Boyfriend threatens suicide? Normal or not?

[botticelli]

I'm not too sure what I can do about my situation, or how anyone can help me. I guess i would just like to hear other opinions.

 

Basically I am in a very loving relationship with my boyfriend. It's everything we both ever wanted and we feel that we are perfect for each other/ compatible in every way and would like to get married soon. (We are engaged)

 

But the thing is, he has said many times that I'm his only motivation for living.. I don't know if this is normal or not.

 

If I ever am feeling upset by any small detail of my day, I'm too scared to show it.. because sometimes he becomes very depressed and suicidal saying he's not good enough for me if he can't keep me happy..

 

I think it's sweet that he cares so much but I'm terrified of making a wrong move. I feel extremely pressured thinking that someday I'll disappoint him and he wont have a will to live anymore.

 

I've tried hiding my feelings, or retreating to a different room whenever I'm upset by anything, but it's hopeless. He always knows when something's wrong.

 

Extra info: He was also suicidal before i met him.. once we started falling in love that went away a lot. And for the most part he is now a very happy person who loves to smile and make jokes all the time. There are just those few moments when my temper is less than perfect that his depression returns and he says I would be happier without him and says he wants to kill himself.. (I need to beg and cry for several minutes before he becomes rational again...)

 

Any opinions/comments would be very appreciated!

[Sunny1607307996]

As someone who has been suicidal and depressed before in a relationship, I can say this with the utmost honestly.

 

You cannot have a HEALTHY romantic relationship with someone who threatens suicide (much less a marriage!). You just can't. You cannot be their only reason to live. Their most important maybe, but not the only. It's too much pressure for one person to bear.

 

He needs to get real help. He needs to talk to someone other than you about his problems. He needs to really work on himself and making himself happy completely independent of you.

 

If he cannot make himself happy/find other people or things to make him happy, your relationship is doomed.

 

I ruined many, many happy/perfect relationships by being suicidal and depressed. My high school sweetheart left me because the pressure of keeping me alive was just too much. It wasn't until he left me where I hit rock bottom and decided I really needed to get professional help. It wasn't until I got into therapy that I had a real healthy relationship, free of all the suicidal drama.

 

I urge you to get him professional help. No, it's not normal for him to act this way.

[_Asti_]

Definitely not normal!

This is your partner! You should be able to talk to him about how you're feeling, you shouldn't have to sensor your words, or walk on eggshells, and live in fear. Its almost like a method of control, or manipulation, and even abuse. An abused person lives in fear, instead of threatning violence or the fear of violence, he tells you he will kill himself.

 

That is not a healthy/normal relationship.

 

He needs to seek some help...it will take its toll and you and your relationship. He shouldn't have to live like this, and you shouldn't have to be in a relationship with someone who is this way.

 

He survived without you in his life prior, he will surivive the future if its without you. Someone who throws that threat around to me, uses it as a form of guilt.

[abitbroken]

He is being very manipulative. I would not marry this man unless you went to counseling together first - and him on his own. This is going to be a lifetime full of woe if this is not addressed. Also, you may want to examine if this is a healthy relationship for you living on eggshells.

 

I had an ex boyfriend who threatened to quit school and quit his life, etc, if i left. And you know what - i left him and he eventually graduated.

[botticelli]

What you guys are saying makes a lot of sense. I guess it is somewhat manipulative.. but I don't think i can bear to leave him. What if he ends up killing himself? I couldn't deal with the guilt of it.

 

And I know he isn't consciously trying to threaten me. He is sincerely worried about not making me happy.. and when he sees that I'm not happy he feels like he is failing the only thing he cares about *That's what he says, at least*

 

I don't want to ruin our relationship for this.. i don't know what to do..

[kodak]

Tell him that he can make you happy by going to serious therapy. Not therapy for occasional depression, but some ongoing, serious psychotherapy because he sounds like someone with personality issues, and not just a sensitive guy prone to depression.

 

You have to think seriously about the longterm.... marriage is forever, and thru out life we all have problems, life brings us problems, and if you're busy walking on eggshells and he's busy threatening suicide every time real life pops up, well, honestly, the two of you have no future.

 

Frankly, I think he should go to individual therapy and you should also go to couples counseling together, because by allowing his issues to control your behavior, you're behaving rather codependently, which in turn (although unintentionally), reinforces his psychological unhealthiness.

 

Conscious intention on either of your parts isn't the point here at all.... if you two want to build a true future, a real solid healthy lasting relationship, things must change.

[botticelli]

Thank you very much. All your posts were very insightful and i will be looking into therapy.

[catfeeder]

[...] I guess it is somewhat manipulative.. but I don't think i can bear to leave him. What if he ends up killing himself? I couldn't deal with the guilt of it. [...]

 

Then he's got you right where he wants you. That's not 'somewhat' manipulative, it's over the top. He's got you walking on eggshells afraid to sneeze the wrong way. How long do you believe you can keep that up without starting to resent the hell out of him?

 

What starts our seeming like a romantic dependency turns into a trap pretty quickly. You can't play lover and therapist at the same time, it doesn't work. It will deplete your life force and keep you miserable.

 

The guy needs help, and you're not the one who can give it to him.

[Sunny1607307996]

Then he's got you right where he wants you. That's not 'somewhat' manipulative, it's over the top. He's got you walking on eggshells afraid to sneeze the wrong way. How long do you believe you can keep that up without starting to resent the hell out of him?

 

What starts our seeming like a romantic dependency turns into a trap pretty quickly. You can't play lover and therapist at the same time, it doesn't work. It will deplete your life force and keep you miserable.

 

The guy needs help, and you're not the one who can give it to him.

 

This exactly.

 

I'm not one to dismiss suicide lightly- it does happen. But you need to know that you can't be held responsible for his actions. And he is controlling you by the guilt of what if - I doubt he's doing it intentionally but it's still being done.

 

Please know that you need to get him into counseling, and the idea of couples counseling as well is a great idea. As someone who has been in the same position as your boyfriend (although I hope, not quite as manipulative, but I digress) you simply cannot be his lover and his therapist. Sounding board, yes. Someone to vent to, yes. Someone to help him feel better after a bad day, yes. But he really, really needs some else to help him sort out his funky brain processes and fix them. You cannot do it for him. He has to do it himself with the help of a therapist.

[minou]

I agree with the responses so far. Also, encourage him to explore a CODA group. He really needs it.

[DawnT]

Hi bottacelli, I know exactly what you're going through, but in my case, I am the suicidal one. While I know it is unrational and unreasonable for me to do so, every time my boyfriend and I get into an argument or talk about what it would be like to be apart, i get upset and suicidal feeling. I have had depression and suicidal attempts for basically 14 years now, ever since I was 14. After a lot of time thinking about it and trying to find things to make myself happy, I know this is not right. It is manipulative and selfish of me to keep my boyfriend dating me just because he doesn't want me to kill myself. I have let him know that while I do have a lot of problems with depression, and he is the best thing in my life; I am still working on finding other things in my life to make me happy, and that I will not kill myself if we break up. It's an unfair strain on the relationship, as well as a form of emotional black mail. You need to explain this to him. That while you love him, he needs to love himself and his life too. If he can't then he really can't be in a relationship at all. Hope that helps a little.