I'm in Love with Two Men!

[Pink Sunshine]

Trying to cut a long story (over 5 years worth) as short as possible…

 

(Guy 1): I had been with a guy for over 2 years. We were the best of friends. We bought a house together. If he had of asked me to marry him – I would have said yes. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

 

Until…

 

(Guy 2): I decided to go to university. I felt myself extremely attracted to another guy.

 

I thought, 'how could I love 'Guy 1' if I'm very interested in another person?'

 

I didn't do anything about my feelings for Guy 2 and I stayed with Guy 1. But, since I'd had feelings for Guy 2 – I stopped having sex with Guy 1 because I constantly felt guilty about my feelings.

 

Over 2 years had passed since I fell for Guy 2. My feelings hadn't gone away – I felt like I loved him deeply.

 

One day, he asked me out for coffee. I was so excited since I'd had very strong feelings for him for so long. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner turned into kissing, kissing turned into…

 

I felt very confused. I had to be by myself and think about things. I moved out of the house I owned with Guy 1 and I now live by myself.

 

It has been 6 months since I got together with Guy 2 (and 3 months living by myself). Guy 2 has told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Guy 1 also still loves me. He tells me I'm his soul mate and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is very hurt that I moved out and says he has never cried so much in his life. He can't imagine living without me. I've told him I was attracted to another person since going to uni. I haven't told him how far we've gone though – that would hurt him too much.

 

Guy 2 doesn't know that I still love Guy 1. I've told Guy 2 that I love him.

 

I'm in love with both of them! But, I love them both in different ways. Guy 1 is the best friend I have ever had – I love him for that. With Guy 2, I have never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I ache when I'm not with him – I want to spend every second of my day and night with him.

 

When I'm with Guy 1, all I think about is Guy 2. When I'm with Guy 2 I don't think of anything but him.

 

I don't know who to choose. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with either of them. I need to make a decision – fast! I can't do this to both of them (and me).

 

I really do want to be with Guy 2 but I guess I'm mainly scared of Guy 1's feelings. I'm scared he might do something really stupid – and it would be my fault.

 

There is so much more to this story though...

 

Like, Guy 1 has so many good reasons to be with him - he is a perfect person to spend the rest of my life with. Guy 2 has made mistakes in the past and has been married before and has kids (he says he only got married because his ex wife purposely got pregnant).

 

What do I do?

[kungfumaster]

Hi Sunshine,

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

I know there is probably so much more to your story, but are you sure you love with Guy 1? Would you say that a partner who has cheated on you loves you?

 

If your answer is no, then I think you should maybe spend sometime by yourself now. I know this will probably be impossible for you now, but just try your best. Time to hang out with your friends. But I know this is not in your vocabulary now because you still want to see Guy 2. So if that's the case, then do a clean break up with Guy 1, for his sake, if you really love him, or else he will keep hanging on, and it will just keep him from healing. You can't keep doing this to him if you care for him at all.

 

Anyways, good luck with everything, and take care.

Kung fu

[Pink Sunshine]

Kungfumaster,

 

Thank you for the advice. I read earlier advice from you to another post about styles of love. This also helped me understand what I feel for these two guys. With Guy 1 it is Friendship Love. With Guy 2 it is Romantic Love.

 

Deep down, in my heart, I know what I have to do. I should break up with Guy 1. It is such a hard thing to do though. I don't know how to do it! It is going to be an extremely complicated mess. Mainly because we own a lot together - such as a house!

 

But... I am also very worried about his stability. I'm scared he might kill himself or even... Kill Guy 2.

 

I feel so bad about this situation.

[sprkal]

When it rains it pours EH!

 

I dont think you should be wanting to spend the rest of your life with guy 1 if you think he is unstable. Thats a bit of a worry dont you think?

 

So, let me get this right, you are dating both of them?? and they dont know about the situation?

 

If this is so, how can u say you love either of them, if you are living a lie with both of them.

 

I've recently been in the same situation, I was with 'guy 1', one of my best friends for years, and in a contented relationship when I met 'guy 2' at Uni. I tried to squelsh my growing feelings for guy 2 because I told myself how 'perfect' guy 1 was for me. It didnt work, and I just got upset and angry at guy 1 because I wanted to be with the other man. recently, guy1 and I split, and guy 2 and I are beginning a new, beautiful relationship. I love this man, and I am so attracted to him, everything about him.

 

I think you should go for guy 2, look past his 'imperfections'!!! I dont think anyone should be perfect, or else our life would be boring! If you stick with guy 1, its like taking the safe road, where you are pretty sure everything will be nice for the rest of your life...but you might always wonder about guy 2 and that would damage your relationship with guy 1. Anyway, be honest with both of them. And be honest with yourself. Maybe as kung fu suggests you should be by yourself for a while to sort things out!?

 

I hope you work it out.

Sprkal

[piscesprincess]

Hi,

 

Well, we have some things in common. I have been with my b/f for almost 3 years now. We are not living together or engaged yet. he absolutely adores me. Our relationship is intense & complicated.

Anyways, he is 5 years older (i'm 23, he is 28). Ever since the day we met, we have been stuck like glue: we do everything togetehr, share our deepest thoughts, talk about our future, etc...he is my best friend too.

 

Like your guy "1"- we are lovers and friends.

 

I have been to 2 different in college for the past 5 years. I never liked any of my professors (in a sexual way). But, very recently the semester ended & found myself missing one of my professors. At the time I took him for granted. He is not they type that women drool over, but he reminds me of my b/f- just more mature & focused on his career.

 

I always loved intellectual guys, especially w/great personalites. This prof. & I talked alot before class & even during class he focused alot of his attention on me-- we would laugh out loud in class all the time (private jokes).

 

The major problem is that he is married w/a kid & 15 years older (not so bad )...I have decided not to pursue him, although I know he was attracted to me. On the last day of class I was wearing a dress. Just as I was handing him my final, he smiled at me & started at my lower leg which was showing. Plus, he gave me a perfect (A+) on a paper that sucked, i mean I wrote it the night before. We also talked about our homes & families when it was just us (is that cheating?)

 

I think some of us are meant to feel more than others. Maybe it's my imagination, but if he left his wife (ever)...I would like to be with him. Until then, it is all a fantasy in my mind. I still love my b/f too! There is more, but "physical chemistry" between two people cannot be put into words.

[Pink Sunshine]

Piscesprincess,

 

As I have said previously, there is a lot more to my story - I could write a novel!

 

You actually have more in common that you don't know about.

 

Guy 1 is 5 years older than me.

 

Guy 2 was actually my Lecturer and tutor. I had him for the very first subject I did at uni - 3 years ago, and I also had him again in Semester 2 last year. He is 15 years older than me. And, he only separated from his wife in December last year (a few days before we first got together). Your story sounds very similiar to mine but my Guy 2 has left his wife and I'm living my fantasy of being with him.

 

By the way, I noticed you were a Pisces - so am I (so I looked at your details). My sister who is 3 years younger is also a Pisces, her birthday is 12th March - the same as yours!

 

I also have taken Figure Skating lessons since I was 12 and love to skate and rollerblade.

 

Also, I went to New York this time last year and loved it (I went there on holidays with Guy 1). It is such a beautiful city.

 

And thanks for your input into my situation.

[piscesprincess]

Hey,

 

Well, this is off the subject here, but I am a true believer in astrology. We pisces women can really attract men! It is a subtle power we have (not from trmendous confidence, but from a sense of snsitivity & mystery).

 

Anyways, most of us fantasize abourt secret affairs. Our problm is also, we can love more than one person b/c we have so--much affection to give

 

Good luck

[kate111]

I think you need to go with guy2.

 

You like Guy1 but you are not really interested in him in a romantic sense anymore.

 

It is unfair to keep stringing him along. You are betraying him by misleading him. You lived with him for god sake. You owe him more than than this deception.

 

Guy1 will get over you and meet someone else. Give him that chance.

[im_not_jose]

Pink Sunshine,

 

I think you need a little growing up to do. To love someone is a very different feeling than lust and I think you have the two confused and your priorities all wrong. Would you throw away a relationship and the trust just to be with a man, who you lust for? Is it that important, in the greater scheme of things?

 

Also, you admitted to being attracted to the same qualities in both men, except you emphasive the bonus materialistic qualities that you seem to focus on "he reminds me of my b/f- just more mature & focused on his career". How selfish and shallow!

 

Normally I do not get so disturbed by people's problems, but I think that maybe you might get an idea of how Guy 1 may feel... At the end of the day, if this really is the personality you are, then the best thing to do is breakup with Guy 1, because he deserves so much better. But be prepared for him to be extremely hurt.

 

Seriously, what is it with people? No wonder society is going down the drain. People can barely keep their pants on these days. Always looking for the bigger, better deal, instead of being grateful for what they have. It's like its one big meat market out there.

 

 

 

[kate111]

Yep I kind of agree with Im not jose.

 

Let guy1 off the hook so that he can find someone who may appreciate his qualities. Because you obviously don't.

 

As for guy2 he sounds like an idiot. I bet youre not the first young student he has been with. He'll probably dump you when he gets sick of you and go out with another student.

[Christi84]

Pink Sunshine,

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know it's tough. I can say that honestly because I am in the exact same situation. I'm not going to elaborate right now as I am a bit busy and have to get offline in a few moments but feel free to chat with me later if you like. Maybe we can help each other. Reading your post was just so strange. It was like I was reading a post I had written...a post I've been needing to write for a long long time. Anyway, I feel your pain, I hope I can help.

[Pink Sunshine]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps me to think about things. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided that I have to at least leave Guy 1. I'd love to be with Guy 2 but I can't be with him either. How can I be with someone I've lied to? I want an honest relationship from the start and the relationship I have with Guy 2 isn't - it isn't honest with either of them.

 

I have to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life - I have to leave both of them. I am very upset about this but I'm sure it's for the best. I think I should be by myself for a while. I need to know what I want before I can go and get it.

 

I suppose I need to forget about both of them.

 

Maybe I'll fall in love again and hopefully I can be completely honest with the next guy that comes along. Maybe I might meet up again with Guy 2 (or even Guy 1) and if we do we were meant to be, if we don't then obviously we weren't meant to be.

[piscesprincess]

Hey,

it's your pisces pal again...we are the same age & I give you credit for taking a chance for love. At this point, even w/all our problems (we are mainly happy) I could not leave my b/f unless he was in love (infatuated) with another gal, then I would kick him where it hurts and leave (kidding)

 

Seriously, I wish you the best in making the right decision. Love is never easy.

[im_not_jose]

yeah, i agree... im one of those faithful types to the end. im more interested in getting to know someone really well and loving every part of them and less in the passion of "now". dont get me wrong, im an extremely passionate person, but I would never leave anyone because I felt some passion towards another person. I would discard such feelings. Probably because passion for a person tends to arise from only knowing people to a basic level and also the reason being that I'm quite picky when it comes to choosing my partner. It takes me a while before I find someone who I really like, and if I really like them, then its almost impossible that I would ever fall out of love with them. Even if trouble arises... Im the protector kind of person. I'd do anything to protect the other persons feelings and level of happiness. Does this make sense? (im kinda drunk, but im being honest)

[emmykins]

I've been in this situation, although not as seriously - i was engaged to your Guy 1, but Guy 2 waltzed in out of nowhere and i fell insanely in love with him.

 

You're in love with Guy 2. I think you know that. Guy 1 is like a friend or a brother to you, you're incredibly close and you miss that closeness. But it's Guy 2 that you love, and you'll ALWAYS regret it if you don't take it anywhere. Good luck with him!

[im_not_jose]

hm, how can you be sure its love and not just an overwhelming lust?

 

its hard to find a good man or woman in life who actually loves you for who you are and i would be very willing to wager a full £250 that if this lady here decides to leave Guy 1 for Guy 2 thinking it is love, that in at most 3 years time (but probably sooner), things between her and Guy 2 will go to pots and what was once love will rear its ugly end for what it really is. there's a small 0.5% chance that it will never happen and that you've actually met mr perfect and live happily ever after. and then there's the 99.5% chance that you will end up here at enotalone again.

 

like i said, finding a good person who wants to stick with you through thick and thin is like finding a needle in a haystack. maybe thats the problem. maybe you are just so bored of life and everything comes easily for you that you think that this is what you need?

 

 

PS. and theres no such thing as loving someone as a brother. especially after having shared particular intimate moments together. what you describe as brotherly love is really just "i know i used to love him, but now i dont really care about him anymore and cant be bothered to do anything to make him happy, because he doesnt seem special anymore". its so true. but saying ''brotherly love'' kind of makes it sound nice and fluffy and almost flattering, doesnt it?

[emmykins]

Yes, there is such a thing as loving someone "as a brother". It doesn't mean you used to love them but the spark is gone now. I was NEVER in love with my Guy 1, never felt for him what I gelt for Guy 2, and I DID love him as a brother. I still do! I feel exactly the same for him as I felt when we were engaged, because all we ever were was best friends who kissed. Now we're just best friends who don't.

 

im_not_jose, look in the topics "what is love?" or "how do you know when you're in love?"... I wrote in there what love, to me, feels like. And that is something I only ever felt for Guy 2.

[CestLaVie]

I'll make this short and sweet-

 

Your heart is telling you to be with Guy 2. Follow your heart on this. However, let Guy 1 down as gently as possible- this will break his heart completely. Tell him how much you still care about him as a friend, and make an effort to keep him in your life- but don't put him through seeing you with your new beau, that'll be too painful. In the meantime, proceed with caution with Guy 2....make sure it's the real deal and not lust or infatuation. good luck.