Is this it then?

[kombatarts99]

I'm confused and hope I can get some advice. Been together 8 years, married 5 but have been seperated for a month. She had a brief relationship with a woman for the last 3 months. We still live together and I am saving money to move, although I have told her to move. We both own the house and both won't budge. I have tried to go NC as much as I can, but we live together and it's hard. Last night she asks me to dinner and explains that she is not sure im the one for her. That she wants someone who likes to go out and be the life of the party, brings out her personality and is really good looking. I said how did you fall in love with me then. she said I dont know. iwas young(she was 24 me 31) that I was her first relationship, first sex partner, and that she settled. So my questions are why did she settle? Why would someone marry you if they were settleing? Can you settle and still love that person? And why now after almost 5 years of marriage would you realize you settled? I asked her these questions and all I got was an I don't know.

 

Hopefully all of you can help me with some answers so I can move on

[FootofGod]

She doesn't know, take her word for it. She's terribly confused and even looking back at her past is distorted in the frame of mind she's in. She values someone who's the life of the party and looks more than love, so let her go. That is extremely childish. No doubt she's going to regret it when she figures out there's nothing to those things and is left empty, but you have to let people make mistakes and learn on their own.

[Radeon]

If you were truly her first love, and the man she gave her virginity to, I can honestly say that yes, we tend to be infatuated with our firsts, and we do essentially settle. Why? Because we don't know any better. We don't know what it's like to be loved by someone who truly appreciates us and truly loves us back the way we love them. No, Im not saying that you don't love her and dont appreciate her, but only she can say what she's feeling.

 

I was committed to my first for three years of my life, and I thought it was the strongest most amazing relationship ever. We were so broken and I didn't even know it. She broke up with me to be with someone else and has regretted it. All it did was show me how little she really cared about me.

 

By the same token however, I must add that since you were her first, chances are she's gotten comfortable in the relationship and that she wants to see what's out there. She wants to answer her urges to experience what else is out there. She's in a new relationship, and the honeymoon phase is currently in effect. Give it about three months, and I guarantee it's not going to be so hot in the end.

[kombatarts99]

I was thinking along the same lines, but need validation in what im thinking. She was very religious when I met her and she waited to have sex with me until we were married. Now she is making all these bad choices and when I say what happened to your beliefs she says we'll I can't take my virginity back.

[Radeon]

I know this is going to be hard to hear, because I'm currently going through the same thing myself. You see it, but you don't want to admit it.

 

but the person you fell in love with is slipping away slowly. You've probably noticed that you don't even recognize her anymore (in the way that she acts). She's going through a transitional phase in her life, for whatever reason it might be, and she's lost and confused. She's going to make a LOT of bad decisions, starting with you, and god only knows where it will end.

[kombatarts99]

So confusing. She makes statements to make me think she still sees a future with us. Last night said" i know I fded up and made mistakes and have alot of soul searching to do to find out what I want and need" I told her she needs to make amends with me if we are ever going to have a relationship again. and every time i try to distance myself she says things to keep me back in. so frustrating. i don't know how to handle this. never been in this situation. I need to work on myself but don't want to alienate her and ruin a possible reunion. So how do I move forward without alienating her?

[Radeon]

I know this sucks, but you're number 2.

 

Notice how she keeps roping you in every time she thinks she's losing you? She wants to keep you there in limbo until she's done playing around, and can make a clear decision. Don't let anyone have that power over you, you deserve so much more than that. There's nothing you can do right now until you have enough money to move, and when you do, just disappear from her life and work on living your life without her. She'll realize what she's lost one day, and by that time you'll be so happy by yourself that you'll be strong enough to tell her no.

[kombatarts99]

I know this sucks, but you're number 2.

 

Notice how she keeps roping you in every time she thinks she's losing you? She wants to keep you there in limbo until she's done playing around, and can make a clear decision. Don't let anyone have that power over you, you deserve so much more than that. There's nothing you can do right now until you have enough money to move, and when you do, just disappear from her life and work on living your life without her. She'll realize what she's lost one day, and by that time you'll be so happy by yourself that you'll be strong enough to tell her no.

 

Yea she's kinda got me by the balz. I'm trying to move forward but it's hard knowing she is in the same place. Ive met someone else who is great but afraid I cannot give all I've got in my current situation. Don't know wether to move forward in that relationship or end it.