Time to move past the ghost

[StrangeFellow]

Good morning internet,

 

My name is Adam, I am turning 21 in a few months, and have quite a bit on my mind. I live with my ever loving parents yet lead a mediocre life at best, pathetic would be a better descriptor.

 

I must preface this post with the inevitable fact that it will become a novel. If you are short of patience I care not if you read this, but to those of you who do, and especially those of you who respond, I will be grateful. I must also note that I am at a considerable level of inhebriation right now. This is mearly a vent, though I will appreciate any input into my situation.

 

It may have started as a rebound relationship, I still am not sure. I have always had interpersonal issues. But I came to love someone who I thought was the most wonderful person I could ever hope for. She was the most beautiful, intelligent, caring and understanding person I knew who had ever taken the time to get close to me. This was a high school relationship, but not a shallow one. We had our differences, I had drug problems, her daddy issues. We supported eachother for what seemed years, but was likely only 2 or 3 months. My perception of that time is vauge at best. I fell deeper into a hole in my life, and tried to kill myself; yet I could not. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded.

 

She came to a rescue of sorts with my oldest friend, there where many tears shed. Later I lost my job due to attendance, and fell ever deeper down. I bargained my way back into my minimum slave wage job and slowly things seemed to work out. The summer went by, I squeezed my way through my senior year of high school by the thread of my trousers and graduated. Now was supposed to be the prime of my life. We become distant.

 

My birthday party rolls around, which is shared with a friend a few dates away. My girlfriend barely talks to me, nor I to her; eventhough we are yards away at best the entire night. She's fooling around with some boy she'd met the week before. This relationship lasted a mere 8 months, but was the only true relationship I've had.

 

Next day, day before my birthdate, things end. I don't blame her, I was a horrible boyfriend. I was too wrapped up in my sorrow to see what I was doing to her. All my fault here. Day after my birthday, her status on myspace or facebook changes from single to in a relationship. For the sake of conversation we'll call him 'Steve,'

 

That was one and three quarters years ago. At more than one point he had hurt her enough for her to come back to me. I refused, trying to move on. I lived from temporary job to temporary job, trying to find a place I fit, but nothing did. I cannot find my place, nor passion. The few things I have which are great, but for some reason are not enough to me are a wonderful, loving set of parents, a decent grasp on computers and a way with the english language that people say is amazing. I find it merely decent.

 

Now, about a week, or two weeks ago (time is playing tricks on me). Steven dumped my only true love. She asked me to chill with her and friends of mine/hers. Checking facebook I noticed sorrow in her posts. Foolishly I figured maybe I could do something about my expanding lonliness and sorrow. We drank, talked, and held eachother. I came to find out how Steven had treated her. Excluding her from most activities with is friends who hated her, cheating, and even hitting her.

 

I believe we both said things that should not have been said. We talked for hours and eventually made love. As night turned into day left eachother's embrace to find what the next day would find. Evedently he felt 'sorry' for what he had done to her again, forgave her for our encounter, and like that they where one again. She hence wants to continue with me as friends.

 

Now here I am, a week or two later in a similar pit I had been in years ago. Drinking to find what little sleep I can, wailing into the indifference of a pillow and trying to sort myself out all over again. I think I know what must be done now. I will call her later today and see if I can arrange for us to get coffee after she's off work. There I will tell her what this catastrophe is doing to me, hand her a copy of a poem I have been writing during the past weeks, and tell her that a friendship is not possible. I will state that she should not contact me unless there is an emergency and no one else can help her.

 

It is time to totally move on and see what I can do to revive the corpse of my life, and perhaps one day trust someone the way I have trusted her. Unless she can show me that her and Steve are over and she's past it I don't want anything to do with her. I am unsure whether I want anything to do with her at all any other way either.

 

Thank you for reading this, I do appreciate your time. Please do not make the same mistakes I have.

 

Now to conclude the poem

 

--

StrangeFellow,

Adam

[blahdeblah]

It must take a great amount of courage to move on from someone who you have loved that much. But from what I can see, it's what you need to do, she seems to be messing you around and you deserve better. If she wants you back, make her prove it, don't settle for second best. Good luck with everything, you will become a lot happier I promise

[StrangeFellow]

Thank you blahdeblah, I appreciate your support.