Marraige & Your Dreams

[matius]

I am extremely driven in my work. My aim is the upper echelon of that.

 

I met a girl I love but I have a massive wall. That wall has caused so many issues that the relationship fell because I am absolutely terrified of not being able to achieve my goals in part to being trapped in a family situation.

 

I know there's always a chance the dreams don't come true but it's about pursuing & then reaching to me... I have to pursue it.

 

Is it one or the other? Or am I not thinking about it right? I think if I split the seas I could get her back.

[amsterdam]

My question is, why do you want to get her back? It sounds like your priority is work and that goes above having a family.

[jraf]

I agree with amsterdam. If your #1 goal is to excel in your career, any close relationship in your life will be a problem. It will either take the energy away from your goal, or it will suffer because you don't put any energy into the relationship.

[matius]

My question is, why do you want to get her back? It sounds like your priority is work and that goes above having a family.

 

You mean besides no companionship & someone cool to chill wiff?

[Capricorn3]

You mean besides no companionship & someone cool to chill wiff?

It seems you are so driven in your goals/work that you wouldn't have time to chill with anyone anyway and probably the reason your relationship ended in the first place.

[matius]

It seems you are so driven in your goals/work that you wouldn't have time to chill with anyone anyway and probably the reason your relationship ended in the first place.

 

It is true. Alas, as much as it breaks me up I can't see how it's fair to her. Maybe it is just that - a sacrifice. Nobody said it'd be easy...

[amsterdam]

If you want companionship, it can't be all one-sided. You can't expect someone to have everything on your terms, whenever you can get away from work, etc.

[matius]

If you want companionship, it can't be all one-sided. You can't expect someone to have everything on your terms, whenever you can get away from work, etc.

 

Right, no I definitely understand. I wish my emotions would catch up with that game plan though - for sure.

[Capricorn3]

I would suggest you reach your goals and where you want to get to and when you're there, then you can think about a relationship.

[amsterdam]

My sister-in-law jokes that everyone should be required by law to go through therapy, unless they can "test out" of it. Of course, the joke being that most people would benefit from therapy.

 

Maybe you could do some soul searching to find out what you really want in life, what would be truly fulfilling, what your long-term goals are. and if you think you're a workaholic then there are books about that too! I would suggest a book called Margin by Richard Swenson (this is a Christian book about refocusing your busy life).

[matius]

Right, but how do you know what's truly fulfilling until you get there. I mean, I know what I'm working on could fulfill me in some ways ... maybe not every. Maybe in every who knows. But it's also nice to think about a love.

 

The way my mind is honestly I'm moving in the direction Capricorn3 is talking. I'm at the age (in my early thirties) that I really need to give it everything I have & try... take my chances.

[mandellin]

I think it depends on your goals. If you are for instance wanting to finish college,obtain a law degree,and have a great internship - then wonderful.

 

If it is something that is a little less likely - like becoming the next biggest rap star or american idol - then you had better think twice about whether or not you will want a family in your life.

 

I mean it is kinda like Obama said...It is great that there are people out there who want to be rap stars...and some succeed - but the majority don't - so get your education and a family and kids if that is for you. If not - please don't waste this wonderful woman's life stringing her along.

[matius]

It is great that there are people out there who want to be rap stars...and some succeed - but the majority don't - so get your education and a family and kids if that is for you. If not - please don't waste this wonderful woman's life stringing her along.

 

Obama said that ... ?

 

I agree with the idea... I do. She did right to go look for what she needs - when you're in the game though it's hard to remember what it is you're doing though.

 

On the flip side I think more often than not people quit on their dreams because the world tells them how unlikely it is. I just keep thinking I could never forgive myself for stopping... what if I had just tried... that kind of thing. And I didn't think I was a gamblin' man.

[mandellin]

Well yes Obama said that - my paraphrasing of course and his statement said nothing about stringing a woman along.

 

He said it in the speech that he gave to the children in schools that was mandatory that they watch.

 

Well, follow your heart but don't be surprised if you have regrets later on. You may not have any but it seems like you care for her - so I think you may eventually chalk this up to regret.

[matius]

mandellin - she isn't perfect but she'd do. as i understand it there's not a whole lot of perfect going on out there. but as it's said, it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.

[Timbertea]

I tend to agree with the Biblical view on this. The cliff notes of the Biblical view are: (Outside of God) Your wife comes before everything else. That includes: Your kids, your parents, your career, friends, favorite sports team, what have you.

 

If something else is your priority, don't pursue her -- pursue that. While you might be successful in getting her, if you do, and don't succeed in your career priority you will always resent it. Plus she'll still never be first in your life until you change your priorities around to put her first, and she will resent it eventually too.

[citymouse]

she isn't perfect but she'd do.

 

 

 

On behalf of women everywhere, please don't contact her or try to sweet talk her into picking up where you left off.

 

If you DO reach out, at the very least let her know up front that you think "she isn't perfect but she'd do."

 

Yea gods. (shudder)

[matius]

On behalf of women everywhere, please don't contact her or try to sweet talk her into picking up where you left off.

 

If you DO reach out, at the very least let her know up front that you think "she isn't perfect but she'd do."

 

Yea gods. (shudder)

 

For the record, I meant that sort of like Paul McCartney singing "Hey Jude"... you know the tune... didn't mean it like that (well maybe now that we're over I actually do) but you see what I mean.

 

It ended & she was quite cruel in the end- I may have been selfish for holding on but never cruel... it's tough to make sacrifices when you're in the game. I'm human & have needs just the same but - what can ya do.

 

I like what Timbertea said...

[april15]

I also like and agree with what Timbertea said. Go for your dream, stay true to yourself and others. If you find yourself seeing a woman more than 4 or 5 times lay out what you've said here. Let them clearly know where your heart is now so they will not have regret either and maybe some cruelty can be avoided.

[Scott12]

I am extremely driven in my work. My aim is the upper echelon of that.

 

I met a girl I love but I have a massive wall. That wall has caused so many issues that the relationship fell because I am absolutely terrified of not being able to achieve my goals in part to being trapped in a family situation.

 

Matius,

 

I've always taken statements like "I'm so driven to achieve my goals that I don't have time for other things I want, like a wife and/or family" with a grain of salt. Plenty of people have managed to reach the highest echelons of their professions while finding time to meet a wife and raise a family, like Presidents of the U.S., Supreme Court justices, most professional sports players, etc., etc.

 

Personally, I think you should rephrase the paragraph I quoted to reflect what is probably the truth, which would be "I met a girl I love but I have a massive wall. That wall has caused so many issues that the relationship fell because I am absolutely terrified of...being trapped in a family situation", which is a perfectly valid way to feel. If you don't want a relationship, or you just want someone to hang out with and that's it, then it's okay to say that. Just be prepared for most women to move on sooner or later.

 

Scott