I feel that I am waaay to shallow.

[Shylight]

I've had sex with a total of three people - all three that I, at least, felt that I loved. Maybe not truly but I definetly had strong feelings for them. unfortunately, all three of them ended up not being very good guys. One only wanted me cause I was a virgin, the other 'loved' what I gave to him not who I was, he thought he had control over me, and the third and most recent values me as a close friend, but could never love me.

 

Because of these experiences and how much I was hurt by them, I have decided I will only have sex with people whom I am A.) in a relationship with, and B.) have feelings for. and C.) I know loves me. What I want most from a guy is be 'loved'. Like I mentioned before every sex partner I've had has never sincerely felt that way about me.

 

At the moment there are four people whom I know want a relationship with me, and I could trust and feel I could eventually, after dating and getting to know them better, could give me what I want most in a relationship. I feel so shallow in admitting this, but I would never date any of them because I am just not attracted to any of them! One of them I feel very close to emotionally, but physically not at all. The thought of having sex with or dating them is not appealing at all.

 

I feel terrible for saying these things but I can't help that I'm not into them sexually. Is this really such a bad thing? I can't understand how I could turn someone down when they would give me what I want most, but like I was discussing with a friend - you can't help it if your just not into them.

 

Should I give these guys a chance? Has anyone else ever had experience with this?

[nutbrownhare]

If you're not into someone sexually, don't force it. I've found from time to time that I was very attracted to guys who I'd never have found physically attractive initially, but having got to know them and built up a connection - they became attractive.

 

You don't say when your last sexual relationship finished, but it could be that you still need time to heal. If this is the case, no matter how wonderful the other person is, you're not ready for a full-on relationship. Just because someone wants a relationship with you, it doesn't mean you owe them anything - apart from honesty.

 

Your three criteria before you have sex are very wise, and not shallow at all. It's sad that you learned this the hard way, but it's still a lesson well learned. When you are ready, and the right person comes along for you - you'll realise soon enough!

[turnera]

Here's a novel thought: Why don't you just decide to not have sex with someone until you are married?

[misssmithviii]

There's many, many nice, good men out there - don't feel like you have to narrow it down to these 4 and you MUST make a decision which to be with sexually/in a serious relationship/whathaveyou.

 

If you don't want to sleep with someone, don't sleep with them. You can't force attraction. It's not shallow - it's preference, you just simply are not physically stimulated by these men... you have no obligation to anyone to be attracted to them haha

 

Best wishes, take it easy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are in the process of ending an FWB right now so perhaps your mind is not quite ready to think of anyone else sexually until you get over your feelings and frustration with the FWB.

[FathomFear]

Here's a novel thought: Why don't you just decide to not have sex with someone until you are married?

 

What happens if you find out that you're completely not sexually compatible?

[wheatgrass82]

No way.. Don't give them a chance... What the hell for? I don't get it. Do you have to be in a relationship? NO . we never evere do.. so why give people chances you dont like......

 

I've been liked by guys before I'm not attacted to and I have given them a chance but then I end up having sex with them once just to know for sure ... and that is always enough to snap me out of it.... what are you thinking??? you dont like ém... Don't date them... Best thing about relationships in the beginning is the mutual attraction.. why settle? are you in a rush to be in a r/ship just for sake of it?

[wheatgrass82]

Here's a novel thought: Why don't you just decide to not have sex with someone until you are married?

 

 

[turnera]

What happens if you find out that you're completely not sexually compatible?

 

You work together as married couples are supposed to do, to find a compromise.

 

Like nearly all married couples did until the 1960s, when people started having sex before marriage en masse. They DEALT with it. They didn't walk away from their marriage just because of that. They didn't have a 55% divorce rate - they FIXED their marriage instead of just throwing it away and looking for a 'better' one.

[FathomFear]

You work together as married couples are supposed to do, to find a compromise.

 

Like nearly all married couples did until the 1960s, when people started having sex before marriage en masse. They DEALT with it. They didn't walk away from their marriage just because of that. They didn't have a 55% divorce rate - they FIXED their marriage instead of just throwing it away and looking for a 'better' one.

 

Here's a novel thought: you marry someone you already know you're compatible with, rather than taking a leap of faith and then trying to fix it after marriage.

 

Either way, this thread isn't about sex before or after marriage. It's about the OP felling guilty over not wanting relationships with guys she's not attracted to.

[turnera]

Which is why you can leave sex out of the equation until you get to know them better.

[wheatgrass82]

Or... get to know them better THROUGH sex.... that hs worked for me.

 

if it feels good.. do it

[turnera]

if it feels good.. do it

Yep, that pretty much sums up the under-30 crowd today.