he dumped me, out of the blue. CRUSHED

[texaslove]

The bf and I dated for 1.5 years. Since day one he told me how important his cousin (his roomate) is to him and that noone comes between them. The past year I have tried to be cordial to the cousin and understand. We all never all hungout togethr (him, his cousin and cousin's gf) and I dont know why. Anyways.... The relationship in my eyes was amazing. We fought enough to keep it interesting but not enough to lose the relationship. He and I wanted the same things out of life and his family liked me and mine liked him. I had talked about moving to Texas a lot and at first he thought in the future that might be possible (currently in Maine). All of a sudden he changed his views and said he wants to stay in ME because he has a great job and doesn't want to be farther from his family (in NH). I understand. I stopped trying to push the Texas subject knowing I was happier here with him then moving away without him. Also, he has known about me wanting to go to Physician assitant school since the day we met. I was recently accepted to a school in Long Island NY and one in Manchester, NH. Manchester is my first choice and has been since before I met him, but what a coincidence- his family lives in manchester which is only 1.5 hrs away from portland maine. When I was accepted he was flooored! So supportive about how he could visit on weekends to see me and his family at the same time and I cud come home to visit. Everything seemed "perfect". We always laughed and smiled around eachother, enjoyed the same things, spent lots of time together when we werent working, but also had our "girl/guy" nights with our friends. I really did think this was going to be IT, Forever!

 

All of a sudden his mind changed. At EASTER, just one month ago he had said to his dad "oh dont worry bout weddings, Amy just has to finish school first, wink wink". So here he is talking about our future. He also mentioned to me a few weeks ago how busy he will be working this summer, but come fall, before i leave for school we will have plenty of time to hangout and spend quality time together. The fun romance continued with a random "iloveyou" car and chocolate bunny. The weekend of May 1st we played mini golf and went out to lunch. We also went to look at a new Wii video game. He picked up two and said "which one should i buy tomorw for us to play this week??" and I picked the Sport Resort. We everything seemed great that night and then Monday I saw him in the afternoon when i went by his place to pick something up. He gave me a kiss and i left and told him to enjoy his guys night. Well later that night i texted him to say "wana do brunch with my mom on mothers day" and he responded" yep, sounds great " So thats a good sign, right?! Well he then told me that tues he was going to have to work a long shift, but would try to be home at 11pm instead of 1am so we cud snuggle bfore bed. Well I still thought things were going good, then tues night i didnt hear from him at 1030 like i normally do, but just wrote it off to him being busy at work. The when i asked the next day why i hadnt gotten a gnight call he said "last night was hectic with work.. blah blah" So I said OK. He worked late in weds night and so i told him i would talk to him thursday. Well 130 pm on Thursday rolled around and i get the text "I am working til 830 tonight but sometime today or tomorw we need to sit and talk" NOW I am freaking out!

 

I called him right away and he said he cudnt talk becus he was at work. I am cryiing saying that i just dont understand i thought u were happy and we just made plans for this week, and he said "i havent been happy for awhile". WHAT!??!! So I said "if you are gona break up wth me just do it, is that why we neeed to talk" and he said "not now, but yest that is why we need to ttalk"

 

I sat around allllll day crying and trying to figure out why he had a sudden change of heart. Well, we met in a parking lot, overloooking the water and decided to talk. He said we are going in different directions and he thinks i will be happier in texas and so busy at school. He also told me that i sacrifce more for the relationship than he does and that wasnt fair to me. and that He needs to focus on his new career with Amtrak. OH PLEASE! (everyone told me to be strong and not beg so i didnt) I just said that I never saw this coming and that i loved him more than texas and that i thought me being only 1.5 hrs away for school (for the next two years) would be hard, but if we cared we cud make it. I just said "ill always love you, i wish you the best in your career" gave him a hug and askedhim to leave my stuff from his house on my back porch.

 

SO I never asked "WHY, really WHY did you wake up this morning and not want to be with me" "How were you sooo supportive and talking abt marriage and how to work out me going to school just a few weeks ago?" "Do you just not love me, is there someone else (althoh i dont know when he cudve had the time honestly)"

 

I was calm when he broke up with me so that I cud look like i was OK, but I am SO CRUSHED I dont know what to do with myself and I have rejoined counseling to talk out my feelings. I want to ask him WHY and WHEN did he lose these feelings and WHY would you make plans for that weekend and then break up with me. I dont understand. I am trying to figure out if i should break the NC with a call to get answers (answers that might make me hurt more, but atleast is closure maybe?!) or maybe write him a letter or email that states how i am feeling and how confused i am. I guess there is this little piece of me that thinks "what if he wants me back but think im over it and is scared to contact me" and I know this is so doubtful, but i cannot get rid of the thought. Today is his bday and i have yet to text him anything. The last i said to him with an email about simply stating the things i want back from his place and i signed it with "hope u r well, miss ya, Amy" and he texted me bacvk the next day saying "i think i have everything and i will drop it off later" Thi past Sautrday I got a text saying "i dropped ur stuff off at 5am before heading to work. I will keep an eye out for your necklace, but anything else tht is missing please let me know"... Thats it. No Im sorry, No I miss, No I love you but this just wasnt working out.... AHHH I HATE IT! I really thought with him turning 29 and me being 24 with a good head on our shoulders, that this was headed for forever!

 

Sorry its so long… I am devastated and torn apart! What to do What to do!!

[DN]

We fought enough to keep it interesting but not enough to lose the relationship

Are you sure that is how he viewed these fights?

 

 

Since day one he told me how important his cousin (his roomate) is to him and that noone comes between them. The past year I have tried to be cordial to the cousin and understand.

Why do you mention his cousin? Do you think he had something to do with your ex's decision to break up?

[anu1560]

I am really sorry you have to go through this. But you know something, what you did that day was great. Very few people can keep calm when they are told about breaking up. You already told him that you loved him. He knows this. I wouldn't worry about him getting scared to call you. If he really loves you, he will have to get that courage to call you. It takes courage to break up. If he could have courage to break up, he should have the courage to come back to you too. Or else he is not worth it.

 

And about getting answers, it is too soon for either him or you to handle answers. Sometimes you never get the answers of why, when and how after a breakup. Sometimes you get answers within yourself after few months. It is always hard to see the relationship when you are actually in it. It becomes easier to see it when you are away from it. So give it some time. You are doing great. Never beg. I did that mistake and I lost all my self respect and I lost the respect in his eyes too. By begging you are going to make him more distant. Just stay calm, cry if you want, be angry if you want, write here in ENA whatever you feel. Just don't contact him right now. Sometimes a little space is all that is needed.

 

Lot of HUGS for you. You sound like a very lovable person.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am really sorry this has happened to you. I know how confusing it all is and all the questions you have floating around your head.

 

I think the best thing that you can really do is just to give him space. I wouldn't contact him just yet. I would wait for the dust to settle and maybe when you are in a better place and have had enough time to process what has happened, you can contact him asking for answers to the questions you may have.

 

Usually when it comes out of the blue like this, they have been thinking about it for a while and planning their escape. It's never really as sudden as it may seem.

[texaslove]

Are you sure that is how he viewed these fights?

 

 

Why do you mention his cousin? Do you think he had something to do with your ex's decision to break up?

 

What I meant about the fights was that we hardly fought, but we did have some fights, a few small, a few big, like many couples. He never seemed unhappy with me or with our relationship. Most couples do fight about some things.

 

 

I mention his cousin because I was explaining how I understand him and his need to keep close relationships with other ppl other than me. And, yes, I do have this small underlying feeling that his cousin may have had something to do with it. I cannot prove that, its just a feeling. I fear that they may have just been talking over beers on guys night (that monday before the thurs he broke up with me) and maybe he mentioned being stressed with work and worried about me moving 1.5 hrs away. I don't know, I am grasping at straws.

[Jgregoire108]

Strange question to ask, but is his birthday coming up soon?

 

You mentioned he was 29. Im 29 right now too, and ever since I turned 29, I have been feeling apprehensive about my future, as well as a bit depressed because... im less than a year away from the big 3-0, Thirty. I always felt that I should have accomplished more before hitting this major date of being 30, and wondering if he is perhaps feeling the same way.

 

Just a thought

[pumpkinmoon]

What I meant about the fights was that we hardly fought, but we did have some fights, a few small, a few big, like many couples. He never seemed unhappy with me or with our relationship. Most couples do fight about some things.

 

 

I mention his cousin because I was explaining how I understand him and his need to keep close relationships with other ppl other than me. And, yes, I do have this small underlying feeling that his cousin may have had something to do with it. I cannot prove that, its just a feeling. I fear that they may have just been talking over beers on guys night (that monday before the thurs he broke up with me) and maybe he mentioned being stressed with work and worried about me moving 1.5 hrs away. I don't know, I am grasping at straws.

 

If somehow his cousin did have something to do with it and managed totalk him into it somehow, there is more chance that he will see that this is not what he really wanted.

[texaslove]

I misss him very much. We got along so well and even back at Easter he was telling his dad that i just needed to finish school first and then we were thinking marriage. I have never seen him look angry or upset at me and show any signs of not wanting this relationship. I really was taken back by his text to me, saying we needed to talk. And then we I went to talk to him that night he could barely look at me and he just seemed like a totally different person. I have seen him cry and tell me how much he loves me and make all these promises, and then he was so different that night. He was cold, to the point, and didn't seem like himself. I do think his turning 29 is a factor, like Jgregoire said but I just need him back now. I love him so much and would do anything, including not going to grad school. He was my best friend and so amazing, and I thought he felt the same way. Until that day, I saw nothing but joy radiate from him.

[penelope13]

"I am working til 830 tonight but sometime today or tomorw we need to sit and talk" NOW I am freaking out!

 

I'm just curious, if things were as perfect as you say, why did you immediately freak out and jump to the conclusion that he wanted to break up with you? 'Wanting to talk' could mean many things in a relationship.

 

Just wondering if you didn't somehow pick up on clues beforehand, but that you just ignored them.

[texaslove]

I freaked because in every relationship I have been in those words are never good. I have never had someone say "we need to sit down and talk" and have it be any positive.

[pumpkinmoon]

I freaked because in every relationship I have been in those words are never good. I have never had someone say "we need to sit down and talk" and have it be any positive.

 

I agree. When you hear those words it's rarely good news.

[penelope13]

^^Not necessarily, depending on how well you communicate throughout your relationship. Sometimes it just means that you realize there is something not 100% perfect, but you want to find a solution together.

 

Sure you might perceive this as 'bad news', but truth be told, I consider this a positive thing, i.e. creating an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and work on it.

 

But if my partner would immediately freak out, not even give me the chance to express what was on my mind in a serene/ calm way, at a point where I have specifically allocated time for this, I might not be willing anymore to look for a compromise.

 

I am NOT saying that OP has brought on the break onto herself, but am only suggesting that maybe going forward there is a need to create a way of communicating with a new partner where the partner feels comfortable to express his concerns before having made a final decision of breaking up.

[FootofGod]

My girl basically did this same thing, same lack of fighting, same great communication, same flirting, cuddling, and happily dating up until the week of... then, bam. Guess she didn't communicate with me as well as I had thought. She left me for an old crush (he's also a drug dealer and a pizza boy, and that's all he wants out of life. Good trade, makes me feel great).

 

Just move on. They'll probably come around, but only time will tell. I think both of our exes are severely confused with what they want out of life right now, and maybe they'll figure it out and maybe they won't. Either way, we need to move forward full speed. You can't really be with someone who doesn't know what they want out of life anyway.

[texaslove]

As far as I knew our communication was good. I have always been open to compromise and listening and talking about issues/feelings. He had sort have done this before, he told me like 9 months ago that he wanted to focus on his career and he didn't want me to feel neglected if he was working so much. He had just started working for Amtrak and was on an "on-call" sched so it was hard to plan anything. I talked with him and we decided to work it out. I was as supportive as I could be with his schedule and giving him space and also spending time together. In the past 5 months things seemed to be going amazzinngg. He was always happy and supportive of my job and my getting accepted to school. I am totally crushed and confused. I really would think if he was upset with me or unhappy that I would've noticed. And if he was, I am mad becus he "led me on" by making plans for that week and weekend and being excited about it, then dumping me. I know a lot of people get aggravated when their signif. other starts acting like a b**ch or A**hole to "try to get you to break up with them", but I feel atleast if I had noticed he was unhappy, I wouldve been prepared, slightly. Although at this point, nothing could make me feel better! UGH!