Lost my virginity, but wish I hadn't.

[GoneCrazy]

craigslist is pretty low if your gonna lose your V-card might as well go to someone better looking then a random strange that you can pick around a corner in the worst neighbourhood.

 

My plan go to vegas and go to own of those bunny ranches, or look through the internet for some of the best escorts.

[greywolf]

We all make mistakes and do things that we regret. There's no point in dwelling on them. We've just got to accept that we made a mistake, promise ourselves that we'll never do it again, and then let go and move on. You'll feel much better that way. Beating yourself up about it doesn't help anybody.

[jettison]

Jettison: my post was made in hopes that the OP wouldn't be consumed with guilt. For some people, a negative sexual experience, especially the first time, can be a painful and long-lasting memory.

 

Do you care about the OP at all? I read your posts often. You write well, but you're self-consumed. This thread is suppose to be about helping the OP, not bragging about how you shagged some girl on a boat, how amazing you performed, and how the OP should mirror your fine life example.

 

ITW... I meant to respond to this earlier, but I haven't been at home or able. In any case, let me make a few points about your indictment.

 

1) Although I quoted your post, it could have been generic and it was not a direct response to what you said. Therefore, there's no need to be so defensive.

 

2) Do I care about the OP at all? Not more and not less then any other stranger that I haven't developed any camaraderie with over the internet.

 

3) No thanks with the backhanded compliments. I write well, but I'm "self-consumed"? Have you ever met anyone that wasn't self-consumed? I'd like to meet that person someday, but I feel like I'll be staring into a casket. We're all self-consumed. Some admit it, and some won't. Some will fight their nature, remain in denial, and some won't. It is impossible not to be "self-consumed" because ourselves and our relation to our environment is all we really know.

 

4) My "personal story". I'll have you know that people enjoy reading personal stories, especially if the subject matter is similar to that in the thread. That's kind of my schtick. If that doesn't please you then my apologies, but I've never written anything on ENA just to please anyone.

 

Was it relevent? Of course it was if you read it in the vein it was written. If, however, you thought it some masturbatory exercise about how awesome I am then I'm thinking you well missed the point. In fact, it was the complete opposite. I told a story of me all of 20 years ago, thinking I was so special and cool while all the while I was anything but, and a big dork.

 

That story I wrote? That wasn't a prop-up piece. It was a "look what a doorwad I am" piece. Nowhere do I say I was actually good at what I did. In fact, I likely wasn't, but she was inexperienced as well and likely didn't know the difference.

 

Why relate the story? Becuase it is an example of how our perception will color every sexual story we have, and our perception is usually tied to our emotions, and therefore, not very accurate. For me, I took away a "great experience". For the OP, he took away something dreadful. It didn't have to be like that though. A different bloke, the same girl, the same circumstance... He could have concluded "that was awesome!" It's all how your brain processes it. That was the entire point of my post.

 

Here's a way to spin my story another way:

 

"I met a girl on a cruise ship. After only knowing each other for hours, and drunk on tequila, we slept together. I didn't wear a condom. I think she was a virgin because not only did it take a long, long time for the penetration, and not only did she scream, she bled out all over the sheets.

 

The second time we did it, my friend was there, and he was clapping. I was a little embarrased, drunk, and out of it, but I kept going. Looking back on it it was funny I suppose, but I had no idea what I was doing.

 

Later, she told me that she was in love with me. In reality, there was no way I could be in love with her. I thought, "why are you even sleeping with me? You don't even know me! What's wrong with you?! And I was still in love Amy, the girl back home.

 

Months later, I called her on the phone. We talked for awhile, and she talked about her life, and I thanked her for the cards and postcards she had sent me. I herd another man's voice in the background. "Who is that?" I asked. "Oh," she said. "That's my boyfriend."

 

I was devastated. When I got off the phone, I was sure I was in love with her back and had missed my chance forever. I was a young guy, didn't know what I was doing, I was insecure, and I cried."

 

You see? I can spin a story any way I like. Anyway can. What happens in our world is simply colored by our perception. As an adult, I can look back on my experience and see that the emotional/weird stuff I was experiencing was just fear and insecurity. But still, all the of interesting/cool stuff around it made it a great memory.

 

So, no, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that wasn't a "look how freaking cool I am" fluff piece. It was written for the OP just to say, "My friend... all that really happened was that you took each other's clothes off and shook your junk around a little. It feels so huge and cataclysimic in your head, but you're allowed to relax and take it for what it was. Maybe it wasn't the best experience, but don't beat yourself up. It is what it is. And p.s., congrats for losing your virginity even if it wasn't a perfect experience. It will get better."

[arcadefire]

To the OP, please do not consume your life with guilt over this issue. Besides, think of it this way, now you've gotten it "out of the way" sort to speak. So she's not the ideal first (mine wasn't either), but don't beat yourself over about it.

[MD Geist]

Its better to just get it over and done with. I wish I would have ages ago but Its to late for me.

[Keyman]

Sounds like a valuable growing up experience to me. Put it in your journal for future reference and move on to better things. Our mistakes teach us who we really are.

 

And the great seer of wavedness says it so simply.

 

Bottle uncorked now. No longer a virgin. Get on with it! For me, the great boff is better with a loving partner anyway. Chalk it up to something that needed to be done and move on.

[Panther_Dude]

My mind won't let me recover from this. Trying to put it behind me. But various things on tv and playing with self ususally bring back thoughts. I think I may have a problem down road with women. Not only that but the bad part of me liked what I did. I don't wanna think about it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Panther_Dude, I think you struggle a lot when it comes to problems with anxiety.

 

You seem to have a bit of social anxiety and rather talk to your girlfriends and crushes online rather than in person. You seem to be anxious and very self conscious about your speech difficulties even though you've greatly improved. And, you seem to really focus on the bad and have catastrophic views towards the future.

 

I know you do not want to go to a therapist, but you can try a self help book on cognitive behavioural therapy. It'll go over anxiety, social fears, and insecurity. And, you can do them at your own pace and not have to worry about professionals.

 

It's something you might want to look into to.

 

Also, for the record, you don't have a 'bad part of you'. Your sexual side isn't bad or immoral. You have needs. Needs that led you to have an online hookup. What's done is done and maybe it's what you need to push you in the right direction.

[greywolf]

My mind won't let me recover from this. Trying to put it behind me. But various things on tv and playing with self ususally bring back thoughts. I think I may have a problem down road with women. Not only that but the bad part of me liked what I did. I don't wanna think about it.

 

Panther dude, I think this is a case of you being unhappy no matter the circumstances. You were unhappy being a virgin, so you had sex, and now that you've experienced sex, you're unhappy again. No matter what you do, you aren't going to be satisfied with your life unless the happiness comes from within.