My break up letter.

[cazmoore]

I know for sure I want to break up with my boyfriend (who isn't at home or around right now) but I need some advice on my letter and if this letter sounds harsh. I know they say to keep break up letters short and to the point, but I feel like I had to point out where things when wrong and I'm not looking for any reconciliation - he always tries to win me back after I've had enough, but this time I just want to leave this letter, leave his stuff, so we don't have to see each other. I'll probably end up crying if I see him and when we talk and get emotional, it always leads to sex and i always think "You stupid idiot, WALK AWAY, why did you have sex with him??!!!" and I KNOW that nothing will change.

 

If you're not sure what my relationship is like, my previous posts will explain. Basically he's a drinker, missed applying for school 3 years in a row after he said he'd go back, still parties pretty hard and would rather spend Saturday nights watching UFC with buddies over at his dad's house and watching hockey than spending time with me but there's way more to it than that. Anyway, it has to be said it's long, but I had to say all this because he treated me pretty poorly quite often, and I need some closure on my part so he knows where I stood about everything.

 

 

 

Hi ***,

 

First off, you can give me a call after you read this. I know, leaving a letter is a pretty shady thing to do, but it seems to be the only thing that works since you become too angry when I voice how I feel and you walk away or hang up the phone. I should also mention, none of my things are moved in, I've taken back the things I've left in the house and i returned all the money you gave me to save, along with a photocopy of the receipt from RONA with all the money that was spent on the house. (In case there was going to be any arguments over money missing and what not. It's all accounted for)

 

I've tried to walk away from the relationship before, but I felt like if I stayed things would be different and probably a part of you hoped some things would be different, too. And despite the fact this is extremely hard for me, I know that it's best we both go our separate ways. I can't keep giving you a hard time because you can't provide me what I need to be secure and happy in a relationship. When you are happy it's because you're getting what you need from the relationship: me not saying anything when you drink a lot, not really asking you to be around, letting you be 'alone' and letting you have some space... Showing someone affection isn't a duty, which you have much difficulty doing; it's always been forced and I'm sure there are reasons why, but I need that close intimacy with someone. I was unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, which was someone I wanted to talk to and become best friends with, spending time getting to know each other without the TV in the same room, without needing alcohol on your part to feel comfortable opening up to me, or getting a card saying 'I love you' for no reason -you said you can't do things like that (in translation: I won't do things like that).

 

You stated that you were worried I was going to 'nag' about you playing on two different baseball teams and that I would care. I didn't care that you played baseball, but it's more so the fact you played on two teams on your only two days off which it would have been nice to plan things together. You never really ask me how I feel about anything. That was apparent when you went up north with your friends when we first started dating. You TOLD me you were doing some cocaine up there and the funny thing is, you sometimes still seem quite enthusiastic when recalling your past experiences, which sometimes makes me wonder what you got up to last year when I wasn't around when you were in (his home town). But I really didn't know any better back then about drugs. Just like last year when we went away to a cottage together. It was YOUR vacation, and you got drunk every single day, slept on the couch the whole time and even picked up a case of beer when you got back home and I left. Drinkers like that don't change. I even know that.

 

I understand and acknowledge that you've stopped drinking for a few months for me, but I don't feel that you will change your ways and I went back to the relationship in January with eyes wide open knowing what I was getting involved with. You still find excuses to drink (ie: your best friend is moving out – you need to get tanked for the week even though you'll see each other twice a week and you want me to be quiet about it) Your life will still be centred around activities that only involve your friends and alcohol, while you fit me in. Nothing has changed. Living together doesn't mean spending less time together because you sleep in the same bed each night, in fact, I believe it means working on the relationship even more since you're taking it to the next big step before marriage, which is something i want. You'll be 27 next month, I'm 26. I know what I want. I think you're delaying growing up in ways you can't really see.

 

There's no respect left in the relationship, not longer any caring, having fun together and not much love left. I'd notice this by a simple act of you walking into the grocery store, or the mall without an even backwards glance for me or walk with me into the store or grab my hand. You were always 20 feet ahead. Not once did you wait for me, or lighting your cigarettes all the time with me in your car. I cared, every single time, yet you NEVER asked. With your free time you've chosen to do other things than spend time with me, which is fine, but I'd rather move on than complain about it and know where it will end up and cry over it. And yes, you were right – I was upset that you were planning on spending more time playing baseball and joining 2 leagues, then considering spending time with me. Your plan was to join a baseball team in (where we both live) so you wouldn't have to drive to 2 hours away on a Friday so we could spend more time together – that was your plan, which you never could follow through with. Something you don't feel that's important enough to talk with me about.

 

I tried to come over in the last week to see if things could get back to normal after Bryan moving out ...with painting, going to your baseball game basically to assess the relationship myself, but I can see where your priorities are and moving in would only be a huge mistake and we only just grew completely apart over the last year anyway.

 

Neither of our needs will ever be met. I feel you just want a part time girlfriend with benefits; the trimmings of a relationship without putting the effort in. It's a threat to our individual happiness. If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity, if you give a little for compromise, you lose to same. I don't want to feel like I have to change in order to get my most important emotional needs met. Neither of us can help how we feel.

 

Again, I wanted to talk to you about this in person, but I never felt that this would come out right or if it would make things more emotional and heated and you'd yell at me, point your finger at me, then walk away and tell me to get out. I do love you very much. I know we are very different but to be honest, I don't feel compatibility was the demise of the relationship, but rather you being set in your ways and all I really wanted was someone to settle down with and do things together. I'm nearly finished Nursing , and I can't help but feel emotional looking at my friends getting engaged, married, having kids and some point, sooner than later, I want that, but you can't give me that. You're not a mind reader, but your interests will always come first before mine and they're not even in the same ball park with a woman who wants a serious relationship.

 

I know we talked on Thursday about everything you said you moved stuff around the house to clear some room for me, but it's things that needed done anyway – it just happened to get done a lot quicker. I've been sitting on the fence about how i feel for the last month or so. Talking with you about anything isn't easy.

 

Now, if you decide to call me and say “Well, I want all that money I gave you” when you helped me get out of my overdraft back in October, like you mentioned last time on the phone when we were arguing about you drinking, consider it a trade for the ceiling fan my mum bought us for your dad's house which cost roughly the same.

 

 

I know, I know, it's long. Maybe i sound more like I'm venting but, man, I'm not sure what to do. Breaking up in person - nothing would get resolved and I'm not comfortable doing that with him.

[Gath]

You're going to break up with him in a letter? not even a phone call? Thats' pretty cold.

 

Although now that I've read this letter, you never actually break up with him. So you should change your letter:

 

"this isn't working, I don't love you anymore, and I don't want to see you anymore. Goodbye."

 

You don't need all that other baggage. Just break up with the guy so you two can get on with your lives.

 

Right now you're basically having a big one sided argument in this letter and chewing him out. If the relationship is over, its OVER. let it be done and let go of the bad feelings, because its time to move on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The letter is too long. I think you need to break up by a phone call, not by a letter. A simple, "this isn't working, I can't be with someone who drinks excessively and I feel like there is no real partnership here". Something like that. No need to go on and on.

[cazmoore]

You're going to break up with him in a letter? not even a phone call? Thats' pretty cold.

 

Although now that I've read this letter, you never actually break up with him. So you should change your letter:

 

"this isn't working, I don't love you anymore, and I don't want to see you anymore. Goodbye."

 

You don't need all that other baggage. Just break up with the guy so you two can get on with your lives.

 

Right now you're basically having a big one sided argument in this letter and chewing him out. If the relationship is over, its OVER. let it be done and let go of the bad feelings, because its time to move on.

 

 

Oh I know, I mean that's why I'm looking for advice and an outside perspective. And the reason for the note - things get too heated when I tell him how I feel. His fists are clenched, sometimes things get thrown, I get swore at and I couldn't even live like that. The phone call - he just hangs up so I'm not sure what to do. He deserves something... but after everything and venting in that letter, sometimes I feel like he doesn't even deserve anything. Just dropping off his stuff and that being the end of it. And you guys are right, the letter is way too long... I just want to get my stuff first before (I have a key) telling him because of how he reacts, and the chance he might try to talk me out of it when I have to go back to his house to get my stuff. I don't want to have to see him again. Last time we broke up, I explaiend everything on the phone and in person, and we just got in debates and it's like... we're suppose to be breaking up, then we made up, but nothing changed. It happened too many times.

[Ms Darcy]

I cut out some of the details and the jabs at him. It could probably be shorter than this but here is what I would suggest:

[OccultFigurine]

If he hangs up when you're trying to explain to him that you're breaking up with him....well then, you've given him a chance to listen and it's not your fault that he's unwilling to hear you out.

[LetLifeFlow]

I like the short version from Ms Darcy. There's no need for the jabs.

If he's violent, this is one of the few valid reasons for sending a letter.

 

You do not owe him a letter, that is for sure. You are going above and beyond.

However, it is the right thing to do. If you have any feelings, do the right thing.

 

 

I'm guessing that no matter what the letter says. He won't understand it; so don't expect him to.

 

If he's lucky, he'll keep the letter. Maybe in a year he'll able to read it and understand.