want to say that love conquers all but can it overcome overbearing parents and society's view on vast age differences?

 

Short answer: sort of. If you love someone and you're 18+ then you can be with them for sure, but be prepared for some backlash.

 

I'm with a man much older than myself. He's about 4 years older than each of my parents. It's something that doesn't cross my mind often but it's there. We get crap sometimes so yes, it's difficult. Most of the time, it's from total strangers or people who don't really know us as a couple.

 

It sounds like the numbers bother you and you are concerned for the future. It's very natural. What about kids? Future health problems? It's right to think about it and make a choice with those in mind.

 

I can't tell you whether to go with this guy or not. I have no idea of his intentions or whatnot. I agree with crazyaboutdogs, you need to go with what you're comfortable with and your gut.

[Elessar]

Hi Kissmywit, I'm new to this forum. I actually joined because I'm seeking advice about a situation I find myself in which is pretty much identical to your situation, accept the roles are reversed. I'm the 34 year old guy (single & no kids) and she is 20. We have known each other for about 5 years now. However, my feelings for her have only surfaced this past year. We recently admitted to each other that we have feelings for one another. I've never had trouble meeting women, but the truth is that it's been a long time since I've felt this way about someone (only 3 times in my life). I can also say that my feelings are legit. I'm a very decent, caring, honest, attractive, healthy, and well respected guy with a good job/career and a good family - I'm not a freak or a creep, and I'm not looking for a "trophy". This is totally legit, which is why I have concerns. I never thought I'd fall for a girl that is 14 years younger than me.

 

So, my questions for you are:

A) How are things working out?

B) What kinds of backlash/issues have you experienced so far that I might expect if I pursue this?

C) What are his thoughts on the relationship?

 

Sorry for the long post... I'm just really torn about this because I'm a practical guy, but I can't deny my feelings either. Basically, I'm worried about all of the things you mentioned and also some of what crazyaboutdogs mentioned. However, my feelings for her are real. This is not some game or fantasy or anything for me. I trully care about her and want the best for her. So much so, that I'd walk away if it turned out to be the best thing for her, despite my own feelings. But, as I said, she feels the same for me.

 

Any advice or help you can give me on this would be much appreciated.

Thanks so much.

Elessar

[Fudgie]

Elessar,

 

I am 20 and was involved with a man 15 years my senior when I was 18. We met when I was 18 as well. We are not together anymore (not age gap-related) but it was not a bad relationship. I'd like to offer you some advice.

 

Sounds like you are practical and have a good head on your shoulders. That is good. It's good when 2 people enter a relationship liking each other but yet not totally immersed in that lovey-dovery emotional part.

 

What is the woman like? Is she mature? Honest? Not manipulative? I find that age gap relationships tend to work when BOTH parties have mutual interests, mutual goals (in terms of having a relationship together), as well as maturity and openess. If she's a partying person, it may not end well. Make sure she is open with you and honest, and isn't playing games.

 

I find that age gaps of over 10 years, especially when the younger person is below the age of 25, garner the most "backlash". As long as your relationship is secure and healthy, then it shouldn't matter. Most of the backlash will be from people who don't know you well, because if you're in a health relationship, people who know/care about you will see that it's fine and learn to live with it.

 

As time goes on, it gets more and more "normal". I have a teacher who is in her 30s and she married a guy who is 15 years her senior and no one batted an eye at it. By that time, no one really cares about it anymore, which is good.

 

Just make sure that the woman does not see you as an authority figure. This is why I would be worried if some of my friends dated older guys - they all view guys who are 30+ as "old men" and "father figures". You need to see as other as EQUALS first and partners. Yes, the age gap may give you an advantage in terms of experience, but that doesn't mean that you ought to have any more power or say than her, nor look down upon her.

 

It's an equal partnership, first and foremost.

 

I wish you luck.

[KissMyWit]

Honestly, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and welcome any more comments you may have.

I have been thinking quite a lot about my concerns over this relationship, weighing the pros and cons and trying to be logical about my decision making. I have come to the conclusion that the good definitely outweighs the bad right now. I'm sure that there will be age-related obstacles but I feel I owe myself the chance to know this man for who he is not how old he is. While contemplating this whole age gap issue I came to the realization that I am putting too much emphasis on the age difference rather than looking at compatibility.

If you were to see us together, having never met either of us you wouldn’t guess that I’m 14 years younger than him. I have been raised in a culture that expected me to learn the roles of a woman at an early age and I had no choice but to grow up quickly. This coupled with my height, facial structure and stature makes me seem more mature and in turn he has a very laid-back personality as well as being outgoing and has an almost child-like enthusiasm about him that makes him seem more youthful than his 34 years. I think we suit each other physically and intellectually, which is something I have never experienced with any man my own age.

For now, we are keeping things mostly under wraps and only a few close friends know. (Definitely not my parents...yet). So far, we have been taking things slow and enjoying each other’s company and despite a couple initial concerns from his friends, everyone has been fairly supportive. They seem to worry that this is just a phase or that I’m too young to seriously commit to anyone but as they get to know me I think their concerns are abated.

[abitbroken]

I normally see no problem with an age gap relationship if the younger person is at least 22 ish, but since the parents KNOW this man and worry about him rushing things with you or taking advantage, I would just investigate that. If he was a stranger, I could see their concern as fear. But if they actually have known this man for years, they could remember how he brought girlfriends around or how he treated them.

 

I would say, have fun, but on the other hand - if you have had a crush on him for 5 years you may be putting part of him on a pedestal. So just go with both eyes open and do what you can to get to know his true nature and then make more of a decision about him. I would avoid making any sort of commitment at this time, but that's just me.