the trump card

[sean68]

im looking for some advice.

 

whenever there is some sort of issue in my relationship with my GF she always is pulling out the "i dont want to do this anymore" trump card.

 

this evening she asked if i was mad at her. i said i kinda felt like her roommate and not like her lover these days. there hasnt been much affection or intimacy recently.

i didnt say it in a mean way, it was just a feeling i have felt for a little while now, and since she asked i said it.

she apologized and said she didnt mean it and i said of course she didnt. blah blah.

however, there is always a point where she has a very quick way of then flipping everything around and putting it on me. im then called a nag, and she feels like she is in a corner.

it seems like she gets really defensive. bc she throws things out like, shes been so nice to me and does alot for me. she does and in turn i do the same for her. i think its a fair trade off.

and since im not working right now and she is, im usually at her house making her dinner when she comes home. and staying at her place.

it makes me feel like i cant say how or what im feeling and that feels unsafe.

in all honesty, i dont expect her to jump through hoops. i was just looking for a little reassurance some understanding.

 

anyone have any advice?

[DelG]

Hi,

I know kinda what you are feeling, I was feeling some of the same about my SO, and I know what you mean about the trump card thing.

 

For the trump card thing I would tell her that if she cant communicate without saying she cant do it, then she needs to think about weather she wants to do it anyway. Its a hard thing to say but you cant live like that without being able to air views. I had to recently lay that line out.

[geekgirl4]

She can't pull out statements like that, almost sounds like an ultimatum - "if you don't do this, this is over". You guys need to work on communication and realize you should only talk about the problem at hand, instead of bringing different things into the picture. It's great you're being honest and there's nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance from your partner about the problem. Did you guys try compromising about how both of you will attempt to be more affectionate to each other? Explain to her about how her saying she can't do this is making you feel like you can't talk to her about problems. And as for the current problem, maybe she is right and she doesn't feel like you aren't as affectionate. Since you guys are both on the same page about not feeling as close to each other lately, you should BOTH agree to do more and drop the issue.

[sean68]

thank you for the responses. what you both have said is right.

 

sadly, we havent spoken since we had this argument. which a full day now. im a bit torn with what to do. in so many words she asked me to leave her house last night, which i did.

i dont know if i should reach out or step back. i assume the ball is in her court. but i just dont know.

she does have a pattern of checking out after we have an argument. it is sometimes a day or two and once it was a week without speaking.

im beginning to wonder if these are narcissistic qualities. with all the defensiveness, blame, and then with the withholding.

im sure im reading into all of this too much but it really sucks.

it baffles me how a little reassuring comment would have made it all go away has now turned into huge ordeal.

[DelG]

If she is acting like that, you have to question weather her attitude in the future. I think its so childish to act like that. I would wait a bit to contact her and see how things go. You have to see this as a test. If she is into you then she will come forward. Maybe sms her in a day or 2 and just say Hi and say that you are thinking of her, but nothing heavy. If still no reply then she is very childish in my opinion, and I would just leave her to get on with it.

 

If you really love somebody then why waste all this time sulking and playing mind games.

 

Example I got yelled at this morning because I asked my fiance to hurry up in the shower, her car is in the garage getting fixed so i drive her to work, and as a result I am late and get grief from my boss, so I said please hurry up in a very polite and non intrusive manner, but I got it in the neck which made me extremely angry, but I just calmly said OK fine and walked away. She came and said sorry and I wanted to really let her know how angry I was and how disrespectful I felt she had been knowing that I am going to get grief etc, but I just said "its OK darling, don't worry, forget about it" and left it at that. I really don't see the point in starting the day badly for something simple, Maybe I am wrong however, but that's the way I am. I just cant do mind games and anger over stupid stuff when I really love somebody, is my point.

 

Hope it works out.

[iJester]

Definitely do not call her first. Go on about your life as if you do not have a girlfriend, go out and have fun with your friends, and if you run into a new prospect, don't hesitate for a second to see what she has to offer.

[sean68]

well its been 3 days now and not a peep. i havent reached out even though i really want to.

its difficult bc i feel like i made a mistake.

i keep replaying the other night in my head. she also said that she is too busy to deal with sort of thing when she comes home and how she feels like i put her in a corner.

she then pulled out an issue which i thought was dead in the ground about a friend of mine.

a few weeks ago she comes to me and tells me that a friend of mine gives her a strange feeling. and it doesnt make her comfortable. i remember saying "i dont want you to feel that way so how can i make it better for you? can you give me some examples of what bugs you?" she didnt really have anything too concrete to base these feelings off of. she just said she thought my friends Gf was strange and that my friend acts bizarre around her. they were things i was clearly unaware of. we got in a huge fight about it.

and what do you know a week or so after some of my other friends were having issues with this person as well as myself. the only difference was that my friends and i both had something concrete and factual to base these feelings off of. so in the end my gf was right. i even gave her credit later by saying "you know what, you were on to something..."

when the other night happened when we were arguing about what i had said about not feeling connected. she then says " and i hate the way you dealt with that friend situation. you ignored what i said but listened to your friends and agreed with them..."

i told her i was sorry and that i processes things differently then she does. ect.....

 

ive learned that when you fight about something its always best to stick with the present situation and not drag other things into it. however, im guessing she has been secretly resentful about that for a while now.

personally, i dont think any of this stuff is earth shattering. thats just me. i think big issues like cheating or lying are.

 

and to not have any contact in almost 4 days feels extreme to me.

i dont know if i should break down and apologize. through email or text or a phone call.

 

anyway, thanks for listening.

[sean68]

AHH! i figured out why she has been avoiding me.

 

i finally reached out to her. to see when she wanted to talk and she said i betrayed her and she needs time and space. i was so confused i said how sorry i was that she felt that but what did i betray her on?

well, when she basically asked me to leave i gathered up my stuff and while i was driving home a phone buzzed in my pocket. when i pulled it out i realized i accidently took her phone. ours look exactly alike.

i was so annoyed and terrified that i threw her cell on the passenger seat and zipped back to her house to give it back. she gave me attitude and i said i accidently took her cell thinking it was mine and i was returning it. then i left.

she thinks i took it on purpose to snoop.

 

a lil backstory is about 10 mnths ago. i was using her comp and i lost the page i was on so i hit her history button to get it back and saw she was looking up her ex. i admitted to looking at it more then i probally should and apologized.she got mad. and i never did it again.

 

cut to the present where no matter what i say she thinks im lying.

in a crazy way it kinda makes me feel better bc i know how innocent i am in this.

however, anyone have some sort of advice on this?

 

ive never dealt with this before so its new territory for me.