Why am I so hard on myself???

[renaissancewoman101]

I nearly had a conniption fit tonight. I got lost trying to find the meeting point for our dive session and thus the dive thing has to be rescheduled due to timing issues. The dive guy was very understanding and said it was ok and that we can plan to do it another day and to call him tomorrow to reschedule. I will NOT be charged to change the day.

 

I nearly freaked out because I got lost. I was cursing at myself and such and I think even the dive guy knew I was upset. He told me "no worries, we'll do it another day".

 

I pride myself on being on time for my appointments (haircuts, docs, dentists, etc). I try to be at least 5-10 minutes early, if not on time. I am mad at myself for being late. I left the house about 35 minutes before time and got lost with the stupid directions I got off Mapquest (I needs to get a GPS system).

 

I guess I hate having people think bad of me. I'm like that with my hair appointments, and medical appointments. I guess I shouldn't care since I am paying for THEIR services.

 

T runs late ALL THE TIME, and pisses people off (including dentists and other people). He says I am nuts for being so hard on myself about being late.

 

I dunno. I guess it was ALWAYS drummed in my head that being on time is the best thing.

[digger11]

I feel you...

 

I make mistakes (lose my wallet) and I am so hard on myself. I almost get depressed even though I know realistically it's not a big deal.... ugh. if you have a cure, let me know.

[MD Geist]

You value time a lot like me. I find myself setting my clocks up to 30minutes ahead each day meaning I wake up on average up to 15minutes early.

 

Relax a bit.

[Someday_Soon]

In regards to running late for an appointment, this undoubtedly happens all over the world thousands of times a day. You are generally a punctual person, correct? Well then you aren't significantly contributing to anyone's inconvenience on any type of a significant scale. Blaming yourself at this point isn't rational. Think of the times others have canceled or delayed the dates on your schedule. I've personally come to expect people to not be punctual, whether it is my coworkers or members of my softball team, my professors, my barber, or my casual friends. If you are punctual 7 out of 10 times, I'd say you're beating the curve. It happens literally all the time.

[renaissancewoman101]

thnx for the reassurance. I value time and punctuality mainly because I was raised that way. I don't like to be inconvenienced and so I try not to do it to others. Maybe it is because I am a polite person. T has always kept me waiting so I know how it is to be on the receiving end.

 

The dive guy was not upset with me, just said we had to reschedule due to time issues and daylight issues (not enough time to teach me stuff and then take me out). I just have to call him tomorrow morning to reschedule.

 

I've been late before, like for hair appts due to traffic issues. Most times people are understanding because I am not usually late. T, on the other hand, is habitually late and manages to piss off people.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey, RW -- I am a lot like you. I am nearly always early, and I am only late only if something unforeseen happens, which is very rare. I hold myself to certain standards and get SO frustrated with myself if I don't uphold them. Today, in fact, I was really mad at myself for losing a coupon that I had that would have given me a significant amount off of a purchase. I try to be really organized and "together," and when I misplace something I get really mad at myself -- I was berating myself saying things like "UGH! Why do I have to lose stuff that is important all the time???" The truth is, I don't do it "all the time" and I need to be a LOT more realistic when reacting to these situations.

 

We are way too hard on ourselves. Everyone is going to be late, lose something, break something, misspeak, forget something important -- every so often. You sound like me -- a people-pleaser -- someone who wants people to think well of them, someone who doesn't want to cause problems or inconvenience anyone.

 

When I start to get worked up over something like this, I stop and remind myself that everyone I know does these things, and I don't think any less of them, so why should I think badly of myself? Why do I give so much more leeway and so many more breaks to others, but none to myself? Something to think about.

[renaissancewoman101]

You pegged me to a "T". I AM a people pleaser and I always worry about offending people, even people I pay to do stuff for me (aka stylist, dentist, etc).

 

And yes, you gave me something to think about. I give leeway to others, but am harsh on myself. Even the scuba guy was saying, "hey, it's ok, we can reschedule and he said there were a lot more things to be upset about than having to reschedule".

 

I need to be more laid-back about things. But being punctual is an innate thing of mines, since I was raised that way.

[BellaDonna]

I nearly freaked out because I got lost. I was cursing at myself and such and I think even the dive guy knew I was upset. He told me "no worries, we'll do it another day".

 

If it is any consolation, I have done that several times in the past. Something about being both late & lost, while in a car is extremely annoying, especially if it is for a work meeting. I tend to be Type A and hate how it looks to show up late for anything. I am almost never late.

 

Doesn't it always seem like when you are lost, there are no street signs, no one lets you out on the road, you catch every light, 60 people cross the street in front of you, etc..... It puts you in a heightened state of frustration, and it makes the situation worse because you are not using all of your energy on finding your way/direction.

 

I won't act that way if anyone is in the car with me, but I have yelled at the top of my lungs a few times when it happened when I was alone. (Typical road rage curses "Come on!!!!" and f-bombs I actually feel like I was justified in yelling though, since while I was on my way (late) rushing to a meeting, a car in front of me was driving with a mattress tied to the roof, and it fell off in the road and barely missed my car once I slammed on my brakes. I was about 15 minutes late to my meeting at that point. I was so pissed & disgusted that I had to call one of the people at the meeting and tell them I was having road trouble and couldn't make it, at all. I think when a mattress flies at you on the road, it is a sign that you should have never gotten out of bed that morning. So I turned around and went to a cafe to relax. lol

 

Ever since I got a GPS and life has been better in this department.

I left the house about 35 minutes before time and got lost with the stupid directions I got off Mapquest (I needs to get a GPS system).

 

Don't even get me started about MapQuest. It LIES!!! I've found Google maps to be much better.

 

Should you get lost again while driving, try singing along with music in your car- it helps. Don't beat up yourself about it. Everyone gets lost & late now and then.

[renaissancewoman101]

BellaDonna, thanks for your post. Like you, I was cursing in the car as I was trying to find my way. I was berating myself for being stupid for getting lost and such, esp since I am usually very punctual, esp to things I like and enjoy. Actually I was yelling all types of foul words.

 

And yes, there usually is NOTHING around (street signs and such) when one is lost and it seems you stop for every freaking light.

 

I would have freaked out if a mattress had flown off another car and TOWARDS my car. Had a harrowing experience on a decline coming off a mountainous STEEP road, when a ladder fell off a car, opened up in front of me, and no one let me into other lanes and a semi was coming down the hill behind me I literally watched my life flash before my eyes. Semi stopped with a foot or two of mile, smoke was coming out of his brakes. When it was over, I pulled off the road and cried.

 

I will take your advice and use Google maps next time. Mapquest is such a crock.

[Catdancer]

I like to be punctual too. I despise being late, but on the same hand, I despise waiting even more. lol Trust me Ren, when you start having babies you will learn that a person with an infant or toddler is usually late. lol It used to drive me INSANE! But it never failed that I'd get all the baby stuff packed up, loaded in the car, then he'd spit up and poop at the same time, so we'd have to change diaper, wipe him off and change clothes and by now, I'm at least 20 minutes behind schedule. As he's gotten older and we've got our routine, it's better. I guess having my son has taught me to loosen up some, not be so anal and to let things roll off of me. I cannot be perfect all the time.

[Miss Firecracker]

My husband does a test drive a day or two before an appointment to a new place. He is ALWAYS early to every appointment. There is no other way for him. And he's appalled when anyone else is late too. Maybe you should do the test drive if it upsets you this much, Ren.

[Shortpants]

Yup, another habitually early person here too. And yes, I used to fly off the handle when I was running late for an appointment also, not so much anymore. I get aggrivated, but in the grander scheme of things it is not a huge deal, so I try not to let my blood pressure go through the roof when it happens.

 

One of my bosses at work is an always late person and it drives me batsh*t! He has an appointment at 9:30... and won't leave the office to even GO to his appointment until 9:45. I tell him over and over how inconsiderate this is, like you are telling the person that is waiting for you that they aren't worth you time. Drives me up a wall!!

 

I try to be 15 minutes early for everything, but occasionally things cannot be avoided and you end up being late. I try to adopt the "Is this going to matter in a week,in a month, in a year?" philosophy, and if the answer is no, I just drop it and get over it. No benefit comes from bashing yourself for something that is out of your control.

 

I'm glad you were able to reschedule, and it sounds like the instructor wasn't upset about it either. Like I said, in the grander scheme of things... not a big deal. Just look forward to the next appointment and make sure you don't use Mapquest!!

[metrogirl]

Don't even get me started about MapQuest. It LIES!!! I've found Google maps to be much better.

 

Oooh yes it does!!

 

That is how I got lost going to San Manuel casino.

 

Ren, these things happen and if all the forces were working against you yesterday, then it probably wasn't meant for you to dive at that time.

[renaissancewoman101]

Thanks for all the reassurances. I am better today. I will call the dive place later this morning and reschedule. The dive guy was not upset, which was good. I think I was more upset about it though, mainly because I had kinda look forward to it, plus it really burns my butt when I am late to things. I am like this even when I go get my haircut. I've been late for that and had to reschedule. Most times the stylist and the salon people are pretty understanding because I live far away and still manage to go there to get my hair done, when I am in town (I've also been a client there for many years).

 

I didn't do a test drive there because the area was not far from me, and didn't seem like it would be hard to find. I also gave myself enough time (I thought). I studied the map again yesterday and know where it is now. Next time I will give myself an hour.

 

Shortpants, "T" is like your boss. He is always late to things (hair appts, dental, etc), and he manages to piss people off because of that. He tends to leave for the appt like at the very last minute, or even at the time of the appt. I always tell him that is rude and inconsiderate.

 

MG, and yes Mapquest is a PAIN. I needs to get a GPS system. I will take BellaDonna's advice and try Google Maps next time.

[Shortpants]

I still use Maquest for directions to sites for the techs at work, but will say that we have run into issues with the directions more than once. One set of directions sent a guy up over a mountian on a road that was meant for 4-wheeling, NOT for normal vehicle travel, like two skinny strips of dirt with grass growing up in the middle. Or another time the road didn't even exist anymore. Oooops!

 

Although I will say Google Maps directions cracked me up when there was that joke floating around that if you plugged in New York, NY in the "from" field and London, England in the "to" field, there was one step of the directions that actually said:

23. Swim accross the Atlantic Ocean 3,462 mi

 

 

hehe Always take internet directions with a grain of salt...

[renaissancewoman101]

True.

 

I haven't rescheduled the dive thing again. I called this morning but he was busy so I left a msg. He called me back within 1/2 hr but I was on the phone with my doctor (who had returned my call from a day ago), but he didn't leave a msg.

 

Oh well. I will try again Monday. This is annoying but that's life.

 

Sometimes I feel like the annoying one.

[DaBladeRoden]

Mapquest print outs are annoying to read while driving, especially at night. I do recommend a GPS, they will remind you the entire trip just how late you are

[renaissancewoman101]

I'm a little annoyed now.

 

I called the next day to try to set up the dive thing again. He was busy with a customer, so I left a msg. I then got a call from my doc (who was returning a call about a health issues). In the middle of the conversation, I guess the dive guy returned my call. He didn't leave a msg.

 

I tried calling again in the late afternoon and then today. He still has NOT returned my call to reset up the dive thing.

 

I wonder if they don't want my business. That's fine. To me, if I like the dive, I probably would pay the money to get certified, because it is interesting.

 

One thing I do NOT like is bad customer service. That WILL turn me off.

[stella74]

Ren - from reading lots of threads of yours, I think you're hard on yourself because your parents were hard on you, especially your mother. T is hard on you too. You feel judged a lot and judge yourself, and then sometimes you judge others.

 

I just posted a thread on recovering from codependency. It might benefit you to read it. I think a lot of the patterns of codependency apply to you.

Specifically, in terms of this thread, one of the patterns is:

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”

 

 

The way to recover from this pattern is to try to accept yourself as you are, as best as you can. Accept you're not perfect, and accept that no one expects you to be. I definitely think you're much better than you used to be!

[renaissancewoman101]

thanks. I will take a look.

 

I do think I have some codependent tendencies.

 

I am also A LOT harder on myself than others are on me, mainly because my was and still is hard on me about stuff that are out of my control, and T is the same way.