Sort of an update

[adviseseeker]

Well I don't know if anyone remembers my story or probably cares too much but I guess I thought I'd post an update because I'm bored....I realize that this is the getting back together forum but I really only posted here from the beginning.

 

Lets see, it's been a while since I've posted anything - probably because all the drama in my situation stopped. The last thing I wrote I think was back in April when my ex unexpectedly called me after being out of contact for a little over a month. I called back two days later, he didn't answer so then I texted him a few days after in case he missed the phone call to basically let him know I tried to return it. Since then I haven't heard anything for around 2 months. It actually seems longer! I can't believe it's only been two months of NC again. This would make it about 8 months post breakup, being out of contact for maybe 3-4 months. Feels like forever...

 

Well how am I? I've been doing great actually. My life is wonderful and fun at the moment, I'm always busy and in a great mood - meeting new people. I'm back to my upbeat self and it feels great. Sometimes I do get lonely, and some nights I think back on my relationship and get a little emotional but they are few and far between. Otherwise I'm doing great and enjoying myself. I haven't met anyone new yet, any guys that I have met so far are either a) douchebag/immature b) not my type or c) have a girlfriend. I don't mind though, I have somewhat high standards I guess..

 

Well even though I have been out of contact with the ex for so long there was still one thing - he still hadn't gone to take his vehicle back from my parents house. So I found out a few weeks ago that they actually called him again and my mother talked to him on the phone. She said he was very polite and apologized, and also offered to give them a gift for being so patient with him. Shortly after he went over there and took his vehicle away and left them the present as they weren't home. Around the same time as this an important document of his was delivered to my door because he hadn't changed his address, I wasn't sure what to do with it so I thought about it for about a week and decided to text message him to see what he wanted me to do with it (mail/pickup). It's taken a week or two to arrange something because it would take me all day to respond to his messages, but over text messaging we have decided he will come to pick it up this coming Saturday I think. So I will be seeing him...and I'm not sure what to think about that. I'm kind of looking forward to it/a little nervous about it. He's been very nice about the whole thing so I'm not angry or anything, just neutral I guess. I wonder if we will talk and catch up or if he just wants to get it and leave. I will see.

 

Other than that nothing much else to write about...yay?

[sunday2010]

Wow.I don't know your story.But 6 weeks out of a breakup myself and do not believe I will hear from my douche bag ex who basically thinks I don't exist.total scum for not even ringing to see if I'm ok.

 

6 weeks feels like 20 years

 

all I can say is is that he was inhuman.And yours sounded liek he was at least slightly human.

 

I'm sorry to sound awful I'm having one of those really really bad days post breakup. It will be interesting to see how you go.

[TSandullo]

Hi AdviseSeeker

 

Great hearing from you after a long tim, I hope you are you are well.

 

Well how am I? I've been doing great actually. My life is wonderful and fun at the moment, I'm always busy and in a great mood - meeting new people. I'm back to my upbeat self and it feels great. Sometimes I do get lonely, and some nights I think back on my relationship and get a little emotional but they are few and far between. Otherwise I'm doing great and enjoying myself. I haven't met anyone new yet, any guys that I have met so far are either a) douchebag/immature b) not my type or c) have a girlfriend. I don't mind though, I have somewhat high standards I guess..

 

That was my fave part of your post, since it was specifically about yourself and how you've been doing. Glad to hear that you are generally well, and yes, naturally you will have those sad moments of missing the ex.

 

Whatever happens at the meeting, I am sure you will do great.

 

TC and all the best

 

TS

[learning2relax]

Hang in there and remind yourself that you are doing great without him. As much as you miss him, you are proving to yourself that you don't need a relationship to be happy. Go with the flow when he comes by this weekend and be confident.

[petite]

Pleased you're dong great AS, and hope you continue to stay happy. Hope all goes well on Sunday.

[Ms Darcy]

Good to see you are doing well as well. Stay strong and have a good weekend.

[adviseseeker]

Thanks for all the support guys! I didn't think anyone cared lol I have to say that I never thought I would think this but my life has actually gotten better since the breakup and I have more confidence in myself than I ever had before. I get attention from many guys all of the time (never seemed to happen that much for me before), but I'm pretty picky at the same time so I haven't found anyone special just yet. I had gained a lot of weight while I was in my relationship and since then I've lost about 40 pounds believe it or not! I don't know what happened but I lost it, and now I'm back to the size I was in high school it's pretty amazing. It may never have happened if my relationship didn't end and I chose to take better care of myself. This whole time I've focused on myself immensely now that I'm not trying to take care of another person. Anyway, 8 months in (well less if you count the back and forth stuff that went on for a few months) and I'm doing great!

 

I don't think anything will happen during the meeting with my ex, I expect he will either leave right away or we will talk for a bit and he will leave. Either way it doesn't matter too much to me....

[petite]

I am certain he will be very surprised by the way you look now and maybe even a little jealous because you change while being alone and you're not dependent on him to be happy. Stay positive.

[diamond78]

adviseseeker,

 

So glad to see you posting and happy! That's the best part about your post and your indifference to the meeting on Saturday. Sounds like you are doing well and feeling strong.

 

I just want to know how you lost those 40 pounds! I need some tips!!

[TSandullo]

I didn't think anyone cared lol

 

We don't. We simply want to bump up our post numbers and upgrade our ENa membership!

 

LOL kidding. We do care really!

 

Do let us know how the meeting goes. Exciting or not, I'm curious to find out how you handled it.

 

TS

[elle83]

I do remember your thread. I'm glad you have gotten to a stronger point in your life - and have taken back the power to be happy without your ex. You deserve it!

 

It's his loss, and you'll side swipe him with your hot body

[adviseseeker]

Haha well I'm glad people are interested in what's going on in my life. So I'll update again then!

 

Well on Saturday I had plans with a friend in the afternoon/evening (he had work in the morning) so I texted him that I would be home probably late (9 or 10) and I'd call him when I get in so he could come pick it up. Then I spent the day with my friend and she was very unimpressed with this.... She told me it sounded like a booty call-type situation (which I honestly hadn't even considered) being late at night, she was worried that something would happen between us....and really I would never make that mistake again with him EVER unless we were working towards a relationship and only after a few months! Anyway, he texted me around 10 asking if I was home, and well my friend wouldn't let me respond! She wouldn't let me use my phone really, and convinced me to go out with her and stay at her place that night instead. The reason for the late night meeting I planned was because I would be leaving the next morning for a trip.

 

My friend and I had talked a bit about it that night, I mentioned that I might consider getting back together with him if he proved himself...both her and her fiance told me that I was better than that and were a bit agitated with me. So I left it alone and didn't respond to his text. We went out that night, I chatted with a new guy at the pub and gave him my number he was pretty cute...might go on a date with him soon The next morning I felt bad though, I'm not the type of person to do that, ignore him completely after saying I'd call him. So I just texted him apologizing about the night before, I told him I'd just drop it off at his house before I leave and asked if anyone would be home. I was actually pretty surprised that he responded, it was maybe 7 am on a Sunday. He said he'd be home and that was fine.

 

So I went home and packed, a few hours later I let him know when I was coming and headed over to his house. It was a bit awkward at first, he was in his pajamas (really? he couldn't even get dressed and look presentable?) I just handed it over and sort of stood there not saying much. He started asking things about my life, so we ended up sitting outside and talking. I looked amazing by the way! Him?....not so much. He looked tired and unattractive with more grey hair (there was also something very embarrassing about him but it's a little too specific - basically he damaged a part of his face which would greatly ruin chances with prospective women I giggled actually. I think I may have been a little too harsh about it but I laughed a lot because it was shocking, I mean I just thought....karma? I asked him how it was going trying to get the ladies with it and he said it was humbling. To that I said, 'Yeah, you could use a bit of that'....

 

We chatted for a good hour. I mentioned my trip to Mexico coming up, talked about friends and family situations, school and work. I have an amazing job making good money, and things are going well with me. He's been working a lot basically, I could see how tired he was and how unhealthy looking he was. He just didn’t look good and I wasn't impressed to say the least. I'd have to say that my attitude probably came off as a little uncaring or indifferent. I honestly didn't really feel it...before I got there I was afraid that a bunch of feelings would come back but it was pretty surprising when they didn't. In that moment I actually felt completely confident that I was too good for him and he doesn't really deserve me. Maybe he could see it or feel it because he wasn't trying to be charming like last time, he wasn't staring at me smiling he was just looking at the ground. I think he was embarrassed of himself. I think my energy was completely different and something like that can't be faked, it's in your eyes and body language pretty much. I think I gave off the vibe that I was seeing someone too...he didn’t ask or anything but my attitude might have seemed like it.

 

Anyway after we ran out of things to talk about I said I had to go. We got up and he thanked me for bringing it to him and apologized for it being such a hassle. I said it was okay and was easier than mailing it to him. He hugged me and as I was opening the gate unbelievably he said, "I'll talk to you soon". No joke, he actually said that!! Such a recurring theme. I turned around and said, 'Sure you will...' then I just smiled and said goodbye and walked away.

 

And that was that! It made me feel better seeing him like that I guess, I think it gave me a bit of closure. On the drive after I got a little emotional and teary eyed...I was pretty confused about my feelings. I realized that when he somewhat disfigured himself it was actually the same time that he called me out of the blue in April and left that message, he must have just felt really bad about himself and needed some support so he called me. It probably wasn’t even about the relationship or missing me...which would be why he never called back (but I’m just speculating). I don’t know right now, but I’m just thinking that I’m not sure if he even has it in him to give me what I really need. I don’t think right now that he’s even capable of that, and maybe that won’t happen for us...and I’m okay with that. Who knows what the future will bring though because it seems the tables have finally turned for me and I now have my power back. It’s been a long time coming...8 months and I’ve now got the upper hand! So who knows, maybe all this time that I wasn’t able to really let go it was only feeding his ego and dragging it out. Now that he can see the shift he may have a change of heart at some point. I just feel like, I fought for him and our relationship for so long but he never fought for me. That’s something he’d need to do if he wants to be with me again and I don’t think he has it in him.

 

So in conclusion, I’m just moving on....

[adviseseeker]

Oh yeah the weight. Well when I was with my ex I cooked a lot, and I cooked too many rich meals. Since then I have been eating way less carbohydrates like pasta and bread, and for meat I'm eating less red meat and mostly just chicken and fish. I also greatly reduced my serving sizes, I eat way less food now and I pay more attention to eating healthy things and reducing the amount of calories I eat in a day. Then I think going off birth control had something to do with it as well...yeah, not exercising a whole lot but I try

[1guygirl]

oh gawd AS yeah i remember your thread...my how the tables turn

 

i bet it killed him seeing you 40lbs lighter while hes not in such great shape...too bad huh!

 

im jus glad youre getting on happily in your life and i would say good luck with ya new date...i hope it works out

 

be the one that got away indeedy

[brandnewday47]

I'm so impressed with how strong you've become.. Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now! Hoping that a lot of us here dealing with our 'situations' can follow your lead..

[bluberry]

adviseseeker, wow.. thanks for the update! It's really good to read about how others have reached the light at the end of the tunnel! thanks!

[TSandullo]

Oh yeah the weight. Well when I was with my ex I cooked a lot, and I cooked too many rich meals. Since then I have been eating way less carbohydrates like pasta and bread, and for meat I'm eating less red meat and mostly just chicken and fish. I also greatly reduced my serving sizes, I eat way less food now and I pay more attention to eating healthy things and reducing the amount of calories I eat in a day. Then I think going off birth control had something to do with it as well...yeah, not exercising a whole lot but I try

 

You could start an entirely new thread with your dietary suggestions

Glad to hear you are looking, feeling great.

Above all, you've done it for yourself.

 

TS

[confused2010]

You're a girl after my own heart! I think we are on the same timeline and wavelength! I'm so glad you're feeling better! The sun is shineing brighter for me too

[adviseseeker]

Well...I guess I was too hopeful that things were headed in the right direction. My feelings are starting to come back a bit, I feel a lot of remorse and sadness, and also a bit of loneliness. I guess my life isn't exactly at the place I want it to be right now (socially) even though I'm working on it.

 

To be honest I still miss him and miss being in a relationship. I feel bad for having the attitude that I had the day that I saw him, I think I seemed a bit agitated and when he said he'd talk to me soon I said, 'Sure you will' (though I said it with a smile). I think it was a little rude because I do want to talk to him and spend time with him soon. Now I think I messed up any chances of that because he could be afraid of me. The thing is, I know that I should move on because that is what's best for me...he probably couldn't give me what I need. If I were to get back together with him he'd have to put his pride aside and apologize, explain himself and promise me things...I just don't think he will do that. But I still want him to, and I want him to call me soon....

 

Does this sound ridiculous??!

 

I had a dream about him last night, I was walking in a park by the water with trees on the side in rows like an orchard. I saw a red truck parked by a tree and I walked over and inspected it to see what type of truck it was. At first it looked like a Ford, and then I looked closer and saw that it was a Mazda or something. I realized that it was his truck, and then he walked out of the trees and greeted me. We talked and I discovered he had a girlfriend, and they had been together for a while. I was filled with anger and I slapped/punched him numerous times in the dream for deceiving/hurting me. Though this dream sounds like it's mostly about him, it's interesting that last night I went out with coworkers for drinks and the guy that's been flirting with me this whole time invited his girlfriend out and I met her (from afar). So it could have to do with both guys. It confuses me when he flirts with me so I assumed his relationship probably was not doing too great, but then I saw him with his girlfriend being very affectionate and I guess I was pretty jealous. It doesn't help that he looks a lot like my ex.

 

So what to do now? I've been going over it in my head a lot today. I was thinking maybe I could open up the lines of communication and see what he's doing tonight (holiday celebrations going on) so he doesn't think I hate him. I could wait until a bit more time has passed like a week or two to do the same...or I could continue without contacting him and wait to see if he ever calls me.

 

Thoughts?

 

Maybe my ego is just bruised, I saw him while looking all amazing and having the upper hand (I thought) - yet he is still distant and doesn't care enough to try. So maybe I'm upset just because I'm not getting any attention from him, or any other guys for that matter.

[adviseseeker]

So what to do now? I've been going over it in my head a lot today. I was thinking maybe I could open up the lines of communication and see what he's doing tonight (holiday celebrations going on) so he doesn't think I hate him. I could wait until a bit more time has passed like a week or two to do the same...or I could continue without contacting him and wait to see if he ever calls me.

 

It seems silly now a few minutes later that I was considering this...I really can't and shouldn't contact him at all and I know that. If he doesn't show any interest in a few months time and I'm still thinking about him, I might drop a line or something to see where it goes but it's not in my best interest right now, that's for sure! But who knows, my birthday is at the end of this month and maybe he will reach out then (if he even remembers my birthday! haha). I think I will definitely wish him a friendly happy birthday at the end of the year as well and we could catch up again then. Anyway, I hope I can find someone who makes me just as happy or even happier than he made me, and I hope it happens when I'm finally healed and ready.

 

Cheers!

[Ms Darcy]

If I were to get back together with him he'd have to put his pride aside and apologize, explain himself and promise me things...I just don't think he will do that.

 

As a general comment, I think this is the worst part of the prospect of getting back together. Usually one person expects the other to apologize and jump through hoops. Sometimes it's warranted, don't get me wrong, but not always. And so you can't come into it as equals ... one person is auto-lowered to grovel mode.

 

Anyway, I'm happy to see your progress. I don't really need to tell you this, because you already know it in your heart, but he's probably not coming back sweetheart. The best thing for you to do is avoid plotting ways to communicate and seem nice and to move towards healing.

 

It sets back healing to see someone when you are not over them.

[adviseseeker]

Hmmm well I just found a box of things under my bed of his, I guess it was wedged in a place that I couldn't see before until I was looking for a fallen earring this morning. So, I'm not sure what I should do. I think he'd probably want this stuff back (card collection)...so should I contact him about it? I think he still lives in the same place so I could always drop it off at his doorstep and since the weather is really nice lately it won't get ruined.

 

I don't want this to be an excuse to see him, it seems like even months and months after the breakup there are STILL things to be sorted out. I'm kind of annoyed actually...once he got his car back I thought it would be over for good, then the diploma and now this? Sure I wouldn't mind showing up looking amazing again but there just hasn't been enough time of no contact since the last time. I think it's only been a month or so.

 

What should I do!?! I could wait till mid August to maybe shoot him a message about it, and then I could just drop it off when he's not home. I'm really not the kind of person who would throw it out, that's just mean in my opinion. I don't know...

[Brownstone322]

I don't want this to be an excuse to see him, it seems like even months and months after the breakup there are STILL things to be sorted out.

Don't do anything. Just put these things (and any other non-essential items of his that you might find) in a safe place and hold them. If he ever calls and asks about them, then you can make arrangements to give them back.

 

Eventually you'll have every right to toss the stuff, but you're nowhere near that point yet.

[snoopydog]

Don't do anything. Just put these things (and any other non-essential items of his that you might find) in a safe place and hold them. If he ever calls and asks about them, then you can make arrangements to give them back.

 

Eventually you'll have every right to toss the stuff, but you're nowhere near that point yet.

Agreed. .

[adviseseeker]

I was cleaning out a closet today and I found yet another box. So now I have two, and the thing is he probably doesn't know/hasn't realized yet that I have these things. That's the worst part, the fact that he'd probably want them back if he realized I had them. The thing is, I think it's kinda wrong to hold onto this stuff without him knowing and then throw it out later...I would feel so bad. If it was my last ex it wouldn't phase me at all, I would've loved to throw out his stuff but not this one. I don't have any grudges towards him and I kinda hope that someday we could be friends again, and I'd really like him to have this stuff back.

 

So now I need to make a decision on what to do, and I was thinking maybe I'd hold onto them for a month or two then just randomly contact him saying that I was cleaning and stumbled upon two boxes of his and to either pick them up or I drop them off for him. I think that's reasonable...

 

Damn, I just don't know. I mean, the stuff isn't super important but it has some sentimental value and I think it would be really upsetting when he realizes down the road that certain things of his got thrown away like that, and it's not even a hassle for me. It would also be on my conscience and I don't want that. Any opinions? Maybe I should stick to NC and if he doesn't try to get in touch with me in the next few months at all then I could just drop it off without telling him one day. Or maybe Brownstone is right and I should just hold onto it for long enough that it won't matter anymore...unless he gets in contact with me again someday.

 

I think I'm over analyzing this and I should just put them back in the closet and forget about it for a while...