For The Kids

[Skeptic76]

Trying to sort out my guilt feelings....

 

Ex cheated - denies it. Would reconcile if she would come clean (ALMOST just decided to escape the pain by taking her back and pretending I believed her that "nothing happened" but held firm knowing that it would all come up sooner or later...)

 

That should be enough background.

 

I feel guilty at times for divorcing my wife because I know it's going to be REALLY hard on the kids.

 

I know I have it in me to forgive her and rebuild but my pride won't let me do it without her taking responsibility for her mistakes. Also, I fear that she would feel as though she "got away with something" if we reconcile on a foundation that is less than honest, and that perhaps the behavior would continue or re-emerge at some point down the road. Or that I wouldn't be able to fully let go of my hurt feelings and forgive, and the resentment would bubble up and spoil things despite my best efforts.

 

I'm all screwed up leaving somebody I love and popping the traditional family bubble for my two blameless children. I'm entertaining the idea that I'm selfish because I am leaving a relationship due to infidelity. I can't be the only one!? If you've shared a similar experience and walked through to the other side please chime in.

[digger11]

trust me... you two being separate is better and healthier than you harboring resentment and those after effects.

my parents are divorced.

i'm glad they are.

[Skeptic76]

thx - I believe in time it will be so obvious to me that you're right, digger.

[Skeptic76]

Sorta related to OP - as I mentioned in a moment of despair and fear I told my soon to be ex wife that I wanted to come home and was willing to never speak of the "affair she didn't have" provided she met a few conditions like never speaking with him again.

 

The next time the kids have a sitter we are supposed to sit down and talk this out. I really don't want her to feel like I'm toying with her because I've changed my mind (I really meant it at the time I said I would come home). We've been over the whole business of me trying to get her to tell the truth (I think it's a possibility she may go to her grave denying what really happened) more than a few times....I really don't want to bring it up again. IS THERE A TACTFUL WAY to end the reconciliation idea for good now that I'm ready?

 

Should I still meet with her in person or do it over the phone/email? I really want to be hard to hate here, I have to see and share in decision making with her regularly....

[Skeptic76]

Maybe there really isn't any way to keep from looking like a jerk in her eyes here? I'm a people pleaser by nature - but maybe I have to suck it up and just tell her the truth that I changed my mind and deep down I don't believe it would work if we gave it another try. Perhaps there isn't a need to get into the whole explanation with her?

[guynextdoor]

perhaps what you should do is focus less on her infidelity and channel all of that attention on your kids. Let her come around when she is ready and spill her lame excuses. Then decide if you are willing to accept her back. Until then your primary focus should be on your kids.

[Skeptic76]

So in the meantime, how do I say "nevermind" to my offer to come home?

[orchidrose]

I know you're past this question, but just want to chime in to say that I agree with digger. My father cheated on my mother; my mom didn't know at the time of the split, but she chose not to reconcile. One thing you do need to be very careful of it badmouthing their mother and showing your anger and sadness about the cheating around them. Growing up, my mom badmouthed the woman my dad cheated with every single day. I learned every terrible word that women call each other that way. It got to be exhausting. There are still days that she talks about how awful my father is for cheating.

 

Just remember that your wife is still the mother of your children, and they will idolize and love her regardless of what she did to you. Of course she did a terrible thing, but your children will never see it the way you do.

[iBroken]

Um - as someone who was cheated on, I dont recommend the "Never talk about it" approach.

 

I would read some of the things found over at link removed

 

You dont need to talk about it all the time however, sweeping it under the rug will not help your reconciliation in the long run.

[orchidrose]

Nevermind... misunderstood iBroken's post.

[Skeptic76]

Hmmm....I think I was probably not clear in my question here because it isn't how the thread started.

 

Couple things: While she made a mistake with an old high school flame, I don't think it was personal against me. In fact, I think it has very little (if ANYTHING) to do with me at all. I have been tempted to cheat in the past; I understand that people screw up. I'm not mad at her for that. I AM bummed that she won't accept responsibility, and that's why I'm leaving her. I am past reconciliation.

 

She is a great mom, it's one of the things that I really love about her and made me want to marry her in the first place. I truly believe that both of us will be able to minimize the emotional exposure the kids have to our divorce. While the whole thing certainly sucks for everyone involved, neither her nor myself are layering a bunch of extra suffering on the kids. She has been wonderful about letting them stay over at my new place often and she's been flexible about the days/times when they visit.

 

While I appreciate that everyone is concerned about my children (I know that once you have kids your life is no longer for you) that isn't really what I am trying to get at here...

I want to know what people think is a good way to reverse direction on my poor decision to tell her that I would "sweep the affair under the rug" and come home.

 

I have always avoided conflict and I'm sure that she's going to get aggro and say I'm jerking her around when I tell her I changed my mind. I don't see a way to really circumvent this....I suppose I will just have to bite the bullet and wing it.

 

We had planned to meet in person....I'm thinking it would be okay to do this over the phone though... Suggestions?

[Puckdog27]

We had planned to meet in person....I'm thinking it would be okay to do this over the phone though... Suggestions?

 

Im thinking its better to meet in person. Let her see you face to face and not hide behind a telephone line. Let her see the hurt and betrayal in your eyes.

[Skeptic76]

Believe me I want her to know how bad this is hurting me, but I keep asking myself if that will make the situation any better?

[orchidrose]

I think you do need to do it in person. I know that she did a terrible thing, but you did get her hopes up, so it's only right to let her down gently and tell her that you did consider reconciliation, but you know now that that's a bad idea for everyone involved. It doesn't have to be nasty or emotional, but I think it's the right thing to do to do it in person.

[Skeptic76]

Apparently my ego is still alive and well. I picked up the kids this afternoon and told my wife that reconciliation is off the table and she didn't bat an eye. I expected her to be wound up - but looks like she has made it over the hump. I know, I know - I shouldn't be disappointed that she, by all indications, is over the relationship....but seeing her respond in such a detached manner kinda shattered my illusion that I wasn't the only one in love in the marriage. I wanted to treat her cheating like a horrible mistake, and secretly hoped that at some point the pain of losing me would be too much to bear and she would come running back willing to be 100% open and honest and we could give it another shot. But this afternoon felt more like - oh, I guess you kind of have to be over the relationship on some level to go out on me....I see that I was blind to whatever had gone wrong in the relationship to leave you looking for a "fix" outside of the marriage.

 

In a way - it's okay. I'm giving myself permission to move on as well....

 

Thanks all for bearing with me. I have a couple of friends I can spill my guts to, but this forum has been a terrific forum for me to spew without shame and give my buds a break.