what's up with my wife??

[KonaScott]

Trying to make this as factual as possible to get the most out of this post…

I am a 39 year old male with the same old story with regards to sex and my wife….hardly any to speak of. It’s been at least (3) months since the last time we made love. Before that it was (3) months, and before that it was (6) months. She professes to enjoy sex but seemingly has to be plastered to do it. We’ve been married for over 10 years now and the situation has progressively been getting worse especially after having our second child four years ago. We separated about 3 years ago and reconciled after 4 months with some marriage counseling. The separation was initiated by me due to similar circumstances and our marriage had been better up until about a year and half ago. Since I moved back in, she has gained approximately 50lbs and developed psoriasis which leaves her with sores on different locations on her body. Not the most attractive thing in the world, but I am willing to look past it and have told her so as I do still love her. We have talked about her weight numerous times and she hems and haws and ultimately does nothing about it. She also has been to the doctor for her skin condition but I am not sure if she regularly applies the medication. I’m not sure what she is trying to do here, but it kinda seems she has no interest in addressing my needs and is trying to push me away. I try to do the best I can like cleaning up after the kids, dropping them off at school sometimes, taking them out for hours at a time on weekends and some weekdays, doing a ton of stuff around the house on weekends, and not going out but maybe once every six months for a drink with a friend. Overall our relationship is good and we often times have a few laughs with the kids, but there is always this “thing” right below the surface with me that my needs aren’t being met.

 

What seems to be a recurring theme recently is that I have come home to find her laying in bed at 4:45 in the afternoons watching TV. Today I had had it. I am very upfront when expressing myself and do not shy away from making my feelings known so I asked her what she had done after I dropped off my second child at school? She said she took a shower then went and picked him up. Huh?? What happened to the other two hours? That was it for me. Our fridge is empty and things need to be done around the house for goodness sake!! Without getting heated, I let her know that things needed to change with regard to everything…sex, drinking, weight management, time management, etc. I asked her to remember what we had gone through before when we separated the first time. Wanna know what her response was? There wasn’t one.

 

I don’t know what to think here…all I know is that my feelings for her seem to be fading.

[RedDress]

I think you need to go back to councilling (maybe a different one). I won't pretend that my advice is better than a councillor's.

 

In the meantime (just from your post) you seem to be trying to negatively motivate her: ie: trying to get her to lose weight by telling her she is fat. Getting her to do stuff by telling her that she is lazy. For me at least? That may work at first, but it's not gonna last long. You think I'm lazy? Why bother doing anything then? You think I'm fat? Well... then you aren't attracted to me. I don't want to have sex with someone who is not attracted to me.

 

For me sex (and unfortunately weight) ties directly into my emotions. If I feel happy, I am energetic and randy. If I feel upset - gimme a bag of chips and lead me to the couch.

 

What was the last thing you did to make her feel pretty? Yes, helping out with the kids and everything reduces stress - but it doesn't do anything for her as a woman. When was the last time that you bought her flowers? Or took her dancing? Or touched the small of her back as she was entering a room?

 

I know it's a lot harder when you have kids. And there is the possibility that she just doesn't like sex (how was the first 5 years of your marriage? When was the last time your sexual relationship was satisfying?)

 

I think you need to use positive reinforcement and lead by example. Take up a sport of your own! Show her how much fun you are having and how great you feel! Tell her that YOU want to start eating healthier - and do it! You will inspire her. That is MUCH more valuable.

 

Tell her she is sexy. Buy her some lingerie. Buy her flowers. Show her how irresistible she is. Show her how much you want her.

 

THESE are the things, IMO, that help.

[hexaemeron]

No offense to RedDress, but this isn't his fault. He's doing everything he can to be a positive, responsible, attentive father and partner. What more is he supposed to do? Shower her with praise she frankly doesn't deserve? I certainly hope not.

 

OP, I'm really sorry. I know this is hard, but it really says something when you say that she's not attentive to your needs, when really, why are you expecting anything different when she isn't even attentive to her own needs? You know, not stuffing her face with food and taking an active interest in well... anything up to an including the gaping flesh wounds covering her body?

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to be in this marriage and the familiar gloominess and malaise of "staying for the kids" is causing her to basically not give a crap about anything in her life, not even herself.

 

Frankly, I'd tell her that if she's serious about her marriage, then she needs to step up and do something. But, in all honestly, that probably won't work and you'll just separate again, which might be for the best.

[KonaScott]

Thanks for the reply and you're right that in regards to my post, I guess it does seem like I am negatively trying to motivate her. Of course, in writing it, things aren't mentioned that maybe should be. To address some of your questions, I've written some things below.

 

Flowers - I buy flowers for her sporadically but at least once a month.

 

Touch - A topic that I brought up during our counseling was physical touch and how it wasn't a part of our relationship. I do those things often.

 

Sports - I weight train at least three to four times a week during lunch at work and when not 15-20lbs overweight, I run half-marathons. I'm working on dropping the weight now to start training for another. I have done this in the past to with no positive or negative results in her lifestyle, but we'll see if what happens this time.

 

Lazy - She is a great mom and does things often with our kids during the week, and I know that doing it day in and day out isn't an easy thing. Sure, every Mom and Dad has a right to be lazy every now and again because of all they do for their kids, but I don't know if laying in bed is the answer. I just feel like things need to get done and if she doesn't do her share then ultimately I will end up doing it.

 

Sex - Don't know if she ever really liked it, but she says she has and still does. Who is going to say no to a question like that though? I suppose that our sex life has been dwindling since day one.

[metrogirl]

I wonder if she is suffering from depression.

 

People that are depressed tend to let themselves go, sleep more and essentially back away from spouses.

[doityourself]

It does sound like depression, but I agree with Hex it doesnt give her the right to shut down on you, you still are an active part of this relationship and its only fair to you that she put in as much as you. Sounds like she has given up.

 

Is there alot of arguing?

[KonaScott]

There's not a whole lot of arguing going on...she does shut me down by either not saying anything or tries to derail my concerns by painting them as either ridiculous or unfounded in her eyes. It's weird, whenever I want to talk about our issues, which I think many women would find a nice thing, she just tunes it out. Even if she does hear me, it's like she not really processing the info. I'm at my wits end.

[hexaemeron]

There's not a whole lot of arguing going on...she does shut me down by either not saying anything or tries to derail my concerns by painting them as either ridiculous or unfounded in her eyes. It's weird, whenever I want to talk about our issues, which I think many women would find a nice thing, she just tunes it out. Even if she does hear me, it's like she not really processing the info. I'm at my wits end.

 

Yeah, sounds like she's just totally checked out.

[CatsMeeoow]

Sounds like my fiances first marriage.... he worked a ton of hours, came home to a filthy house, took care of the two kids, cleaned the house, did the yard work and was lucky if he got laid and then when he did she just laid there stone cold unresponsive... she spent her days sitting in front of the tv watching Dr Phil and Oprah and whatever else was on tv when she wasn't sleeping.

 

She had gained a lot of weight and had blamed that for the reason she didn't feel sexy enough to have a better intimate life with him...

 

So.... he paid $13,000 because that is what she wanted so she could get her boobs done and a tummy tuck.... and a year later she'd gained all the weight back and he still didn't get laid...

 

He tried counseling but she wouldn't actively participate.

 

Certainly not something I approve of and he knows my feelings on this but after years of not having any emotional intimacy he started looking for it elsewhere... she knew and she stayed because she was too lazy to leave. She liked her life of being required to do nothing and making a good living at it... My fiance finally broke... he so never wanted to be an ex husband or a part time dad but you have to realize you can only do so much.

 

His first wife never thought he'd leave her... she banked on the fact that his parents were still married and her parents were still married.

 

All I'm saying is that YES you made a commitment to your partner for better or worse but at what point when you've supported her all you could and she refuses to help herself do you go down with the ship?

 

My fiance can't believe how happy and emotionally satisfied he is and I think if he were giving you this advice he would tell you he stayed way longer than he should have... he didn't realize how much he was missing out on till he truly moved on.

 

Good luck to you.

[doityourself]

There's not a whole lot of arguing going on...she does shut me down by either not saying anything or tries to derail my concerns by painting them as either ridiculous or unfounded in her eyes. It's weird, whenever I want to talk about our issues, which I think many women would find a nice thing, she just tunes it out. Even if she does hear me, it's like she not really processing the info. I'm at my wits end.

 

I guess you have to make a big decision then. Is this woman someone you want to continue to have a relationship with? Is she being far to you? Are you still in love with eachother, do you still get excited when you see her? Does she want to work on her problems and the problems you guys have together?

 

Really take the time to sit and think about what it would be like for you to be seperated, try and invision your life without eachother. Everytime I think about my relationship and maybe it not living up to my standards, this is what I do. I guess does the good outweigh the bad. If you still want to be with her and love her, then sit her down and tell her, this is whats going on, and you need to do this or we got to take it to the next level.

 

I wish you luck

[livinginsbi]

I think your last sentence sums it up pretty well. Your feelings for her seem to be fading and she either knows that or is sensing it... and what did you do before.. initiated a separation...so what do you think she's anticipating this time?

 

I'm sorry, I know that you wanted your post to sound factual, but to me, it sounds very 'me, me, me' and not like a man who has an unconditional love for his wife and wants her to get better for her sake... and if I can get that from your post, I can imagine what your wife is getting up close and personal.

 

developed psoriasis which leaves her with sores on different locations on her body. Not the most attractive thing in the world, but I am willing to look past it and have told her so as I do still love her.

 

You actually told her this? She has a medical condition, that I'm sure doesn't make her feel very attractive, not to mention the physical pain that can come with psoriasis and you tell her you're 'willing to look past it' like she has a choice? That's just one comment that stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

 

I'll bet she is depressed and very well could use some professional help, of course, she will need to agree to it... but in the mean time, why don't you take some time WITH her, take life with an US approach. When you come home from work, take her by the hand and say, hey, lets go take the kids for walk... or before you leave for work....tell her, let's go grocery shopping tonight. These small things could have a good impact.