gay alcoholic, in love w/straights

[dxwxman]

Hello,

 

I'm a 31 year old gay male living in the Metro Washington, DC area. I've known that I've been gay since a very, very young age, but did not "come out of the closet" until just before I turned 25 years old. I came out to a straight friend who I was in love with, and had absolutely no idea any of this was coming. He didn't really reject me right away, but it was the start of the end of our friendship. Alcoholism caused me to do stupid things, including telling him that I had HIV when I don't, to try and get sympathy from him. I was desparate, because I knew I was losing him. Now, he is living in Boise, ID and has suspended all communication with me for the last 4 years. I think the end of our friendship was over alcohol, he, being a non-alcoholic, thinking I could just stop drinking and I choose my own fate. I was overly clingy with him in the 1998-2000 time frame. The loss of his friendship hurts a great deal.

 

This is not the first time this has happened. I have repeatidly befriended men that I am attracted to, and tune out the world to be with them. The first time was in High School... this one ended by us going different paths in college. The next two we're in college, one was a soccer player and a real hottie. I carried him through college academically, solely because of my (? obscession ?) over him. He never did anything social with me, and kinda joked that I was a nerd. I came out to him shortly after the one above. He seemed ok with it, though he didn't "understand it". Alcohol caused me to tell him that I was in love with him for the last 5 years. He eventually stopped communicating and also will no longer communicate with me since 2002. The second college attraction was the one mentioned in the first paragraph.

 

The madness continues. In 1999-2000 I fell in love with another straight guy... one who was into musicals, broadway shows, things that might indicate a gay person. He was straight, my roommate for a year, and knew I was gay though I didn't tell him. Keep in mind, all of my co-dependencies up until this point, I never made any kind of a "pass" on the person. On the night of September 11, 2000 (oddly enough a year prior to the day that changed the U.S.) he showed me his penis. He knew I am gay and "flashed me". It was very attractive. VERY. I offered to perform oral sex on him several times in the next few days. I touched and kissed him while drunk. Needless to say he fled the area before the lease expired. I was slitting my wrists and saying I was going to end it right in front of him.

 

I'm an equal opportunity person. I have fallen for gay guys, but they are always in relationships, and time is running out for me to be in one. I would have never considered a gay relationship prior to my "coming out" date in 1998.

 

A dangerous situation is now unfolding. First, all of the people above except for one will not even acknowledge me. This hurts tremendously. However, once again, I am starting to fall in love with a straight guy, but this guy is extremely homophobic. If this person ever found out, they would put me in the hospital, and when I drink, I have the tendency to say things to people (tendency, hell, I TELL PEOPLE) things I wouldn't ever say straight.

 

My heart is empty. I'm watching all of my friends get married, while I am becoming married to the bottle. Of the 5 obscessions I've talked about 3 are married, one is getting married soon, and the other I don't know about, but suspect will be married within a year or so. Even the friends I have never been obscessed over are getting married, they are all buying houses, and I'm on a twisty and windy road to nowhere. What's worse is that I'm flushing years down the toilet with my dependence on alcohol.

 

What I hope to learn from this post is how do I handle my previous "obscessions"? Should I continue to try and contact them? Believe me, I know that there will never be a "relationship", but the fact that we we're such good friends, even if it was based on "obscessions", and it is all gone, is numbing. I'm over the first 4, I don't really even try to contact them anymore. We are in the same field, and I'd love to hear from them. Friends lost. No friends gained. If I heard from and had contact from 2-4, it would really help me out. I need friends who understand me. Can I restore friendships with people that mean a lot to me?

 

The other question is how do I deal with this new "obscession". He could quickly put me in the hospital and is extremely homophobic. I can't believe that this latest one even developed.

 

So I know this message is very "me" centered, but I'm on a one way street going the wrong direction. My family is not accepting of my sexuality, and I feel abnormal, different, and like a let down. I'm entering my 7th year of heavy drinking, and know that it will kill me if I don't stop. It is the only coping mechanism. The friends I've hurt just inflate this. I have tried so hard to help people, yet I get little, if any, help from my "friends".

 

I do have a few good friends that I'm not "attracted" to, but they are scattered accross the country. My field tends to spread people out.

 

Lastly, I want the 5 people involved not to hate gays based on me. I am a neurotic one, who doesn't want to give the entire gay world a bad name.

 

So that is my story. I'm getting old, and every day that passes without me being in a REAL relationship is a day that I get older and less "attractive". My life is passing me away.

 

I'd appreciate any advice you could give.

 

Kevin

[Mun]

Hi Kevin, first things first-STOP DRINKING. Go into re-hab or something of that nature. Drinking tends to make you say things you wouldn't when you're sober and its causing you to lose some good friends. You say some of them might still be your friends if it had not been for the alcohol-regardless of you being gay. So why keep doing what you know is driving them away?

 

You might want to find places where you can meet more gay men instead of so many straight ones. I imagine you meet most of them at work or so. Go where the gay men are. If I wanted to find a man I would certainly not go looking in a "gay bar" right ? So go where you think you might find more gay men. Keep going- no one is worth losing your life for. You are slowly killing yourself with the bottle--Don't.

 

Good luck

[t-dog]

I know it's difficult to just "quit drinking." I had a drinking problem for a number of years. When my life wasn't going very well, alcohol seemed like it was the only thing to help me forget my problems for awhile...but then it caused many more, which caused me to drink more...viscious cycle. I wanted to quit drinking, but I also didn't. Sound familiar?

 

I really suggest going to an AA meeting. They have gay AA groups all over; I know they have a few in the D.C. area. You'll find alot of people who are going through the same things as you. People in AA are extremely supportive and non-judgemental. It took alot for me to step into my first meeting, but when I did, I felt tremendously relieved. You can tell these people everything, and chances are, they've been where you are...many of them have stories that will make you feel like your whole life is completely figured out. And everyone goes to AA...my group in NYC had everyone from celebrities to teenagers to businessmen to housewives to homeless people. AA meetings are actually alot like bars, strangely enough, you have to find the right one that fits you.

 

Best of luck.

t

[The Morrigan]

There are many special interest AA groups - including homosexual ones, which address issues that are more unique.

 

link removed

 

there's a list that might be of some help to you, one of the founding gay/lesbian special interest AA groups was founded in DC, so you're in a good location to start.

 

I'd also agree with muneca - maybe join a couple of gay support groups which are just to explore the issues of homosexuality til you find one that "fits" you - and see if there are other clubs or meeting spots they can recommend where the odds will be with you that the people you'll be socializing with are not only similar in interest, but more likely to be gay than not. Give yourself a wider pool of eligible people to meet.

[dxwxman]

I understand that there are gay groups out there. I have tried to attened them.... I'm not your average gay.... I'm not effiiminate, or any other stereotype of gay. I tried one gay AA meeting and found this to be the case.

 

I'll accept that quitting drinking is the number one priority, but how do I deal with the rejected friends that I care so much about? If they do not forgive me then I am perfectly willing to accept my premature death.... I have no family.

 

Alcohol is a problem, but people who (used toi) care about me is worse. FORGIVE ME!!!

 

I need friends and acceptance, but doubt I'll get it.

 

Kevin

[The Morrigan]

Are there any interests you have, like outdoors, or athletic type stuff, that would tend to draw less "effeminate" types you'd be more at ease with? Sorry if you've already searched some of these options, just trying to throw ideas out on the table.

[dxwxman]

The early replies are in and suggest that I quit alcohol immediately. I need further information on how to do this because alcohol is the only thing I love, that gives me what I need in return.

 

I'm so sick of human relations that ditch me and neglect me that I choose a beverage over people. I'm waiting for this pattern to be broken, but, I don't think it will be, people don't care about a dieing gay faggot.

 

I may very well go into a 28 day treatment program later this week (I'm a scientist who is giving a paper on Wednesday).... but I fear wasting $20,000 only to come back into the same life and drink again.

 

My instinct is to suck dick. That makes most want to hate me without even knowing me.

 

Kevin

[t-dog]

Listen, if you don't like the gay AA meetings, go to regular ones. And in regards to the other part of your problem, if your friends don't accept you for being the way you are then they are not worth your time anyway. We live in the year 2004 and you live in a big city with tons of people, gay and strait, who accept gay people. It shouldn't be that hard to find non-homophobes.

 

I, probably as much as you, understand how much you love alcohol. But if you know that alcohol is causing you more problems, you need to quit.

 

I used to live in D.C. and I used to hang out in Dupont with the best of them. There are plenty of masculine gay guys out there. There are also plenty of straight guys who want to be friends with you...and don't forget all the women out there who can give you support.

 

Please, stop making excuses for yourself. I know it's not easy, but don't give yourself a license to die early just because some a-hole straight guys don't want to do it with you.

 

You're going to be okay. You will find friends, just concentrate on things that make you feel happy and healthy.

[jestersupriem]

Hi there Kevin, you ever try couples? Like husband and wife couples? You might find that satisfying for awhile. but gl on your journey

[dxwxman]

Hello again,

 

My life is so in shambles that I do not want to quit drinking. I have, yet again, fallen for a hot guy (I'm gay) that is very homophobic. I work with him and stare at his crotch/but all day. He is very nice to me as we know each other now. He is married. I do not want to "disrupt the sanctity of marriage" as our president puts it, but I'm in love with this person.

 

Alcohol is the only way I can cope with life. I've had so many friendships ripped apart by homosexuality that I am just going to jerk off and not even consider having a sexual relationship with anyone.

 

Everyone who responded to my earlier post said to quit drinking immediately. I have tried in the past. The days are much longer, my obscessions over people are magnified, I become depressed. I'm convencied (sp) that I need to die by the booze. I'm 31, long ago people would have loved to live to my age.

 

THERE IS NO HOPE.

 

I'm a drunk fag.

 

Kevin