She's not a replacement... Please help!!

[bingray]

This is tough to explain so bear with me please..

 

My last girlfriend and I had lived together shortly. She and I had made plans to buy a home and to make a life together. She and I had been apart because of work so the last few months of that more or less drove us apart. Was I settleing? Possibly

 

I now have a new girlfriend who I've been with about a year and she's great. She moved into my old apartment and now we have a house together. Her fear is that she's just a replacement because things are happening kind of the same way that they happened for the ex. I love this girl with all of my heart and I treat her well and I know that she loves me but she feels like she's a repeat pattern in that regard. This is THE major conflict in our relationship. I would love some advice please!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your girlfriend has a very good point...however, she could have made the choice to slow things down and do things differently from how you chose to do them with your ex. Were you honest with her at the beginning of the relationship about how you moved in quickly with your ex and made plans to buy a home and have a future together? If I were her I too would be concerned that you are in love with the notion of moving in with someone and buying a house together..and that someone could be anyone...your ex, this new girlfriend or any subsequent girlfriend.

[bingray]

Yes I've laid everything out on the table. The thing is I feel differently about her than I did the ex. I'm not settling as I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. The past relationship I had doubts. With this one, the only doubt is her ability to get over my past. I frustrated beyond belief because I have told her these things and this dilemma keeps rearing its ugly head.

I'm a pretty laid back guy and let her do a lot of the things she wants to do but I feel that she thinks this is me settling again

[DN]

Do you think that you will marry her?

[bingray]

I would love to marry her. The timing isn't right but it's going to happen. We've talked about it openly and the only issue is with me possibly marrying the ex when I was with her as well.

[DN]

But you didn't marry the ex. An engagement does not have to be immediately followed by a wedding but it does show a serious commitment.

[bingray]

I really don't have the money to spend on an engagement ring right now or I would totally do it. I'd rather not give her something nice

[Cadence44]

Print out this thread. Wait for a time when you think she might be receptive and bring it to her to read.

 

When she's finished reading, how about asking her what she needs from you so that she can feel more secure with you? Tell her to think about it and to let you know when she's thought of what she needs you to do.

 

At the same time, knowing that your intentions are true she's going to have to find the courage to trust you. She could do irreparable damage if she continues on with this insecurity about her importance in your life. When all is said and done, trusting you is a choice that she has to make if she wants things to work. Otherwise, she's asking you to prove something that's impossible for you to prove if she also doesn't try to believe in you.

[Cadence44]

I really don't have the money to spend on an engagement ring right now or I would totally do it. I'd rather not give her something nice

 

I'm assuming you meant that you'd rather give her something nice.