My boyfriend and his ex

[ash13]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now and i love him very much. A constant problem in our relationship is his ex girlfriend. When we first became friends he was with her for a couple months then they broke up and i started dating him about eight months later.In the beginning of our relationship i over heard a voicemail saying that she loved him but he said thats just what him and his friends do.

 

Over the course of our relationship i have told hm that i am uncomfortable with him being friends with her and i asked that they stopped talking. However, this would only last for a couple months and he would make me feel bad about not allowing him to be friends with someone and i would let them talk again. The last time I said this i told him its her or me. He could only have one of us so he chose me. Recently i found out he was texting her and he was sharing details about our relationship he hasnt even told me yet. I did not want him to lie to me if he felt he had to talk to her so once again i allowed them.

 

I truly love my boyfriend and do not want to lose him but i dont know what to do. We have had a lot of good times and he is very important to me it just sometimes seems as though he chooses her over me. is it normal to be friends with exes? any advice would be much appreciated

 

 

 

 

****he told his ex that him and myself wouldnt be together at this time next month (this was well over a month ago) i didnt even know he was considering that and to me i thought our relationship was going great. He told her that i make him feel unappreciated. when i found these messages he told me he just said those things because he was mad at the time

[pumpkinmoon]

Many people are friends with ex's but in my opinion it isn't worth the hassle.

 

What details about your relationship was he sharing with her before even telling you?

[teabee]

I'm sure he didn't appreciate the ultimatum if he considers her a friend. You may have done yourself a disservice by making him choose because 1. he will resent you for that and 2. he didn't even stick to your orders, just continued talking to her in secret. Yes, I'm curious what details he was sharing about your relationship?

[SocialStigma]

One of my exes is my best friend. However, we were also best friends for 3 years before we even dated so it was very very hard to cut him out of my life afterwards.

[ash13]

he told her that him and myself wouldnt be together at this time next month (this was well over a month ago) i didnt even know he was considering that and to me i thought our relationship was going great. He told her that i make him feel unappreciated. when i found these messages he told me he just said those things because he was mad at the time

[DN]

You have said up a false alternative by making him choose between his ex and you. He is with you as a romantic partner and she is a friend. Unless you are quite sure they would want to get back together you are not acting wisely.

[Unknown1607307972]

Personally I find his behaviour a bit weird. I mean some people are friends with exes, I myself don't think it's a good idea to keep in touch unless you have children or it was never serious but whatever. People rule their own lives. Being friends with an ex is one thing, but being friends with an ex an sharing details about your relationship before your partner even knows this stuff yet is crossing a line. Especially when it's bad things about you such as doubts over the relationship!

 

I wouldn't trust him. Sure people share stuff with their friends but an ex will never be just like any other friend again. You may have no feelings for eachother but the fact that you guys were once intimate in that way will always be there. Therefore you have to be extra careful with your boundries so not to make your current partner paranoid and sharing such information is inappropriate for sure!

 

Can you really trust him if he goes behind your back like that? He seems adamant that he wants his ex in his life, and if you don't want to accept that then you should leave. I wouldn't accept it because that is how I am, but trying to sever their ties is futile if he doesn't want them severed. If it makes you unhappy, you should leave him and find someone who doesn't keep his ex so close. I know it's hard, but if this is going to keep eating away at you then it's not exactly going to do you any good staying in this relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree with this. I also think that he was playing your relationship down to her, trying to make it seem less serious. I really think that if she came to him and wanted to give it another shot, he would take her offer.

[ash13]

I agree with this. I also think that he was playing your relationship down to her, trying to make it seem less serious. I really think that if she came to him and wanted to give it another shot, he would take her offer.

 

he broke up with her in the first place

[pumpkinmoon]

he broke up with her in the first place

 

Are you certain about that? He may just be saying that to you.

[woodc5]

Forbidding him from talking to her isn't going to make him stop talking to her. As you've already started to see, it's just going to make him be sneakier about it and start to develop ill feelings towards you for trying to control it.

[DN]

I would not assume from his actions that he wants to get back with her unless you have much stronger evidence.

[Siriana]

 

****he told his ex that him and myself wouldnt be together at this time next month (this was well over a month ago) i didnt even know he was considering that and to me i thought our relationship was going great. He told her that i make him feel unappreciated. when i found these messages he told me he just said those things because he was mad at the time

 

I was ready to say that you're overreacting until I've read this last part. I guess you are not feeling safe with him. i don't think it's possible to write such a msg just because you're upset at your partner.

I am curious whether he really likes you as much as you like him.

 

But when it comes to the friendship - making such ultimatums is a bad idea. If someone told that to me I would opt for a friendship, not because I value friendship more, but because I despise when someone tries to limit my freedom.

[faithful14]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with an ex- as long as both people don't have any more romantic feelings for one another. Your boyfriend seems keen on maintaining a relationship with her but the fact that he shares intimate details of your relationship with her and that he tries to talk to her in secret is alarming to me.

[kaoticbaby]

i can see both sides of this argument so i don't know if i can really give advice. i can, however, give some reassurance i think.

 

i personally love my ex........as a friend. and only a friend. even the thought of him looking/touching/acting towards me romantically makes me feel uncomfortable. he was my first love, we did share many happy and passionate memories like another poster mentioned. but while those memories are happy ones, when i think of them i feel zero emotional attachment to them...meaning, i don't think of them nostalgically. if something were to remind me of one of those times, i may muse over them for a second, remembering...but remembering them the way i would remember a nice day with a friend. if anything, i think my boyfriend should have more to worry about if i would strike up a new friendship with a guy i had just met rather than one with my ex (not that i would ever do anything, but i think he should take some comfort in the fact that i feel about my ex the way i would about a cousin or other relative at this point.)

 

i guess what i'm trying to illustrate is that not everybody who is friends with their ex is such because of romantic interest or lingering feelings. so just the fact that he is friends with her alone shouldn't set off the alarm bells.

 

but there are questions you could ask yourself: is his defense of her unwavering, or will he listen to your side and your feelings without immediately jumping on her side? have you met her and, if you have, was she kind to you? did you get the feeling that she harbored any ill-feelings toward you? my ex and my boyfriend haven't met, but i wouldn't feel uncomfortable if we ran into a situation where they were both present nor would i object if one wanted to meet the other (luckily they don't care enough about each other to, and i don't hang out with my ex anyway, we only talk periodically.) if i were to hang out with my ex, i would do so in a social group and never one-on-one...i may have no feelings for him or vice-versa, but i do have respect for my boyfriend. i think that is pushing things too far, personally. if they were to meet, however, i would introduce them quite comfortably and i know that my ex would be willing to get to know him, genuinely, and harbor no hostility toward him.

 

if you feel that this has not been, or would not be, the case for you then perhaps your gut-instinct is right about you not being able to trust her. does that mean you had the right to tell him not to talk to her? i think it would have been wiser to ask him to arrange a group-outting for the 3 of you (including others as well, ideally) before you resorted to this measure. there is some truth about the saying "keep your enemies close" and if somebody likes you, or at least familiar with you and friendly, they are extremely less likely to go behind your back and hurt you. if your boyfriend refused or could not understand why you would want this, then i think you should think more about your relationship with him than with his relationship with her: will forbidding him from talking to her really lessen his attraction or feelings, if any, for her? most likely not, and if the case is that he has any feelings for her or would like a reconciliation with her, then nothing you can do can stop it, really, and you should ask yourself if you really want to settle for second best in your relationship anyway...i think you see where i'm going.

 

sorry for such a long-winded response.

[Unknown1607307972]

 

i guess what i'm trying to illustrate is that not everybody who is friends with their ex is such because of romantic interest or lingering feelings. so just the fact that he is friends with her alone shouldn't set off the alarm bells.

 

 

Fair enough, I agree some people are genuinely just friends.

 

It's just not everybody is confident enough to surpress the paranoia. I for example wouldn't be with a guy who was friends with his ex. I wouldn't try and stop them being friends, I would simply just leave myself before it got too serious. The reason for this is that I just dislike picturing my boyfriend with someone else and knowing that person was still in their lives would make me paranoid and give me images...to me, the past should stay in the past.

 

But of course not everyone is like me. I just think that with an ex, you need to be a bit more cautious on how you treat this friendship to your new partner so not to trigger off bad feelings. If you're best friends, fine, as long as your current partner is cool with it too. But to go to your ex and * * * * * about your current relationship feels odd to me