Please help!!

[sadeyesppr]

So my boyfriend and I broke up 11 days ago. He broke up with me. he said taht he wasn't feeling the same, he needed space and time to find himself and rediscover himself and that he didn't think he loved me anymore. I asked if there was hope for us and he said that probably not b/c he just didn't feel that way about me. I went by his house the next day to pick up my DSLR and my credit card and drop off some of his clothes. We ended up hanging out for a few hours where we had a really great time. I went to leave at one point because it was getting too intense and I was getting too hurt, but he told me to stay because he liked having me around. I did and we had a good time but once I left I haven't talked to him. At the end of this day he said he had a little bit of hope for us and that we should talk later.

 

He asked on of my sister's friends what he should do about me and she told him that if he loved me to come back and if he didn't to kill all hope. He told her he now knew what he had to do but when she asked him what he was gonna do, he didn't respond.

 

I've been having this crazy urge to call him today. I went NC 9 days ago and have been firm. No text, call, email, facebook, twitter, nothing. But I don't know if I can continue. I don't know if this is even making him miss me or reconsider us or anything. I just want him back so bad right now. I don't know.

 

Help please! Should I break NC?!

[Kia-Kaha]

You are not going to like this answer but I think most people on here will agree that you should keep going with the NC.

 

He knows where you are, he should be the one to initiate contact back with you. Keep working on yourself and go out and have some fun etc.

 

Only he knows (obviously) what he decided to do when your sister's friend talked to him. I am sure he is sorting it out in his own head to make sure before making any decision either way.

[Wicked_One]

NC would probably be your best option, as Kia-Kaha said he knows where you are and how to reach you, however you know him better than anyone and only you know if not talking to him will (or could) push him away. It all depends on the type of person he is in my opinion.

If I were in your situation I wouldn't try to contact him because he said he needed space and time to think and rediscover himself, so I would give it to him rather than smother him.

Obviously you'll want to talk to him again, for whatever reasons, so set a date if you decide on NC. One month, 6 weeks, or longer, whatever feels best for you. Then just call him and ask him for coffee or a chat or whatever and stick to lighter topics and try to avoid talking about your relationship/break-up. And then play it from there.

These are all just suggestions though of course, it's up to you what you decide.

Good luck and stay strong, I hope it all works out in the end.

[hellohello1]

sweetie i am going through the same thing as you sort of. i can relate. my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up wtih me nearly 4 weeks ago becaues he is confused, needs to figure out who he is. needed time to figure out his identity before he could be in a relationship. please do not contact him. i know its difficult. anyway the first week or 2 i begged and pleaded. the past 2 weeks i have not initiated contact. he has contacted me twice since. yesterday he asked me to come over, to exchange things..so we did. but i am planning on continuing not to contact him. he really needs his time to get his stuff together. and you need time to sort your stuff. talking to him will not be any good! when i didnt contact him for 2 weeks he otld me he it helped him think about things, and he realized that he did probably want to be with me (not right now) he just needs to figure out who he is.

 

he is 23, and his best friend is getting married and i think it gave him cold feet, which is exactly what he said..

 

how old is your boyfriend? maybe he is experiencing something similar...please just try to move on though, if its mean to be it will be (as much as i hate that saying)

[sadeyesppr]

He just turned 19. We're both 19 actually. He's transferring to a new college this year and they don't offer dorms so he's been having all that college stress on him, he JUST got his license [his parents didn't have money to pay for his insurance and his older brother's insurance and he never really needed his license until now], and all his friends are in crazy committed relationships and are all ridiculously happy with each other. So yeah.

 

I'm gonna keep up the NC. It's just killing me to do it, b/c I want to talk to him so bad. And I have all these ridiculous excuses. Hell I looked through all my clothes and picked out all of his that I had left and put them in a bag with the intention of calling him and telling him to set up a day so I can drop it off and then make that into a coffee meet up or something. I don't know. I'm going through that phase of desperate need for contact and it's driving me insane

[sadeyesppr]

I caved. I called him in a moment of weakness. He didn't answer, so I left him a message. "I just called to tell you that I found that hoodie you wanted back. Hit me up when you want to get it." and i hung up.

 

Because I told him I would call when I found the hoodie. And I found it...but I wasn't going to call and that was the best excuse I had. *sigh*

 

It hurts a lot more than I thought. * * * * .

 

What now? Start from scratch?

[Skeptic76]

Just wait and see what happens with your phone call. Pay attention to how it feels waiting for the call back. If the call was returned, what happened? Maybe you will start down the road of reconciliation, and that seems to be what you would like. Perhaps it won't lead to getting back together. Either way, take some time to sit quietly by yourself and really examine how you feel and what you're thinking before you make any decisions.

[sadeyesppr]

He ignored my call on purpose because like 20 minutes afterwards I get on twitter and there he is, posting from a text message something about the world cup.

 

I'm not waiting for a call back. It honestly seems like he wants nothing to do with me, like he doesn't miss me and that he hates me. it hurts a lot. I dont know anymore. I'm too hurt right now. I should've kept going with NC. I guess I learned my lesson

[Leveller]

In my experience no contact is not only your best option it really is the only option. I'm not one to bleat endlessly the no contact mantra but for your own sake don't ask like a fish on the hook. Be steadfast and BELIEVE it is HIM who has lost YOU - DO NOT CHASE you will appear needy and clingly and they are unattractive characteristcs in a partner. Do the opposite of what your heart is telling you. Read Tired Tiger's thread on Push-Pull theory and grow your understanding of how relationships and power balances between people work. Have an appreciation of these dynamics and whatever might happen between you, you are not going to lose your respect and you might just gain his and have him comprehend what he has lost.

[hellohello1]

aww, i know it hurts. please think about this everytime you want to contact him again. when he wants his hoodie back he will contact you..i texted my ex a couple times where he did not contact me. it hurt. then i decided to not contact him and a week later he shows up at my work..dont think anything of it other than he does not want to talk to you right now at this moment in time. he needs time for the dust to settle.

[sadeyesppr]

Leveller: Yeah, I mean I think the main reason I started NC in the first place was not to get him back, but so I can earn my self respect back by being strong with this.

 

 

And Hellohello1, you're right. I mean I have SUCH a good feeling about me and him, you know? I don't know if it's a legitimate good feeling or wishful thinking, but I know that if we gave us a second chance, we'd be wonderful. Well at least on my end because I know where I went wrong and I'm working on myself. But I guess I'm too anxious to get started on the reconciliation. Because he's working now, he leaves for California for 2.5 weeks in July and then when he comes back he's off to his new university [which is only 15 minutes away from mine...] and I feel like there will be no room for me in his new life unless I patch things up now. I know that's not the case, but it feels like it.

 

I might just be going crazy. If you don't mind me asking, what ended up happening with you and your ex after he showed up?

[hellohello1]

i know it hurts really bad. if you want you can look at my thread to find out waht happened, its on the opening page of getting back together entitled "please help asap"

 

i know that you just want to speed things up, just hoping something will hapen in the next week or something. its been nearly 4 weeks since my breakup, and up until maybe a few days ago i had been in the same position as you. but i have slowly realized that if we do get back together, i want to do it right. and if he is not ready to be with me right now i do not want to be with him. more than likely, this would happen again, and i could not go through that. i know its soooo tough, but hang in there. i am trying to change too (i would get anxiety and could be pretty controlling). i think time, regardless of what happens, will help us. please try to stay busy. hang out with friends, take up a new hobby, its summer so maybe do something new and unusual! the last time i talked to my ex i told him i was kickboxing, fishing this week, and all of this stuff and i think he was a little surprised as i was the clingy and needy one towards the end of our relationship.

 

i know tis so tough right now and youre not in the mindset but you can make it through it. just take it one day at a time. whatever you do please do not contact him. of course you guys will talk again, its not liek you will never hear from him. this time is very very helpful. if you read my thread you will see that the few weeks wehre i didnt contact him, he told me it made him easier to think about thigns and less confused. how long have you guys been broken up for?

[sadeyesppr]

He broke up with me last Wednesday, so barely two weeks. He was cold and detached for like two weeks prior to the break up and every time I tried to talk to him about what was wrong he kept saying nothing and that he was just spacing out. Then he told me he felt empty and then a week later he said that the emptiness had gone away and that he was feeling good about us.

 

He had cheated on me previously, like five months into our relationship. I gave him another chance but things weren't the same afterwards. I became paranoid and super jealous and apparently that made him paranoid because he thought I was looking through his things [which I wasn't even though sometimes I really wanted to]. But yeah I became super clingy and whatnot and there were times I felt horrible. And I know that me being clingy and obsessive and suffocating is what pushed him away to the point that he didn't want to be with me anymore. And I've been going to my therapist for help with the whole cheating/trust thing because even though I've been over the actual incident, I never dealt with the emotional harm that it did to me [which is probably what drove me insane to the point where he broke up with me] and I've been coping with it properly lately.

 

I'm giving him the space that he needs. I didn't think a phone call would be that harmful, especially since it was about the damn hoodie he had been dying to get back. But he asked for five weeks so I'm really not expecting him to even try to contact me until the beginning of July. I don't know.

 

I really want a second chance to start over and whatnot. This sucks so much *sigh*

[hellohello1]

he asked for 5 weeks of not talking?? ok then make sure thats what you do. that will show him that you are independent and not the needy clingy suffocating person you were. 5 weeks is tough, but you will survive. honestly, he will probably be surprsied if you make it that long without talking to him. he is obviously confused about he wants if he was hot and cold towards the end of the relatoinship (same thing with my ex)..just try to keep busy, and whatever you do do not call him. no, it wasnt a big deal, but to him he was probably thinking "ugh i asked her not to contact me for 5 weeks and seh cant even go two weeks without talking to me?"..im so sorry because i know its tough but anything that ive learned is that really really try whatever you can to keep your mind off of it. i know its so tough. you have to realize you have no control over the situation. no matter what, you cannot control him, and until you let go of that control you will be at least ok with the situation, regardless of what happens.

 

i know its so tough and not what you want to hear. this is what i was told a few weeks ago. but honestly, these past few weeks really have made me reflect and think about what i was like during our relatoinship, and what i want to change wiht my next partner, whether it is my ex or someone new. i know it seems like such a long time, but you know it would nto be good if you guys got back together within the next little while because i dont think much would change. i know its not what you want to hear.

 

you need time away for you. he needs time away for him. if he is off having fun, or doing who knows what, then why should you be sitting around moping? i know its so tough but i honestly think if you withdraw from contacting him that things will be much clearer in a few weeks.

[sadeyesppr]

Yeah. Well I don't know it was more like "We'll talk in five weeks." and then when I probed him further about that and asked if we could keep in contact he said "Well yeah but that would defeat the purpose" to which I completely agreed, because it would. And yeah I thought he would just be like mildly annoying/amused that I couldnt go 10 days without contact but nothing huge. My friends were making it out to be like his ego would inflate so big that it would kill any chance at all of us ever getting back together. It was just one phone call, it's not like i begged or pleaded after we broke up.

 

But you're right, I have to relax and find myself and enjoy myself. If we do get back together, I want to do it right and like you said, it'd be unfair to us both if I don't have my * * * * together if the opportunity comes along. And if it doesnt, it'd be unfair to me to not have my * * * * together.

[sadeyesppr]

An update:

 

So a few days ago I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't planning on telling him anything yet just incase anything happened. I got into a car accident two days ago and had a miscarriage. I texted him afterwards and said "I would like to talk to you. I went to the doctor today and got some news that I thought you'd like to know. If you want to talk about it, let me know, I would appreciate it"

 

He called me right away and we talked about it. He immediately freaked out and kept asking if I was alright and kept apologizing over and over. We made some awkward small talk about how he was and how i was doing and he said "Listen I don't want to talk about us right now. I want to wait out the time we set" and I agreed because I'm personally not ready to talk about us with him either, even though I love him dearly and would like him back. He said he wanted to let me know that he was in a good place in his life and I told him I was glad for him, that I was getting along fine considering the circumstances [the lost baby].

 

We said we'd talk before he leaves on his trip and yeah.

 

I dont know. I don't know if we'll get back together just because of "I'm in a good place in my life right now." I mean I might be looking too much into it, but it seems like he's so much more at peace and so much more...relaxed and fun now that we're done.

 

I will remain NC with him from now until he contacts me to meet up, I have no problem with it since I know that he's waiting it out and now since the miscarriage.

 

What are your opinions?

[moving]

I'm interested in reading the "push-pull theory" thread - could someone give a link?

[sadeyesppr]

Here you go

[sadeyesppr]

Anyone? I'm starting to over think what he said

[marshmallito]

you aren't getting any opinions... cause the five weeks aren't up yet!

Sorry about your miscarriage (HUGS) I hope you are feeling better.

[1guygirl]

youve just had a miscarriage, his baby, and hes still keeping up with this 5 weeks space thing?....but its ok cos hes in a good place right now...

 

bully for him!

 

oh god tell me im not the only one who thinks this is just AWFUL!!

 

sending you my love hunny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[JoshHimself]

I think its just wrong, one of the most horrible things I've read here.

[marshmallito]

You are right 1gg, this is awful. But it doesn't sound like this guy thinks the accident is okay.

 

Remember Sadeye, this is about you. He doesn't want a relationship, during this 5 weeks or his 2.5weeks away.

 

Take care of yourself. You are young, and there are plenty of possibilities out there for you, with or without this future maybe. Concentrate on surrounding yourself with good people and having fun.

[1guygirl]

if a man cant be with you after youve been in a car accident and loosing a baby, then i would seriously doubt he ever will be.

 

he may have freaked out but thats not the same as coming over to see you, comforting you and making sure youre ok, and even GRIEVE with you over the lost baby

 

selfish selfish selfish....

 

i would tell him he can have his 5 weeks, and eternity for that matter. i say this from experience myself (although my serious car crash and miscarriage happened at different times)