I don't want to be gay

[phearth]

For most of my life that I can remember, I can recall feeling sexually askew from the norm. I would call it gay if it felt that simple to me. Let me try and explain.

 

I am sexually attracted to some guys. Usually guys with a very particular build and shape. The best way I could liken it is to primal motivations. I have little or no interest in those relationships, being 'close' to those people. It's generally un-emotional. But on the other hand, I'm also attracted to women, but far less sexually. I have more of a potent longing for partnership and closeness. In fact, the times when I am most stimulated by a woman is in those deeper emotional moments.

 

To further complicate things, the only major sexual experience I have had was with a guy and a girl at the same time back in high school.

 

I do not want to be gay. A good bit of that is made up by my faith; though I'm not one of those religious people who sees homosexuals as condemned to hell outright. Though my theology must inform my desire, I think the greater desire is made up simply by my own dreams and aspirations. My whole cognizant life, I've longed to be close to a woman, start a family with her and raise children. Partner to take on life together.

 

My life feels like it's falling apart. I don't know what to do or how to do it. Making things worse, I feel like I'm too old to be wrestling with these things. Most have them figured out by now. It ends up feeling embarrassing for more than one reason.

 

Just a couple of my close guy friends know what's going on with me. I feel cornered and trapped. I'm currently self-medicating with some herbal treatments for the emotional detriment, but I'm wearing away. I've considered disappearing 'Into the Wild' style, faking my own death, actually producing my own death, castration, cryogenic freezing.

 

The girl that I'm with right now doesn't know any of these things. I love her deeply. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. She wants to get married in the next couple of years and I want to too. I'm afraid if I move foreword I'm going to ruin her life. I'm even more afraid that I'm going to be stuck in this tension for the rest of my life.

 

What are my options here? Are there accounts of people legitimately 'changing' their sexual desires? I mean, there are plenty of 'recovery' stories, but they're never detailed enough to know if the person really has entered into a different healthy lifestyle, or if they've simply descended into a deeper denial. I don't want to know how they're living now, I want to know how they're feeling now about those of the same sex.

 

*sigh*

 

Any encouragement would probably go a long way. I'm skating on my own thin ice and I need some hope in this issue.

[HouseKitten]

I don't think you can change who you're attracted to.

 

However, you can come to accept that it doesn't have to be a major problem. You say you're with a girl right now who you love and want to be with. So what's the issue? That you find men attractive? You may well be bisexual, and all issues of religion aside, it's completely normal to end up in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex even if you find the same sex desirable as well. It doesn't make your current relationship any less valid, anymore than the fact that you can still find other women attractive does.

 

You don't need 'options' to solve this I think you just need to look at yourself, look at who you are, and learn to see that you're really no different from hundreds of other people out there. Finding men attractive doesn't have to have any effect on your life or change anything. Why should it? Unless you feel the need to be with a man, which would affect your relationship, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

 

The only thing I would suggest you actively do is speak to your girlfriend and confide in her about your feelings. It seems fair to let her know that you have these feelings and although you're hardly going to cheat on her, you don't want it to come out as a dirty secret years later when you're married with kids. Far better to let her know everything now, so you can both discuss it rationally, than have her find out by catching you with gay porn or something in years to come and being horrified, thinking her marriage is a lie.

 

Honestly, this is not something to be ashamed of.

[Speranza]

I don't think your theology CAN inform your desire. I say this with good reason. My Ex was a very strong Christian who prayed for many years to be 'healed' (ugh!) of Being Gay. It never happened. (I'm no longer a Christian, but my understanding has always been that it is honouring to God to accept who we are, not to ask to be 'healed of being ME'). We had to rearrange our theological understanding a little when we realised that it was possible for him to be gay AND to fall in love with a woman and want children with her.

 

I knew before we married. We loved each other. We even had children. But you know, in the end we had to let go of each other (and we gave it twenty years) because in the end, our marriage was a sham. We were neither of us free to be who we really were. I hated lying but it was not my secret to tell and I had to respect his terror of people knowing.

 

When we split, my Ex began to make friends with other married gay men. He was shocked at 'how bitter and angry' their wives were. I had to explain that we were very unusual - I had made an informed (I would now say, from a place of immaturity but - I don't regret my kids!) decision but these women were mostly going along thinking they had a normal marriage, and were suddenly confronted with the knowledge that they had been living a lie and that their husbands had known this all along. NOW, their husbands were leaving to start new lives, while their wives were left to pick up the pieces of a situation which they had no idea was coming, and were realising that someone had knowingly stolen (I think that's the right word) their youth, the time when they might have had the chance to have a family with someone who would stay around. No wonder they were angry.

 

So - the prime thing in this is - DO NOT LIE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. If you love her, even more reason to be honest. You never know - she might just be like I was, in love with you and prepared to take the risk. You CANNOT take the best years of her life (in child-bearing terms) on false premises.

 

You sound as though you really, really need some help with this. Find a counsellor (and personally I would advise NOT a person in your faith, they will give you biased advice and tbh it isn't helpful).

 

Do not panic, you are far from alone. Just think about how much the God you believe in loves you, and how you can best follow whatever faith you follow with integrity - as the real YOU. Good luck!

[TearsofFate]

The only reason why you feel sexually attracted to guys is probably because you were with one in the past with a girl. It's like how some girls who get raped end up getting turned on by play rape...this only happens sometimes.

 

Also, I once read about this guy who was sexually turned on by his own mother because she used to wash his...

 

ANYWAY, it doesn't mean you're gay. It's awesome that you are sexually attracted the more you are in love with a girl. I'd love to have a guy like that. I'm a girl and the more love there is the more I get turned on.

 

People get turned on by all sorts of things....seriously. We ALL have deep dark secrets. Just don't worry about it.

[FathomFear]

A few points:

 

- It is very common when first accepting same-sex feelings to feel as though you could never have emotional feelings towards the same-sex. For example, when I was about 20 and first started acknowledging to myself that I was sexually attracted to men, I still could not imagine myself being emotionally intimate with men. Dating, hugging, kissing, etc. I told myself that those were things that I'd still rather do with women. Eventually that went away, though, with time. And it likely will for you as well. Most people desire emotional intimacy with the same people they desire sexually, and your mind will become more open to that as you become more accepting of yourself

 

- Don't beat yourself up over being not leading a straight life. This expectation consumes you because it is one that is drilled into most people since birth. It is by far the most difficult hurdle for most people coming to terms with homosexuality. That vision of seeing yourself married to a woman and having 2.5 kids, just like you see on life insurance commercial flashbacks, is again something that will fade with time--especially once you sit back logically critique it, instead of letting it consume you blindly

 

- In regards to the compatibilty of your faith and homosexuality, I think you'll find that there's more acceptance than you think. Just google "Homosexuality support". I would bet money that you'll find support groups and sites dedicated to the topic. Don't just go by what your local church says about your faith, as that's just one view. One which may or may not work out for you

[FathomFear]

The only reason why you feel sexually attracted to guys is probably because you were with one in the past with a girl. It's like how some girls who get raped end up getting turned on by play rape...this only happens sometimes.

 

What kind of science are you basing that on, exactly?

[phearth]

thank you all for the feedback and attempts to encourage. I do appreciate it.

 

I'm feeling like maybe posting this wasn't a great idea. I don't feel ready for any of this. I'm already seeing a counselor; it doesn't seem to be having too many effects.

 

It doesn't feel like my desire for women is conditioned. It feels real. The idea of abandoning hope for that doesn't seem reasonable to me. I wasn't taught to have anything against gay people. No one I grew up with was, as far as I know, either. There's no obvious reason I'd have an extreme repulsion to the idea of living as a gay person, except that it's just not what I want.

[FathomFear]

thank you all for the feedback and attempts to encourage. I do appreciate it.

 

I'm feeling like maybe posting this wasn't a great idea. I don't feel ready for any of this. I'm already seeing a counselor; it doesn't seem to be having too many effects.

 

It doesn't feel like my desire for women is conditioned. It feels real. The idea of abandoning hope for that doesn't seem reasonable to me. I wasn't taught to have anything against gay people. No one I grew up with was, as far as I know, either. There's no obvious reason I'd have an extreme repulsion to the idea of living as a gay person, except that it's just not what I want.

 

That is fair. My only recommendation to you would be to try to focus on being as true to yourself as possible. By all means, if you are indeed attracted to women you should not shut that out. However, on the other side of the coin, you shouldn't fool yourself into believing something that isn't true, either.

 

The trick is to come to terms with yourself--whatever that might be--not to forcibly mold yourself into something you're not. That's the only way you'll find happines.

[chiefoptimizer]

The girl that I'm with right now doesn't know any of these things. I love her deeply. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. She wants to get married in the next couple of years and I want to too. I'm afraid if I move foreword I'm going to ruin her life. I'm even more afraid that I'm going to be stuck in this tension for the rest of my life.

 

 

If you have to ask this question, it is clear to me you don't want to do this to her, and its possible that your emotional interest in her is simply born out of the solitude you feel?

 

What are my options here? Are there accounts of people legitimately 'changing' their sexual desires? I mean, there are plenty of 'recovery' stories, but they're never detailed enough to know if the person really has entered into a different healthy lifestyle, or if they've simply descended into a deeper denial. I don't want to know how they're living now, I want to know how they're feeling now about those of the same sex.

 

Deeper denial, without a doubt. They are often caught in gay cruising areas, or outed by gay prostitutes, etc. You can't change who you are.

 

 

 

 

... but I'm wearing away. I've considered disappearing 'Into the Wild' style, faking my own death, actually producing my own death, castration, cryogenic freezing.

 

Interesting, I considered these too! What I opted for in the end was to pretend I had already died, and then live my life as a free man. Basically, once I had gotten so close to dying, and no one was there to stop me, I figured I was now free and didn't need to pretend anymore and didn't need to please anyone else but myself. Once I accepted myself completely, I was in fact a very different person - always happy, always grateful to be alive! 14 months later, I met the man of my dreams, and 3 months later we got together. We've been together for 4 months now, and I'm living my dreams.

 

Depending on where you live, you may or may not be able to get married to a man there. If not, you just have to move somewhere else. I know that sounds daunting, but if you considered killing yourself, castration, etc, what have you got to lose by moving away?

[A-Game123]

Their is nothing wrong with being gay im 17 and im gay. for a year or 2 i didnt want to be gay. i wanted to be straight and i 2 am a catholic and those bible thumpers who say that you will go to hell for being gay its not true. God made you in his image God is everything straight, bisexual, and gay. he is the one person who wont judge you. You know what you are and you should not run from it, because in the end it will catch up to you and haunt you. Your life is not falling apart it just feels like it is because your worrying to much. Just take a step back breath and think. What to you feels right? Dont push your feelings for men aside because your afraid of them. If what you like is men that thats who you like and if people judge you its because they are close minded individuals who cant get past their own insecurities.

 

And the woman your with dont put her through that. You know its wrong to marry her when your not physically and mentally attracted to her. yes you may love her but down the road 20 years from now you will regret the choice you made because you did what society thinks is right instead of doing what you know is right. you know what you are dont run from it, dont try to be someone you clearly are not. Also dont string someone along that you know in the end you are not going to be happy with because your going to just hurt your self and her.