I think I just messed up the whole weekend.

[-Sanguine-]

Ugh, I'm at work right now and I can hardly concentrate.

 

This weekend is my cousins grad and I was very excited for it because my boyfriend was going to be coming home with me to see my family and attend the grad and after party with me. I haven't really had a weekend with him since the beginning of May.

 

He just informed me today that he wants to bring his buddy from his hometown along to camp all weekend, and skip out on the grad party early.

 

I have been having a rough week as it is and feeling down so this just set me into an emotional fit. I texted him that I hadn't spent a weekend with him in over a month and that I was hoping he'd come see my family and he said "I see"

 

I then called him (regrettably) and told him I wished it was important to him to see my family and spend the weekend with me but he couldn't now because his friend doesn't know anyone where I live and so he couldn't just leave him alone. I then said I wish he cared as much about me as I did about him and he said he did in an annoyed tone. I am smothering him and I hate it but I can't help it I feel really sad.

 

I then called him back and told him to forget everything I just said because if I asked him not to bring his friend, he will be mad, but if he does, I will be.

 

basically it's a lose lose situation and I am not looking forward to the weekend anymore. I can tell he just wants to spend a weekend with his friend and let me party with mine but I was looking forward to sharing time together while being with my family..

 

Ugh. I don't know what to do

I texted him to apologize for freaking out and said I had been having a really hard time lately but he hasn't responded. He also couldn't pick me up from work like he said he would cause he's with this friend.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's clearly showing you where his priorities are, in other words, he got a better offer, and jumped on it, leaving you in the dust.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I think you know that you deserve better.

[-Sanguine-]

Maybe I didn't make it clear to him how important this was to me. Maybe he thought I would just wanna be with my friends.

 

I still feel really hurt.

Honestly, if the incident with the skype thing hadn't happened I wouldn't feel so down right now and probably would brush it off.

[russ978]

Relationships are about compromise.

 

How long has it been since he has seen his friend? While his prior committment to you should have gotten him to say 'sorry, have plans'...he might be ok for over ruling this if he hasn't seen his friend in a while.

 

Why don't you tell him to have fun with his friend and ask if he will spend some time with you and his family on another occasion.

 

Honestly, I understand why you might be upset but at the same time, a lot of women (and men) are more controlling in their relationships than their counterpart and end up making a lot of plans to the point where the person they're dating just kind of goes with it. I'll admit to being pushed towards a few things I otherwise wouldn't have agreed to because I didn't have plans at the time but at the same time, people can plan not to have plans and sometimes be overrulled, how often do you make the plans for what the two of you do together?

 

If you make a big deal out of it, it will become a big deal, if it is a deal breaker, by all means, escalate...but you might want to think about taking the high road, letting him do things at his pace, and see where it gets you.

[Sanesoul]

So, he's emotionally cheated on you...and now he isn't making you and your plans/feelings a priority.

 

I'm sure he's got some good qualities, but after reading your past threads, I would not have the energy to try and keep a relationship with this guy.

[-Sanguine-]

I don't know if I can do that.

I feel very hurt by him in another aspect of our relationship that it just feels like I can't take another one.

It's not even his fault he's not that family orientated, but I am just hurt.

[-Sanguine-]

Am I overreacting??

I mean, he's not technically doing anything wrong. He was going to come to the grad, etc. Just not for as long. And I doubt he would have time to see my family.

 

He's already said no to two other family functions this year as well.

[_Asti_]

I think there's alot to be said here.

 

When first reading it, I see him spending time with you, and time with this friend. How long has it been since he's seen this friend? He's making a compromise to please everyone and see both people [if this is a special circumstance with this friend...]

Now, unless he made a choice to go ahead and make other plans when other plans were in place, thats unacceptable in my opinion.

 

It has nothing to do with being family oriented. Its about him already having plans in place [him being with you...] and him making other plans ontop of that. [unless, like I said this is a sepcial circumstance and he hasn't seen this friend in a year or something...]

 

 

I think you have all your eggs in this basket, so to speak. Especially upon reflecting on other threads of yours, you have alot invested into him and I don't think its mutual. When one upset happens, it just keeps snowballing and the upset becomes larger and feels 100 times worse when it happens again.

 

 

You can see this in a positive light..he didn't say he's not attending at all, he still is...but also wants to spend time doing something else and has made a COMPROMISE..not totally cancel the plan.

 

I think you two need to definitely talk this out. There are ALOT of issues that need to be talked through and sorted through, and you need to accept your part of the relationship and make your changes [ie be less dependent and insecure...] and he needs to do his work.

 

 

But in the big picture, how would you feel if he continues to turn down family functions? How important is that to you? It wouldn't go well in my books...not at all.My family is part of me..and are important. I wouldn't be able to handle someone long term who continues to decline that part of my life.

[-Sanguine-]

He saw this friend maybe a month ago. He hasn't seen my family in longer than that, I don't remember when he last saw them. I know that's not as important to him cause he'd rather be having fun with his friend.

And yes, he did say he would make some time for my family but I just don't see it cause what would his friend do during that time? And even if he did.. I was looking forward to him spending the nights at my house, not getting hammered with his friend all three nights which is what will happen.

 

And yes, I have my own friends and family there. I guess I'm just kind of taking this especially personally in light of recent events..

like the fact that he cheated on me. Since then I have been very insecure.

AND not to mention the fact that I don't like his friend. He has cheated on his wife, too, physically.. and he is just a jerk. It's hard to explain without actually knowing him.

 

I know I am being a bit selfish here. But I am honestly thinking about this in terms of the future. I have been seriously considering ending things with him and I think I've been watching every small thing and now I'm blowing it out of proportion. I don't want to be hasty, but this really offends me for some reason.

 

I know I am a bit over dependent because of a lack of my own life, etc. But it WOULD be nice to have some kind of excitement from him to see me/spend time with me. Although I know I have my own issues, it gets emotionally tiring when the person you love the most is obviously not as dependent on you as you are them. I wish I could just change and make myself like him, independent. But I don't know how to do that while I'm with him.

[_Asti_]

Well, if you're really contemplating ending it, everything he does, or doesn't do at this point is certainly crucial for you and how you view this.

 

Did you express yourself to him, in terms of expectations and what you were hoping for for the weekend? What was his response, or reaction? That you were being needy? Is it really being needy to want to spend an evening, or weekend together if you haven't done so in over a month? Not really. My guy's whole theory was "Doesn't matter what we do, as long as I get to see you and spend time with you.." and he'd do the most randomest things with me just so he can have that time with me and around me.

 

Obviously for him, seeing this buddy is important, perhaps more important that spending this time with you and your family. I could certainly see spending a night with you, and two nights with the friend...but to spend all three nights with his friend, when he originally made plans with you...makes me question priorities..

[-Sanguine-]

See what you said about what your boyfriend said about spending time with you makes me want to cry. I WANT him to say that so badly, but he doesn't.

 

That's all I want. I want to feel like he would rather choose me over anyone. I know he would, but not always happily, which hurts.

 

I never really said that I expected him to stay with me all weekend. I just never saw this coming. He was going to work instead of coming, but I convinced him to come along. I was looking forward to this entire week he was going to be home but now I wish it was over because I'm guessing we will end up fighting whether or not his friend comes along.

 

I feel like I am very needy. He leaves for a week at a time. I spend the week alone, going to work, and hanging out with a friend occasionally. But I miss him. He comes home today and is already with his buddy for a movie and I don't know when he will be home and now the same buddy wants to come along to go camping this weekend. Then he is gone next weekend working, and the weekend after that he has a concert with a friend for his birthday but that will be another weekend gone.

 

I can't force him to want to spend time with me. It's not like he refuses to, I just want him to be excited about it.. you know, be dissappointed if it doesn't happen.

[_Asti_]

I think you both just have a very different frame of mind right now. He's obviously busy, and has alot going for him, and you are just PART of his life [which is good!] but it seems for you its very different. With not alot going on aside from your job and him, and the odd social thing, there isn't a whole lot.

 

I was in your position. School fulltime mostly...and evrything was work focused and I had alot of down time..and we had very opposite schedules so that I only saw him two evenings a week [but he also only had two evenings a week to do ANTYHIGN with ANYONE...] I did struggle because I felt like I was without him for 5 days, now I get 2 days with him and I just felt like because I didn't get to see him for 5, those two days should be spent with me...but those two days also had to be shared with his other friends, his hobbies, his family etc...but in all of that...I certainly did feel like a high priority in his life, and we always worked our schedules together assuming those two days were spent together, but if something else came up, we would communicate that and make sure the other person had something else going on so one wasn't sitting at home doing nothing...but there were still periods of time [weeks - months] where I would feel very frustrated about the lack of time together, but he worked and tried very hard to make me feel important, valued and appreciated...and it seems that he's not doing that..in fact he's doing the opposite by making you feel more insecure with doing alot of questionable things.

 

 

You can't make someone want to spend more time with you. Thats the bottom line. Guilting him and all that won't work because then for him it becomes a chore, and a job...there's nothing pleasureable about it when he's doing it because you're making him feel bad...but then stop and step back....is this really that right if you have to go to this length to feel appreciated by him? Should you really be guilting your boyfriend into spending time with you? I think there are alot of deeper issues based on reading other threads you've posted.

[-Sanguine-]

I see what you are saying.

 

I just feel so mixed up. On one hand, I feel like I am justified in being upset because I haven't spent a weekend with him in over a month AND I believe he should be making it up to me for what he did... not to mention he went to the town where the girl was from last weekend and I sat at home alone.

 

And on the other hand I feel like it is not his fault that I am this needy and don't have much of a life outside of him. I feel like I am pushing him away. I feel like we would be a great couple if I would have my own life. It would make him want me more. But when he knows I am always there and waiting for him it probably doesn't make me that exciting..

 

I also feel like I will never get my own life if I am with him.. but I am scared to be alone because he is almost all that I have right now.

[_Asti_]

And thats the problem.

You're making him your life when he should only be a part of it. This will be a huge conflict until you're both living life.

 

You probably will crush this relationship by suffocating it and him...so what are your options?

Live seperately, and find some independence.

If the relationship feels doomed anyway, what is there to lose? I Nothing really because it will probably end if you don't take action..and you have alot to win..some independence, a healthier happier relationship with yourself and with him...

 

Staying where you are, doing what you are doing...is not going to help you or him. You are using him as a cushion. Instead of having to go out of your comfort zone, you're relying on him to be your everything.

 

Seek a life for YOURSELF. The rest will fall into place.

[-Sanguine-]

And thats the problem.

You're making him your life when he should only be a part of it. This will be a huge conflict until you're both living life.

 

You probably will crush this relationship by suffocating it and him...so what are your options?

Live seperately, and find some independence.

If the relationship feels doomed anyway, what is there to lose? I Nothing really because it will probably end if you don't take action..and you have alot to win..some independence, a healthier happier relationship with yourself and with him...

 

Staying where you are, doing what you are doing...is not going to help you or him. You are using him as a cushion. Instead of having to go out of your comfort zone, you're relying on him to be your everything.

 

Seek a life for YOURSELF. The rest will fall into place.

 

 

I feel terrible now.

Like I really messed up.

 

Now if he doesn't bring his friend I will feel really bad and I hate feeling like I'm making him do something because it pushes him away.

 

I don't know what to do.

I'm going to go home and tell him that I need to learn to do my own thing.

 

It's just SOOO hard now that he has made me so insecure.

[_Asti_]

And rightfully so.

He messed up and lost your trust, he should be doing his best to work at this and make you feel little more secure...but in the mean time, getting yourself together and focusing on other things in your life will help with yourself, with your confidence and maybe you will realize that maybe he isn't all that great...just saying...alot of what you say always comes back to you wanting to hold on..for what? Is he really worth all of this heart ache he's been causing? Is he really that special? Or is it your insecurity tying you to him?

 

Communicate with him. You should be able to expose yourself to him and let him know what you're thinking and what you're struggling with, be open and honest about this weekend and see what he says, and what he decides to do.

[-Sanguine-]

And rightfully so.

He messed up and lost your trust, he should be doing his best to work at this and make you feel little more secure...but in the mean time, getting yourself together and focusing on other things in your life will help with yourself, with your confidence and maybe you will realize that maybe he isn't all that great...just saying...alot of what you say always comes back to you wanting to hold on..for what? Is he really worth all of this heart ache he's been causing? Is he really that special? Or is it your insecurity tying you to him?

 

Communicate with him. You should be able to expose yourself to him and let him know what you're thinking and what you're struggling with, be open and honest about this weekend and see what he says, and what he decides to do.

 

 

I'm going to try..

he makes it so hard to talk to him about my feelings.

 

I'll apologize for freaking out.

But not for how I feel.

[faithful14]

After reading your posts, I would say to back off. You try so hard and give so much in this relationship and get very little in return. It's not fair and it's hurting you. give him space and let him make the effort. A little bit of distance should show you if you are an important person in his life.

[pumpkinmoon]

He's clearly showing you where his priorities are, in other words, he got a better offer, and jumped on it, leaving you in the dust.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I think you know that you deserve better.

 

So, he's emotionally cheated on you...and now he isn't making you and your plans/feelings a priority.

 

I'm sure he's got some good qualities, but after reading your past threads, I would not have the energy to try and keep a relationship with this guy.

 

I agree! Aside from the emotional cheating, this just hasn't been going very well lately. He just doesn't seem to be putting the effort in, and if he was truly sorry for what he did and wanted this to work as much as you do, then he would put a lot more into it.

 

I know how lack of effort on their part feels and it's demoralising.

 

I have received such great advice from the posters I have quoted over the years but I never listened and as a result, I have wasted 3 years of my life on someone that just didn't care.

[DN]

I don't think you are over-reacting at all.

 

Let's just leave out the cheating part for a moment.

 

You and he had an arrangement for a weekend together to attend a grad party and meet and spend time with your family. Done deal.

 

Then he suddenly wants to change the arrangements to bring his friend, leave the grad party early and spend time with his friend instead of with you and your family. That's just plain rude and disrespectful to you and your family.

 

So you have every right to be hurt and angry and I don't think you owe him any apology at all. The reverse is true and if he doesn't recognise that you should consider whether this is someone with whom you want to be in a relationship.

 

Especially since he cheated.

[-Sanguine-]

I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for the comments. Gave me a lot to think about.

 

The thing is I'm not really sure he understood I thought he would be spending time with my family. But I know he knows it's important to me.

[pumpkinmoon]

I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for the comments. Gave me a lot to think about.

 

The thing is I'm not really sure he understood I thought he would be spending time with my family. But I know he knows it's important to me.

 

Of course he knew. It's in your original post in black and white!

 

"He just informed me today that he wants to bring his buddy from his hometown along to camp all weekend, and skip out on the grad party early."

[_Asti_]

How could he not know you were spending time with family? Its your cousin's graduation party! And I agree with DN. In my opinion, its rude and disrespectful to cancel plans like that, especially given the circumstances.

 

Maybe a little time apart is needed. If he's feeling smothered and wants his own time, then he needs to figure out what he wants. He's really hurting you in the process...

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree with Asti in the sense that you'll need to have your own life in any relationship you're in...no one can be your world and make it out alive. It can't work. I think there is just a disconnect here. You need someone more loving and available...you're suffering WAY too much. This is not what relationships are about.

 

They should be mostly happy, even in rough patches.