Dumpee or Dumped?

[jenna-is-here]

I am reading so much about dumpee and dumper...I think I am the dumpee? Can you tell me what you think?

 

After 4+ years of living together, I wanted to get married, he didnt. I told him if after all this time he didnt want to take the next step, then it was time to go. And he moved out. We were both really upset. I am sure he is moving on better than I am b/c I know is personality.

 

In the end, I feel like I was dumped. Overall, it probably doesnt really even matter since the end result is the same, I am not with the man I love.

 

So, was I dumped or did I dump?

[confusedbella3]

in my situation i told him i wanted to split up BUT he acted like he didnt want our relationship prior to that so i feel like i was dumped.

 

its weird when this happens. you grieve but the other person is the one that gets all the pity when it shouldnt neccessarily be the case.

[Hurting85]

It sounds more mutual. There's not always a dumper and dumpee. Sometimes you just agree things are working out, you don't have the same goals, you're going different directions in life, etc.

[nguyenal]

hmmm...I dun think u handled the situation right. U sort of pressured ur man. It seemed like "take this option or u are out." You are not giving him any other options. Well but then also, he should not leave u like that.

 

I feel like this is a mutual breakup. You guys both agreed on the breakup.

[Hurting85]

hmmm...I dun think u handled the situation right. U sort of pressured ur man. It seemed like "take this option or u are out." You are not giving him any other options. Well but then also, he should not leave u like that.

 

I feel like this is a mutual breakup. You guys both agreed on the breakup.

 

I don't think anyone did anything wrong. After four years, you either know you want to or know you don't. Or I think you should, at least.

[nguyenal]

Well yes but still, I don't think it's right to pressure him like that. I think it is better to give off hints.

 

Maybe I was never at that stage so I don't know what I am talking about.

 

I don't think it's anyone's faults in this. This is like a mutual agreement on the breakup. Guys don't like to be forced to commit. They rather want to commit on their own.

 

Again, 4 years is a long term...it is the right time for the next level.

[generaldiscord]

I'd say you're the dumper. He would still be with you if you didn't set the ultimatum, and it doesn't really sound like he wanted to leave.

[learning2relax]

I disagree. I think he is the dumper. Yes, you gave him an ultimatum but how committed in the relationship was he if instead of discussing this with you and attempting to find a common ground in order to stay together, he packed up and left.

 

I disagree that just because you issued the ultimatum that you are the dumper because otherwise you would be in the relationship. Perhaps there was a more diplomatic way in which to have the conversation with him but given that he up and left so easily, I don't know that the outcome would have been different. He may have checked out a while ago and was either waiting for you to make the call that you did or get frustrated enough with his failure to move forward that you call it quits.

 

Ultimatums are dangerous because it can create pressure and/or where someone is feeling controlled. You can't go back and change the approach that you took. However, you may look back one day and feel that it was for the best because it ended things quickly vs. a slow death which is way more painful.

 

Everything happens for a reason. At first we deny that and it takes a considerably long time to realize the "reason" why things happened the way they did. I think it would be best to leave things be and let him sit with his ambivalence (as you sit with yours). Perhaps somewhere down the raod, if your connection was strong and it was meant to be, you will both find your way back to each other. Or you may find that person that you are meant to be with but couldn't have met while you were with him.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Accept that it is what it is and work on healing. Take care....

[catfeeder]

Mutual. This is where the term 'irreconcilable differences' comes from. Neither can compromise on this issue, as with couples who can't agree on whether to have baby. Some things can't be compromised.

[generaldiscord]

I still think you're the dumper. He was happy with the relationship the way it was, and you wanted more... I don't really think that makes you the bad guy. I think it's better to say 'hey, this is what I want, if you're not on board get out' instead of waiting forever for the other person to come around (when maybe they never will). I think an ultimatum after 4 years of dating is entirely reasonable, an you don't have to feel like you acted irrationally.

 

Because of traditional roles in the relationship, it's expected that the guy makes the first step in the marriage proposal department. That means that shy guys have a difficult time, but it also means that women who know what they want often spend years in frustrating silence because they don't want to be called 'controlling' or ' * * * * * y'. I think that slowly this is changing for the better. While it's sad to see a 'good' relationship break up over this, it's probably for the better. Oftentimes men will stay in comfortable relationships for years although they have no intention of tying the knot.

[jenna-is-here]

Wow - it is so interesting to hear everyones take on this.

 

A few things to note:

 

1. Call it an ultimatum or not. He told me for 4 yrs that we were going to get engaged. Im 39 & had invested 4 years of my life with him, before just blindly walking away, I communicated with him that I had to move on if engagement was going to happen. That is the only power (we) women have if we go the traditional proposal route.

 

2. He would have "lived" together for years to come.

 

3. I read if a man wont get married it is for one of two reasons;

a) they just never want to get married

b) they just dont want to marry you

 

Sadly, my haunch is that he just didnt want to marry me. I guess only time will tell if we see him engaged in the future.

 

He purchased a ring and said something was "stopping him"...what more can I do? And this is why everytime I have the urge to contact him (been 7 weeks), I stop myself because there is just nothing to say.

 

Thanks for all your input. I always felt like I got dumped. But is seems easier to think of it as "we wanted different things" like someone said.

 

Jenna

[clockface]

I do know how you feel about feeling dumped.

 

I left my boyfriend in early March because I felt like he wasn't committed. I had spent the last year waiting around for him to show me some sign that he was committed, but he wouldn't. I wasn't asking him to lose an arm, I was asking him to open up. We didn't even have to move in together, I just wanted to feel like the relationship was progressing. I want to get married and have kids, and he said he did, but at the end actions speak louder than words, and he was just so lazy about our relationship. At the end of it all, I am 32, and I felt totally taken for granted and like he made no effort.

 

A few weeks after we broke up he admitted he made no effort, but said he did not know why. I always felt like he didn't think I was the one, but he still insists he wants to be with me forever. Again, actions speak louder than words. I can't wait the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like 'Miss You'll do for now and I can just drift along in this', rather than 'Miss The One'.

 

I do know how you feel. I gave my ex two years, and I did not give him an ultimatum.

 

ps. my ex then went and started dating other girls, which he told me about. Interspersing this with claims that he still loved me and I am the one. go figure.

 

pps. why i am still in love with this man is beyond me.