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givinggirl

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I've been called a "monogamous serial dater" because I date only one guy at a time for an extended period. When I like a guy, I only have eyes for him. Every man I've dated has been totally wrong. Looking back, there were always red flags, but I chose to ignore. After my 3rd relationship, I decided I just need to pay attention to my gut, instead of ignoring it or letting others convince me differently. I'm 34 years old & I've wasted a total of 10.5 years on the wrong men.

 

I've been single for over 2 years. I've always wanted to find my guy, get married & have a family. The last 1.5 years, I've been interested in a shy guy. The way he acts around me tells me he's interested too, but he won't verbalize it. I've known him for 7 years & he's hasn't dated anyone (that I know of), but he's also very private. He doesn't really discuss things with anyone, not even his best friend. I know he had one relationship that ended 12 years ago & I hear she did a number on him.

 

I met this guy because he was friends with my ex. Not close friends, but they all hung out together. I know that he is a very loyal guy & I think he has an issue because of my ex, plus he is scared to get into relationships (obviously since he's been single for 12 years), & he is very shy around girls that he likes. I've always had great regard for him, he was the sweet, thoughtful, shy friend of my ex. They constantly teased him of being gay since he didn't date. He rarely spoke to me & was nervous around me when I was dating my ex, but when I spoke he would look at me & smile. I think he's always liked me (I didn't realize it back then because of my blinders), but now I like him back & that petrifies him.

 

Recently, I heard he brought a girl out with him. I don't know who she was or if they're dating. I'm just wondering, if he is trying to date someone because he's so scared of liking me? Is it possible for a guy who's that shy around girls to date someone just to date them? It really doesn't make much sense because he's a slow mover & the week before he commented on how he's been single for 12 years.

 

I'm just torn because I REALLY like this guy, we have so many similar personality traits that are hard to come by (in my experience), I think we are very compatible, & we have lots of fun together. I know we have a connection we both feel. My gut tells me he's my guy, but I'm worried he's too scared for anything to ever transpire. I've always thought, he's shy & he just needs time to get comfortable. I've tried some things along the way, but it is a deer in the headlights reaction. I'm also shy, so I have an advantage to knowing what his reactions mean.

 

I've already fallen for the guy & I've tried to sit back & let him predict what happens because I could sense his nervousness. All his friends & family were trying to move things along because they knew we both liked each other, but it made it worse because shy people don't want to be in the spot light. This all is eating me up inside because I know how things could be if he would just take one small step.

 

I'm just looking for some feedback & opinions for me to contemplate.

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I agree with you & that's why I haven't been pushing anything. I do idealize him, but not for the reasons you think. I idealized him before I even liked him. He is an all-around great guy, better than any guy I've ever known. He would be a great catch for anyone. He's not perfect by any means, but he has a lot of great qualities.

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I agree that he has to be the one to make the move. The only thing you can really do is tell him that you like him. Flat out. Now is not the time to be coy.

 

Once is it absolutely clear that you like him, it really is on him. Maybe he's not interested for whatever reason. Maybe his friends and family are not pushing him because they know he likes you - but because they love him and want to see him with someone.

 

My advice? Make it clear and then start to move on. Start looking to date other guys, etc. Even they shyest of shy people will make a move if they know there is NO chance of rejection.

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I think you're making assumptions that might not be true. He might have been dating someone without your knowledge (that happened to a friend of mine - she spent 4 years with a tremendous crush on a guy who flirted but never asked her out - the whole time he was discreetly dating a mutual friend of their), he might have wanted to focus on other things, he might be very picky. I always focused more on actions in these situations - if the guy was interested in dating me, he would ask me out on a date even if he was shy (and especially if I showed interest).

 

It sounds like he might have met someone he's interested in - no big deal either way if you ask him out on a date but I would do that rather than tell him you like him - it makes it less awkward for both of you. All else being equal I think it's better if he does the asking for the first date but it can't hurt -at least you'll know.

 

Oh and I don't think the 10 years were a waste - you learned a lot about yourself and what you're looking for, yes?

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I agree that he has to be the one to make the move. The only thing you can really do is tell him that you like him. Flat out. Now is not the time to be coy.

 

Once is it absolutely clear that you like him, it really is on him. Maybe he's not interested for whatever reason. Maybe his friends and family are not pushing him because they know he likes you - but because they love him and want to see him with someone.

 

My advice? Make it clear and then start to move on. Start looking to date other guys, etc. Even they shyest of shy people will make a move if they know there is NO chance of rejection.

 

He knows that I like him. He takes baby steps and then avoids, it's a repeating cycle. He has gotten better, but I don't think it's the fear of rejection that is holding him back. I think me liking him is what scares him.

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I don't think he's secretly dating. He lives down the street from me, has to drive past my house to get to his and his schedule is completely predictable. Plus, a couple weekends ago, he commented on being single for 12 years. We hang out often and he had two jobs up until recently. It all just doesn't pan out.

 

I am focusing on his actions. It is his actions that have kept me from moving on. Asking me out is more verbal than an action. He's not good at all with sharing his feelings. He's more comfortable communicating with humor. He's extremely private and doesn't like it when people talk about him AT ALL. He doesn't like talking about himself, he would rather listen to everyone else.

 

Also, asking him out on a date won't work either. He will say no, I guarantee it. He is very scared of the whole relationship thing. I know that once he gets past the initial shock of it, he will be completely fine. Other than grabbing him and kissing him, I don't know how to get him past that shock. I've thought about it, but sometimes I think that is too drastic.

 

I know that it all sounds like I'm in a dead-end situation, but I really don't want to give up on him yet. When you have a connection with another person, there are just some things you know, even if they are never said. I don't mind being patient and spending my time on someone who is worth it, as opposed to all the men who weren't worth it that I spent a whole decade on. Yes, it wasn't a waste because I did learn a lot, but some of those lessons, I would have bypassed if given the choice. I also learned that there are very few good people in this world. He is one of the good one's.

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You say "Every man I've dated has been totally wrong. Looking back, there were always red flags, but I chose to ignore."

 

I think you're ignoring things about this man. I think you're making excuses for him because you want so badly to believe he's right for you. The reality is that either he's just not that interested in you (perhaps he likes you but feels you're not compatible for some reason) or he's unavailable (if he's too scared to be with you, then he's emotionally unavailable). As Batya said, he may have dated women in the 12 years you thought he's been single. If he's private, you wouldn't know.

 

It really is in your best interest at this point, since you've let this go on for so long, to ask him out. If he says no, you have your answer.

 

The main thing is to ask yourself why you want to be with this man so much when you say the following about him:

 

"He's not good at all with sharing his feelings."

"He is very scared of the whole relationship thing."

"I think me liking him is what scares him."

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Honestly, I do understand where you are coming from. The grapevine around here is way to large and fast for him to have been dating for 12 years and it not be talked about. Many tease about him being gay because he doesn't date. At the very least, he would let it be known that he's dating just to get away from the teasing. I can't imagine a girl having a relationship with a guy who never introduces her to anyone in his life. He may have one night stands (still doubtful), my friend was discussing dating and how she slept with a guy after one month and he had a shocked look and said "only after a month?!" I don't believe he has dated.

 

Many people in this world are not good at sharing their feelings, me being one of them. I have so many things that I think about and want to say, but don't have the courage to say them. My family feels that it is like pulling teeth trying to get me to talk. I'm shy, quiet and private myself. I only talk to a few people, otherwise people online who don't know me, so I don't have to share details with people in my life. Once I am comfortable and intimate with a person and I feel I can trust them, then I will give more of myself, but not until I am certain.

 

People are scared of all sorts of things, but they can work through them if given the time. He's a wonderful man and his fears don't scare me. I want to give him the time and be patient because I feel that it is worth it. I understand you are at a disadvantage to understanding my point of view because you don't feel what I feel when we are together. That is what keeps my patience going. If I didn't feel that, I would have moved on a long time ago. My bad relationships all happened so fast and too easy. Maybe it's the worthwhile relationships that take time and patience.

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Yes, but look at the facts. You say you've wasted 10 years on men who have been wrong for you. You've known this man for 7 years. During the 2 years you've been single, things haven't progressed because he keeps pulling away from you. Don't you think that's enough time already to have waited for him to open up to you and taken more initiative to be with you?

 

If your heart is really set on waiting for this man, I'd highly recommend dating other men in the meantime. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for potential major heartbreak. It's not like you're in your 20s and have the luxury of waiting another 10 years to find out if he's right for you or not.

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Yes, but look at the facts. You say you've wasted 10 years on men who have been wrong for you. You've known this man for 7 years. During the 2 years you've been single, things haven't progressed because he keeps pulling away from you. Don't you think that's enough time already to have waited for him to open up to you and taken more initiative to be with you?

 

If your heart is really set on waiting for this man, I'd highly recommend dating other men in the meantime. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for potential major heartbreak. It's not like you're in your 20s and have the luxury of waiting another 10 years to find out if he's right for you or not.

 

Things have progressed. He used to barely speak to me. He used to take the long way home to avoid driving by my house. When we first started hanging out, it was awkward hugs, no conversations unless other people were there to keep it going. Now, when we hang out, we are always next to each other talking, joking, teasing, having fun. We text often, we don't have an issue with personal space. When we touch, it is comfortable, we lean in to talk to each other, we dance close, we hug a lot, etc. In the 1.5 years since this started, there has definitely been movement forward, just slower than most. It's not like he's a dead fish.

 

My heart is set on him. It wouldn't be right for me to date other people because I am set on him. It wouldn't be fair to the others guy, and frankly, I wouldn't really enjoy it. Plus, that could ruin all the progress that has already been made. As I said before, I'm not ready to give up on him.

 

I was really hoping to get feedback from people who were scared to get into relationships. I would like to understand it better. Even after all my bad relationships, I was never scared to get involved with the next guy. I try to keep my past relationships separate and not blame the new guy for the old guys problems.

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My heart is set on him. It wouldn't be right for me to date other people because I am set on him. It wouldn't be fair to the others guy, and frankly, I wouldn't really enjoy it.

 

I have been on both sides in this situation, when I was much younger. I used to be terrified of relationships and I used to ignore red flags, despite having a really great relationship in my 20s to my best friend. I just happened to luck out with that relationship and the one with my ex-fiance. Many of the other men I dated were completely wrong for me, and many of the compatible men for me I felt too afraid to show interest in. But when it was right, as I knew it was with my best friend and my ex, I had no problem showing interest and committing to the relationships.

 

What I'm suggesting is that you look at the ways you're ignoring the red flags with this man. It's not fair to yourself to put all your eggs in one basket when you have no idea if this man wants to be in a relationship with you or not.

 

Has he ever tried to kiss you? He may enjoy having a romantic friendship and that's all.

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Has he ever tried to kiss you? He may enjoy having a romantic friendship and that's all.

 

He has thought about kissing me a couple times and then he chickened out, it became an awkward hug. He giggles like a little boy sometimes when things go that way. Once when we were dancing, he did get down on his knees and kissed my hand. He doesn't do this with anyone else. If you were to see us together, you would think we were in a relationship. It's been mistaken quite a few times. One of our friends brought his new gf out and she thought we were married. When we are out, there has been more than one occasion where someone has come up to him to say hello and asked if I was his gf. He never answers them, but introduces me.

 

I understand that you have my feeling in mind and I appreciate that. I have to follow my heart and my gut until I feel that it's no longer worth my time. I know it's hard to understand how I can still be waiting around after 1.5 years. I have different thoughts than most people because of my past experiences. When I first started dating my thoughts were completely different than they are now.

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I have to follow my heart and my gut until I feel that it's no longer worth my time.

 

Even though in your original post you say you are looking for feedback and opinions so you can contemplate what to do, it sounds as if you already have made up your mind. So, to be honest, I don't think it will matter what any of us tell you. But maybe others will have insight for you that will help. I wish you all the best of luck.

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Asking out is a verbal form of a well-known action that says "I want to spend time with you to see if we have romantic potential" - so please don't fool yourself that those are "just words". I've had connections with many people - I don't doubt that you two have a connection, but the connection from his point of view is not of the type or strong enough for him to be interested in dating you. If he was interested in dating you he would ask you out on a date, which he has not done, and you already know that he would say no if you asked him out on a date - because for whatever reason - fear, doesn't like how your face crinkles up when you sneeze, isn't in the mood to date, is just not that into you - he is not interested in dating you. So whether you have a "connection" or not is irrelevant.

 

My sense is that you are using this as an excuse not to keep your options open because that is risky emotionally - this way you can pine away and focus on your connection to him - telling yourself that you are being true to yourself and your connection by not opening yourself up to other people. I don't buy it - I just think you're afraid of being involved in a real relationship as opposed to one based on an abstract connection. It doesn't require you to love someone warts and all in a romantic context, it doesn't require you to compromise as most people do when they arre seriously involved with someone, and it protects your heart.

 

Of course the "connection" theory is a great theory to wave like a banner"I feel so deeply for this person who doesn't want to be with me that I would never be able to feel this way for another person in real life, unlike you mere mortals who can't possibly have felt this deeply and still decided that they wanted something in real life -- what they felt must be far more shallow than what I am capable of feeling". Even if you just say that to yourself.

 

He might be a very good guy but he is not good for you as far as potential for a romantic relationship. If he were, he would have chosen to prioritize his interest in you over his fears -- and done the necessary work, if he indeed is that scared of being in a relationship (which I have my doubts about, from your description.

 

And remember - you don't know what he des every single night, and you do know that he is not dating you, much less exclusive with you, so whether he is dating someone or not can change in a day, or in a night. Seen that many times, including in my own life. I just suggest that you stop lying to yourself about your real motives here, consider that you're just making excuses to stay in your comfort zone, and decide if a comfort zone will keep you warm at night, and if so, for how much longer.

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You don't know how either of us are as people. You've never witnessed how we interact with each other or with others. You don't know what I do or do not know. You have no idea how I accept each relationship that I have had, warts & all, how much I compromise, and this situation certainly doesn't protect my heart. If my heart was protected, I wouldn't be on here.

 

I have put my heart on the line over and over, giving each time it's own opportunity, it's own experience. I'm willing to take the emotional risk, to put my heart on the line because I want to have a "real relationship". All of my past relationships were based on lies. I want the honest to God real relationship, the trust, the intimacy, the whole package. I believe whole-heartedly purpose of life is to find love. Don't assume that you know who I am, what I believe or what I think.

 

I accept people for who they are and don't expect them to change. I can't possibly describe all the events that have taken place over the last year and a half to give the full picture in an online post. You can't feel the tenderness in his touch or see the look in his eyes. I know who he is as a person. I have been witness to his actions and his life for 5.5 years prior to all this starting. Those are some very grand assumptions and judgments you are making on very little information.

 

I can tell from your post that you don't understand how extreme shyness can affect a person and their actions. There are times in which it doesn't matter how badly you want something, it is the nerves, the knot in your stomach, the thoughts racing through your head that cause a flight reaction. It doesn't mean that you won't ever do what you want to do or that it isn't something you desire, but sometimes, you need to make several attempts before taking that step forward.

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I just need to pay attention to my gut, instead of ignoring it or letting others convince me differently.

 

One thing that became clear to me in reading your response to Batya is that part of the problem here is that you are conflicted. A part of you must know that on some level what we are saying holds some truth. Yet the other part of you, the part that knows you need to pay attention to your gut instinct, doesn't want to let anyone convince you that you are ignoring red flags.

 

What I have done in the past that has helped in these situations is to take it all in. Think about whether there are two opposing sides within yourself. You probably have an inner conflict that is playing itself out with you becoming defensive when we try to point things out to you that go against your "gut". I think you are trying to convince US because you really don't believe what you're telling us...on some level.

 

Think about why it's so important for you to pay attention to your gut. It's true that it's very important to pay attention to our gut instincts and our intuition. But we also need to balance those out with common sense and logic. You may need to go with your gut, even if it means getting your heart broken. All we're trying to do is help you, since you obviously came here for help.

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When I was dating (for about 25 years including several serious relationships) I found it far more simple. Since my goal was a serious relationship leading to marriage, if the man wasn't asking me out on a date. especially after I showed interest then I assumed he wasn't interested and/or available to date and I moved on. I too had strong crushes and strong feelings for certain men who for whatever reason chose not to pursue a relationship with me - but my priorities were different from yours - I was not going to waste my time waiting around and pining away for a guy who wasn't asking me out on a date, much less asking me to be his girlfriend. I wanted a marriage and a family and of course the latter has a limited time clock if you want biological children. I agree with Stella and I also agree that it's strange that you asked for input and then insist that we can't know the situation. Which is it?

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I can tell from your post that you don't understand how extreme shyness can affect a person and their actions. There are times in which it doesn't matter how badly you want something, it is the nerves, the knot in your stomach, the thoughts racing through your head that cause a flight reaction. It doesn't mean that you won't ever do what you want to do or that it isn't something you desire, but sometimes, you need to make several attempts before taking that step forward.

 

Yes, I completely agree with you on this. From past discussions with Batya, it is clear that she believes that all shy men will act if they are strongly attracted to a woman. Batya deeply holds to this belief despite what myself and several other shy men have told her, that for many of us shy men, there is no way to circumvent our shyness, it's part of who we are whether we like it or not.

 

My own advice with shy men is that you must take the first step ( and sometimes the second one too ), but do it in such a way that does not put the shy guy on the spot. Which means that you have to wait until you two are alone before telling him how you feel, because most shy guys will react badly if anyone else is around. If you can't do it in person, then tell him how you feel in a letter or an email, but make sure you use clear language, as many shy men will assume that they are misinterpreting what you are saying.

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No I actually don't believe that, nor it is a "deeply held belief" - it's just my personal opinion which I express when women ask whether a man is not asking them out because he is too shy.

 

I believe that even shy men who are available to date (and not in their early 20s - older) will ask out a woman they are interested in dating (maybe they are deeply attracted to the woman, maybe they are highly interested in dating her for other reasons, who knows). If an adult man is that shy that he can't ask out a singe, available woman for coffee, especially one who has shown interest in him, then I would say he is probably not available for a relationship at that time and needs to work on his shyness in order to be emotionally available to date and be involved in a relationship. He might be emotionally available to go on a date, but in all of these situations the woman has expressed interest in being in a potential relationship with the shy man, not just going on one or a handful of dates for the fun of it.

I also agree that some people cannot change their shyness (and some can, I suppose) but my point is that a shy person can change how he reacts to his shyness (or how she does) in a given situation. I had a very strong phobia which I got rid of, mostly (it is still a fear, anxiety provoking, but not a phobia) and when I had the phobia, which was who I was at the time, I had to change how I reacted to that phobia in certain situations, such as being able to travel, being able to sleep, to work, etc. I also was extremely shy until I was about 15 or 16 so I can relate to how paralyzing that can be. My husband had to get over his extreme shyness in order to ask me out. One example of many.

 

I've never written what the poster above has written about my opinion, because it's not something I agree with in the least.

 

In this situation I think,as I wrote above the OP is wasting her time, knows that on a certain level, and continues to keep all her eggs in this basket because in some ways it benefits her to do so (meaning, gives her an excuse to avoid pursuing a relationship that might actually work out - which can be scary emotionally, far more than having deep feelings from a distance, as I have experienced). I would write this whether or not the guy was shy.

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I have read a few of your posts, and I'm not sure what is going on with the guy. As you say, none of us can feel what you feel, and I am a believer in trusting your gut - you KNOW when there is something there.

 

Here are some thoughts however:

 

1 - I agree with Batya to the extent that if he wanted a R with you, he would have asked you out BUT he could want one and be too scared to have one - inner conflict (which would in essence make him unavailable, as she says). He will have to work on this himself. You cannot make him.

 

2 - I am very scared of getting into a R; I mean, terrified. I hadn't realized how much until I met someone recently that I like a lot, and while I thought I wanted to move forward with him, I am realizing now that I am very ambivalent. And it's not him - he's a great guy. It's me. I went through a really bad break-up of a not-great marriage, and I am so scared of being hurt again. (My ex and I split up almost 5 years ago.) It was bad enough with my ex, but if I were in a better R with someone who was not a womanizing narcissist, how much more painful would it be if we broke up? Or, to my thinking, when we break up?

 

So what am I doing about #2? I am in therapy! This guy that I've met is special, and I am getting to know him as a casual friend. I am keeping things slow b/c I am not ready for anything else YET - even though I really want it. Because he has so many qualities that I like, I am working hard at getting past this. Maybe, in the end, it won't work with him, but it is something I will have to deal with anyway, if I want to be married again.

 

I don't know if this helps you at all. Really, I don't think there's much you can do. What has helped me, actually, is knowing that the guy I am interested in is interested in me too. (I haven't told him about the above.) If I wasn't sure, I would be less likely to take the steps necessary to move past my fear. If you feel up to it, you might tell him that you like spending time with him, but you don't want to be just friends. And then cool things off, spend less time with him, not as a ploy but for YOU. Because I don't think being just friends is working for you. And I think he needs the push to actually do something about his fear (if that's what's holding him back). He has to know that he will lose you if he doesn't. And you need to know that, too - he WILL lose you, b/c you will have to protect yourself.

 

I really feel for you, and I hope this works out.

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Maybe his friends and family are not pushing him because they know he likes you - but because they love him and want to see him with someone.

 

I don't think they would push him if they didn't think he liked you, too, even if they want to see him happy in a relationship.

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I believe that even shy men who are available to date (and not in their early 20s - older) will ask out a woman they are interested in dating (maybe they are deeply attracted to the woman, maybe they are highly interested in dating her for other reasons, who knows). If an adult man is that shy that he can't ask out a singe, available woman for coffee, especially one who has shown interest in him, then I would say he is probably not available for a relationship at that time and needs to work on his shyness in order to be emotionally available to date and be involved in a relationship.

 

Batya, we will never agree on this. I personally think that you just don't get what shyness is for some men. You seem to have this idea that attraction will always overcome a man's shyness in the end, and this is where I completely disagree. For some shy men it's possible, for many others it's an unchangeable part of who they are.

 

And this does not mean that shy men are not ready for a relationship, which to me sounds like you are rationalizing about the shy men that women write-off because these men aren't following the traditional gender roles. Shyness is not a black-and-white condition, every shy person manifests their shyness in their own unique way.

 

I could easily reverse the gender roles, and state that attraction will always overcome a woman's shyness in the end, which I know is not true at all. Shy women are essentially the same as shy men, but shy women do not have this old-fashioned social stigma projected upon them because of their shyness.

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And this does not mean that shy men are not ready for a relationship, which to me sounds like you are rationalizing about the shy men that women write-off because these men aren't following the traditional gender roles. Shyness is not a black-and-white condition, every shy person manifests their shyness in their own unique way.

 

I agree with this completely. It's very hard to understand this unless you have been plagued by shyness. I have my whole life and I don't believe shyness is something that you can overcome like a phobia. Shyness is part of who you are, it's not a disease that can be cured. It's just like being introverted or extroverted, you are either one or the other. Or whether you are analytical or creative...it's just who you are. The problem is that people don't accept shyness as a personality trait. They think people can change their shyness (there are plenty of books about it), but I think it's just a good way to sell books. Prey on things that people wish were different about themselves, things that they want to change, but have no power to do so.

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I have read a few of your posts, and I'm not sure what is going on with the guy. As you say, none of us can feel what you feel, and I am a believer in trusting your gut - you KNOW when there is something there.

 

Here are some thoughts however:

 

1 - I agree with Batya to the extent that if he wanted a R with you, he would have asked you out BUT he could want one and be too scared to have one - inner conflict (which would in essence make him unavailable, as she says). He will have to work on this himself. You cannot make him.

 

I agree with this, which is why I'm not pushing him. He has made a huge amount of progress, part of me wonders if he will ever get there, but I also think he's worth my patience. If I hadn't seen progress over this time, I would have just moved on. My belief is that he is scared...those are the vibes that I get from him. There are times that I can just feel his nerves in the air. I believe that he can get past this, he wants to get past this, which is why he is showing conflict with the approach/avoid process. He just doesn't like the outside pressure he receives, which just pushes him back.

 

2 - I am very scared of getting into a R; I mean, terrified. I hadn't realized how much until I met someone recently that I like a lot, and while I thought I wanted to move forward with him, I am realizing now that I am very ambivalent. And it's not him - he's a great guy. It's me. I went through a really bad break-up of a not-great marriage, and I am so scared of being hurt again. (My ex and I split up almost 5 years ago.) It was bad enough with my ex, but if I were in a better R with someone who was not a womanizing narcissist, how much more painful would it be if we broke up? Or, to my thinking, when we break up?

 

So what am I doing about #2? I am in therapy! This guy that I've met is special, and I am getting to know him as a casual friend. I am keeping things slow b/c I am not ready for anything else YET - even though I really want it. Because he has so many qualities that I like, I am working hard at getting past this. Maybe, in the end, it won't work with him, but it is something I will have to deal with anyway, if I want to be married again.

 

I'm happy that you realize this and want to work through it. I applaud you and wish you the best of luck. I hope your guy sticks around until you are ready to give it a shot.

 

I don't know if this helps you at all. Really, I don't think there's much you can do. What has helped me, actually, is knowing that the guy I am interested in is interested in me too. (I haven't told him about the above.) If I wasn't sure, I would be less likely to take the steps necessary to move past my fear. If you feel up to it, you might tell him that you like spending time with him, but you don't want to be just friends. And then cool things off, spend less time with him, not as a ploy but for YOU. Because I don't think being just friends is working for you. And I think he needs the push to actually do something about his fear (if that's what's holding him back). He has to know that he will lose you if he doesn't. And you need to know that, too - he WILL lose you, b/c you will have to protect yourself.

 

I really feel for you, and I hope this works out.

 

I understand what you are saying, but I do think that if I cool things off, he will think that I have moved on and this past 1.5 years worth of progress will be lost. Just like you said above, "What has helped me, actually, is knowing that the guy I am interested in is interested in me too." We may not have had many conversations regarding this, but there are ways of knowing things without speaking. We are both very observant people, plus with all the chatter around us, the teasing, we've even had people put us on the spot together (which he handled better than I expected), we both know that there is mutual interest. It's just that right now, he's too scared to go there. It does make me feel torn because I really want this to move forward and I want him to be able to work through this. I have all these feelings locked up inside of me and I can't express them. It's frustrating, but I'm not ready to give up on him. If that makes me delusional, so be it, but I need to follow my heart and my gut.

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