I need some feedback

[Batya33]

None of what you wrote is my opinion so I'm unable to respond. My opinion is what I wrote above which is very different from what you wrote.

 

To respond to the "old-fashioned" part - it might be old fashioned but it's still very much the reality that in most dating situations among adults (at least in their late 20s and up, maybe younger) the man usually does more of the asking out than the woman, at least in the beginning of a relationship.

Not fair/equal but I think it remains the reality - which should change but that's besides the point of this thread/post.

 

And, again, I don't think that shyness is a major factor in this thread - It might be a factor but from everything she has written, either he is not interested in a relationship with her or not available (either because of shyness, the fears she wrote about, etc) so my advice to her is the same and not really affected by whether or not he is shy. He might be worth her patience but until he asks her out or tells her he now wants a relationship with her I think it would be terrible for her to stop pursuing other relationships, or close off any other options because she claims to want a serious relationship leading to marriage. Pining away for this guy as she is is a huge waste of time in my opinion.

[bruinsy81]

I think you should ask him out in an email,not in person. As you mentioned it might spook him and put him on the spot.When he recieves the email he will respond in some way .......eventually.It might take him some time,but if he is interested in you he will find a way to show you[perhaps by just being near you more]..Of course if he is shy,his mannerisms and approach are going to be socially awkward..I would say if he doesn't respond to your email [in some way] within a few weeks then he isn't interested..Send the email,wait a month to see how or if he responds and then if he doesn't,you move on.

[SometimesShy]

It's just like being introverted or extroverted, you are either one or the other.

 

And just to be a "shirt disturber", there is one more, ambiverted, which is a mix of both introversion and extroversion, which I think describes my behavior quite well. ( I am an extrovert in certain situations, and an introvert in other situtations )

 

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[bruinsy81]

I agree with your advice to the OP in this particular case but am puzzled at your response to Sometimes SHY,''none of what you wrote is my opinion''..He seemed to give a bang on summation of your opinion's regarding shy men.What about his ideas do you agree or disagree with??

[Batya33]

I agree with your advice to the OP in this particular case but am puzzled at your response to Sometimes SHY,''none of what you wrote is my opinion''..He seemed to give a bang on summation of your opinion's regarding shy men.What about his ideas do you agree or disagree with??

 

I have a post above where I wrote what my opinion is.

[Curious_Girl]

I agree with this, which is why I'm not pushing him. He has made a huge amount of progress, part of me wonders if he will ever get there, but I also think he's worth my patience.

 

This is such a hard situation b/c you never know what is just around the corner. Will he be ready in two weeks or five years?

 

I'm happy that you realize this and want to work through it. I applaud you and wish you the best of luck. I hope your guy sticks around until you are ready to give it a shot.

 

Thank you - me too!

 

 

I understand what you are saying, but I do think that if I cool things off, he will think that I have moved on and this past 1.5 years worth of progress will be lost.

 

I know what you mean. If you start to back off now, maybe he will think you've given up and lost interest. That is why I suggested actually telling him how you feel. I know it sounds horrible - it did to me, too but I finally did it. Mind you, I am not generally a shy person, so I guess it would be worse for you. You could always write it in a letter.

 

My concern is really for you. I hope this doesn't sound patronizing b/c I don't mean it that way - God knows I've done enough stupid stuff in my life that I'm not about to tell anyone else that what they're doing it stupid, lol!! Knowing myself, I would be analysing his every move, intonation, etc and it would drive me crazy. I think you are doing the same. If you are okay with that, then no problem. I have done it, and I am not okay with it.

 

 

It does make me feel torn because I really want this to move forward and I want him to be able to work through this. I have all these feelings locked up inside of me and I can't express them. It's frustrating, but I'm not ready to give up on him. If that makes me delusional, so be it, but I need to follow my heart and my gut.

 

Of course you're not delusional! And yes, you do need to follow your heart and gut - absolutely. But why can't you express your feelings? Are you afraid you'll scare him away? maybe it's exactly what he needs. Giving Girl, I understand that a lot can be said w/o words, but it's words that make it explicit, that make the other person understand, without any ambiguity, what is going on. Look how you are questioning what is happening btwn you. How do you know that he is not doing the same?

 

Obviously, I can't predict what the outcomes of any given behaviour would be, but I am a believer in laying my cards on the table. And if it doesn't work, at least then I know.

 

Best wishes,

CG

[givinggirl]

Thanks, I posted a thread today about doing just that and people are telling me not to. That I will completely freak him out and be stalkerish.

[Curious_Girl]

Thanks, I posted a thread today about doing just that and people are telling me not to. That I will completely freak him out and be stalkerish.

 

 

I just read that! We obviously think that same way.

 

I think there's a middle ground btwn what you are proposing and doing nothing. I didn't mean to write him a 20-page letter or anything. I was thinking more along the lines of a short letter/email telling him what you like about him and why you would like to get to know him better one-on-one. You will have to be clear that you are not saying this as a friend (which is why I suggested telling him honestly that you don't want to be just friends - because you don't.).

 

You could say that you'd like to spend some time getting to know him better and see what happens/where it goes.

 

There is a balance btwn letting him know how you feel and putting your heart on the line. I don't know what effect it would have on him, but I don't know that it's good to make yourself quite so vulnerable right now, esp as there may be someone else involved (I think that's what you are referring to re. something bad that might be going on?).

[givinggirl]

Ok, I see your point. Yes, I don't know if someone else is involved. I heard a rumor 2 weeks ago, but haven't heard anything else. I heard a similar rumor last year and when I said something to him, he was really mad, wouldn't confirm or deny it and just wanted to know where I heard it, then wouldn't talk to me because I wouldn't tell him where I heard it. I had made a promise and wasn't going to break it. I sweet talked him out of being mad at me, but he was really furious about that rumor.

[Curious_Girl]

So, what do you want to do?

[givinggirl]

So, what do you want to do?

 

I want to know the truth. Let's say he is dating someone. I would still want to be his friend. I would have to move on, which would be hard, but if he would rather not date me, that is his choice. We are friends, we get along and I don't want to give up our friendship. If he's scared of a relationship with me, I want to know that too. I just want to know where I stand so I can feel what I need to feel to either work on being with him or work on moving on.

 

I just don't know how to proceed. He's currently avoiding me for one of the two reasons above.

[Batya33]

I want to know the truth. Let's say he is dating someone. I would still want to be his friend. I would have to move on, which would be hard, but if he would rather not date me, that is his choice. We are friends, we get along and I don't want to give up our friendship. If he's scared of a relationship with me, I want to know that too. I just want to know where I stand so I can feel what I need to feel to either work on being with him or work on moving on.

 

I just don't know how to proceed. He's currently avoiding me for one of the two reasons above.

 

But you do know where you stand romantically. He is not interested in dating you or he would have asked you out on a date (and if he changes his mind in the future he knows how to contact you), or he is not available to date you because he his choosing his fear of a relationship (or any other reason he is not available to date right now) over dating you. It doesn't really matter if he is dating someone else- he's not married or engaged/steady so he could finish dating her tomorrow, but if he didn't ask you out, you'd still know that he is not interested in dating your or available to date you. You've expressed interest in him many times, you said he's told you he is scared of a relationship, and he has not invited you out on a date. That's where you stand. As far as the "why" he is not asking you out - why does that matter? And of course if he is your friend he may not want to hurt your feelings by telling you he is not interested in dating you.

[Curious_Girl]

I want to know the truth. Let's say he is dating someone. I would still want to be his friend. I would have to move on, which would be hard, but if he would rather not date me, that is his choice. We are friends, we get along and I don't want to give up our friendship. If he's scared of a relationship with me, I want to know that too. I just want to know where I stand so I can feel what I need to feel to either work on being with him or work on moving on.

 

I just don't know how to proceed. He's currently avoiding me for one of the two reasons above.

 

I don't see anything wrong w/ telling him how you feel, but in a low-key way (as above). While I see Batya's point, I am like you - I need to know exactly what is going on so I can accept it and adjust accordingly. Also, if he is interested, but not ready or something, then maybe this will be what he needs to get there. In any case, assuming you are right, it would be nice to have that validated so you won't think you're crazy! And if you're wrong, you can figure out where you went wrong.

[givinggirl]

This is where we don't see eye to eye. I don't know where I stand romantically. He causes me confusion at times and other times he seems very interested. I don't know what his thoughts are. I need to know that in order to decide what I want to do. I would rather he hurt my feelings and be honest about his. You and I are never going to agree on this, so there isn't a point in arguing it.

[givinggirl]

I don't see anything wrong w/ telling him how you feel, but in a low-key way (as above). While I see Batya's point, I am like you - I need to know exactly what is going on so I can accept it and adjust accordingly. Also, if he is interested, but not ready or something, then maybe this will be what he needs to get there. In any case, assuming you are right, it would be nice to have that validated so you won't think you're crazy! And if you're wrong, you can figure out where you went wrong.

 

I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm a need to know kind of person. I just don't know how I'm going to find out.

[Batya33]

This is where we don't see eye to eye. I don't know where I stand romantically. He causes me confusion at times and other times he seems very interested. I don't know what his thoughts are. I need to know that in order to decide what I want to do. I would rather he hurt my feelings and be honest about his. You and I are never going to agree on this, so there isn't a point in arguing it.

 

But you do know he does not want to date you right now because he is not asking you out on a date, right? That's my opinion, anyway. I think you're creating "confusion" so that you can continue to be stuck in limbo and choose to shut yourself off from other prospects. It would be much braver and proactive on your part if you decided that you were worthy of someone who was interested in dating you, and that you weren't going to passively wait around like a wilting flower for some guy who is great at sending every "signal" except the only relevant one (i.e. would you like to have dinner on Saturday night?").

 

If he changes his mind he knows how to contact you and meanwhile you can be out there living your life. I'll add, that if you want children, as someone who waited until she was 42 to give birth, if you can possibly avoid that situation with all of its health risks and emotional stresses because of the health risks then I would strongly advise it. Certainly I don't think you should waste these precious years (if you do want biological children) chasing after this guy and claiming it's because he sends you "signals". Signals don't keep your body and heart warm, believe me.

[stella74]

I don't see anything wrong w/ telling him how you feel, but in a low-key way (as above). While I see Batya's point, I am like you - I need to know exactly what is going on so I can accept it and adjust accordingly. Also, if he is interested, but not ready or something, then maybe this will be what he needs to get there. In any case, assuming you are right, it would be nice to have that validated so you won't think you're crazy! And if you're wrong, you can figure out where you went wrong.

I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm a need to know kind of person. I just don't know how I'm going to find out.

 

Why do you say you don't know how you're going to find out when Curious Girl gave you a clear suggestion to tell him how you feel in a low-key way? Tell him simply and directly you are interested in him. Yes, it's scary. There's a chance he'll say he doesn't return your feelings (which may be true or not). It may be uncomfortable. But then you will know one way or the other. You seem very resistant to simply stating you like him as more than a friend and would like to know if he is available and interested in you too. You don't need to go on and on about your feelings for him. You don't even need to ask him out on a date. I've taken the simple, direct route a couple of times, and even though it turned out the men said they didn't return my feelings, they said they cared about me as a friend. So it didn't feel like a huge rejection, even though I was obviously sad and disappointed. I was able to move on with a clear conscience.

 

Whether you tell him simply or you reveal your feelings more dramatically, you run the risk of losing him as a friend. But why would you want to continue to be friends with a man who may not return your feelings enough to be in a relationship with you? He may be too shy but you really have no way of knowing if that's the full reason. He should know he is running the risk of losing you as a potential girlfriend.

[Batya33]

I agree with this. I also have taken the direct route in the past - I don't regret it - never was surprised though that the man wasn't interested in dating me (not because I wasn't worthy but because he hadn't asked me out). It was scary but so are lots of risks in life. I personally think it's a waste of time in this situation - but the risk isn't such a big deal.