why am i not happy?

[paigeamie]

Ive been with my Husband for 16 years and married for 11 and we have two children together. I have everything i could want, nice home good kids, i don't work due to the fact my husband works unpredictable hours and since christmas has been working away 3 - 5 days a week.

 

My problem is although my husband is loving and would do anything to make me happy im not. I don't miss him as much as i should when he's away but on the day he comes home i look forward to seeing him but as soon as he comes home those feelings go and he annoys me. Ive always felt that his feelings were stronger for me than mine are for him and him working away isn't helping matters.

 

When i think of all the things i want in a husband he has those qualities however we also have little common interests. I feel that since we met ive been swept away with things and gone along with decisions that as left us where we are today. we were only together 2 months before we moved in together and after only a year I was expecting my first child. I often think that if hadn't had the children then we wouldn't be together now not that i only stay for the kids but it is a big factor as I came from a broken home and don't want that for my kids and he is a fantastic dad. We met when I was 18 so i never really "lived" went out partied etc. I brought my sister up from a young age so i feel like ive missed out on alot, where as my husband did all that before we met. I look after everything at home, run the finances, everything to so with the kids look after the house etc.

 

To make matters worse i have been back in touch with an ex for the last 3 years. We went out when I was 14 - 17 and had a very intense (although not physical) relationship and we have been back in touch on and off through the 16 years ive been with my husband. Ive never lost my feelings for him and have always thought of him as my soul mate. He feels the same and we have both agreed, as he is also married that neither of us would leave our partners but it can be frustration for us both at times. We have often joked about meeting up although i said it would be a bad idea and open up a can of worms but im thinking maybe it would be a good idea and would perhaps remind me of why we broke up in the first place. I just can't stop thinking about how different thing would have been if we'd got back together.

 

I just want to be happy with my lot as ive got no reason not to be, its frustrating i want to be IN LOVE with my husband again and not just love him. I can't imagine being without him and have no plans to leave. I thought maybe doing a college course or something will give me more of a focus and get a bit of me back. I spend most days sat at home alone with no one to talk to and hear very little from "friends" maybe im just lonely.

 

This probably all sounds a bit muddled or even a bit selfish but i just want to be happy

[minou]

Go for a course, wether a college course, or some kind of activity, making precious metal clay jewelry or whatever. you're in a rut right now, stuck in the house. Take some time with your husband, even if it's for a long weekend, to get away together and get some scheduled romantic time together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it is boredom..you have no real interests of your own. Get out and take some courses, develop a hobby..AND STOP TALKING TO THIS EX. By making declarations to this guy you have already cheated on your husband. This ex is a fantasy...you were together in your teens...teenage relationships are all fantasy-land because you are not yet out in the real world making it on your own. Many unhappy people re-connect with high school loves because they imagine that this was their one true love when in reality they are simply grasping for an escape from their unhappy life into a fantasy world. You don't really know your ex as an adult with adult responsibilities. I bet if you had to live your life with this ex you would find out that it would be the same humdrum life you now live with your husband. Get yourself busy with interests, course, hobbies and maybe even consider going out to work part-time.

[sidehop]

I'm sorry to say but you two are not soulmates if you and your ex aren't together. There was a reason. And to me it sounds more like a the grass is greener syndrome. That excitement of looking back at young love is maybe the cause of your confusion.

 

You either stop all communication with him or things will lead one thing to another. It doesn't matter if you're trying to stay for the kids, it's going to destroy both families and children if this keeps going.

 

How often do you and your husband do things together as a couple? Date nights? Have you even though about counseling? You and/or he may not feel it's needed but it wouldn't hurt to understand and better the relationship. Counseling isn't just for people with problems, it's always a good tool to have a viewpoint from a professional to see what could be improved.

 

I'm sure when you first met your husband you were in love with him correct?

[RedDress]

I agree. You need to cut contact with this ex NOW.

 

You are focusing on the ex because you are bored/don't have your own thing going on and you think that he will somehow magically make everything better.

 

Happiness comes from within. You need to find your own happiness. THEN you can be fulfilled in a relationship. Hopefully the relationship with your husband.

 

Marriage and LTRs are not all daisies and roses. There WILL be times when you don't feel "in love". ALL marriages are like that - despite what some people claim. Marriage is work. Time to get working... not leaving/cheating!

[paigeamie]

Thank you all for your advice and you've all said what I suppose I knew all along perhaps just needed someone else to say it.

 

Ive always used my ex as a sort of "safety blanket" and have in the past realised its not really who I want just maybe romancing of the life I had then. It was all so simple with no one else to worry about.

 

My Husband I don't spend as much time together as perhaps we should life tends to get in the way. The kids are getting older now and as they take up less of our time we should be spending more of it together.

 

We have been thorough alot of difficulties in the past and always got through them together where as some marriage perhaps wouldn't have survived. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself, give myself a big kick up the ass and start to enjoy life. Even though sometimes its easier said than done.

 

I just like to say what a fantastic site this is, I came accross it by accident whilst looking for advice and it has helped me heaps. Keep up the good work guys

[sidehop]

It's hard, even with one child it's difficult to get that one night to ourselves. I could see why so many couples are too busy with their career and the family that you lose the intimacy and yourself over time.

 

I hope you and your husband will find that intimacy and closeness you two had. Stay strong.

[savagegirl]

Agree fully with this. STOP all contact with your ex immediately unless you want to start an affair on your husband, because that is what it is leaning towards. Affairs are always messy and always end up hurting way too many people and children. Stop before you are in too deep.

[doityourself]

YES, stop contact with your ex. That relationship was a long time ago, and you are a differant person now.

 

Im in the same boat as you, although I do work part time so I get a break from chores and kids. I feel lonely even with people all around me. Its hard living a life of a housewife and mother. Always doing something for other people, sometimes you get lost in the mix.

 

I would suggest a makeover, get out there and doll yourself up for your husband. Get a new dress (sexy unders) and him out for a night on the town. Hotel for the night would also do wonders.

 

Also start doing something for yourself, make it a must to get out of the house for you. Shopping, walking, exercising, anything to get your blood going again.

[paigeamie]

Thank you so much you are all so wise wish i had friend like you that lived near by! I have recently started pushing myself to go out walking the dog more, I stick on my ipod a lose myself for a while. Im also off on a girls night out on Saturday which is the first in a long long time. My husband is away till the end of the week so hopefully by the time he gets home he should see a brighter me!

[Hermes]

We met when I was 18 so i never really "lived" went out partied etc

 

I am sure it will work out well for you Paige. You are getting good advice on here. I would add that why not now catch up on the 18 year old stuff, but WITH your husband. Give him a surprise!

 

H