Why is it hard?

[Gilgamesh]

Why is it so hard to find your mate in life? Many say that the failures in the past will prepare you for the " one " but all I seem to be learning is a lesson in futility . because even if I do everything right, I still lose.

 

It shouldnt be this hard, Iam sure there are millions of single women that are just like me and would love nothing more than to have someone like me in their lives, and yet we probably pass each other in the streets oblivious to the fact that our perfect mate just walked by.

 

Iam not Tom Cruise but Iam not a dog either, Iam in essense what most women say they want in a man, and yet I find myself alone again.

 

How does one "find" a soul or life mate, many would say she will appear when you stop looking so hard, heck im hoping she will apear in this lifetime! Personals Ads, seem to hold some promise because most people wont waste their time saying they are something they are not, so in a way one can narrow down the choices. and improve your chances of finding someone as romantic and loving as oneself.

 

Right now, coming out of a bad breakup, where I was very badly treated, Iam not ready to love yet, because of the scars, i know they will heal, but wish there was a woman in the same situation to share in the healing process together, I need so much to be hugged and comforted, and have such a need to do this to another that it hurts.

 

In a way these forums are a way of doing just that, I help others with advice and ease their pain, and in return I receive support from others that read my posts and try to help out. but still wish I could actually hold anothers hand, or feel their warmth , hear their voices.

 

I want so much to love and be loved, and millions of others are in the same boat, yet we dont see each other when we pass each other in the street, there has got to be a better way than just "chance" .

[sisterlynch]

Most people don't know what they are looking for and don't know themself that well either. People are so busy talking about others that they never figure out what they really like about themselves and so they continually look for someone just like them, then when they find that they hate it too.

 

You need to understand your good qualities and your bad qualities and to be able to discuss both rationally to really get in touch with people on a soul to soul level.

 

Otherwise, we usually end up running from the truth. It is too dificult to have a relationship as it is now a days with out both of you being able to say the right things at the right time, and also biting your toungue when the truth could hurt your partner.

 

Be very aware of yourself and how you look to others, be open when others ask you difficult questions, don't try and fool people, because then they think you are using them.

 

Also expect the bad times and discuss how you will try to deal with ugly situations. Don't put on a false front that people can see into, but you cannot explain well.

[cookies]

I cant answer why its hard 4 us to find "the one" in our lives, but you dont lose each time u try, as your lessons re what it is taking you to be fully prepared for your future mate...Dont take any of your lessons in vain...

 

 

There are millions of ppl in this world hurting just as you do, or long 4 love as strongly as u do, but its uncommon for any of us to just walk up to strangers and say..im hurting, will u make my heart feel better? If we knew who our soulmates were, we would not go through the hardest of times, tears, almost giving up on life itself, as we wallow in sorrow and fear of losing out continually. Our pain and experiences is what helps us cherish our soulmates once they come into our lives...

 

OUr strength that slowly develops from within as we endure the pain is what will carry us through the long dark tunnel with the tears streaming down our faces...but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I still dont see it, but i know it exists. These are the trying times for you, me and millions of others, but if you lose confidence, how will you attract that potential partner that longs for everything you long for in life? AND....fills all of your needs, as well qualifications in a mate... Its there,...you just have to grit your teeth, cry if u must and deal with the pain in a better and more sophisticated way that wont affect your day to day living as much...

 

I know its tough, ive been doing it for years..but im managing...and i feel the same with myself, of having nearly every thing a man would want in a woman, but i refuse to "solicit" my finest qualities because i dont want to attract the wrong men into my life as i have in the past. When a gentleman shows no interest in me,...i am different from other ladies, and wont say "his loss" I respect the magnitism of love and understand that I just dont fit his interest...and try not to think anything of it...but think to myself of how VERY happy i will make the "one" that finds, and cherishes me. You must do the same...we all must...

 

How you find ur soulmate,..is something i ask myself and cant seem to find the answer. Somehow i know that answers lies within us as individuals. When ur ready to give in to the universe, and let it work its natural way of doing things,...order will come into play as ordained...

Ive given up on wandering..this or wandering "that"...Just put forth your best self, without trying to prove to anyone who or what you represent, and surely someone, the "right one" will pick up on your finer qualities that lies far beneath your physical attractiveness to them... thats what counts most...and is the hidden blessing in addition to the physical attributes. Its a connection that lies on many levels outside physical attractions... We all like attractive ppl, but its ts the ppl that stop at the physical beauty alone, instead of looking further,...are the ones that lose out...cheating themselves out of a wonderful future...so dont think that uve lost...when uve only begun really...

 

I feel the same many times, wishing that i had a "special" someone that would hold me, hold my hands, hear his voice and his overall warmth to sooth my pain, but in essense...the best and most appropraite way other than just "chance", is to either just give up on working too hard at it, and let it happen naturally...or put forth more effort and register on online dating sites, newspaper ads, or go to places the you know will attract alot of women, like shopping malls, grocery stores etc...

 

good luck

 

cookies

[pennywise1]

Gilgamesh,

 

I know what you are going through, and have asked myself some of those questions over the years. Over the last six months or so I was sure that I had found soulmate, but to despair, my relationship ended rather abruptly due to circumstances outside of my girlfriends an my control Although I still have hope for the future with her, I cant help but to begin asking those same questions again. I still can not believe how hard it has been on me.

 

Visiting this website however has been very helpful though and although none of the posters can provide the intimacy that we both yearn for, they can provide some pretty great unbiased advice, which is something that our friends and family can not do.

 

Just as cookies said, there are millions of people hurting just like you and I. ALthough I would not wish this pain on anyone, it has been comforting to know that there are others out there feeling equally as bad as I do and that I am not alone.

 

As far as your questions go, I can not really help that much as I am searching for answers myself. Sisterlynch and cookies have offered some good advice though and I take some of it away with me even thogh they were responding to your post. Hope you dont mind.

 

Lastly, as far as what you have to do to find your soulmate. I will tell you this, the best relationships that I have had were with woman that I met when I was NOT looking. I dont believe that we should just wait around for them to come a knocking at the door, but my experience at least tells me that there is some truth to that saying of if you look TOO hard you wont find her.

[Crushed]

Gilg

These things do prepare you for the one. As much as this has been the most painfull experience in my life, I know how much I've learned about myself. I think I have a pretty good idea of what I want and what I want in a partner. Sadly I still think I found most of those qualities in the one who broke my heart. But while I hope somehow I will get back together with her I'm glad I went through this imense pain as it forced me to really look at my life. I went through a mid-life crises at 27. I am a better person for it. But as I say that it still doesn't take away the sadness that I feel.

It's really so hard when your a caring person. Not to be loved. It seems like you guys, and I know myself love to love someone. I'm not saying that it's all that it's about just loving someone. But when you find that special person it makes you happy to make them happy. I could make myself much happier by bringing a smile to her face than by doing something nice for myself. I miss that. I miss holding her and hugging her I miss not being able to, as the song goes, shower the people you love with love. BUt I've got to believe that these things DO happen for a reason so you will be ready. You won't make the same mistakes. You won't put up with the same treatment. You wont, whatever it was that was a problem before. But I hope all these things I'm saying are true. I refuse to believe otherwise. I have too much love to give to let it get wasted without finding the one.

 

I don't know if I addressed anything you asked, it just got me thinking and all this came out. I hope your doing better, and I hope we all find what we truly deserve, happiness.

 

Crushed.