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He said he wants to hurt me before i hurt him what does this mean

fawndango

By fawndango
in Breaking Up Advice

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Kinkz Rookie

Kinkz

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How attached are you to this guy? I take it that you do like him at some level or why would you even invest any time/effort into a person who is mostly bitter..

 

Maybe he wants to see if you are going to leave him or not, I think he may be afraid of losing you and before you set his fears in motion, he wants to be the man who pushes you away and then has some sort of an excuse for behaving the way he behaves in.

 

Hmm ask him what his issue is.

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fawndango Apprentice

fawndango

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What has he been doing to sabotage things?

 

Well he has been flirting with other women, tells me that "everyone flirts", then yesterday he tells me that "everyone cheats". I blew a fuse. I broke up with him twice already in the last month due to the flirting and talking about other women etc. apparently it seems he is too honest for his own good. Cuz he doesn't shy away from telling me the truth. Then he said "I want to hurt you before you hurt me".

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fawndango Apprentice

fawndango

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How attached are you to this guy? I take it that you do like him at some level or why would you even invest any time/effort into a person who is mostly bitter..

 

Maybe he wants to see if you are going to leave him or not, I think he may be afraid of losing you and before you set his fears in motion, he wants to be the man who pushes you away and then has some sort of an excuse for behaving the way he behaves in.

 

Hmm ask him what his issue is.

 

I broke up with him the first time over this flirting nonsense, and i went to get my stuff from his house and i had a mental breakdown and i couldn't leave. The second time i got fuming mad, and when i went to go get my stuff, he was there. So i guess he didn't want me to leave. So now i have broken up with him twice over this flirting business so who the hell knows. Now he is out to hurt me? He is the one that caused all of this nonsense and has been hurting me.

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Nixee Enthusiast

Nixee

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My guess is that he has trust issues in a major major way.

 

He tells you those things because he is waiting for YOU to flirt with someone else and cheat on him. He is therefore using his fear to, in a sick way, validate his own pushing away towards other women - wanting to "hurt you" first.

 

He was probably cheated on in the past, or simply has a low opinion of women. Either way - things as they are are not heading in a good direction.

 

You cannot heal him. He has to choose to trust you, and choose to stop hurting you. His behavior as it is is not good bf behavior and you must know that you deserve better.

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fawndango Apprentice

fawndango

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He wife of thirteen years cheated on him and left him for another man, there is one issue.

 

I think you are right puckdog, he has written the relationship off, why is he coming over this weekend to go with me to buy a lawn mower, turn up my water heater, and fix my dryer duct....well,

 

he is trying to rope me back in emotionally, playing his cards right so he can turn around and dump me for another girl....and HURT me.

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Puckdog27 Enthusiast

Puckdog27

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What a big mess, i don't understand how things got to this point. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

He simply has wounds that arent healed from what his wife has done to him. Its not your fault, he just wasnt ready. No man that cares about a woman would say that to you, even if he did other things for you.

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Cheetarah Mentor

Cheetarah

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He isn't going to let his defenses down and allow himself to be vulnerable - This probably is due in part(if not majorly) to the wife issue. So he's going to hurt you first. It's like Nixee said...And this way, when things end, he can reason with himself as to WHY they did. It's clear, cut and dry. You split with him because he flirts/cheats. He's got a reason to blame, and can't attribute it to anything on a deeper level(like who he is deep down, his insecurities, etc). It's superficial, and that's far more comforting to a person who fears getting hurt that deeply.

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nutbrownhare Veteran

nutbrownhare

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He said he wants to hurt me before I hurt him. What the heck does this mean. He has been doing things to sabotage our relationship for the last six months.

It means that this is a guy you should not even be contemplating having a relationship with. Don't try to understand him, beyond understanding that someone as bitter and twisted as he is will only tear you to pieces emotionally if you stick around long enough to let him.

 

If you have had other relationships like this, and find it hard to leave, you might consider getting professional help to support you, even if it's only in the short term. I'd suggest that many women would listen to the stuff he comes out with and then run like the wind - and not waste a second more of their precious love or time.

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ellandroader Enthusiast

ellandroader

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I was with somebody who said a similar thing to me - like you, I felt sick to the stomach contemplating what she was doing (it was an LDR) after she told me how sweet I was and so on, but that she didn't want to hurt me. I knew too that she had been through a lot of trauma and it seemed, a few boyfriends.

 

Of course, I kept faith until I found myself pushed further and further away....getting baited with her talk of how other guys were flirting with her and how she could go out with them was the last straw. I broke it off. Hard to do but in hindsight, it was the right thing. And I found somebody better suited to me.

 

Counsel could help you as I am sure this impacted you. But rest assured, you don't deserve this and it isn't you.

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Crazyaboutdogs Proficient

Crazyaboutdogs

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Given his attitude and behaviour I have to wonder if he acted up in his marriage too which contributed to the disintegration of his marriage. At any rate, this guy is a total mess and you need to gather the strength to leave him once and for all. He is disrespectful and on a power trip and you are his victim. Get out of this relationship and let him have 2 dozen women if he wants...this guy is an unhappy mess and all the women in the world won't change that.

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1guygirl Collaborator

1guygirl

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why have you gone back more than twice when hes been flirting with other women? hes not gunna change and i wonder if this is why his wife left him?

 

but when he says he wants to hurt you, omfg...he has told you what he wants to do to you - flirt with others, cheat on you and hurt you...doesnt matter what it means, dont bother trying to figure it out, you cant, hes sick...

 

...just pack your things and go, dont turn around, and do even give him another breath of you again.

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