x let his girlfriend spend the night

[sandy cheeks]

I just found out that my "not yet x" has been letting his girlfriend spend the night when he has our nine year old son. They've also been spending a lot of time with her and her kids on the weekends. This is the same woman he started dating a month after I moved out... and possible before.

 

I personally have a huge problem with this. We are not divorced yet and he's pursuing an openly romantic relationship with this woman when my son is sleeping in the next room? I think it shows an incredible degree of selfishness and stupidity on his part. Am I over reacting? Custody has not been decided yet, and given the stbx's behavior I'm having a hard time still believing that joint custody is best. I'm thinking about asking my lawyer to seek full custody. Which may be what happens anyway because my butthead x is hinting that he wants sole custody. Any thoughts on this kind of situation?

[rosephase]

keep a cool head now. If he is hinting he wants sole custody the worst thing you could do is freak out in front of him, his new girlfriend, you son or her kids. I don't personally think what he is doing is wrong. (the part about spending the night not about the part of maybe cheating) consult a lawyer know what you want and don't let your emotions get the best of you. Remember that right now you are mad at him because of the break up and you don't have the best perspective on his actions. He could adopt a dying kitten and you could find a way to get angry at him for it.

 

Step back and talk to a lawyer. You don't want to do something drastic and make the custody battle more traumatizing then it's already going to be for you and for your son.

[sandy cheeks]

I'm not angry at him for the break up. I left him because he was an abusive control freak. I am angry at him for trying to "replace me" in the eyes of our son. Case in point... not two weeks after I moved out he told our son he was going to find him a "new mommy". He's trivializing me as a mother and a human being. It was that kind of selfish attitued that lead to the divorce and its not a quality I would like our son to grow up with.

[rosephase]

okay. I hear you. But the advice still stands. Be calm get a lawyer. Right now is the wrong time to try and control his actions. Just make sure they are documented so if you need them later you have them. But I can't stress this enough. Get a lawyer NOW. Start talking to someone about what you want custody to look like.

[sandy cheeks]

Oh, I do have a lawyer. And I do seek his advice. The x has been dragging this divorce out to no end. We had a mediated custody agreement all ready to go over eight months ago. He changed his mind. I compromised and paid my lawyer to revise the agreement. He still refuses to sign. My lawyer has been filing motion after motion in an attempt to move forward but the x is not providing any financial information or communicating with his lawyer. We had a deposition scheduled two weeks ago. Finally, some progress! Two days before the date my x fires his lawyer. Now we have to cancel the deposition and the following court date.

 

My lawyer says not to worry, just keep doing what I've been doing. Keep being a good mother, keep putting my son first. And I do. I always do.

 

My lawyer says "you're in the driver's seat." Meaning I have temporary sole custody, and have been making all the right decisions. I don't feel like I'm in the driver's seat. I feel like I'm at the back of the bus. I just want stability. I want a little house in the country where my son can grow up, our animals can live, and I can move on with my life. But instead I'm living with a messy custody battle and financial stonewalling hanging over my head.

[FathomFear]

I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with him proceeding with a new relationship. However, it's definitely not appropriate for him to tell your son that he's trying to get him a "new mommy". That concerns me far more his relationship. I have a friend who has a son from a previous marriage and he has always made it very clear to his son that his mommy is still his mommy even though he has a different girlfriend who "stays over".

[lostandhurt]

Sandy,

Once again you are letting him control everything about you. The custody will be decided by a judge and unless he is shooting drugs right in front of your son or is a molester he will probably get some custody.

 

I don't agree with what he is doing so early but this could be worse. Hopefully this woman is nice and not crazy.

Be careful in front of the judge so you don't come off looking like a bitter woman trying to punish her husband by getting full custody.

 

Lost

[sandy cheeks]

always the voice of reason Lost. Don't worry, I mostly come to

ENA to vent... when the emotions are still raw. I do a pretty good job of calming down when I should.

 

I'm happy on some level that he's moving on. However, he's in a better position to do that than I am. He has the house; he has the property and all the joint assets. He's spending all and any assets he can, taking trips, redecorating the house, buying stuff for his girlfriend. He doesn't have to find a house, take out a mortgage, move, furnish the house, etc. He's holding up custody and insisting on a time arrangement that I won't agree to (although I've compromised on it). I'm not bitter that he's moving on. I'm bitter that he is doing everything possible to prevent me from moving on.

 

If this ever goes to court... I won't be bitter, because the very fact we're finally in court will mean that things are moving forward. It will mean that the end is near.

[CatsMeeoow]

OK - deep breath here...

 

You left him...

 

You made a decision that your life and your son's life would be better fulfilled if you lived separately.

 

He is the father of your child and has a say in how he is raised. You may not agree but you can't belittle his rights. Of course you don't agree... the irony is if you did you wouldn't be going through a divorce.

 

Just because you wouldn't do the things your soon to be ex is doesn't mean he isn't within his rights. Your ex is moving on... you have no control or say in that. He may very well have a string a women in his life and that is out of your hands. All that will matter to a judge is that you son is loved by your ex. His basic needs are met (food/shelter). That he actively spends time with his son and his son feels safe. Are these things happening?

 

I feel your pain. The very next weekend that my son's father left he showed up at my front door with a woman to pick up my son for visitation. Yes... I was mortified and how incredibly rude... this was my home and this was my son. Honestly he did it because he was scared and had no idea how to handle an 18mo old all by himself.

 

Its okay to be angry and not approve and by all means when you go out with your gfs just really let it all out what you think of him and this woman and how they are living together but for the sake of you son keep it polite and happy. Don't put him in the middle where he feels he has to decide between you and his dad.

 

Does he love his son? Answer honestly... My fiance loves his kids and has had his heart tore out by the antics of his ex keeping them from him just because she doesn't want to see him happy with me (she doesn't want him...)

 

Is this about control?

[Baily]

It's not easy and I understand your pain...but what he's doing is OK.

 

They are sleeping in different rooms, they are providing food and shelter. They are not showing disgusting or unhealthy behaviors in front of the child...all is fine.

 

It may feel like a Mac Truck, but if you take a step back you'll see as everyone on here has..that so far what he's doing is acceptable.

 

Remember that you have that right as well....the right to sleep with another man...and he can't stop that...and trust me...when you do get a guy into your life...boy is it going to tweak him...