Pregnant, 36, single and confused...

[Panda2008]

Hi guys, hope you can offer me some advice. I'm 36, and recently found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant after an accident with a FWB.

 

My parents tell me that if I have the baby, my life will effectively be over, and any chances of "meeting a lovely man and having children with him" will be severely diminished, if not completely gone.

 

However, I have not really had a successful relationship, pretty much ever, and the thought of having a termination in order to "wait around" for this prince charming seems a bit pie in the sky.

 

I was adamant before this happened that I didn't want children, and still not sure I would be a good mum, but now it has happened, I don't know what to do... I also work for myself and would not get any maternity leave, so that makes things more difficult as well.

 

*sigh*

 

(by the way, me and the guy in question have been friends for 11 years, but he is only 28 and a confirmed bachelor. I would not want to have a romantic relationship with him if I continued with the pregnancy.)

 

Has anyone been in this position themselves or can offer any advice? What would YOU do??

 

Thanks.

[lavenderdove]

I think the decision to have the child needs to be independent of what your parents think, especially considering your age and if you don't have this baby, you may never have children. At your age, there are LOTS of men who themselves have children from prior relationships, so it doesn't necessarily diminish your chances of finding one. Also, in today's world more children are born out of wedlock than in it, so it is something you could easily do if you want to raise a child.

 

If you have never wanted children and can't afford to support the child, and think you realistically won't want to have children regardless of whom you are with or whether you marry or not, then i would not keep the child.

 

But if you have any doubt that you might want children, then i would take time making this decision and perhaps talk to some counselors (like Planned Parenthood or state counseling services) to address your options and help you think thru the decision.

 

Having a child is certainly a huge life change, but it is not by default a negative one when not married and a positive one when married. Pregnancies are biologically driven and happy in all circumstances, and can by joyous (or not) whether married or single. Your own circumstances and feelings about motherhood need to drive the decision, not some fear generated by parents or assumptions by others.

[Mauxly]

Your parents are wrong, many men will have no problem with this. I'm pro choice, so of course this decision is completely up to you. However, you must take into consideration that this may be your last chance at having a child. I don't know many....eerr....any...woman who had a child out of wedlock who regret it. Those children are the light of their lives. I'm not saying it won't be difficult.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your parents are just concerned for you and want the best for you and they feel that being a single mother will really hamper you. Some men wouldn't want to date a single mother while others wouldn't have a problem. So I don't think your decision should be based on whether or not you could capture the interest of a marriage-minded man. Your decision needs to be based on whether or not you want to be a single parent, if you can afford it, if you can radically change your lifestyle etc. What about the guy...have you talked to him about this? If you choose to keep the baby then he needs to know that he fathered a child and he should take on some of the parenting and financial burdens. Doesn't mean you have to have a romantic relationship with the guy but he was 1/2 responsible for the conception to he should be responsible for 1/2 the finances. As for him being a "confirmed bachelor"...that's for now...he is only 28 and if he met someone who really knocks his socks off then he will probably end up married to someone.

[Brigadoon]

As someone who was in that situation at the age of twenty I would agree with what your parents said about your current life being "over"; but that is not necessarily a bad thing. I have a beautiful nearly ten year old son and since having him my life has completely changed, mainly for the better. Yes it has been tough raising a child on my own (and by alone I mean without any contact/ financial support from his father and no family of my own) but I genuinely wouldn't change it for the world.

Like you I also had NO intentions of ever having children and feared that I would find it difficult to find a man that would accept my son and I as a package but while that fear was justified when I was younger with men my own age it no longer stands. There are very few women in our age group who do not have children or past significant relationships or some kind of situation that must be taken into consideration.

Go with what YOU want, it's your life and whatever you do the only thing you absolutely MUST do (and I really can't stress this enough) is to sit down and go through absolutely every option open to you no matter whether you would consider acting on it or not. Life gets tough at times and you will need to be absolutely certain that you chose to do what you did because you wanted to and not because of pressure from anyone else. I have found this circumnavigates resentment building up at people or situations .

Good luck and I know you'll choose what's best for you

[regular joe]

First a couple of questions: have you discussed any of this with your FWB? If so what was his input? Is he aware that you are pregnant. Second your mom's thinking is very old fashioned. I am 41 soon to be 42, never married (came close once) It has been a longtime since I dated someone who didn't have children. I absolutely HATE the fact that these women, when I first meet them, assume that because I never been married or that I do not have any children that I am not marriage/father material. My not being married is by choice. Once they get to know me they are suprised. The last two I was with, I was better to their children and more involved in their lives then the biological fathers. I don't know all the details concerning him, but sometimes people will surprise you if given the chance. I have a friend who is just like me. He and his ex girlfriend had a baby together. People are shocked that he is a really great dad. They thought he was too much of a player/ partier to be responsible. When he didn't need to be he wasn't. Now he has to be he is and loves every minute of it.

[Hermes]

Panda:

 

I can only echo what Mauxly says:

 

Your parents are wrong, many men will have no problem with this. I'm pro choice, so of course this decision is completely up to you. However, you must take into consideration that this may be your last chance at having a child. I don't know many....eerr....any...woman who had a child out of wedlock who regret it. Those children are the light of their lives. I'm not saying it won't be difficult.

__________________

 

I don't know where you live and what your parents might mean by a "lovely man". But, this is one instance where you must make up your own mind.

 

H

[Panda2008]

Thanks everyone, you've really helped a lot.

 

I have left a message for the FWB to call me, saying "I'm afraid we've got something to discuss" so that will give him some idea - he knew I was going to have to take the MAP. Let's just hope he calls back!

 

I am currently writing down ALL aspects of all decisions, and will hopefully get FWB input as well. But it's such a massive decision, it feels too enormous to contemplate still.

 

I have made an appointment with a counsellor for Thursday, which I hope will help too.

[lavenderdove]

Good for you! I think you're taking the right path by really evaluating the situation and getting input both from the FWB and a counselor...

 

Best of luck, let us know how it goes!

[Hermes]

I echo what Lavender says, and wish you the best. Yes, let us know how you get on.

 

H

[Panda2008]

Quick update: Finally I heard back from FWB. He was very shocked, and said "I'm in no position to have a child, and I don't think you are either". I told him "Well, I'm 36, not 21," to which he replied: "oh sh*t".

 

Anyway I said I hadn't made a decision either way, but wanted him to know I was seriously considering all the options. He said "you need to speak to someone about this" and then said we should meet up to chat in two days time, which would have been yesterday (sunday).

 

Needless to say, I haven't heard from him since.

 

I think I have decided to keep the baby, but the thought of him threatening me, and generally being abusive when he hears my choice is really worrying me.

 

Also, although I think I have made the right decision, I am absolutely TERRIFIED.

 

Is this normal??!!

[Shortpants]

Yes, it is completely normal to feel terrified over this large a life decision Panda! Cripes, I am married and was terrified when we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. You sound like a very strong woman with a good head on your shoulders and will be fine with a baby on your own. There are billions of single moms making it every day, and I really don't think it will case issues with future relationships either. If a potential suitor has an issue with you being a single mom, then he's not the guy for you, right?

 

As far as desling with the father of the baby... First is that no matter what he must support this child, even if you think it is easier to avoid him. Bottom line is, sex has consequences, and if he is not able to handle those consequences then he shouldn't be having sex. Second, if you have ANY concerns of how he is going to react, threatening you or being abusive due to your choice to keep the baby, do not, I repeat DO NOT meet with him in private. Meet with him to discuss this in a public place, thus he will be less prone to an outburst or possibly harming you or the baby. Third, you really don't know why you haven't heard form him since you told him. It is quite possible he is just getting a grasp on this whole situation in his head before coming to you to talk about options. Then again, he may just fall off the face of the earth and you will never see him again. Like I said, you don't know what is going through his mind right now, it probably was the shock of his life and needs time to come to terms with it.

 

You can do this Panda! It's not going to be easy, but who said life was easy? The little life inside of you takes top priority now, you need to keep yourself healthy and keep your stress levels low, even if that means cutting the FWB out of the picture. Don't let him pressure you into a choice you don't feel right about, the final choice is yours. And I swear, the first time you hold that little baby, YOUR little baby, all is right in the world. There is no feeling in the world like it. Good luck, keep us posted and stay strong!

[Bella20]

even if he does walk out and doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby, you may want to make sure he pays for child support.