I don't get it

[LAYAAN]

This post is not about any specific situation.

 

Background - We all have been told "Don't take rejection personally. Don't take disrespectful behavior personally. When a person treats you like that, it says a lot of who they are. They would do it to anyone in your shoes." "Its not about you, its about them."

 

My issue - I really have a hard time believing it. Really, seriously. Don't you think its just some run-of-the-mill answer that is supposed to relieve some pain caused by insulting behavior and rejection? I mean seriously, think about it.

Consider some examples.

- You are rejected because you are not pretty, hot, tall, short, slim, curvy enough.

- Because he isn't feeling the chemistry in 1st date itself.

- Because someone else is available, if not, he atleast has a hope that he can do better than you.

- Because you are not making enough money according to his/her standard.

 

So, how is it not about you? It IS very much about you.

 

Now on to the behavior part.

When they suddenly change their behavior towards you, act rude, start avoiding your calls, start lying, their eyes start wandering, how is it not about you? Its expected that the person is polite and comes clean and tells you that they are not happy and want to move on. I completely understand, that they should not act rude because you because you look a certain way. They should not make you feel low because you don't make enough money according to their standard. But lets face it. We live in a world where people are losing etiquettes, manners, politeness, humility. Mostly the attitude is "If you don't measure up to my standard, I'm on to the next one and since I've decide that you are not my type, I don't want to waste any more time." But again, how is it about them and not you? They wouldn't behave rudely if you were their type or hot enough, pretty enough, rich enough, whatever.

 

NOTE - I'm a sweet, honest person. I don't treat people rudely. If they are not what I'm looking for, I don't go on a date with them. I screen profiles (was into online dating) well, ask Qs and go on a date when I see prospects. I don't leave people hanging, but just like everyone else, I've had more than fair share of tough dating world.

[newwave]

That's one of the problems I faced with online dating. Though a guy looks decent (and may be) it's different than meeting them face to face. I've actually met guys I thought were hot (and were) only to have zero chemsitry with. Sometimes it's about you (you in general) sometimes it's not. If it's a first date with someone I have no connection with (meaning I never met them before) I am not offended when they reject me (assuming they do). What really makes no sense when they completely change. I've seen this time and again. Even in my case the one guy I like was so sweet before we went out saying he couldn't wait to spoil me, then afterwards, nothing. He claims it's him, but I wonder if it was me. I think sometimes people get in over their head and realize what they wanted changed.

[quirky]

I understand what you are saying and I gotta be honest, deep down I feel the same, that it does have to do with me. The reality is it has to do with both parties, the vibe, the buzz just isn't there. It is hard to brush things off but for me this is the only way, otherwise I'd just feel regurarly disappointed.

[Shallow]

- You are rejected because you are not pretty, hot, tall, short, slim, curvy enough.

- Because he isn't feeling the chemistry in 1st date itself.

- Because someone else is available, if not, he atleast has a hope that he can do better than you.

- Because you are not making enough money according to his/her standard.

 

So, how is it not about you? It IS very much about you.

 

But it's not, it's about them getting what they want or think they deserve. Just because you don't happen to fit some/all of their criteria, doesn't mean you should take it personally and think something's wrong with you.

 

They wouldn't behave rudely if you were their type or hot enough, pretty enough, rich enough, whatever.

 

Of course they wouldn't, because you have something they want.

 

Have you ever been treated rudely by a salesperson after they realize they aren't going to get your money? They do this to give themselves a boost . . . to try and convince themselves that the problem isn't with them or their technique. This gives them the confidence to move on and get something they want. The same principle applies when someone treats you rudely during a rejection or break-up.

 

Don't ever let anyone else judge you without your permission, and don't give out this honor liberally.

[Batya33]

Of course if a person chooses to be rude because the person could not give him what he wanted that is a character flaw with that person.

 

The way I look at "taking it personally" when it comes to dating is - did the person know me personally - on the inside? If he didn't like my looks, figure, other externalities, what does that have to do with who I am on the inside and why would I give him the power to make me feel rejected based on his taste in looks?

 

As far as chemistry -- that's not a rejection - that's an absence of clicking between two people. I met many people I liked as people when I was dating but couldn't ever imagine kissing them. A number of them were very handsome/conventionally "hot" as well as being good people. I never felt like I rejected them personally - I just declined the opportunity to get to know them better romantically. So?

 

As an aside, the biggest reason I rejected men was when I sensed pervasive negativity. If the generalizations you wrote about materialism and what "most people" value these days were any kind of focus of what he spoke about - or similar negative stuff - that was a dealbreaker.

 

 

And if I were dating now it would be even more of a dealbreaker because, living with someone, being married, being a parent - my goodness, if you have a negative perspective it's a killer of romance, fun, physical health -- thank goodness I married a perennial optimist. That can be annoying at times but since I can get into a negative funk it sure helps re-balance my perspective which I owe to myself, my husband and our child mostly! Think about it - this is something you can control and choose.