my boyfriend has a daughter with his ex

[inlove32]

Okay, so I'm going to try to make this short because I'm new to this site and I've been reading some of these posts and I don't know about you, but I hate reading the ones that are extremely long, so here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now and are crazy about each other. About 2 months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and made up some reasons as to why he was doing it. A couple weeks after that, he told me the real reason. He had moved to florida from new york a little while before I met him. He told me that he just found out that his ex-girlfriend in new york had a daughter and that he was the father. When he moved to florida, he changed his number so she was unable to contact him. However, a couple months ago, he contacted her to check up on her and make sure everything was going well and that's when she told him that he was a father. His daughter is about a year and a half now and since the daughter was born in new york, my boyfriend couldn't make them come down here. So, his ex said that the only way she would leave her career and life in new york is if he was willing to try to make it work with them. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't believe in second chances and that since it didn't work out with them the first time around, that he wouldn't try again. He has no interest in getting back with her but he was put in a bad situation because he wanted to spend time with his daughter. I brought up that maybe he could spend the summers with her and she could go back up to new york and spend the school year with her mother. However, my boyfriend didn't like that idea at all, he said he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could, especially since he missed the first year of her life. He wanted to be in her life completely and said that he shouldn't have to do it any other way. So he told his ex that he would try to make it work with them so she and his daughter would move to florida. So they did, and since his ex had no money and no job in florida, my boyfriend allowed them to stay with him in his apartment. My boyfriend has told me many times that he doesn't know how I put up with the fact that he lives with his ex and that he has a daughter and I tell him that I love him and that he puts up with all my * * * * , so it's only fair that I would put up with his. And even though he's partially at fault I guess for the situation, she was on birth control at the time and forgot to take her pills one day, and ended up pregnant. It is what it is. So my boyfriend told me before they moved in with him that he thought we should break up considering the circumstances. He said that she was going to try to get back with him, and even though he has no interest in her, he didn't want anything to happen with them and for me to end up hurt. Well that's exactly what happened. Since they're now living together, even though they sleep in separate rooms, I figured something might happen. My boyfriend tells me how she walks around the house naked, trying to get his attention. So, he finally gave her what she wanted. He had sex with her because he was tired of her complaining and new that if she wasn't satisfied, she could just go back to new york and he would never see his daughter. I don't really consider it cheating because we kind of weren't together at the time, I don't know, it's complicated. He says that he doesn't have time to deal with a relationship now and his ex can never find out, but we act like it anyway, so call it what you want, but we still consider ourselves in a relationship. So anyway, I was upset of course, and he told me that maybe he should just not tell me if they have sex because he doesn't want to hurt me. And although I don't want him keeping things from me, he's right, it upsets me a lot, so it might be best that he just not tell me. I really don't know what to do, it's just a bad situation. The sad part is that I was planning on moving in with him soon, but that obviously can't happen now. He only told her he would try, so I'm hoping after about a year, maybe less, when she finds a good job and can get her own place, that he can tell her that it's not working out with them and she can get her own apartment in florida. My boyfriend said that he doesn't care if he doesn't live with his daughter, just as long as she's in the same state so he can see her whenever he wants. And I understand that completely, I love that he wants to be there for his daughter, especially since I know that his father left him when he was born and I guess that's his motivation for wanting to be in his daughter's life so much. It's just a very complicated situation and I hope it solves itself out. I know I said I would keep this short, but once I started typing, I was just venting and getting everything out and this ended up being a lot longer than I expected, sorry. But thank you if you read this, and please leave me feedback, either if you have been/are in a similar situation or if you have advice to give or just something to say.

[PrincessBOT]

Length is not a problem, but please use paragraphs....this was so interesting I got through it though. You do not have a child with him and as much as you love him, he loves his child more. That is great, but you have to put yourself first and take yourself out of the situation because there is absolutely no reason why he had to sleep with his ex to see his daughter. If the mother is not working and he is such a great father he can ask the mother for custody til she get herself together or go to court, which he would be more fit to care for the child. Without the full time care of the child it should be easier for the mother to get on her feet. This is her plot to get your man back as her man and from the looks of it is working and he is letting it.

 

You can't come between him and his child, but you can suggest he take another route that has some consideration for you or you can respect yourself and just leave. What if she mysteriously forget her birth control and gets pregnant again. If he moved her into his home and slept with her for one child he will probably marry her with a second child, which is probably her plan. I have to say she is playing the game to win, what are you going to do?

[inlove32]

first off, I want to thank you so much for your advice and what you said...I like how you said, "If he moved her into his home and slept with her for one child he will probably marry her with a second child". That got me thinking a lot, because out of all the thoughts that crossed my mind about this whole situation, him having another child with her was not one of them. I know that he shouldn't have slept with her but I feel that I'm so far into this relationship with him, that it's forgivable. I can't say I didn't expect it, but when he told me, it hit a lot harder than I thought it would. However, they barely talk and I know he doesn't care for her like he cares for me and he doesn't have feelings for her. It was wrong of him to sleep with her, it was, but that doesn't make me want to give up what we have because of it, you know?

[Blue Skittles]

No one should ever have to put up with this kind of crap. And you shouldn't put yourself through it. He is living with his ex and kid and basically keeping you on the back burner??? If I were you I would walk out of this guys life completely and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Don't even look back. You can find someone way better than this that does not have this kind of baggage hanging around.

[FreedomRing]

How old are both you and him?

[inlove32]

I'm 18, and he's 21

[inlove32]

Oh, and he did get a paternity test, that's the first thing he did when he found out