Oh man, I really need advice...PLEASE

[no1lik3m3]

Ok so Im dating this guy that I met online. We met up a week ago and he's not ugly but he's not cute either. Well, at least thats what I think cuz he's not the type of guy I would date. I love being with him and talking to him, but when it comes to being out in public with him, it makes me uncomfortable. He's so nice and I know if I liked him more he could definitely be the best guy for me but I just cant seem to wanna be seen with him. I feel like Im a masoquist because Id rather date a cute guy that treats me bad. This is horrible. I need some advice please, he wants me to call him back to tell him whats wrong with me and I dont know what to tell him.

[Cheetarah]

I feel like Im a masoquist because Id rather date a cute guy that treats me bad.

 

That is really alarming.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

[Periwinkle.]

That's just plain shallow. You don't even deserve him if that's how you feel.

[DanDee]

Are you imtimate with him and if so, is that difficult?

 

Seems more like a social status thing, and it isn't at all fair to this guy. Cut him loose.

[no1lik3m3]

Im 22...i know is shallow thats why i feel horrible and i know it isnt fair at all to him. urgh...but then if i stop talking to him ima miss him and wonder what it would of been like if i would of liked him for how he is.

 

We havent been intimate but we've been pretty close to that, and i told him i didnt wanna do more than that cuz i wasnt ready, and he respected that. ay guys i feel so bad and this has never happened to me before. maybe i should cut off contact with him but when i think about not talking to him, i get sad. idk, im extremely confused.

[Cheetarah]

If you're more concerned and embarrassed with how he's going look next to you, then please do him a favor and leave him alone. It's perfectly acceptable to have your preferences. But it's entirely another to be embarrassed to be seen with him. And don't think you can swing this by only hanging out in each other's houses, either.

 

You need to work on this idea of being with a good looking guy who treats you badly. That's seriously worrisome. You are going to find yourself in horrible situations, all for the sake of some eye candy.

[HeartGoesOn]

Cut off all contact with him, and let him find someone who is more interested in who he is as a person, as opposed to how cute he is.

[Solo Pilot]

Omgosh what a post! I applaud your honesty but you need to get to grow up. Although I do admit your right. It is important to feel attracted to your partner. IF your attracted to him, then it shouldn't matter what other people think of you. Now I realize your young and so you still worry about things like that.

 

By reading your post I'm guessing your not attracted to him. It's best to let him go and not waste his time. You've got to ask yourself this question. Are you going to be one of those typical girls that dates someone who is eye-candy but treats them like garbage, or are you going to date someone who will treat you right.

 

On a side note: I thought women were less shallow than men. I thought you ladies looked past looks and were more into personality.

 

Sorry for these harsh words. You might need to think about the kind of guys your attracted to and how they treat you.

[abitbroken]

Im 22...i know is shallow thats why i feel horrible and i know it isnt fair at all to him. urgh...but then if i stop talking to him ima miss him and wonder what it would of been like if i would of liked him for how he is.

 

We havent been intimate but we've been pretty close to that, and i told him i didnt wanna do more than that cuz i wasnt ready, and he respected that. ay guys i feel so bad and this has never happened to me before. maybe i should cut off contact with him but when i think about not talking to him, i get sad. idk, im extremely confused.

 

If you enjoy being with him and have almost been intimate, you obviously like this guy despite your protestations. Its like you do, but then your brain turns on and says "wait a minute - i forgot, he isn't "cute" - I do think you are shallow and are in need of a reality check. When people are attracted to someone it doesn't mean that other person's got movie star good looks - they are attracted to something about them - their laugh, their smile, their kindness, etc. I am sure you are not perfect - what if you thought someone was wonderful and they dumped you because they only dated redheads or thought you could be prettier?

 

So - you have a choice.

 

1) Dump him. Be very sad and hopefully learn your lesson about being shallow, but most likely find a really cute guy who treats you terribly - but hey, he's cute. (and if you do dump him, don't string him along as a "friend")

 

btw, if you met him online - didn't you see a photo first - so how can you blame him for how he looks if you already knew what he looked like?

 

2) Stay with him and decide 'who cares. If I like this guy who cares if he is not a hunk". And enjoy being with someone who you enjoy talking to and obviously respects you. You don't know where this is going. It doesn't mean you have to marry the guy, but you can see where it goes.

 

You know what - I look at some guys I knew when I was 17-22, and I now see pictures of them when they are in their mid 30s, there are a heckuva lot of guys who were really awkward looking or sort of average back then who now are very handsome and I wonder how the heck I missed seeing that. And guys who I thought were good looking - some of them are, but some of them really are not at all.

 

sorry if I sound like I am giving you a hard time, but posts like this are the reasons people think if a guy treats a woman decently, he can't catch a break

[generaldiscord]

Im 22...i know is shallow thats why i feel horrible and i know it isnt fair at all to him. urgh...but then if i stop talking to him ima miss him and wonder what it would of been like if i would of liked him for how he is.

 

We havent been intimate but we've been pretty close to that, and i told him i didnt wanna do more than that cuz i wasnt ready, and he respected that. ay guys i feel so bad and this has never happened to me before. maybe i should cut off contact with him but when i think about not talking to him, i get sad. idk, im extremely confused.

 

Hi, I remember being 22, it wasn't that long ago. Believe me, everything changes a lot.

 

You ARE shallow. That's why you can't understand your feelings for him. The good thing is, there's a good kind of shallow and a bad kind of shallow.

 

If you say, "I'm only attracted to a partner with blue eyes!" that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say. It is completely valid for you to only date people that YOU are attracted to.

 

If you say, "My friends would totally be grossed out if I didn't date a guy with blue eyes", then, not only are you stupidly and arbitrarily cutting out a huge proportion of entirely great guys, you're also cheating yourself out of finding what you want. Your friends don't actually care that much who you date as long as he doesn't hold you back. If they do, you need to find new friends.

 

It sounds, from the tone of your OP, that you are in the "Bad shallow" category. Even though you like him, and he's not ugly, you're embarrassed to be seen with any less than a movie-star good looking guy. Since the decent guys with movie star looks are all out dating perfect women, you're basically willing to trade your sweet understanding attractive-to-you-in-a-strange-way smart and charming guy for any muscle bound jock strap who will cheat on you and kick you out the second he finds something better.

 

That's not cool. If you can, remember that dating this guy is what YOU want, and that you have the right to make that decision for yourself. Otherwise I would take a break from dating if I were you, and try it again once you're confident enough in your own decisions.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Are you attracted to this guy? If yes, then it shouldn't matter what other people think. Chances are they really don't care as much as you do. But if YOU are not attracted to him, then let him go. I wouldn't wanna be with a guy that I'm not sexually attracted to either, no matter how great he treated me.

 

 

On a side note: I thought women were less shallow than men. I thought you ladies looked past looks and were more into personality.

 

Sorry for these harsh words. You might need to think about the kind of guys your attracted to and how they treat you.

 

We are less shallow than men, but we are still shallow to some degree. We have eyes too and we too appreciate beauty, unfortunately.

[Solo Pilot]

We are less shallow than men, but we are still shallow to some degree. We have eyes too and we too appreciate beauty, unfortunately.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting something pleasing to your eyes. Just have to realize that dating someone who is eye-candy isn't the number one priority. At least you ladies are smart enough to realize this.

[Vulcan800]

There is no hope for humankind with these sort of people running amok

[no1lik3m3]

I appreciate all the feedback, and a little while ago I talked to him and I told him that I couldnt speak to him anymore. I broke his heart I know. God will have a big punishment for me I know. But I've dated less than perfect looking guys and I noticed is not really his looks that mostly got me thinking I should let him go. I want a good guy yes, but a clingy guy NO, and he's like that. He's too romantic, he's too attentive, he's too perfectly nice and even though that's what I want, I have to admit that when a guy is like that at the beginning I become unattracted to them. Or maybe I was thinking that since I got off a relationship recently I might not be ready for a guy like that. I dont know guys, Im being a horrible person right now. yea maybe i do need to mature a bit more and stay single till then.

[abitbroken]

He's too attentive and nice????

 

I really think that you need counseling if you are turned off by guys that treat you well. I honestly think you should also explain this to him. maybe you don't owe it to him, but at least he would know that he did nothing wrong so at least he knows you are emotionally unavailable and its really nothing against him. That you just prefer someone who messes with your mind. Sorry if that sounds crass, but you really need to get some help before you end up with the wrong "cute but not nice" guy.

[Sparkly Eyes]

He's too attentive and nice????

 

I really think that you need counseling if you are turned off by guys that treat you well. I honestly think you should also explain this to him. maybe you don't owe it to him, but at least he would know that he did nothing wrong so at least he knows you are emotionally unavailable and its really nothing against him. That you just prefer someone who messes with your mind. Sorry if that sounds crass, but you really need to get some help before you end up with the wrong "cute but not nice" guy.

 

Too attentive and nice in the beginning of a relationship can be a turn off..I hate to say it, but it is true. Because the person will come off as clingy and often, once the newness of the relationship wears off, they will stop being that nice and will show their true colors.

 

There is no reason to be ashamed of how you feel and to feel like you are horrible. You are just not attracted to him, that's all.