To get ex back, I should NOT have done NC so soon

[fuddiduddy]

I've made it no secret here that I'd do anything to get my ex back. I still want him back. And as unhealthy and as unrealistic as I know it is, I own this free and clear. [somewhere in my wrecked brain I realize there's NOTHING one can do to change the mind of their ex. But still... *sigh*]

 

We're in NC, but not because of the goal of healing myself and moving on (as it should be, but for me, stupidly, it's not). Half of the reason for NC was due to my being rude to him during our last text exchange to the point that he angrily told me to never text or call him again (he's very sensitive). So after apologizing, I complied and we haven't spoken since. The other reason is that I wanted to avoid coming off as the insecure "psycho ex" and risk losing his respect. So now we've been in NC for over a month.

 

And now, with this NC, I'm sure he's in the "indifferent" phase which we all know is a reconciliation killer--a sheer catastrophe, really. I believe I could have prevented this via the following steps:

 

1) I should've continued to contact him every few days for a few weeks instead of NC, just to keep myself in his conscience. While I'm certain he would've ignored all my attempts, he would not have been able to forget about me as I'm sure he has by now; out of sight, out of mind you know. I'm in NYC, he's in Philadelphia so I'm DEFINITELY not on his radar at all anymore and this sucks. Badly. :sad:

 

2) At the same time, I should've communicated occasionally with his best friend; his BFF (a true sweetheart) liked me a lot and I'm sure I couldve reinforced a pinch of influence on my behalf. If anything, it would've certainly kept my name in conversation between the two of them.

 

3) Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of the above, I should've just suddenly STOPPED cold, and then went into total NC. I know from experience that when a pursuer suddenly falls off the face of the earth, the pursued party mysteriously "misses" his/her annoying efforts. You've emblazoned some kind of endearing memory onto their brain. Furthermore, I really believe they're somewhat flattered, knowing that someone (i.e., the dumpee, provided that dumpee is otherwise sane) is giving them so much attention.

 

Has anyone behaved like this before? What were the results? I just wish I could redo my post-breakup behavior all over again. Comments?

 

As it stands now, I think I've lost him for good.

[britomart]

I've been wondering whether my ex is indifferent or not too, after 50 days of NC on my part. Who knows right?

 

I can't say myself which is best since my own emotions a rather complicated right now, but you will probably get a lot of "sticking to NC is the best thing" opinions.

 

You are speaking from hindsight now...but would you have been able to deal with sending a text every few days and not getting any kind of response? As I recall, what happened was that you asked after him and when he didn't reply in a timely fashion the situation escalated.

[playedhurt]

You are little bit a head of the break up cycle than I am, so unfortunately I can't offer you any advice at this point.....but you have helped me. I feel the same way you do and for the same reasons you do. I love him and want him back and no contact STICKS. I think I will start off with phoning once a week just to stay on the radar. I will let you know how it turns out.

[FootofGod]

It's not a game. If you're still thinking like this, you're not ready to have him back. Move on. When you have, there will be a lifetime to get him back, or for him to get you back. This is not a game and you could not have "won" by doing things differently.

[fuddiduddy]

Ahhh yes Britomart.

 

You are so right. This is all useless hindsight I guess. I was nowhere in this mindset then. Yeah, the very reason for my rude text was the fact that I got the impression he was deliberately trying to play phone tag games (and looking back, I believe he was, regardless of him claiming otherwise). My emotions got the best of me and, truth be told, I don't even think I owed him an apology. All moot now.

 

I can't believe how difficult these circumstances are. It's just too hard to accept that they've turned ice cold post-breakup and simply doesn't care about us one iota (i.e., if they ever did).

 

I don't understand and my brain is so stubborn to the point that it seems impossible to move on without getting any answers.

 

I can't wait to see my therapist Wednesday.

[britomart]

Eh, I don't think hindsight is useless...it just means that we are in a different frame of mind now and hopefully we can apply it to future situations?

 

All those who are emotionally confused, raised your hand.

 

/me raises hand

 

Yeah, ignoring hurts. A LOT. Sure, NC isn't about games, but by nature we wonder and hope. If you ask me, apologizing was the best thing you could have done, whether you think you owe it or not. Always take the high road is my mantra.

 

The longer you take to work on yourself, the better position you will be in in the future.

[fuddiduddy]

It's not a game. If you're still thinking like this, you're not ready to have him back. Move on. When you have, there will be a lifetime to get him back, or for him to get you back. This is not a game and you could not have "won" by doing things differently.

 

While I appreciate your wisdom, I no longer share this noble thinking as I once did.

 

Everything's a game in life. And matters of the heart is really, really a game. This, whether we like like it or not or whether we choose to term it as such or not.

 

Unfortunately, those of us who happily think otherwise will lose and will subsequently be found posting on ENA.

[lavenderdove]

Having a 'plan' like this makes you feel like you're in control and if you follow these steps he will come back.

 

The truth is, he will only come back if he WANTS to come back not because you have some manipulative plan. You could stand on your head and offer him a million dollars and he won't come back if he doesn't want to.

 

So you're giving yourself the illusion of control here when really it has no bearing whatsoever on what he wants or what he's got going on in his head.

 

Also remember that no one will forget you ever if they love you enough and want to come back, regardless of how long it's been since they hear from you.

 

There is nothing wrong with your plan if you feel like following it EXCEPT that it gives you the false illusion that such a plan will mean he'll come back and hence you're in for a bigger disappointment down the road if he doesn't. But there is no harm in doing this other than to yourself, and possibly if he really wants to be left alone now and you irritate him more.

 

So do what is right for you, but don't assume there is any kind of magical strategy that will make someone come back. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't.

 

I advocate doing what you feel comfortable with BUT making sure to not obsess about the ex by using thought stopping (google it) and getting on with your life and meeting new people and dating them a few months after the breakup. If he comes back, fine, if not, you haven't isolated yourself and wasted a lot of time pining for someone who doesn't want you anymore.

[Hermes]

The truth is, he will only come back if he WANTS to come back not because you have some manipulative plan. You could stand on your head and offer him a million dollars and he won't come back if he doesn't want to.

 

What Lavender says. This is the plain truth.

 

H

[fuddiduddy]

Thanks everyone for talking some sense into me and reinforcing the cold hard truth:

 

That there is literally NOTHING I can do to change his mind. Best for me to focus on healing.

[uncomfynumb]

Thanks everyone for talking some sense into me and reinforcing the cold hard truth:

 

That there is literally NOTHING I can do to change his mind. Best for me to focus on healing.

 

You're right. Use thought stopping so that you are not expending energy thinking about should of, would have, could have.

 

Btw, I thought you were going to have a funeral for your ex and bury his butt. Remember that?

[jimmajam]

I can't say more than what lavender said here. I have been broken up with my ex for 9 months now and everything she said is true. Early on I had my plans of getting my ex back and it gave me a lot of confidence, I had no doubt within 2-3 months we'd find our way back together. Ya know what? It never happened. We even ended on fairly decent terms. Now it's been 9 months, I've lost all hope of getting her back and again, everything lavender said is true. She isn't coming back unless she really loved me, never forgot me and by chance WANTS to come back and try to work things out. As you can tell by how loose that statement is you cannot wait for it to happen.

 

I truly, honestly believe NOTHING we do will get them back for a meaningful amount of time. If you play this "game" and you "win", more than likely you still won't be satisfied. Either something will have changed, you didn't change and learn or they will leave again after a short term because THEY didn't truly want to be back. Whether you keep in contact, go no contact, talk from time to time - whatever, none of it matters. Everything is two sided and BOTH sides have just as much power to take action for either way of things going.

 

This is why you hear stories of people getting back together quickly, people losing contact and getting back together a year or two down the line and even people remaining friends and things forming again.

[jenna-is-here]

Yeah, I am a very strategic person. I played the get back together game. I actually did get my bf back. We spent an additional 1.5 years (on top of the 2.5) we were together.

 

It ended with him saying, I should never have gotten back together with you back when we broke up (and I was thinking, I should never have played the get you back game). It was a complete waste of time.

 

I say let them go (easier said than done), if they come back on their own, you know it is real.

[hater13]

this reminds me of that quote from swingers

 

"But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back"

 

 

Now let's replace her with him LOL

[fuddiduddy]

this reminds me of that quote from swingers

 

"But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back"

 

 

Now let's replace her with him LOL

 

LOL...I like that. I like that a lot. BTW, I really need to get that movie (as well as the Sarah Marshall movie).

 

 

Uncomfynumb,

 

Haha, the "funeral" I had of our relationship (which I still think was a good idea) was effective for me for all of 3 days. And then my ever-stubborn heart, in collaboration with my ever-ticking brain, conspired together to "raise him from the dead" and torment me with thoughts of "what ifs". Day and night. So while I'm still trying to keep busy, I'm still tormenting myself with thoughts of him all the time, whether I'm on the subway, in a taxi or on a treadmill.

 

I tell ya. I had a 12-yr relationship where that breakup wasn't nearly as painful and as difficult as my breakup from this short rship (which lasted less than a year). The promise of the long-term happiness of us, the apparent intensity of our love, the suddenness of the breakup, and the rather bizarre circumstances causing the breakup have really knocked me for an extreme loop this time around.

 

Lord give me strength.

[uncomfynumb]

So your ex is a zombie now huh? LOL! You are funny!

 

Try picturing like that, rotten flesh hanging off his face and bad teeth.

[paulod]

yikes fuddiduddy!!!! you have an ex that's a zombie lol!!!