konstantine Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together officially for about 3 years. We love each other very much, and for the most part we have tons of fun together and he is my best friend. I recently graduated from school and am getting ready to begin my career. I have started to think a lot lately about my future and where it is going. He and I have talked about marriage and kids together somewhat in passing. I know for a fact that he wants to move in with me, but I don’t really want to move in with someone unless we are planning on marrying in the near future. But we have never really had a full on conversation about these issues and what our intentions are exactly. I know that he does want to get married, and he does want children, but I find it a little strange at this point that I don’t know exactly what he plans on happening in the future. Last night I tried to ask him about it more directly. He sort of gave me short answers and threw in a couple jokes. I got somewhat upset because I was trying to have a mature conversation and get some answers and it seemed like he was avoiding it. At this point, he started to get a bit angry with me. I can’t really understand why he was mad at me for asking. He said “You know that I want to marry you but I don’t have the money yet. I tell you this all the time!” In reality, I don’t think he has ever told me that directly. I guess he’s upset because any time he realizes he can’t do what he wants financially, it is a blow to his ego, which is why he diverts by joking. But I just want to have a mature adult conversation about his plans, and stop speaking only in “somedays”. Is this too much to ask? How can we talk about these things without it seeming like I expect him to buy me a ring tomorrow and rush me down the aisle? Because I truly don’t expect that at all. I would just like… I don’t know, direction? I want to know where he expects this long-term relationship to go. Or should I just accept what he has told me thus far and let it go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JusticeLaw9 Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I think it's very mature of you to consider those things now as opposed to later on down the road. Sounds like it may take some time to get on the same sheet of music with your boyfriend, but perhaps not too much trouble as you're already happily involved. Some set a time-table for things, other's don't. Ultimately you have to be the one to decide upon that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SocialStigma Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 Since he is trying to blow off the subject, I don't think he's ready yet. If you push him to talk about it seriously, this may push him away and make him feel like you're pressuring him but on the other hand, it's also unfair to you to have no idea if he intends to marry you in the near future. Have you guys never talked about the future timeline-wise? Like nothing concrete, but "I think marriage around 25-27, kids around 30 sounds nice" etc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JusticeLaw9 Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I wouldn't give a particular age for marriage and children, life has a funny way of showing the middle-finger to us when we put the age limit on things. Instead I would bring up that you want to move to the next level; he knows what that means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 i think you just need to have an honest conversation with him about where he sees you in the future. you've been together for 3 years, that is a while. you deserve straightforward answers at this point. because you've just graduated and are starting your adult life, you should know if you're going to be with him, or if you are not and can focus on career opportunities elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konstantine Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 Have you guys never talked about the future timeline-wise? Like nothing concrete, but "I think marriage around 25-27, kids around 30 sounds nice" etc? No, which is EXACTLY what I'm looking for. I'm not trying to get him to say "I am going to buy a ring and propose to you in 2 weeks." I just want to know his timeline! When we have talked casually he has said he thinks he could be ready for marriage now if it wasn't for the money. But I mean, that's still so vague. I just want to know what he thinks is appropriate without his getting upset when I just want to talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astromantic Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I know exactly how you feel! I haven't dated my boyfriend as long as you have but we are a little older and have been in our respective careers for a couple of years now. He's thirty this year I'm in my mid 20s. I think its tough... I've tried bringing up the conversation about timelines and honestly he didn't really wanted to answer me, until I finally put my foot down and asked specifically for timelines. The way I went about it was "do you have any plans, timelines for yourself, or are you still content with everything just being in the future?" and I asked in a very even tone. There's no way to not sound pushy unless your SO feels the exact same way about it. If he gets angry, do not get angry back. Explain what you have explained to us. Explain that you are a person that likes to set goals and timelines so you know how to get there and also explain that you know life will not always turn out exactly as planned but its always good to have a guideline. While my boyfriend never got angry he was quick to want to switch the subject but he knows what I'm thinking and that's what I want to implant into his mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I think its all in how you approach this with him. Clarify your intentions. I know thats what I had to do. Even though from early one we were open with our discussions with these topics, he always felt that talking about it meant that it was going to happen SOON. It wasn't until I fully clarified things that he realized that it wasn't that way. Still upto when he proposed, he didn't pop the question until he felt like "Ok, financially I'm in a good position, lets get married..." The conversations were never negative, they were always productive, but I knew that he associated discussions with it happening in the near future...but he was always open to talking about it. I think you just need to clarify your intentions. Discussions now need to happen for things to happen in the future. Are you doing anything now, for things to happen in a year or two from now. Let him know where you see yourself in the next year or two, and that talking about it now, doesn't mean its happening tomorrow, or next week. I would bring it up again, and bring up the seriousness of the discussion, and that its not a place for jokes. Joking to me is a way for people to avoid tlaking about it, and him doing so sends off the message that he isn't interested..make him realize the message he's sending out by the way he's communicating back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konstantine Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 Well thank you for the advice. From what you guys have said, I'm not wrong in thinking at this point in our relationship I deserve to know what he's thinking. The more I think about it the more bummed out I get. It would be nice if it all was easier. I have no idea why he got his panties in a bunch over this, but if it happens again after I try to explain myself better, I'll take it as a big fat I'm Not Ready. Which will be disappointing, because I definitely am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konstantine Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 So I talked to him for a bit on his break. He said that he is serious in his intentions. I asked why he got so mad about us talking and he says it's because he's frustrated that he can't move forward and he wants to so when I talk about it he gets mad because that's what he wants too. I told him that his reaction was sending me a negative message and he told me that he is sorry and he wants to take the next step. I guess it's something. I told him, as you all suggested, that talking about it doesn't mean tomorrow. I think he is a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a civilized conversation now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timbertea Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 So I talked to him for a bit on his break. He said that he is serious in his intentions. I asked why he got so mad about us talking and he says it's because he's frustrated that he can't move forward and he wants to so when I talk about it he gets mad because that's what he wants too. I told him that his reaction was sending me a negative message and he told me that he is sorry and he wants to take the next step. I guess it's something. I told him, as you all suggested, that talking about it doesn't mean tomorrow. I think he is a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a civilized conversation now. I got hit with this one from the other set of shoes recently. I love her dearly, and I know what she wants in a wedding, and yadda, yadda. I also know I have about 15K of debt to clear up first on top of 25K for all of that (assuming she wasn't going to help with the wedding costs, which is how it came off to me when she presented it). At the point she asked me it was like asking me "When will you have the shuttle ready for launch to the moon?" Short of the timely death of a relative, and being left in the will -- I couldn't pull 40K out of my back pocket. So the whole thing came off like "I need to get on the motorcycle, jump through these flaming hoops over here, and these burning cars over there, and while you are at it, cough up 40K today...And when exactly will you be doing this?" She kept pressing it, and finally I just blurted out "I have no idea when I can do any of these things." It set the tone for a less than stellar rest of the evening, and she didn't understand why I was annoyed with it. Another conversation later with a much more tactful approach on her part, and she got the message that if she wanted to do this sooner some of the things in the wedding would have to be compromised, or I would have to delay finishing my doctorate, or the house projects would have to be put on hold... I felt like she was demoralized completely from the conversation, but I think it got her closer to the same wavelength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Look, you don't have to have a ton of money to get married! I've seen too many people fall into that trap, where they think they have to have a big wedding to get married and it causes all kinds of friction and can in fact make you lose the person if they get tired of waiting. Remember, not everyone will ever be able to afford $25K for a wedding. Life gets in the way. You can have a wedding wearing tee shirts and jeans and a pot lunch dinner and still be happy. Also, in many cases it is wiser if you have $25K to focus on other things you need, like an education etc. So you can get past this by saying you'll get married anytime she wants, if she's willing to marry without a big wedding. And if the big wedding is that important to her, let her get a second job to pay for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I remember shes2smart saying something like, "you're just as married with a $100 wedding as with a $50,000 wedding." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konstantine Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 I completely agree with that. But at the same time, if at all possible, I would like to do the bigger wedding that I had envisioned. If I have to make a choice, I choose him and whatever wedding we can have, but if I could have both, I want it! If I have to wait a couple years, that's fine. That's not the point here though. It's just getting the ball rolling at all that matters first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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