so confused on the path.

[kinetic32]

I have posted in the past about this relationship that im in. we have been togethor for 2 years.. i first met her in highschool, and instantly was in awe over her. i never made a move back then. 13 years past and i still thought about her everyday. i finally just went for it and contacted her and told her how i felt.

 

its been 2 years now we have been togethor, its been a ldr for the most part. as i live upstate and she lived down...she was finishing school.. I have left the relationship twice in these 2 years, mostly because she get so wrapped up in her life, there is just no left over time for her to devote to me or a relationship. before i could understand with school. but now school is done and nothing has changed.

 

Im at a point where if we split again its forever. weve had enough chances.

i completely have always rearranged my life to fit weekends in with her over the years. but it seems like she only is willing to see me when it conveniently fits into her schedule. we talk at the end of the day 1030 for like 5-10 min. im going down there for 5 days next week but im going to stay with my friend. she has yet to even mention getting together, and doesn't show any excitement in the hopes of seeing me. we have not seen each other since the beg of may. she just refuses to talk about things. she refuses to discuss her thoughts and feelings, and she talks about everything in terms of "I".. and doesnt think in terms of "we" yet she calls and talks to me everyday like nothing is wrong.

 

is it too much for me to expect more from the relationship.. I want someone who will be there with me. i can survive on my own, and so can she.. but i want to survive together, to be apart of a team, to work to be with each other through everything,, even if its bad... and i don't think she thinks that way.

 

so she doesn't want to talk about things... she doesn't want to break up,, she says shes still very much in love with me..

 

I care and love her very much... but do i deserve to be in relationship when im doing all the work to keep things togethor? should I feel so alone?

 

any advice would help..

 

I just dont know what to do.

 

thanks

J

[honeyspur]

Here's the thing - it is not a good idea to let ldr's go on too long. 2 years is really stretching it. You have not explained why you won't move or vice versa? I noticed you said you've disscussed this issue on here before - can you provide links?

 

The two ldr's I know of are at this point on the rocks. Ldr's have a very exciting side to them. Passion and desire can always be strong - the getting together can always be an adventure - traveling, romance, the sadness of leaving - all very intense. It's easy to stay in the game because the monotony of daily exposure is never felt - at some point you part ways.

 

Usually one or both people are not ready to go through the REAL struggle of being together with no break. There is something appealing about having your private life and the regular visits. (A lot of married couples do wish they could take a break from their spouses, despite the tight bond - they miss being single at times, etc) Day to day living truly is way harder and way different.

 

If there a lots of excuses coming from her but she doesn't want to let go - it is probably true that she likes her life as is. She does love you, she doesn't want to let you go and she wants to have a private life that you aren't a part of. Something shady may be going on or it may not. She may just have interests/social style/work life that she wants undisturbed or unjudged. Just having your partner say "I'm not really into old movies" can make someone decide to keep their Friday's free so they can keep going to that regular theater with the friends that DO love old movies. Am I making sense?

 

You don't have to be a difficult person for her to want the space - if she knows you well, she might not want to give up things in order to see you.

Also, people who shy away from routine without clear communication are confused about the situation. They don't know if they want to be in it, but are not willing to give it up because maybe it will change later on.

 

If you have set a deadine for moving closer, she may feel it's ok to ease up on the visits because she is actually MORE confident that things are going to last. You've made set plans, it hasn't changed - so to her there is no threat. She may feel very sure of things and doesn't understand why you are upset. At some point you will be together and see each other daily forever - so in her eyes - nothing to discuss.

 

If she has a very hopping social life she may just not be willing to settle down. She loves you - you are her main guy - but she wants her options open. She may still decide to stay with you - but if you are both really young (under 27/28 ) it is common for people to really want to be sure. That doesn't mean they are necessarily out getting with other guys - they are leaving it open in case they do meet someone - in case the opportunity arises. It may never come and they will decide get back to the old routine when they realize this.

 

The thing is - what she does now may reflect who she is if you ever move in together. She may require a certain amount of space even though you see each other every day.

 

I hope this helps some as I don't have a lot of specific details. Thanks for posting and letting us know what's going on.

[kinetic32]

honey:

 

we had a set time frame to move togethor it was when she was done with school.. now the time has come.. we traveled to seattle to scout and hunt for jobs.. that didnt pan out.. then about a month ago we went to south carolina to look neither one of us had luck getting there.. at the same time she said she was going to move with me ..if i found work and she didnt.. i said i would go and find something just to be with her.. shes not willing to do that. there is a job opening where i am. its a job she went to school for and we would be able to live togethor and at least work from there maybe for a time till we can move out of state.. thus far shes shown no interest in entertaining the idea.. and has said she hunting for jobs where shes at.. i have tried for the past year to get into a job where she is at.

 

she does not have a big social life.. she goes to work.. goes to gym, goes home, eats, sleeps.. she lives with her parents still and when i come down there we never have any alone time.. nor does she go out of her way to create any..

 

the more i describe the situation.. the more i realize i know the answer im looking for. the body has died.. the mind hasnt realized it yet. i dont have the links to the other posts.. the jist is just the same thing going on now.. no communication period...i talk about how i feel and what my thoughts are and try to figure out a game plan for our future.. she says nothing...just nothing... yet i ask if

 

she is happy: yes

do you love me: yes

are you still in love with me: yes always

then why wont you make the relationship part of your top 20 priority list: no response.

 

i feel like im being strung along with no future... and even if thats not the case.. why wont she talk to me about things, instead of ignoring everything?

[honeyspur]

Yeah it does sound like she is either having doubts herself or a part of her life is just not known to you and she likes it that way. May I ask how old you both are?

 

You really should avoid feeling like she is stringing you along - she may be afraid to tell you how doubtful she is because she wants things to stay as they are. When she says nothing - how do you respond. Do you say she is being unresponsive and it's making you frustrated? Or does she say things like "I don't know" a lot? Because she may not really know.

 

Avoidance has to do with fear. Fear doesn't always mean terror - it can mean a slight discomfort of the unknown. So I'm not saying this scary as much as uncomfortable.

 

You ask why she doesn't do things - but I am beginning to be more curious as to why you aren't deciding to let go. And I know you love her - but I think it is strange you will keep going with her. In fact it is strange to me you maintained your feelings for her despite this. Why are you not falling out of love? Why would you want her to do anything serious if she isn't excited/responsive or bringing it up herself? What would be the motivation?

 

You have a right to the future you want. You have the skills and ability to overcome your attachment to her and find someone who is not only local, but more in the minset you are. If you are looking for commitment - avoid ldrs. They don't promote commitment by their very nature. Nothing about ldrs reflects commitment.

 

Effort makes things happen - no effort makes things come to a standstill. Stagnant things eventually die and waste away and all we are left with is memory. Your analogie about the body dying is very accurate.

 

Something about your description is not fully making sense and I think it has to with not having both sides of the story. Their are crucial details she has that will really make this easier but she doesn't come her to talk about you - so this is going to be hard to clearly define. Have you written her these concerns so she must answer you in print? I see you love her but I also hear maybe some pushiness? I mean no disrespect - I realize you do not have bad intentions.

 

Are you open to the idea of not asking her anymore - releasing pressure entirely - and see if she starts warming back up?