BF has violent Ex-Wife ... Advice needed please

[shellysue]

Hi, I'm a newbie but have seen some of the great advice given ... hope someone can share some of it with me too.

 

I'm with a man I adore. We don't live together but have been talking about it recently. When we met 2 years ago, we fell in love but we were both married (unhappily) so we couldnt really do anything at the time. When we found out at around the same time that we'd both left our spouses, we got together. Its been a really rocky road -he has many issues -but the last few months have been fantastic, and we've become extremely close. The added surprise of me falling pregnant a few months ago had us a bit thrown at first but we're both very happy about it.

 

The problem here is that he was in an extremely abusive marriage for 7 years. His wife was very violent and although they've been apart for over a year, she still attacks him on a regular basis, even in front of their kids. They have two young children together (I have three from my marriage) and he was adamant he wanted to stay in the marriage for their sake, but eventually it became too much and he did leave. She also cheated on him 10+ times. Although I know he no longer wants to be with her and is very happy to be out of the marriage, I feel strongly that they are still emotionally entangled with each other, unhealthily so if she is still violent when she sees him. He has even gone as far as to lie to her about our relationship to avoid enraging her and also because he said he didnt want to hurt her feelings.

 

His marriage left him both terrified of commitment and with very low self-esteem (she verbally abused him in front of other people as well). She still has a certain degree of control over him and uses the children for this (he has informal custody of the children and she regularly threatens to remove them and take them overseas because of his relationship with me, which has caused lots of problems). Losing his children is his biggest fear and she uses this weapon very well.

 

I've now suggested that they go for family counselling to deal with these issues and also to work out adequate child access arrangements, and they start next week. But I've also now said that, as much as I love him, I'm going to step out of the equation while he gets this sorted out. I can't bear the thought of our child one day witnessing these attacks and I hate feeling that I am constantly in her shadow ... my life and his revolves around her whims and demands and he gives in to her, and because of this I fear I will start to lose respect for him, even though I know how difficult it is and how abrasive and aggressive she is when she doesnt get her own way.

 

He is very hurt that I'm doing this, even though I've explained that when he's ready and more emotionally available, I will be waiting for him. I know he loves me deeply and is happy with me. I'm devastated and miss him so deeply. I feel that I have done the right thing but it really hurts.

 

An outside opinion would be so appreciated, in case I've completely lost my head here and am being an idiot. Thanks.

[woobiegirl]

Hi Shellysue,

 

Welome to e-NotAlone and your 1st post. I can tell by what you wrote that you are a strong and caring person, and it sounds like you're b/f and you get along well,...with exception to the ex. It's amazing what verbal abuse can do to someone (male or female) ...they say if you hear it long enough you start to believe it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with this, and even though he probably should have put a stop to it sometime ago...now would be a good time to start. He now has a chance for a new beginning with you, (and your future new arrival) but a healthy one. I think what you're looking for is for him to stand up to her because he shouldn't have to hide the fact that he's moved on with his life. He doesn't owe her any explanations anymore regarding his personal life. If they have contact, it should be strictly about the children. If she's that violent...then he can consider getting a restraining order.

 

You've probably spooked him by backing off...he's scared and he get's his strength from you right now. He's going to need to step up to the base and take his stand...for both your sakes.

 

Good luck,

Woobiegirl

[shellysue]

Thank you for your comments and support. Its much appreciated.