How to deal with female friend "pulling away"

[rapunzel]

I am female and made a female friend through another friend just over a year ago. She lives near me and we were walking together for exercise a few times a week and socializing at night occasionally. She has invited me to her friend's places a few times. I live in a tiny apartment and I don't invite people over here much as I just don't have the room and I hoping to move to a bigger place at some point.

 

She has gotten impatient with me over a few topics, namely getting over a broken heart, not buying that real estate/condo that I keep talking about (but I'm still renting), and a health issue I'm dealing with (that she has pooh-poohed a bit). I have listened to her 'stuff" for the better part of a year and haven't jumped all over her like she has with me on a few occasions. She has described herself to me as "not the most patient person". She lost her cool with me when I suggested that real estate prices in our city might not keep going up (hello, I have been following the economy and it doesn't look good). She owns a house she rents out here and she just started sputtering at me. I was talking from the perspective of a buyer trying to get in and not about her particular situation. Anyway, since then she has been avoiding me...it's quite obvious.

 

It feels very strange as we were seeing each other at least weekly for quite a while and either I wore her out with my 'stuff' or she's just intolerant. We have a mutual friend (who we met through) who she routinely trashes....this friend does have annoying quirks but I have had to defend her a bit.

 

I like this woman and I thought we were friends but I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel she is a bit immature but I can overlook that as I think she has good qualities despite this impatience. I feel she owes me an apology for getting annoyed with me over an issue like real estate but I won't hold a grudge if she does not. I feel I will have to take the high road and apologize to her and ask her if I said something that upset her, and if so, it was not my intention and can we get past it? She has excluded me recently socially and when that stuff starts happening, I feel like it's getting dumped. It doesn't feel good.

 

So do I just leave her alone for a while and let her perhaps miss having me in her life or pick up the phone and try to clear the air? Or suggest we take a walk and do it in person? I hate when this kind of thing happens. ](*,)

[uhohlala]

I feel she owes me an apology for getting annoyed with me over an issue like real estate but I won't hold a grudge if she does not. I feel I will have to take the high road and apologize to her and ask her if I said something that upset her, and if so, it was not my intention and can we get past it? She has excluded me recently socially and when that stuff starts happening, I feel like it's getting dumped. It doesn't feel good.

 

So do I just leave her alone for a while and let her perhaps miss having me in her life or pick up the phone and try to clear the air? Or suggest we take a walk and do it in person? I hate when this kind of thing happens. ](*,)

 

I guess I'm not sure what you get out of the relationship. She doesn't sound like a great friend in the long run. She might be a fun acquaintance and there's no need for incivility between you when you meet -- but you can find someone else to take a walk with. Frankly your iPod is probably better company.

 

Life is too short for shoddy "friendships." From your posts about this and other things I'm getting the sense that you feel compelled to hang on to people when you feel they've rejected you, as if you want/need to prove yourself to them. That's a losing proposition in general, and in this situation in particular I don't see what you stand to gain by persisting with someone who's been dismissive of you, accusing you of flaws (e.g. impatience) that she herself is guilty of from your perspective, and is now avoiding you.

 

If you wanted to tell her off that would be one thing (although this situation doesn't seem to warrant that, really). But why would you be apologizing, and why would you expend effort to mend a relationship whose cons matched or even outweighed the pros? I understand the impulse to defend yourself when you feel you've been misunderstood or overlooked ... but really in this case if you can't shrug it off with a dismissive "whatever," then I think you've got to figure out what it is in you that drives you to cling to people who don't treat you well.

[minou]

Do it in person. She sounds like someone who expresses herself in a passionate way. You can either choose to deal with it or not. She's clearly annoyed you several times and you don't say anything, but she can probably feel it. This is why she is withdrawing. Be warm. Tell her you miss her, if that's true. Life is too short to criticize people and dwell on their faults. Try not to take it personally when she gets annoyed or impatient. She's admitted impatience is a fault. We all have them. Personally, I don't think getting annoyed at someone means one needs to apologize for it. If I got the feeling someone thought I owed them an apology for expressing my annoyance at something, I would probably withdraw and go where I can express myself freely.

[rapunzel]

Well, perhaps I did not go into enough detail to describe her good qualities. She has not described ME as impatient, she described herself that way.

 

I don't want to tell her off, I don't see the point. It is not my style. I don't believe the cons outweigh the pros in this friendship which is why I posted this. She may feel that I haven't treated HER well. This is why I am considering taking the "high" road and asking her.

 

She has been generous to me as she has welcomed me into her home after our walks (she lives with her son) for dinner, etc. I often bring wine but I have not reciprocated (I barely have a kitchen where I live and I guess I'm a bit embarrassed by my current living arrangements).

[rapunzel]

Do it in person. She sounds like someone who expresses herself in a passionate way. You can either choose to deal with it or not. She's clearly annoyed you several times and you don't say anything, but she can probably feel it. This is why she is withdrawing. Be warm. Tell her you miss her, if that's true. Life is too short to criticize people and dwell on their faults. Try not to take it personally when she gets annoyed or impatient. She's admitted impatience is a fault. We all have them. Personally, I don't think getting annoyed at someone means one needs to apologize for it. If I got the feeling someone thought I owed them an apology for expressing my annoyance at something, I would probably withdraw and go where I can express myself freely.

 

Really? I think life is too short to NOT apologize when you have gotten annoyed with someone and realize afterwards that perhaps it was unjustified or unfair, or you failed to recognize the other's point of view sufficiently. If I express annoyance at a friend, I always try to clear the air and make sure we are "ok". Otherwise people remember these incidents and will steer clear of you (in my opinion).

 

I don't need nor expect an apology but her withdrawal is palpable. I already reached out last weekend and invited her to an event (an overnight thing out of town) but she declined. She did say offhandedly, "call me next week when you get back and maybe we can go for a walk". But that same night I asked her to go for a walk and she told me she was meeting a 'friend' for a drink and did not invite me. I ran into this "friend", a woman we have both socialized with, by chance, at the bank just before said drink (which unbeknownst to me was occurring at a bar right accross the street) and SHE invited me. I declined as I knew my friend obviously did not want me there.

 

So I don't believe I have led her to believe that she owes me an apology at all. I am feeling like I should give her some space and see if she decides to contact me.

 

Then again, I am sick of carrying this around with me for the last couple of weeks so perhaps I should just call her. I dunno.

[rapunzel]

Yes, originally I thought to myself that this was really HER problem. If she is avoiding me and doesn't want to continue our friendship, really - what recourse do I have? If she valued our friendship, and felt I insulted her in some way - would she not pick up the phone and tell me how she felt? Or is she waiting for me to do this?

 

We were spending, as a said, a lot of time together, often walking 3 times a week together. Perhaps the friendship suffered from bit of "overexposure" and that whole familiarity breeds contempt thing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have been "friends" with people like her...people who pooh pooh the issues you have, people who are impatient when you talk about your problems and try to ram their opinions down your throat. Sounds to me like perhaps this friendship has run its course. You have indeed reached out to her and she is blowing you off. I don't think apologizing for existing is really the way to go. She hasn't told you anything you did wrong so why assume it was something you did or didn't do and apologize for some unknown thing. Yes, everyone has good and bad points but she sounds like a bit of an aggressive know-it-all. It is tough when your supply of friendships is limited, but I think it is better to be alone than to be friends with someone who is impatient and moody and a know-it-all. You end up walking on eggshells around people like that.

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD. I agree, it's tough to make good female friends and it's disappointing when something like this happens. I am certainly not perfect and I am quite sure I annoyed her on occasion but if it was enough to end the friendship, well as I said, I guess that has to be her problem and not mine. Just like when one is dumped in a romantic relationship, it is often about the other person, his/her agenda and preferences and NOT about the person who is rejected.

 

You are right and it's exhausting to feel like you are walking on eggshells around someone. I do feel the friendship has tilted that way and while unfortunate, I guess I just have to accept it. And try to make some new friends.

[norsewoman]

This friendship may have run its course. I don't know if you complain a lot about your situation or not, but it sounds as if she's burned out. If you really want to get her reasons for pulling away, give her a call and ask her. It sounds like she'd probably let you know, since she did tell you she's an impatient person.

 

Are you in a position financially to purchase a house? Frankly, it's a "buyer's" market right now. As a first time home owner, you'd be eligible for some nice tax cuts as well. Might be worth looking into.

[rapunzel]

This friendship may have run its course. I don't know if you complain a lot about your situation or not, but it sounds as if she's burned out. If you really want to get her reasons for pulling away, give her a call and ask her. It sounds like she'd probably let you know, since she did tell you she's an impatient person.

 

Are you in a position financially to purchase a house? Frankly, it's a "buyer's" market right now. As a first time home owner, you'd be eligible for some nice tax cuts as well. Might be worth looking into.

 

Yes, she does sound burned out. The thing that irks me is that I listened to her "stuff' endlessly...isn't what friends do? It feels one-sided, and I feel I have been judged. I have considered calling and asking, but I'm going to wait until I feel ready to. Don't feel like taking on a lot more stress at the moment.

 

Yes, I am in a position to buy a house (well, a condo...not interested in owning a single family home by myself). I have been researching the market for several months and I live in a VERY expensive city. However, the first time home buyer credit expired on April 30th, and as far as I know, they have not extended it.

 

Buying a home is a HUGE undertaking and most of the homeowners I know are stressed out and tell me to keep renting. It's not something I want to jump into and I feel that home prices could come down a bit more, based on what is happening with unemployment, the economy, etc. That's a different topic for a different thread, however.

[rapunzel]

I'm feeling like this is just hanging over me and will continue to do so. I feel I need to take some action perhaps...

 

Often we would email during the day about going for a walk or a hike. Maybe I could email her today and would I say something in the email about it? Or is that a bad idea...

[Batya33]

I would avoid chasing after her (no pun intended). I am mostly posting to say I relate and empathize and, like you, I treasure my female friendships - they are not fungible or just for the stereotypical shopping/coffee talk (those are acquaintances).

 

I've had a few "disappearing act" experiences, most recently in the last year, and my choice was, after making three sincere attempts to contact the person -including an invitation to a celebration I was having and a happy birthday message, well, I decided the ball was in her court. I have no clue what happened but I do know I did my best to get in touch. There is that part of me that wonders "should I try again, and if so, how?" but I am mostly satisfied with my decision.

 

Here's the thing - do you really want to know the reason - do you think it will help you grow as a person? Do you want to know so you can apologize if needed? It's totally cool if the answer is no to both - you're justified in walking away given her behavior. But I hope you avoid the position of begging her to be your friend - you're a special, insightful, wise person and you deserve better friends than that.

[rapunzel]

Right. Just like in a romantic relationship, when one party starts pulling away, the other party should just let them go. We often instinctively "chase" when we should do the opposite.

 

I am aware of my faults. Whether or not I pushed her away with these faults is unclear to me.

 

I have seen her have fall-outs with other friends, and she seems to get "back together" with them but the friendship is essentially changed. She has a best friend who is a superwoman type - husband, nice house, kids, high powered career and she told me upon our last social outing how much she missed this friend when she was away and how she kept texting this friend telling her she had to come back as she "needed" her. She said she had so much in common with this friend as they both have kids the same age. Well, yeah, but you're out at a bar with ME. It felt like going on a date and the date waxes on poetically about his ex-girlfriend.

 

I think I'll give her a bit more space and just let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps I am a wee bit sensitive. Thanks Batya.

[Batya33]

Oh this friend sounds strange - and if she can categorize this other person as "superwoman" type just because of those attributes all that shows is that superwoman probably doesn't open up to your friend or your friend only has a superficial relationship with her. (whether we should label someone a "superwoman" because she chooses to have a high powered career while raising young children is for another thread I guess!). I think your friend is rude for behaving that way and sure if you want to think that your "faults" pushed her away, that's fine but I wouldn't be so quick to blame yourself.

[rapunzel]

Actually, she did not categorize her as "superwoman" - I did. I like this friend of hers very much, in fact. Her friend just seemingly has it all together, looking in from the outside. Of course, she has problems like we all do. Her children are also in high school.

 

I can only speculate but obviously I said or did something, or a few things, to make her distance herself. Whatever. It will all work out, I think...or not!

[Batya33]

Actually, she did not categorize her as "superwoman" - I did. I like this friend of hers very much, in fact. Her friend just seemingly has it all together, looking in from the outside. Of course, she has problems like we all do. Her children are also in high school.

 

I can only speculate but obviously I said or did something, or a few things, to make her distance herself. Whatever. It will all work out, I think...or not!

 

Yes - that is why I cannot stand the "superwoman" label when it's based on externalities and applauds a woman who has both a high powered career and children, as if having one or the other falls short of "superwoman" status. I don't doubt that you like the friend - just commenting on the quick labeling and the implications of that for women (especially from someone like you since you seem very self-aware, wise and insightful).

 

Good luck with your friend!

[norsewoman]

Buying a home is a HUGE undertaking and most of the homeowners I know are stressed out and tell me to keep renting. It's not something I want to jump into and I feel that home prices could come down a bit more, based on what is happening with unemployment, the economy, etc. That's a different topic for a different thread, however.

 

 

Unless their jobs are endangered, I don't understand the "stressed out" part. Of course, home ownership is a huge undertaking, but it's benefits outweigh it's negatives.

 

On to the friendship...of course, since you've done your share of listening to her endless blah, blah, blah...it does seem time to move on.

 

I will add one thing that may make me appear to be the bad guy. If I'm off base, please forgive me.

 

I am one of those women who have allowed friendships to drift away. In the one in particular friendship I'm thinking of, my friend just never seemed to go anywhere, or solve any of her issues. I know it was my duty as a friend to endlessly listen to her stuff forever, but her stuff never changed. Maybe like your friend, I'm a bit impatient. I'm also a bit "guy-like", in which I try to solve problems a bit, rather than just listen. I will say I did give things a pretty good go with her. I stuck it out for about eight years. In those eight years, her complaints never varied. In fact, twenty years later, she is still living in the same dinky apartment, single. Same job she hates.

 

Don't get me wrong, she has many great qualities. She's practically a genius, she's kind. But the constant listening to the same complaints and offering the same suggestions and watching her go nowhere year after year really got to me. I don't regret leaving the friendship.

[rapunzel]

My "friend" told me that she's the type who when she puts her mind to it, she gets it done. And it seems she does tend to judge others who don't accomplish things as quickly or efficiently as she does. I really don't want to be judged by my friends. I don't want to think that my "friend" is trashing me to her other friends.

 

I don't make big changes in my life that much, but I am a fairly successful human being. Of course, this is all relative. Perhaps I do tend to ruminate about failed relationships (as one can see on this board!) but I think friends don't reject you because of this. This 'friend' expressed a lot of her fears and worries to me over and over, about her son, and while I don't have a child, I listened and offered my support. She also talked to me about her annoyance with the father of her child. I don't know what happened that she hit the breaking point. Perhaps we have different things to worry about but if she is going to reject me because I don't meet her criteria, then as I said, it's going to have to be her problem. I am who I am, not perfect.

 

I still feel uncomfortable with the silence but I guess I'm just going to have either stick my neck out or accept it.

[Batya33]

I think it's a red flag for a friendship when one or the other seems to be keeping score about who listens more to the other's "stuff". I have a best friend for the last 30 years -- it really doesn't occur to me to think about who listens to who more except that she is a very giving person so I am careful not to take advantage of her ear (I do that with everyone but especially with her). I know she is not keeping score which motivates me even more to keep things balanced. And I don't mean perfectly balanced because life isn't like that - just overall.

[Anotherday]

Well, whether right or wrong, I myself would just let it go. If she calls you, she calls you. You were the last one to issue an invite, right? The ball is really in her court at this point.

 

I guess I have become very jaded in my advanced age when it comes to friendships. It seems to me like one almost has to mentally prepare oneself in advance for them to be a disapppointment.

 

I met someone recently online and we spoke sometimes two or three times a day on the phone. She said she wants to come visit me in August. Now it's more like...I'll call you at the end of the week. Ok, so be it. What starts off with a bang ends with a wimper I guess.

 

And I've had friends just disappear on me so I do know how much that can hurt. I have never felt compelled to ask what went wrong. I just assume that they wanted to move on and, if that was the case, I wasn't going to stop them.

 

I've also had friends who have stolen from me, turned out to be real manipulators and one (who may be on his way out after ten years) who trashed my reputation to my neighbors telling them all about my personal business when I was going through a tough time. I don't even want to step outside my front door now.

 

So? Unless someone is willing to put in the same effort I am to maintain things, I just let them go. I've been more than reasonable far too often. Sure, I'm lonely, but I am not dealing with certain things that were a real pain in the neck either.

 

You come accross as a really nice person. The only thing I might suggest going forward (and this could be part of things) is to make sure to reciprocate those invites, even if your place is small. You can always just order Chinese food or what have you.

[rapunzel]

Thanks anotherday, you are correct - I was the last one to reach out. The ball is in her court and I have not heard from her. So something is definitely up.

 

I agree I should have reciprocated the invitation and maybe it won't be too late to do that, depending on if I hear from her. I've been depressed about the midlife thing as well, and perhaps leaning on her too much....I may have worn her out. But as I said, I did listen to all her "stuff" (we ALL have STUFF!) and I believe I was a fair and patient listener.

 

If I don't hear from her, then I guess I'll just have to chalk this one up and let it go.

 

I agree that friendship, like romantic relationships, can be fraught with complications and like romantic relationships, the possibility of rejection is there. I do have some old friends that I will always have, who care about me and accept me - foibles and all. I accept them - foibles and all. I think that is what friendship is about. This new friend I aem talking about here has had fallings out with other people, and she does tend to have pretty rigid criteria. I will miss the friendship but if she doesn't want to continue it, there's not a lot I can do about it.

[rapunzel]

On Thursday I decided to just take some action and I texted her. I just said "hey, long time no walk! I'm thinking to walk after work - are you available to join me?" She texted back immediately: "OMG, I was worried about you! I can't tonight but maybe this weekend if I don't go to ___" (her out of state cabin.) I texted back: "Worried? I'm OK (reasonably!) Yes, if you don't go away and you want to walk over the weekend, let me know".

 

So she never responded. I don't think I should pursue further but her response at first made me feel better but then I thought it could just be an evasive response, especially since she has not texted back since. Or she knows she was a jerk to me that night and she doesn't want to face up to her behavior, and would rather just dump me. I dunno.

 

At least I can say I tried, right?

 

I was thinking I would suggest after walking some night I would cook dinner for her. Then I realized it's like dating, like I'm trying to woo her! That might come off as pursuit and a lot of people tend to back off with pursuit, no matter what sex is after them.

[Batya33]

I think it sounds fine - is it possible she never received your last message?

 

I don't chase after friends. I just received an email that is almost the same email I receive from a friend of mine every few months for almost the last 2 years "I've been thinking of you often and would love to catch up!" It's lovely except that it comes months after she either blew off another plan to get together or I returned her call promptly (and got voice mail). So, I respond politely but always mention "I called you [2] months ago and I never heard back". She often claims not to have gotten the message - but that can't be true all of those times and if she is thinking of me "often" you'd think she'd try to call one more time in 2-3 months. In the past, before she started this behavior, I didn't stand on ceremony as far as who called who last.

 

It is like dating to the extent that you have to take care of yourself and decide that you deserve a reliable person -- and that if the person isn't reliable, you don't keep calling/texting and if you hear from the person you find a way to be assertive (always polite) and make sure the person knows what you expect. Or, you decide, enough is enough. My mindset is - I have time to return a call/e-mail once. For a very close friend or for someone I know would never take advantage of my time and is typically very reliable, I'll try again - maybe a few more times even - but that's unusual. It feels good to treat myself as a person whose time is too valuable to keep calling someone who can't be bothered to return a phone call/e-mail - most of the time it's true on a practical level - I don't have that kind of time - but why should I make that kind of time?

[rapunzel]

Well, she got my first text so I don't see why she would not receive my second text which I sent right after I got her reply.

 

I won't chase her and I agree: at this age, who has the time or the energy. Friendships do take work and I tend to forgive people as I like to keep old friends but no one has the time to keep up with EVERYone. But at this point apparently it's not up to me. I've made two overtures and now I'll just shrug my shoulders and say "whatever".

 

We were fast walking for exercise together at least 2 times a week, and sometimes more, so for her to disappear now that nice weather is here, is weird. Maybe she found someone else to walk with. I've been going alone as I don't know that many people who can or want to walk or hike FAST for exercise. A stroll just doesn't do it for me unless that's what I know I'm getting into.

 

So if I don't hear from her this week or next, I'll have to assume that I pissed her off, that she'd rather not talk about it and she'd rather move on from our "friendship".

[norsewoman]

If you do value her friendship, please don't assume anything. One of my oldest, dearest friends "assumed" that I was writing her off a couple of weeks ago. I was flabbergasted. Turns out her anti-depressants aren't working that well any longer and she mistook an extended period of non-contact as an "eff"-you. Please have a heart-to-heart with her.