When it costs too much to be friends with someone you wish was more to you

[hannahchicago]

This community seems smart and compassionate so I thought I would give this a try. In a capsule - We worked together about 2 1/2 years ago. I was engaged and he was married. For about six months we got very close and talked about our unhappy relationships. Yes, we cheated, once, and then shortly after he left the company and we both tried to make our situations work with our significant others. We had said that an "affair" would be impossible since the feelings were too intense.

 

Kept in contact. About once every month or so would meet for drinks, talk. I ended my relationship, and he a few months later split with his wife. He seperated from her a year ago, and is now divorced.

 

Saw him in December. Had a little "talk," he ended up a bit drunk, and we didn't speak for a while.

 

He continously makes plans, cancels, reschedules, cancels and then drops away for a bit. In March we had a "plan" for a dinner. Subtext, a date. Cancelled and I ddin't hear from him for about 2 months. Decided not to contact him, but professionally he calls and most times it is treally an excuse to tlak I think (ie - the questions are easily answered)

 

I would answer the calls and be polite, but not contact him on my own or follow up with the "call me next week for drinks." Unlike me in the past.

Anywho, I saw him, spontaneously on Tuesday and all of the feeling came rushing back, he asked for lunch the next day, and cancelled. Same story. He has challenging work and is dealing with a sick parent.

 

I feel that I can't just be "friends" with him. He makes references to being single, etc., but never a direct question about my status. This I think will start the same cycle and such and although I respect him as a "friend" and feel that he cares about me in some way, it's too hard to engage with him when I want more.

 

Long story, simple question - do I call him and just say, "I can't be friends in this way it causes too much confusion for me, so let me go." Or should I just say, "what's the story, you're in or you're out."

 

In advance -thanks for any response. Cheers! hannah.

[Lamour detruit]

Only reason why he was with you was because he was unhappy in his relationship, and you were available at that time. Nothing will come out of this which is obvious from all the cancellations and lack of interest. If he wanted something from you, even friendship, he would have mad an effort. Since you have feelings for this guy and he seems to have none, I would suggest not contacting him any more. No need to even anything to 'em, just do it.

[Ms Darcy]

Hannah,

 

That's a lovely name by the way ... I think you know what he's doing dear. How many times does he need to plan and then cancel on you before YOU decide that he is not going to give you what you want in a relationship?

[catfeeder]

I'd cut my losses and shoot for self-respect, instead. Next time he asks to meet, I'd say, "Sorry, you've canceled on me too many times. My answer is no."

 

If this ever prompts him to think more of you and eventually do some pretzels to get another chance with you, then that will be obvious enough. If not, then why keep wasting your time invested in someone who keeps tossing you aside?

[hannahchicago]

I feel that I should tell him that I need to cut off communication or else I will hear from him for forever

[BriarRose]

I agree with the others, having gone through a very similar for 11 months (and no, nothing more ever came of it).

 

Yes, I think it would be okay to tell him why you feel the need to cut ties. Nothing wrong with that, you have strong feelings for him. However, I do not feel that will stop him from contacting you (it didn't keep mine from doing so). In fact, he may even come on stronger. So you need to say your piece, and be prepared to go NC.

[Brigadoon]

I'd cut my losses and shoot for self-respect, instead. Next time he asks to meet, I'd say, "Sorry, you've canceled on me too many times. My answer is no."

 

If this ever prompts him to think more of you and eventually do some pretzels to get another chance with you, then that will be obvious enough. If not, then why keep wasting your time invested in someone who keeps tossing you aside?

 

What she said.

It's never too late to show someone that you weren't put on this earth to be picked up and put down on a whim.

[BriarRose]

It comes down to what Ms Darcy said. He will never give you what you want. Please trust me on this one - I went through this for 11 months with someone, thinking things would change - the hot and cold behavior - plans to see me then bailing with either lame explanations or silence for weeks at a time. I don't want you to go through the same.

[hannahchicago]

Thank you! If wishes were horses beggars would ride, I guess.