Kia-Kaha

I wish I could get over her, but I think on Day 22220000 I will still feel that she was the one for me. It is a horrible thought and one I try not to have because I am trying to move on, but I have never felt this way for anyone else before and I am now in my mid-30's. I just wish she would call... I do know we need this time apart and that maybe the time apart will fix the problems, or maybe it will reaffirm her decision to leave, but only the future knows. I know I am not ready to say goodbye for real yet.

Day 21... Sick of this radio silence, and hate not having her in my life. She was my lover and my best friend. It hurts so bad to lose both in one foul swoop. Nothing about our last "goodbye" felt final, I don't know why but neither of us actually even said it. We just hugged and walked away and agreed that time would be helpful for both of us right now. I wish I knew where she was emotionally right now. I still can't go through a day without crying and the longer we are apart the more I am sure that she was the one for me. I hate this NC. I wish I had never done it, because I am sure she is not calling because I told her not to unless she wanted to talk about our issues...

I hope so, or else I am still in day 1 hahaha That is the one habit I just can't break. I miss her so I check her facebook all the time, just to see her face still and the photos of us together. I know it will hurt when she finally deletes those photos, but I can't help it!

Day 6 is almost halfway done. I feel like the NC is giving me more clarity regarding our situation, but I still know that I want her to break NC and tell me that she misses me and wants to try and work things out. I doubt that call is coming any time soon though. I wonder what she is doing and whether she is ok. Part of me really hopes that she is struggling with the NC, but part of me also hopes that this time apart will lead her back to me (which I am not sure it will). I keep expecting my phone to ring, or an email to appear. This is the longest we have ever been without communicating since I first met her This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to break the NC and tell her that I still love her and want her, but I have done that already and it changed nothing. She has to realise what I mean to her (if anything) and want to come back and talk to me. I can';t be just friends right now, and I think that's all she needs. Feel like I have become a bit addicted to this site, and talking to some of the people on here, and wonder if I am using these communications to replace talking with her and whether that means I will ever be able to move on at this rate.

Day three: I am still really struggling but am finding that the support of some of my new ENA friends is helping me through the day. I still can not even focus on anything but my feelings for my ex, but I am starting to realise that this just means that our 3 1/2 year relationship was based on true feelings for me. Feelings I wish I could have helped cultivate in her. Someone told me recently not to forget that my ex is also going through a breakup, I take this to mean that she is probably feeling the exact same emotions as I am. She is probably feeling just as confused, angry, sad and lonely as I am. This somehow comforts me, because it makes me realise that we do still have a connection to each other in some twisted way. I still hope for her to break NC and try to contact me. But I am sure she is talking to her friends who are telling her only to call if she wants to work on the relationship with me, as per my wishes. Today though I wish she would not respect my wishes and would just call. I also feel angry and sad that none of our "mutual" friends have kept in touch to check I am doing ok. I did nothing wrong, I never cheated, I gave her my entire heart, got dumped and now I feel like I am somehow the villain.

Day 2: Emotional trainwreck still. Not sure what I feel right now. Mostly exhausted and confused. I hope that she is happy where-ever she is and whatever she is doing. She deserves to be happy, I just wish I could have made her happy.

Well, I guess I survived day one. This morning is the start of day two, and I still feel like an absolute wreck. I really regret going NC right now, because I know that my ex will think twice about calling because she is going to respect my request for space. All I want right now is for her to call and tell me that she wants to work on getting us back and past the problems. I am waiting for a phonecall that I know if not coming any time soon I am NOT doing ok...

Day 1: I have been through everything today: tears, anger, pleading, knowing, missing you and sheer pain. I hope that you have experienced at least the missing me part. I love you still and want nothing more than for you to come back to me. I am not ready to lose you. I grieve everything about you. I wish I could have had the opportunity to make things right. I wish you will turn around and let us try again. I am not sure I even believe in what I am doing right now, because I know through communication we could work this all out. I am doing this for you because I love you and I hate the fact that every time we talk, I hurt you by making you hurt me. I hate seeing you cry but loved feeling your kiss, hug and touch last time I saw you. I don't know if I can do this...