How do I take down my walls around a new girlfriend?

[karrotjuice]

I have a new girlfriend and she's fantastic. I'm developing feelings and fighting like hell to never second guess, doubt, or over think anything in this relationship. And the feelings seem to be pretty mutual. Problem is I'm treating her like crap.

 

We had a great time our first few dates, and we quickly got comfortable enough to spend the night together. I opened up about my life, and she did about hers. We had sex. I didn’t finish and we laughed it off as “awkward first times.” But then it happened again. She got upset and told me to stop trying. I tried talking to her about it and she didn't want to. She was embarrassed.

 

I thought that was "it" for the relationship because she pushed me away when I tried to talk. However, she got back and apologized to me for how she acted. She wanted to stay together but was scared we would never fix this "problem." I take her out a few more times and we spend a lot of time together. Last night I took her to my favorite bar, but she didn’t seem very excited because “it didn’t look like I had any friends there.” I tried getting friends to meet us, but failed. She made a comment that I was too busy and stressed out to be affectionate and fun, and she wanted to go home. The date ended on a sour note.

 

I called her later and she tells me she's only going to keep being patient for so long. I try to talk to her about it. She keeps saying that I sound like I want to break up. I tell her I miss her and I want to open up to her. She says she likes me a lot and I can't keep doing this to her. She can't see me for a few days and says we'll talk then.

 

I actually like this girl. My last few girlfriends have all been awful at relationships. I am incredibly guarded; I know what it’s like to really care for someone and never see it come back. It’s been incredibly difficult this past year for me to be myself and completely vulnerable around women, so even calling this girl my “girlfriend” is a big deal.

 

I'm losing her already, because of baggage. And she keeps telling me to "figure it out" on my own. It's clear she knows why I'm holding back, and she can't help me. I’ve told her most everything in some form already. I miss her and I want her, but I can’t take down my walls. What do I do? Is she even the right fit for me?

[generaldiscord]

You sound like you are very stressed. Are you stressed out to be with her? Are you trying too hard to show her the perfect time?

 

I would advise you to stop thinking so much about what impression you are making when you are with her or other people. Instead, try to understand how she is feeling and what she wants.

 

In the bar, you were trying to convince her that you had many friends. You got stressed when they didn't show up. If you had noticed how boring and awkward it was for her, you might have suggested going for a walk instead of trying to save the "bar" idea. She wasn't completely interested in the bar anyways.

 

In the future, try to take her to events and locations where you two can have a good time alone, but where there is a chance you'll run into someone you know.

 

As for the sex thing, why were you so focused and stressed about your orgasm? It probably doesn't have the same importance for her. She was probably upset about it because you were.

 

I have a theory that people should be selfish in bed AND giving in bed. Girls should be selfish first, than giving, and guys should be the opposite. Next time, focus on getting her off. Go down on her, finger her, kiss her till she sees stars. Don't focus on your needs until hers are met.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She got upset and told me to stop trying. I tried talking to her about it and she didn't want to. She was embarrassed.

 

She wanted to stay together but was scared we would never fix this "problem."

 

Last night I took her to my favorite bar, but she didn’t seem very excited because “it didn’t look like I had any friends there.” I tried getting friends to meet us, but failed. She made a comment that I was too busy and stressed out to be affectionate and fun, and she wanted to go home.

 

I called her later and she tells me she's only going to keep being patient for so long. I

 

I am not so much this is your walls or this is the fact that she is witch (substitute a b for the w). Honestly, this woman doesn't sound nice at all...she wants you to have friends around, she can't handle it that you couldn't sexually perform for her immediately when you barely know her. Sounds like she is not really a keeper and you are being too hard on yourself. I wonder if you chose the same type of woman as you have always chosen where you say the relationships were bad ones.

[Juxtapoz]

I am not so much this is your walls or this is the fact that she is witch (substitute a b for the w). Honestly, this woman doesn't sound nice at all...she wants you to have friends around, she can't handle it that you couldn't sexually perform for her immediately when you barely know her. Sounds like she is not really a keeper and you are being too hard on yourself. I wonder if you chose the same type of woman as you have always chosen where you say the relationships were bad ones.

 

this is what i was thinking. I can't imagine someone getting mad at me because we go to a bar and none of my friends are around. Who does she want to get to know? You or your friends? Does she want to date Mr. Popular? Is she in high school?

 

The first time with sex is supposed to be awkward. So is are the third and fourth, sometimes. You say you put all this pressure on yourself, but it sounds like she's the one putting pressure on you.

 

Maybe subconsciously you're not "connecting" because deep down you know she might not be worth the trouble? just my two cents.

 

It's ok to be guarded. There's nothing wrong with taking your time and allowing yourself to come around when you're ready. This leads to a long-lasting healthy relationship. If she doesn't have the patience for you, maybe you should reconsider this relationship. Because from my standpoint there are red flags all over the place with this broad.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe she isn't a good match for you. She doesn't seem to have much patience at all. And seems like for you, patience would be a really compatible quality to have in a partner.

 

What are these walls you speak of?

 

Maybe you need to be going into things slower. Seems a bit odd that you were ok spilling the life story and getting into bed early on, but now the guard comes up? That is backwards, it seems to me, but not unusual when a person is scared of being vulnerable. I remember early in my twenties doing that myself...it was a way to make sure that I didn't get too close to anybody....bc I was opening myself too fast and so that scared all the 'slow n' steady' people away, and attracted the weirdos.

 

Just some thoughts.

[j.love]

Your situation sound familiar to one I was in 2 years ago. You should leave her alone. You and her are obviously not in a healthy emotional state. You are trying to hold on to something that is not good for either one of you.

 

You should just end it and use this time for emotional growth. You need to figure out a way to open emotionally to a person and you have to do it alone. Wish you the best of luck!

[Unity]

I agree with the others - I don't think she sounds terribly considerate or caring. She seems easily upset by the stupidest things.

[SpeedingCars]

She sounds rude. First, she gets mad at you for not "finishing". Then she basically calls you a loser for taking her to a bar where you have no friends. Why are you with her?!

[karrotjuice]

Thanks for the replies, folks.

 

Basically I think she just ended our relationship. I was chaperoning a prom tonight (I'm a teacher) and she was working, so we knew ahead of time we wouldn't be able to meet up. I ran out and bought her flowers and a panda as a surprise (planned on catching her on my way back real late after she got home from work), then called to make sure she was working/going to be home. She was a little rude on the phone, but apologized later that night.

 

After prom the teachers all went out for some drinks. She texted to let me know she was out at "her favorite bar" for karaoke night and with her friends. I told her where I was and that she should have a fun night out, figuring I'd surprise her later. Her only response was a cold "You too." and she started ignoring my texts after that. When I left the hotel bar I called and she didn't pick up. Tried texting--no response. Called and left a message, still nothing. She told me last night she was losing patience with me, but never told me why or what I was doing wrong--just didn't feel "I was that into her" or something, like she said during sex. I haven't heard from her all night, and this is the first time she's been out with friends/drinking that she HASN'T been crazy to talk to me.

 

So... that's it. And, to be honest, I'm not really that phased. I learned my lesson and a bit about myself, so if we're "done" I won't be hurt. And I have a dozen roses now my mum would probably appreciate a helluva lot more when I see her tomorrow for mother's day anyway. The dog can have the panda.