Not happy

[-Sanguine-]

Ah.. so I'm just going to vent.

I have been feeling pretty down lately, and alone. I don't really talk to anyone about my feelings. Mostly because a) half the time I'm second guessing them, b) I don't want to admit that there's actually something wrong, c) I think I'm being overdramatic and a baby

 

I've just been so.. confused lately.

I'm having major money stresses. I just want to have money because I feel as though I can't enjoy life. My boyfrien is always going on trips/doing things and I feel really down cause I can't do them with him which makes me miss him more than I already do. I feel like I'm missing out on so much because I can't afford to do things. My friend invited me out tomorrow night but I don't even want to go because the thought of pay 15 for a cab ride just makes me stressed out.

 

So out of high school I figured I could go to college or a year, graduate, get a job I loved and work and make money and be happy. Not quite. As of now I have a graphic design certificate, varying feelings about the industry.. not really sure that I want a job in it anymore and now I have no idea what to do.

I have a full time job that I like, although the pay is not quite what I need.

I'm looking into other options to go back to school next year but a part of me is really afraid to go back.. I don't like to fail.

 

I was always good at high school. I was valedictorian. but I never considered myself to be that smart. I just think that college will be really hard and I don't know if I can handle it. Not to mention the cost of it! and what if I make a mistake and waste more money?? I just can't deal with that.

 

I pretty much just have my boyfriend and one friend where I live. My best friend and I have been drifting and my real best friend is moving to a city farther away in the fall so I don't even know how often I will see her. I miss my family a lot, too most of the time.

 

Plus, I've been feeling down about my relationship with my bf lately.. I'm not sure if it's justified or not.. doesn't seem to be by the way he reacts to what I say. I justdon't feel happy and like there's something not quite right about my life.

 

I want to rewind to last year at this time when I first met him and I was so happy all the time and life was good.

 

Now I am preparing to face the month of June alone. The thought sriously makes me want to cry right now. He will be off having fun, my friends will be having fun, and I'll be sitting alone in a big city where I can't go out and have fun because I can't afford it.

 

Ugh. I know I'm whining and complaining but that's what my journal is for right?