My nonexistent dating life. Update/Journal

[timlondon]

Thanks for the GQ link. They don't seem to have any advice about college.

 

Why would there need to be anything specifically about college? It's just clothes, you're looking for a bit of a change in what you wear and they IMO have some interesting ideas. Personally I reckon if you dress like that the girls will be all over you like a tramp on hot sick Up to you anyway.

 

By the way you don't seem very receptive to the advice you're being offered. Whether or not you take on board what people here tell you is one thing, but you should be careful if you're like it IRL as being slightly abrasive won't help with getting a girlfriend. Just a thought.

 

Cheers

[Mr. Franklin]

I can't just wear anything at school. Some of their ideas are good, but they're not good for going to class. People need to dress the right way for certain social events and environments. I'll checkout the site some more to see what I can find.

 

I'm not being abrasive. I'm not rejecting their advice. It's mostly good. There is no way anyone can have a relationship without physical attraction. Some of the advice has been offensive such as advising me to date nasty women.

[lostnscared]

I can't just wear anything at school. Some of their ideas are good, but they're not good for going to class. People need to dress the right way for certain social events and environments. I'll checkout the site some more to see what I can find.

 

I'm not being abrasive. I'm not rejecting their advice. It's mostly good. There is no way anyone can have a relationship without physical attraction. Some of the advice has been offensive such as advising me to date nasty women.

 

Well I think that you probably should focus on dating someone who would accept you ears and all and who is attracted to you. Yes it's completely unrealistic to "say" that there is no such thing as "leagues" and levels of attractiveness. Some people that are "average" looking can get away with pulling an 8 or a 9. Some people that are 8's or 9's can pull a 10. Some 10's will be interested in an a 7. But the overall rule of thumb is that it's often easier to attract someone that has a similar level of attractiveness to you either in personality, looks, chemistry, etc. If you are a 6 or 7, then is it realistic to go after a 10 who ignores you, doesn't look your way, etc? No. Is it realistic to go after an 8 or 9 that may have noticed you once or twice? SURE.

Is it safe to just go for a 6 or 7? YEP.

So I think what most people are advising is if you are the average joe smo and you are attracted to woman that are above average and aren't even interested in you well then of course your going to run into issues.

 

Thus I think for yourself, with your "ears" as something that you feel insecure about, have you considered going after a woman that may also have some cosmetic deformity? Or have you considered going after a woman that may not the MOST attractive but that is similar to you in likes, hobbies and commonalities.

 

You say you are only interested in white ladies--well have you thought about dating ladies other than white, like asian, latina, black, etc?

 

At some point if your standards are rigid, unrealistic, or outside of yourself, then you'll have to adjust them IF you aren't having luck.

[Mr. Franklin]

What am I on the rating scale?

 

 

 

If I am attracted to her then sure.

 

 

 

Not really. I'm no attracted to them.

[lostnscared]

What am I on the rating scale?

 

 

 

If I am attracted to her then sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not really. I'm no attracted to them.

 

I can't really say what you are because my preference in looks may be different from another woman. Not everyone has the same types or views attraction the same way. As I told you before when I have been interested and attracted to black guys they have been lighter toned, and I also tend to date latin men. So since that is my type--you are a bit outside of it. In addition I do tend to go for "pretty boys"--so again your outside of my type. so how I would rate you would be in comparison to MY type. Therefore I can't say how attractive you are on rating system because you aren't my type physically. But you aren't ugly or unattractive, so obviously you are at least a 5 or higher. But from what the next girl would rate you--who knows?

 

The next thing is what is attractive to you? what is your type? And has your type been attracted to you? Have you had any luck with that type? Have you had any luck with the woman you've been attracted to? If not you may need to evaluate the type of women you like and if you could adjust your "type" or make exceptions

 

*For instance with my type I find that I tend to date biracial or multi-racial men or latin men--they all tend to have a certain look. And they all tend to be very similar in overall dress, style, build, etc. With this type I've had TONS of luck. And they are attracted to me as well. My last ex was black and puerto-rican, the ex before that was Italian and Mexican, and the ex before that was Mexican, Irish and African American, and my freshman year of high school I dated a Puerto-rican guy. They all were taller than 5ft9. They all had a slim athletic build. They all were urban. And they all were attracted to me.

Is that how it is for you?

Finally, if your only limiting yourself to one group of women(white women) and NO other types--asian, latina, black, Indian, etc, then that already limits your dating pool. I completely understand preference but what if your preference is limiting you from finding love.

[Mr. Franklin]

Here are my standards. Like I said I've never dated anyone and never been kissed. Women who I'm not attracted to find me to be unattractive as well.

 

1. She must be a christian. I want someone who has the same religious beliefs as I do.

2. She must be slender. I am not attracted to women who are fat. I take care of myself so I would want someone who would do the same for themselves when it comes to weight.

3. She must have class and respect for herself.

4. She must be clean. All I am asking is for a woman to take care of herself. Be nicely groomed.

5. She must dress nice.

6. We must have good commutation. I believe a good relationship needs good communication.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Here are my standards. Like I said I've never dated anyone and never been kissed. Women who I'm not attracted to find me to be unattractive as well.

 

1. She must be a christian. I want someone who has the same religious beliefs as I do.

2. She must be slender. I am not attracted to women who are fat. I take care of myself so I would want someone who would do the same for themselves when it comes to weight.

3. She must have class and respect for herself.

4. She must be clean. All I am asking is for a woman to take care of herself. Be nicely groomed.

5. She must dress nice.

6. We must have good commutation. I believe a good relationship needs good communication.

 

Communication is something you build. Don't expect it right off the bat.

[Mr. Franklin]

I may be able to get surgery before the second semester. I finally got in contact with my father's admin over his estate. Everything should be clear by November for me to receive money.

 

I may have to find another doctor. Insurance may cover it because I was born deformed, I just need to find a doctor who will allow me to use my insurance or will be reasonable enough to allow me to have a payment option. That just isn't acceptable in American society.

 

I have 24 more days to ago before school, and thing's aren't looking so good.

[Mr. Franklin]

I had an argument with my boss at work a few days ago. My boss is still trying to pressure me to date a girl who I'm not attracted to. She is the same big girl who I mention before. She is very overweight, boring, dresses like grandma, and we have no chemistry. I really want my boss and a few friends to stop pressuring me to date this girl. I do not want anything romantic from her. How can I make them stop pressuring me?

 

I talked to my insurance yesterday and they recommended me some doctors. However, one of the doctors they recommended was the doctor who I saw a few months ago. He is a provider of the insurance. My insurnace also told me to get a pre determined form filed by my doctor. I have a deformed birth defect and it is covered by my insurance. I called the doctor's office and spoke a secretary. She told me the doctor will not allow me to file an insurance claim. I'm just going to stop going to that doctor. Is this considered to be illegal by the doctor?

[VerdeShimmer]

I'm not talking about every now and then dressing down. I'm talking about girls who always dress down and look a mess.

 

Can you give an example of this 'messy' look?

 

Hell if you ask out a "frumpy" girl and start dating her you could even drop subtle (read: not forceful) hints to persuade her to wear makeup do her hair etc, making her "attractive" for you.

 

Since you have limited experience I would at least try to ask out girls who may only fit 60% of your criteria. You just may have some fun.

 

I've tried online dating and it is not for me. My looks ratings on Plenty of Fish was a 1 or 2. I can't remember.

 

Now I have to spend at least another school year dateless with the label of the worst looking guy in school.

 

You don't have to be if you just ask out a girl.

 

May you please read the topic and the first post to know the situation better instead of making a random judgment? I don't recall saying anyone said I'm cute. I said that people see me as one of the worst looking men on campus.

 

You come off very analytical, cold, and obsessive (as someone had mentioned). It is highly unattractive for a guy to have this type of attitude. Are you in science? Because you CAN NOT approach dating as a science experiment. There are so many variables with people that it is impossible to figure out.

 

Why can't you join a club that has people like you?

[Mr. Franklin]

Can you give an example of this 'messy' look?

 

Girls who do not comb their hair, always wearing sweatpants, torn clothes,

 

Since you have limited experience I would at least try to ask out girls who may only fit 60% of your criteria. You just may have some fun.

 

I don't have any experience.

 

You come off very analytical, cold, and obsessive (as someone had mentioned). It is highly unattractive for a guy to have this type of attitude. Are you in science? Because you CAN NOT approach dating as a science experiment. There are so many variables with people that it is impossible to figure out.

 

I have not been obsessive. Where do you see that? I'm not being analytical. I'm just stating the facts.

 

Why can't you join a club that has people like you?

 

There are not any clubs on campus for activities I'm interested in.

[Mr. Franklin]

I called my insurance again about this doctor. They are going to speak with him about this problem. I hope they will pay for it and he will allow it. My nonexistent love life depends on this.

[sophie274]

Can you think of no reason other than your ears as to why you are not having any success dating?

 

How many girls have you asked out this summer?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I called my insurance again about this doctor. They are going to speak with him about this problem. I hope they will pay for it and he will allow it. My nonexistent love life depends on this.

 

I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Having nicer ears might make you more attractive but you may find yourself devastated if things don't turn around immediately.

 

Once I became good looking and blossomed in high school, it took years of refining social skills and building confidence for me to actually get dates and attract men.

[sophie274]

I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Having nicer ears might make you more attractive but you may find yourself devastated if things don't turn around immediately.

 

Once I became good looking and blossomed in high school, it took years of refining social skills and building confidence for me to actually get dates and attract men.

 

Yes I agree.

 

For instance, I think I am reasonably attractive, but I have still been single for over a year now. I have had several men say to me "how are you still single?", but it's not as simple as being good-looking. Even if everything about you is fantastic, you still have to find someone that you are a good fit with.

 

What else are you doing to improve your romantic life?

[Mr. Franklin]

Can you think of no reason other than your ears as to why you are not having any success dating?

 

How many girls have you asked out this summer?

 

To be honest with you I don't have any other reason why I am unsuccessful at finding dates. My looks are turning women off as they normally give me complaints and tell me how unattractive I am.

 

I have not asked out any girls this summer.

 

I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Having nicer ears might make you more attractive but you may find yourself devastated if things don't turn around immediately.

 

Once I became good looking and blossomed in high school, it took years of refining social skills and building confidence for me to actually get dates and attract men.

 

Yes I agree.

 

For instance, I think I am reasonably attractive, but I have still been single for over a year now. I have had several men say to me "how are you still single?", but it's not as simple as being good-looking. Even if everything about you is fantastic, you still have to find someone that you are a good fit with.

 

What else are you doing to improve your romantic life?

 

The only other thing I have worked on are my clothes.

[eikal]

I have not asked out any girls this summer.

 

And why not? You say women find you unnatractive, how could you possibly know this without asking women out, ask some out. When i got back into the dating scene i was rejected numerous times by women, i kept going, i got better and talking to women and being around them, I've wrangled some beauties and i am no brad pit. You ever read those books about "game" ? It's all about how you approach a women. You'll never be good at it either if you don't practice, so go out and give it a shot, don't let rejections get you down either.

[LightbulbSun]

Mr. Franklin, if you're good looking but either A.) Have poor social skills, or B.) Have a bad attitude, you're not going to get dates.

 

I've been told before that I'm good looking, and had girls approach me. However, it's my social anxiety issues that has led to me not getting dates.

 

You're a good looking guy. Ears and all. Your problem is your low self esteem, which you need to work on. Plastic surgery isn't a magic 'fix-it-all' solution.

[Mr. Franklin]

And why not? You say women find you unnatractive, how could you possibly know this without asking women out, ask some out. When i got back into the dating scene i was rejected numerous times by women, i kept going, i got better and talking to women and being around them, I've wrangled some beauties and i am no brad pit. You ever read those books about "game" ? It's all about how you approach a women. You'll never be good at it either if you don't practice, so go out and give it a shot, don't let rejections get you down either.

 

I never said I haven't ask out any women. I have not asked out any during the summer.

 

Mr. Franklin, if you're good looking but either A.) Have poor social skills, or B.) Have a bad attitude, you're not going to get dates.

 

I've been told before that I'm good looking, and had girls approach me. However, it's my social anxiety issues that has led to me not getting dates.

 

You're a good looking guy. Ears and all. Your problem is your low self esteem, which you need to work on. Plastic surgery isn't a magic 'fix-it-all' solution.

 

My social skills are just fine, and I have a good attitude. I'm an easy person to talk to. Girls do not approach men instead some avoid me.

[Imprecision]

You're not ugly. Granted, not especially handsome, but not ugly. More around average.

 

Ears are not the problem. Now some people are really stuck on one aspect of their body. It's next to impossible to convince them that these small aspects are not the problem. But I have to tell you - Your ears are not the problem.

 

Man-to-man, here are the facts:

 

1. While looks do play a part, girls are far more interested in personality.

 

2. Some men have okay social skills (they're not weirdos or anything). Nevertheless, they have hard time finding girlfriends.

 

I believe in the switch theory. Most women are unconsciously looking for a number of traits in men. If a man matches these traits, then he would be attractive. These traits generally include:

 

a. Resilience

b. Optimism toward the Future

c. Wisdom

d. Honour

e. Kindness

f. Bravery (including being able to adapt to unfamiliar circumstances)

g. Not full of resentment or blame

 

etc. This is not an exhaustive list.

 

Other factors beyond your control are:

 

a. status

b. wealth

 

But, as I've said, women are more interested in personality.

 

Most men have only a few traits, and they do badly at those. However, some men do have many good traits, but they don't get girlfriends easily, because they don't demonstrate these traits. If you don't show these traits, then how would girls know you have these traits?

 

THIS IS THE KEY: Show these traits in conversations. If you can show these traits, then girls would want to get to know you better. After a few times hanging out, you would get a girlfriend.

[LAYAAN]

I have no clue what is wrong with your ears. You look fine to me. Please don't get all trapped into this hollywood perfect image. They themselves are not all that perfect that they portray to appear. We rarely get to hear how they try to achieve this sorta perfect image.

I would invest that same amount of money towards education. Women are attracted to confidence (not arrogance), success, security that a guy can provide. Work towards that. Leave the rest.

[sophie274]

To be honest with you I don't have any other reason why I am unsuccessful at finding dates. My looks are turning women off as they normally give me complaints and tell me how unattractive I am.

 

I have not asked out any girls this summer.

 

The only other thing I have worked on are my clothes.

 

Have you not asked out any girls because you were not able to find any girls you were at all interested in?

 

Franklin, I'm around your age (turning 23 quite soon), and I have been on exactly one date in the past year (organized by ME). I don't have any deformities, and am reasonably attractive.

 

So I really don't think looks are the problem.

 

The reason why I haven't had many dates in the past year: I was fairly antisocial and did not go out (to activities, dinners, parties) much in the past year. If you're not constantly meeting people, it's hard to meet someone you'd like to date. I also didn't take advantage of the opportunities I did have, didn't try to make friends with people in my classes or those I ran into in my dorm, didn't flirt with the cute guy at the coffee counter or the cutie working out next to me at the gym or the one sitting next to me at the library, and didn't ask anyone out. That's the kind of stuff you HAVE to do if you're serious about wanting a date. You can't really expect women to come up to you and ask you out, or even do most of the legwork (and I would say to women that they can't expect the same). At the very least you have to be open and friendly and approachable and smile at women and engage in small talk.

 

The guy I "like" (a friend of a friend whom I don't know very well): I had her try to get him to come visit us at college, invited him to be my date to an event, arranged to meet up with him when I was in his area for a few days, have written to him and will likely drive a good ways to go see him next. (Writing this down I do sound quite over-persistent, but this was spaced out enough that I don't think it was creepy). It takes some effort to meet someone you like and to get things off the ground, from both ends. You can't expect a girlfriend to just fall into your lap - and this is my experience for all guys I've ever dated. It wasn't a struggle, but we both had to make the effort to be open and available and communicate to each other that we were interested.

[Mr. Franklin]

Have you not asked out any girls because you were not able to find any girls you were at all interested in?

 

I don't ask out girls often because I have trouble finding a girl who I am interested in. Then I have the problem when do I find someone I am interested in then half of the time she is way out of my league so I don't make a move.

 

Franklin, I'm around your age (turning 23 quite soon), and I have been on exactly one date in the past year (organized by ME). I don't have any deformities, and am reasonably attractive.

 

I'm not attractive and I do have a deformity.

 

 

The reason why I haven't had many dates in the past year: I was fairly antisocial and did not go out (to activities, dinners, parties) much in the past year. If you're not constantly meeting people, it's hard to meet someone you'd like to date. I also didn't take advantage of the opportunities I did have, didn't try to make friends with people in my classes or those I ran into in my dorm, didn't flirt with the cute guy at the coffee counter or the cutie working out next to me at the gym or the one sitting next to me at the library, and didn't ask anyone out. That's the kind of stuff you HAVE to do if you're serious about wanting a date. You can't really expect women to come up to you and ask you out, or even do most of the legwork (and I would say to women that they can't expect the same). At the very least you have to be open and friendly and approachable and smile at women and engage in small talk.

 

The guy I "like" (a friend of a friend whom I don't know very well): I had her try to get him to come visit us at college, invited him to be my date to an event, arranged to meet up with him when I was in his area for a few days, have written to him and will likely drive a good ways to go see him next. (Writing this down I do sound quite over-persistent, but this was spaced out enough that I don't think it was creepy). It takes some effort to meet someone you like and to get things off the ground, from both ends. You can't expect a girlfriend to just fall into your lap - and this is my experience for all guys I've ever dated. It wasn't a struggle, but we both had to make the effort to be open and available and communicate to each other that we were interested.

 

I do put in effort to meet people. I don't talk to a lot of people at the dorms because a lot of them are ghetto. I tend to stay away from people with that lifestyle. I don't go to parties because I'm not looking for a party girl. During the spring I joined an Honors Society on campus. Women don't flirt with me because I turn them off.

 

I was in a situation with a girl who I liked, but we did not have classes together. My friends knew who she was and at the office(I worked on campus) we were having a Pisces party. My friends invited her to the party, and I was going to speak to her. However, she found out that I liked her though them as I guess she asked why she was invited. She said she was going to come and never did. A few days later she added me on Facebook, but ignored me. She also sent messages to my friends that she was going to come see me at the office, but never did. I eventually sent her a message on facebook about why she was playing games, and she denied everything that happen.

[sophie274]

My point about me not having the ear deformity you do was that even though I do not have this deformity, and am reasonably attractive, I've had one date in the span of a year. So attractiveness isn't the key variable. On that note, I have seen your pictures, and you are perfectly attractive - even though you do not want to admit this. You are tall, in shape, and well-groomed - all desirable things. I honestly feel that you are hiding behind what you think is a deformity and your looks to explain your lack of success in dating, and if you do have surgery, you will be disappointed with the outcome.

 

 

I don't ask out girls often because I have trouble finding a girl who I am interested in.

 

Then I have the problem when do I find someone I am interested in then half of the time she is way out of my league so I don't make a move.

 

I don't talk to a lot of people at the dorms because a lot of them are ghetto. I tend to stay away from people with that lifestyle.

 

I don't go to parties because I'm not looking for a party girl.

 

To me, none of these are good reasons. Talk to people in the dorm who aren't ghetto (and if you feel that the majority of people on your campus aren't good dating material, then yes, it's going to be hard for you to find someone just because of reduced numbers). A girl can go to a party without being a "party girl" - surely there are events on campus that aren't completely wild?

 

Women don't flirt with me because I turn them off.

 

Again, you have an extremely defeatist and self-hating attitude. I highly doubt this is true. As a 20-something woman, I don't spend most of my time flirting. I flirt if I'm on a date, and if a guy that I find really really cute "picks me up" (ex in a coffee shop or park or something). I'm not a particularly flirtatious person, although I'm friendly and have a good sense of humor. Most women just don't walk up to guys and start flirting. Talk to women, get to know some, be friendly and open, get to know them a bit, and if you really like one and you get along, ask her on a date.

 

I was in a situation with a girl who I liked, but we did not have classes together. My friends knew who she was and at the office(I worked on campus) we were having a Pisces party. My friends invited her to the party, and I was going to speak to her. However, she found out that I liked her though them as I guess she asked why she was invited. She said she was going to come and never did. A few days later she added me on Facebook, but ignored me. She also sent messages to my friends that she was going to come see me at the office, but never did. I eventually sent her a message on facebook about why she was playing games, and she denied everything that happen.

 

This girl's behavior was very odd (adding you on facebook, but then not speaking to you?!) and rude, for sure, and I'm sorry that happened. On the other hand, I don't think this was a great strategy for meeting her. I'll be perfectly honest and say that it would freak me out a little bit if a guy I'd never spoken to "liked me" and had my friends invite me to a party - well, not freak out, but honestly it seems a bit immature. I think it's best to act directly: speak to HER in person, get to know her, and then invite her to the party. Having your friends invite her to a party when you don't know her at all is not the best of moves, in my opinion.

 

As an example, in that situation, if I'd seen a guy around campus that I found really cute and who seemed nice, and we had mutual friends, I'd have the mutual friends bring me along to an event he'd be attending so that I could meet him and talk to him, organize a group outing that we could both go on, something like that. I think you have to engineer a situation where you can meet your romantic interest in person, get to know him/her, and then YOU can move the whole thing along as opposed to relying on friends to pass messages back and forth (which is all too reminiscent of middle school!).

[VerdeShimmer]

I think you have been given sound advice here. I think it is very dangerous to rely on this surgery to 'cure' your dating woes. I have probably said this but your attitude is very...I can't find the right word but it is not attractive and maybe girls catch on?

 

Have you tried to approach a girl as a friend and not always in 'dating mode'?