So you've done NC, you're speaking again. What do you do?

[jimbojones100]

This is a hypothetical question, since I'm not at this point, and very well may never be, but I've been thinking about it and want to get your opinions.

 

So you have done your NC. You've taken your necessary time for yourself as well as allowed your ex time to heal as well.

 

You've arranged to meet. Maybe for coffee or lunch or something. But it's casual. You want to get back together with your ex, but the question is, do they?

 

What do you do? How do you approach the meeting? I figure there are a few options:

 

1. Tell your ex straight out that you still care for them, etc. and want to get back together. Tell them you miss them and that you still love them.

The danger with this approach: You scare them off, they don't finish their coffee and they don't want anything to do with you.

 

2. Take a more conservative approach. Don't talk about a future together, and just partake in small talk and catch up. You take the first meeting and subsequent meetings like you're starting from scratch. Like it's a first date. You have no history together.

The danger with this approach: You have plenty of good times, but never get where you want to be. You remain friends.

 

3. A combination of 1 and 2 above. Start out slow, and just enjoy each others company. After a few (how many?) meetings, you then tell your ex that you'd like to get together again.

The danger with this approach: If you spill your guts too soon, you lose all your hard work. The question would be timing.

 

My heart says 1, but my head says 3. With 2, I would fear you'd run the risk of falling into the dreaded friends zone.

 

Thoughts?

[FootofGod]

I was thinking 3, or a modified version of one. I always thought of just saying "listen, I'm not here to talk about our past or future. And I'm not hear to be your friend, either. I just want to spend an hour drinking coffee and talking to a beautiful girl about how her life's going."

 

Kinda hits on the "I'm still interested," is kind of straightforward on intentions, and helps express some of that confidence you need to show.

[hater13]

if you are the dumpee you should not suggest to meet

[Flint_Wood]

I think 2 is more powerful then you give it credit, but you definitely need to still be romantic in treating it like a new beginning. Something powerful to hurry the process along is to "slip back into relationship mode". Doing something like wiping crumbs from your partners face or sweeping their hair out their eyes as if its completely natural.

[WaiKru]

Number 3 worked best for me. You just have to make sure you time it right. Base your decisions off of how they act. Basically let them disctate the pace. Spilling your guts too soon will get you no where, and being to friendly will just end in you being "just friends". What worked for me was just start slow with some subtle flirting. VERY subtle, and just keep it slow and gradual.

[snoopydog]

I tried number 1 and she told me she misses me back and still loves me but she hadn't gotten over my mistake that led to us splitting up. She broke nc too. I would be more wary about laying your cards on the table like that if the ex is a man, as it can send a lot of men running with that kind of directness. I think it's a very individual decision on how to broach the subject, hard to give general guidelines to.

[JohnTheMan]

I bought a guide on exactly what your talking about when my breakup happpened. It could be complete bull, but from what i've read it seems to be along the same lines as a collective ENA opinion. The guide itself is a bit shabby for the price, but if it saves a relationship... then why not? I would just send it in its PDF form, but I don't think thats right... You can check it out if you want... Magic of Making Up

 

Basically, it seems to go through all the steps to a successful reconcialtion including moving from casual meeting to relationship.

 

I have ZERO affiliation with the company or guy who writes this PDF, and i'm also not entirely sure how much it can help you... But it seems like a solid game plan.

[jimbojones100]

I was thinking 3, or a modified version of one. I always thought of just saying "listen, I'm not here to talk about our past or future. And I'm not hear to be your friend, either. I just want to spend an hour drinking coffee and talking to a beautiful girl about how her life's going."

 

Kinda hits on the "I'm still interested," is kind of straightforward on intentions, and helps express some of that confidence you need to show.

 

My only concern with going with too much of #1 is that you run the risk of too much too soon.

 

In my situation at least, I think coming off as non-threatening at the beginning is necessary, otherwise she'll revert back to her old attitude. But that's just for me. As has been said, every situation will be totally different.

[RecalX]

How bout you just cross that bridge when you come to it... Every situation is going to call for something different

[cho]

This is interesting to me because my ex just started contacting me again (he broke up with me). One thing I'm wondering is how you go about meeting up with them? I mean, my ex just randomly texted me asking if I wanted to grab some food, but seriously, we were NC for like 11 weeks and have had a couple text exchanges after those 11 weeks. I think if I just said sure let's get some food (I didn't, actually I didn't even respond to the text), that would seem kind of desperate or something... so what would be a good premise to meet? For me to meet up with him, I think he would have to address his bad behavior (basically led me on and then broke up with me for no real reason) but will he do this on his own?

[mrshuma]

The problem I am having with this is, lets say you've done NC for 2 months and the dumper contacts you, the main issue is, are they contacting you because they want to be friends, throwing you some crumbs because they feel guilty and are boosting their ego, or truly want to reconcile. The way I see it, the dumper needs to be the one to initiate the reconciliation and as they say actions speak louder then words. If the dumpee were to initiate or go to a meeting, 2 months of whatever time of NC could be down the tubes.

[jimbojones100]

The problem I am having with this is, lets say you've done NC for 2 months and the dumper contacts you, the main issue is, are they contacting you because they want to be friends, throwing you some crumbs because they feel guilty and are boosting their ego, or truly want to reconcile. The way I see it, the dumper needs to be the one to initiate the reconciliation and as they say actions speak louder then words. If the dumpee were to initiate or go to a meeting, 2 months of whatever time of NC could be down the tubes.

 

Maybe the dumper initiates the first contact after NC, but I don't think they can reasonably be expected to come out and say "let's get back together". Getting back with your ex is a two-way street. Neither side can expect the other to do all the work.

[mrshuma]

jimbojones: But I think she should make it pretty known even after the first conversation so at least you would know whether she was just friendzoning you or not. I would hate to go 60 days of NC and then have her email me to say lets talk, and when the moment comes the relationship isn't even mentioned.

[RecalX]

Maybe the dumper initiates the first contact after NC, but I don't think they can reasonably be expected to come out and say "let's get back together". Getting back with your ex is a two-way street. Neither side can expect the other to do all the work.

 

why not??? If they can say, "it's over" than they can say "I've made a mistake." Granted every situation is different

[mrshuma]

the way I look at it, SHE broke up with you, she knows the damage she caused. If she can't come back and say "I'm sorry, I love you and I want to try to work this out" then anything else is crumbs. Go through the history on this board, almost everytime the dumper breaks NC without being totally upfront of their intentions it usually backfires for the dumpee.

[jimbojones100]

jimbojones: But I think she should make it pretty known even after the first conversation so at least you would know whether she was just friendzoning you or not. I would hate to go 60 days of NC and then have her email me to say lets talk, and when the moment comes the relationship isn't even mentioned.

 

Oh, ideally, the dumper would make it quite clear of their intentions. But it's never that easy.

[mrshuma]

jimbo: I know, I'm at day 8 of NC and I have no idea if she will break it, but that's half the battle. I hope in both our cases its black and white!!

[jimbojones100]

jimbo: I know, I'm at day 8 of NC and I have no idea if she will break it, but that's half the battle. I hope in both our cases its black and white!!

 

Cheers to that!