Ok Got A Red Flag

[Alec]

Alright, before I get started let me state that I have currently finished discussing this with my friends, and thinking about it. I have read a book over the past few days entitled "The 10 Commandments of Dating." An insightful read I would recommend it to any christian to solidify a relationship. What my problem is is that after having read it I am extremely concerned the path that my ex-girlfriend is on. So with that said let's begin.

 

The Situation - Alright about 5 days ago my girlfriend informed me that she could no longer have a boyfriend or be in that kind of relationship with me. Let it be known that she has moved several times before coming to my town earlier this year. Her last move was from a big city near here where she went to a private school. There she had a boyfriend named for the sake of the internet "Tom". Anyways, Tom was a very good friend to her and helped her through the rough time of her dad leaving her to be with another woman. (She had been raised by her dad, not her mom for the past 16 years). After her dad left her, her mom came and got her and brought her to my town at the beginning of this past school year. She was still dating Tom. Tom, once she moved, and possibly even before that cheated on her at minimum, 3 times. Cheated as in had sex with 3 other girls. Tom is a partier, a classic American Teenager. She is a devout christian, practices abstinence, and does not party, drink, or do drugs. Needless to say she was deeply hurt by this. From December to February they were off and on until finally she said she could take no more. Which leads up to where she finally gets into the dating process again in April. She goes out on a few dates and hangs out with a friend of mine to meet people. My friend, is a partier (not a drinker or drug user, a christian) but still not her type. He sort of led her on and hurt her feelings rather deeply. For that next week she was a lame duck, depressed, but still wanted to hang out with people. I eventually coaxed her to that friends birthday party where we went out to a dance hall. I danced with her, had fun, and that is where we hit it off. Well to sum it up we dated each other from May to June, (5 days ago). I listened to her, helped her, and guided her to a church and a loving family which she badly needed. But, this past weekend for reasons i'm still iffy about, she called me and told me the news that she couldn't date me, and said couldn't date ANYONE.

Here is the current problem. So Thursday (3 days after breakup) I ask her, you know how have things been. She tells me OK, just some family problmes (such as they mihgt not be able to move into their new house due to realtor trouble). So I ask if she had confronted Tom (which during the breakup she had said she was confused about him and her feelings). She said yes, that her, her friends, him, and her family had gone to see Harry Potter on Wednesday night. I immediately call her and tell her my freelings of NO, that is not right you cannot go back to him, it's just not right. She told me she knows what i'm talking about and that everyone tells her that, but then her tone went sarcastic when she said "It's not like anything is going on, we just went to the movies as friends, I haven't seen him in 4 months, come on". So, in the back of my mind I know that she might not be wanting to date him, or go back to him, but I know she is trying to go back to her past since her present situation at home isn't that great.

I'm trying to be a carrying and loving friend, but i'm not sure exactly what to do. My only solution currently right now is to give her the book I read "The Ten Commandments of Dating." Which I hope will make her realize that he isn't the right kind of guy to go back to, and help her solve her problems, fears of course from all of these relationships that have ended badly, her constant moving, her father abandoning her, the house not w*orking out etc... She constantly tells me that she doesn't want to hurt me, and doesn't know what she can do to help me deal with this (the breakup) I really want to confront her and tell her it would help a great deal if you would simply talk to me in a non-stressful environment (such as go eat lunch or something) so that I can understand and help you (also give me a chance to give her the book.

In conclusion, (I know this is long sorry), how should I approach this situation. What should I do to show her that I truthfully care, am concerned, but AM FIRM THAT SHE SHOULD NOT GO BACK TO HIM. Any help would be appreciated.

[Alec]

Well hmm, that's not exactly the kind of support I was looking for

[RayKay]

Alright, well how about I take a stab at it...though take it with a grain of salt. I am sure you are waiting for a response from someone though!

 

Given her experiences, it sounds like your ex/friend is very insecure about herself, and also very possible she has very jaded views on love and what it is like to really be loved. Maybe she does not feel "good enough" to be deserving of the good love from a "real man" (such as yourself. If she expects disappointment, she cannot be too surprised when it happens, you know.

 

Her ex that cheated on her does sound like a jerk, and I can definitely understand your concern. Problem is he has probably manipulated her emotionally to the point where she still feels "dependent" on him which is masking itself as "love". While he may have not physically abused her...from your explanation I would say there is a lot of emotional/verbal abuse in that relationship.

 

As to what you can do, I would approach her calmy, or maybe in a letter, since you are friends still (sorry it did not work out between you two, but you never know in future....sometimes we break it off with people we are most scared of falling for..believe it or not!) and voice your concerns. If she is determined to get back together with him there is not much you can do - but she will get her heart broken again if she does. I hope they can BOTH go to counselling if they choose to do this over again, but it seems like her ex enjoys having someone under his control like that.

 

Honestly, I think she needs some time on her own - OUTSIDE of a relationship for a while. She needs to learn she does not need to settle, that she is a strong person who should not take that crap from someone else. She does not NEED anyone else, only then can she truly be with someone else. I think everyone needs at some point in their life to learn to be on their own and become more independent before they can commit (this is what my own ex is going through right now, though he is aware of it) and I really think your ex could benefit from some solo counselling whatever happens, and learn to love herself. Only then will she know she can demand respect and deserve the very best - and that no one should take advantage of her as she has been with her past exes.

 

Best of luck.

[Alec]

Good, appreciate it though I would be greatly thankful for a few more responses. Well I've been thinking about it for the past 2 days. I told her last night that I had something I really need to talk to her about, for her to to msg me or leave me a voice mail of when she can talk to me (She is currently in that other city and I'm personally tired of always cathching her at a time when she's doing something). So here is my plan.

 

1) Talk to her calmly outlining that everytime I talk to her she is busy and that I know it's just the stress of everything but I really think it would be best if I did not call or message her rarely if anymore. If she needs something I would like her to come to me, because everytime I check up on her she is busy and I don't get more than a 15 minute conversation. During this talk I also want to outline that I really believe that she should not seek out any relationship with her ex, nor me. That she needs no boyfriend (she told me herself she can't have a boyfriend right now, and it would contradict that if she was even remotely thinking about dating her ex). I know she understands that everyone is concerned she'll get hurt again I don't really need to emphasize that. I just want to sum up those things in that conversation and tell her that I'll give her that book I was reading on monday.

 

2) I will not message her anymore for at minimum of 5 days with the exception of if my friends decide to go bowling wednesday night it would help her if she escaped not only the stress of the day to day life but also being in that other town, which if she over-dose I think would be unhealthy for her emotionally.

 

3) If she messages me I will talk to her during the week, if not I'll be fine. Next saturday if she has not messaged me I will message her once checking up on her, and if a conversation insues ask if she would like to go to church again (she needs this desperately).

 

That's all i have right now