Is this an example of G.I.G.S? What the hell is this man thinking?!?!

[Imwstupid]

Long story short... We were together for 3 years, had our fair shair of problems, due to circumstances beyond our control the relationship didn't have much of a chance really, he ended it... What has been so difficult to get over is the timing of the break up and his post break up behavior.

 

He ended our relationship almost exactly 2 weeks after our 3 year anniversary. We had recently begun serious discussions of marriage and I was in the process of moving in with him. He used the familiar "I love you but I am not in love with you" and we both just needed a "break"...

2 weeks post break up: maybe we just need to see other people (he already was, someone I knew as his coworker and "just a friend", he told her he loved her 10 days after our break up)

1 month: we are officially over, and have no chance of getting back together (she met his parents)

2 months: he is so confused, needs some time apart to figure things out, he wants to miss me (they spend the holidays together)

6 months: he misses me, do I think if 6 months from now his feelings change (he falls back in love with me) that I would be open to working things out with him. (she moves in with him)

8 months: he still misses me, he tries to forget but things persist

9 months (this weekend): he continues to be attracted to me physically and sexually, and we need to stop spending time together. He thinks of me so frequently in this way that it bothers him, and feels guilty bc of his relationship. We are to different and will never work out, but would I be up to a night or weekend of "going at it" with him in order to get it out of our systems.

 

A bit more background info... He is a very "Americanized" east Indian, 9 years my senior, never been married or even engaged. His new girlfriend is also east Indian, the first he has ever dated. We have remained very active in each other's lives post break up (despite the new gf). The longest period of NC being 3 weeks, he attemps to communicate with me each time I initiate it. Continued to be intimate up until a couple of months ago when I moved to a dif city, often staying the night at my place with out being intimate (despite new gf). He bought me bday and xmas presents and has sent me well wishes on each holiday. He confides in me things I know he doesn't her, and admits I know him better than anyone, and looks at me the same way as when he did love me. Yet he maintains that he doesn't love me, this discission was made from the heart, and is what is best for everyone. He cried when we broke up, cried on about 4 separate occasions when disscussing our break, most recently being 2 weeks ago.

 

I on the other hand have displayed every behavior synonymous with the "psycho ex gf", calls, texts, emails, the whole bit, lol... I am fine one minute and a mess the next all of which I feel the need to share with him. I have done NC, then panic if he stops trying to reach out to me. I have tried push pull, then flake out. I haven even tried making him jealous, which has worked without the intended result.

 

I believe if I can better understand what he is thinking, and or why he does this, then I will be more equiped to handle it appropriatley. It would be nice to think that we still have a chance together, but I am realistic enough to know that it's a stretch.

 

Please help...

[metrogirl]

He wants to sleep with you and share his life with her.

[SapphireNoir10]

He wants to have his cake and eat it. HE can have his serious relationship with her and have you as well.

 

Dont let him do this.

[Imwstupid]

Yes, and I would completely agree with you both, if the sole basis of our current relationship was sex. But it isn't, HONESTLY, we haven't had sex in months, and he confides in me things I know he doesn't with her.

[SapphireNoir10]

Then, ask yourself honestly, why isnt he with you? Why does he want to be with you and with her?

[Taikero]

Sounds like he's emotionally cheating with you on her, and he wants to have some physical fun on top of that. Win-win for him, but what's in it for you?

[Cadence44]

He will marry her and seek to have you on the side. As everyone else has said, cut him off now. You will only be hurt more as time goes on.

[lavenderdove]

It sounds like perhaps his current relationship is more acceptable to him and his parents for whatever reason, but he is attached to you. He knows he doesn't want to marry you, but enjoys both you and this other woman and will string this along as long as you let him.

 

What happens is that you've been his security blanket while he has been building a relationship with this new woman. He is phasing you out while he is phasing her in. Once she is fully phased in, you won't hear from him again, or only if you're willing to put up with getting next to nothing out of it other than meetings when he's in the mood for it, that he can get away with without getting caught by the new girlfriend.

 

I suspect from what you've said that he thinks this girlfriend is a better fit for him and his family in terms of compatibility, but he likes the s-e-x with you better (or in addition to her as well).

 

I think you are wasting your time with him... he keeps getting more and more serious with this other woman, while tapering out with you, in fact insulting you be saying he doesn't love you and knows it isn't going anywhere, but is willing to use you for a weekend to try to 'get it out of his system'...

 

You need to just dump him entirely and say you don't want to see or hear from him again unless he is willing to break up with this girl and get back with you. You have nothing left to say if he's not willing to do that. And if he doesn't miss you enough to leave this other girl for you, then all you're doing is being his security blanket and girl on the side while he solidifies a new relationship with someone else. There's nothing in that for you, better to spend your time looking for a new boyfriend who doesn't treat you badly like this.

[Imwstupid]

I guess I have been telling myself that due to the concerns he has about our relationship (my temper), that she can offer him something that I can't right now, but once he see's that I can change and learn to control my temper, that he will come to his senses and come back... LOL, it sounds so ridiculous now that I've actually written it out.

 

He is with her because she is safe, and it makes sense (he said it himself)... She is the first Indian women he has dated, his parents love it (I'm sure), and they don't fight (according to him). But something is obviously missing or he would not still be hanging on to me. Right? It was my hope that that something missing, the spark we have, would come to mean more to him than whatever it is she can offer him

 

There doesn't seem to be much of anything in it for right now, but I was willing to suffer and sacrifice for what I thought to be true love. Everyone makes mistakes, I made a ton while we were together, and was doing for him what I would want someone to do for me. Not give up...

 

Cadence, what you said was like a punch to my gut, and mirrored my thoughts and fears.

[Cadence44]

Cadence, what you said was like a punch to my gut, and mirrored my thoughts and fears.

 

I'm sorry sweetie. It really really sucks. Like Lavender said, it sounds like his new relationship is moving fast and that his parents support it.

 

I think the only thing to do now is to prevent further pain for yourself and cut him off immediately. Stop speaking to him and answering correspondence. Perhaps a world without you will cause him to re-think things.

 

Whatever happens, don't talk to him unless you know for sure that he's no longer with her. Work on getting him out of your heart and finding someone who loves you for you and who is willing to give you 100% of himself. He doesn't deserve you.

[Imwstupid]

You are so right!!! Everything you said was spot on, I just never wanted to admit it to myself. In fact I am pretty sure he did the same thing to a "friend" of his when we started dating...

 

Okay... So question #2 is, how do I do it? How do I break free from this man who I feel quite addicted to? How do I stop the panic that sets in every time i've tried in the passed?

 

He and I have been back and forth with the "leave me alones" so many times that he probably won't take me seriously. I just didn't want it to end like this... I wanted him to feel the impact that I had on his life and miss me, but it seems as though I have in some ways become a nuisance to him.

[lavenderdove]

I have known lots of Indians in my work, and they may date outside their culture but 99.9% of them will marry someone chosen for them by their parents, and within their own caste/culture/religion. So many will have romances, but when it comes time to marry, they will go with their own culture, and do what their parents tell them to do when it comes to choosing a bride.

 

So he probably knows he is going to marry a person within his own culture that his parents have chosen or agree to, and though he may feel pulled in your direction, he will not go against that tradition.

 

The only way he will feel the impact of you on his life is if you refuse to have anything to do with him. Tell him you will not speak to him again unless he agrees to break up with the other woman and get serious with you. If he calls for anything less than that, don't talk to him.

 

Sadly, he most likely will eventually marry within his own culture, and who his parents say. You probably didn't have a chance from the beginning, and all his 'excuses' are just nonsense when the real reason is a huge cultural difference.