First Time Post - Broken Engagement...

[benchmark1]

This sight has been a great help. Thought I would make my first post.

 

I was engaged to be married up until about a month ago. My fiancee broke off the engagement and said she just didn't think we would work out in the long run because of ongoing problems. Funny thing was not long before this she had done the same thing then said she realized she was making a huge mistake and she wanted to go forward with the wedding.

 

It still hurts and I am coming here looking for advice...

 

I have already initiated NC. She wanted to stay friends even though she decided she was going to move away. Her family has talked to me and says she has cut off communication with them too. I'm just not sure how to take her. After I said I was done talking for good she texts me the next day talking about the old days and how she misses me...I don't answer. She then texts me the next night saying she needs to stop by the house so I tell her I will leave because I don't feel its good we see each other. She said we don't have to talk, but she would like to see me one last final time. Why would I want to put myself through that and why would she want to put me through that??? I said no (I broke NC at this point) and I feel it's best if we move on with our lives. She said she can't believe I would throw what we had away and erase me out of her memory. I didn't say anything and her last text to me was I wouldn't hear from her for a long time but hopefully I would talk to her or want to see her down the road.

 

What does this all mean and why is she acting like this? She is the one that broke everything off and said she was going to move away...

[mmmd]

she's trying to feel less guilty. or she's flakey. or a whole host of other reasons.

 

just keep on ignoring her. it's about your happiness, not hers.

[annie24]

she is the one throwing you away, if she chose to break off the engagement instead of going to counseling. she should deal with the consequences (that you are moving on and cutting her out of your life). makes sense to me!

[Clarity]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

As someone who has made it through a broken engagement, all I can tell you is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In some ways, not getting married to my ex-fiance is one of the best things that's happened in my life. I think it would have been a mistake. Take solace in the fact that you probably dodged quite a bullet.

 

As far as meeting her, I would not do it unless YOU want to and you feel you will get something that you NEED out of it. Otherwise, NC is the way to go. Lean on friends and family.

 

I wish you strength.

[DN]

What were the problems that led to the break-up?

[Seymore]

She said she can't believe I would throw what we had away and erase me out of her memory. I didn't say anything and her last text to me was I wouldn't hear from her for a long time but hopefully I would talk to her or want to see her down the road.

 

What does this all mean and why is she acting like this? She is the one that broke everything off and said she was going to move away...

 

Begging her pardon, but who broke off the engagement?!? This coupled with the fact that she's cut off her family alludes that she's flipped her lid but good...

 

And I'm assuming you meant "erase her out of my memory"...

[benchmark1]

yeah i meant to say erase her of out my memory. thank you for the feedback. part of me wants to message her back and say yeah i miss those time too, but i know it is not going to get me anymore. i am relying on my friends and family to help me get through this.

 

the weird part about it all is she is so close with her family and now she's not all of a sudden. her parents still talk to me and her siblings want me to go hang out with them because they are so upset with what she did. i guess sometimes you don't really know who people are - thankfully we weren't married before i realized it.

 

as far as to why it happened - i am not really sure. she was getting some hints from work about moving away for a better job. i just bought a house for us to start a family in and have a very good job so moving was out of the question (we talked about this beforehand). i've asked her if she was seeing someone but she swears up and down she isn't or wasn't. the best answer i could get out of her was she really didn't things were going to work, she lost the "spark", and she wasn't happy...i think there is more to it than that, but i don't know. the wedding was fast approaching so i'm not sure if she got cold feet or if there is truly someone else she is seeing and i will probably never know and cannot let myself go there.

[DN]

I agree you are fortunate this happened before and not after the wedding. Sounds like it could be GIGS.

[AutumnBorn]

Benchmark, don't torture yourself with questioning her motives. If you have no idea why she would break things off, you have to assume the best, not the worst. Without proof there was or is anyone else, you have to trust the person you knew.

 

The two of you should have gone into counseling the first time the engagement was broken. That was a clear sign things were not right, whatever the reason given at the time. I think pre-marital counseling should be required before marriage, just to make sure every single couples topic and expectation is brought up and discussed.

 

Let me be the first to ask you - how could this have come as a surprise to you? What complaints or issues had she brought up before? Did you two have a repeating theme in your arguments? What reason did she give for breaking it off the first time?