Struggling with my ex's behaviour

[SadAndy]

Hi all,

 

As many of you will know my ex of 14yrs dumped me 3 mths ago for a younger man.

 

Over the 14yrs we were together we had a daughter 8 yrs ago and everything was fine.

5 yrs ago she had a 6 month affair with my 'best mate' which only ended when I found out. Her excuse for that one was that 'we weren't getting on'. True enough, we were bickering but I was the one at the time who was losing sleep trying to make it work. Her having an affair was not going to solve anything so it was a very weak argument which I bought as I wanted it to be true.

 

3 mths ago she left me for a 21yr old man who she works with. I had been suspicious since about November and although she repeatedly denied anything was happening, even swearing on our daughters life repeatedly, I worked it out and confronted her, which was when she admitted it.

She then confessed a couple of weeks later that SHE had infact restarted the affair with the original guy 18mths ago! Apparently she had 'fallen out of love' with me and there were 'serious problems with our relationship'. It's a shame that she never once talked to me and indeed, I didn't think (and still don't, other than her cheating) that our relationship was that bad at all.

 

I am now at the point where I am blaming myself for being a crappy boyfriend, even though I know I did nothing wrong and she has told me this. She is so happy with this new bloke and texted me last week to say 'he has shown me what was wrong with our relationship' that I feel I must have failed at something, even though I was kind and devoted to our family.

 

The question that I am really asking through this post is that even if I had been the worlds worst partner, is there anyway that her behaviour could be justified?

She has destroyed our daughters stable family life and been able to deceive me for periods totalling nearly 2 yrs.

 

I just cannot accept that someone could behave in such a self centred, evil way especially a mother and the fact that she looked me in the eye and repeatedly swore on our daughters life, makes me feel physically sick.

I have spoken to my therapist about this but all she said was 'not everyone has the same views on things' which was no help to me at all as this is not some slight 'misdemeanour' but a fundamental attack on the basic morals of a human being.

[Leveller]

I'm not sure that anything we can say will dilute the pain and hurt you feel. She is in the wrong and not you though. Whatever the merits or problems within your relationship were she could have talked them through...although we all sometimes have a basic tendency to bury our heads in the sand when we hit troubled times. However telling you that this new man makes her realise all that was wrong in your relationship is both hurtful and cruel IMO and also a method of validating her decision. What happens when they run into rocky times? Will she say 'Well, this makes me realise how good I had it in the forst place?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

First of all, you are not to blame for what she has done. Second, if your therapist simply stated

'not everyone has the same views on things'

without elaborating and clarifying, then she/he has done you a grave disservice. While she is right that not everyone has the same view, what she neglected to tell you was that emotionally troubled people, personality disordered people, people without a conscience and sound moral values do things like what your ex did. Your ex's actions are about HER...her character failings, her lack of a conscience, her lack of empathy, her view that life should be one big party with no responsibility to others. Yes, sadly there are lots of people like your wife out there...people who con others, look them in the eye and lie, cheat, rip up families, blame the other person etc. Do not internalize what she did and think you were a bad partner and that is why she did it. She did it because she has a warped code of conduct and no conscience.

[OccultFigurine]

Hi Andy

 

Sometimes relationships don't work. And that's not anybodys fault....your ex is at fault because she cheated instead of trying to work things out with you, and thats not your fault either.

 

It's so easy to get lost in the 'what if's' when a relationship ends,but while I would NEVER condone anyone cheating (its wrong and cowardly) could there be a chance that the relationship would have ended anyways?

 

You need to start healing, and though all these questions you have are often part of the healing process, try not to dwell on them too much and get yourself stuck

 

xxxx

[Tanzi]

I'm so sorry you are going through this SadAndy. My ex-husband walked out on me and later said he wished that he had stuck around to talk about our problems. The thing is he left me for someone else and only really started thinking that when that relationship didn't work out either. It seems the issues that he was harbouring during our marriage are within him and are nothing to do with me or our marriage. He carried them onto his new relationship and found himself in exactly the same position.

 

What I am trying to say is that this is NOT your fault. If there were serious problems in your marriage then you would have been aware of them. The likelihood of what actually happened was that your ex was having issues that she should have spoken to you about, yet she took the easy route out by finding someone else which is selfish and cowardly. Don't think for one moment that the onus is on you and that you were a crappy boyfriend. If you were I'm sure you would have heard it said many times. Unfortunately, couples just grow apart and fall out of love but, more often than not, it only happens on one side of the relationship. Sometimes these things are workable, sometimes they aren't. The fact that she didn't give you or the relationship a chance and had another affair puts her in the wrong.

 

When people have affairs they do become self-centred and plain nasty ... they have to justify their actions for a start. So she says that being with this new guy has taught her all that was wrong with your marriage does she? Well, try not to take that too much to heart as she is justifying her actions again, to herself more than anyone, and she is probably on a high with this new relationship ... she will soon come down and back to normality.

 

Oh and btw, three years ago (well almost) I was where you are. Now, I am having the time of my life and, despite how desperate I was at the time, I would not go back to what we had for all the money in the world. Remember she has already had an affair before. Would you really want to go back to that? One day, you will be happy that you aren't stuck in an untrustworty marriage.

[SadAndy]

well, i've just had a text from her about an unrelated topic in which she wishes me well etc.

 

I stupidly replied stating that I can't believe we are not still together and our family is broken and that she can get over me so quickly etc.

 

Just got a reply in which she states that I will always mean alot to her (but not the way I want it to), she never meant to hurt anyone and people and situations change.

No mention of her feeling low about everything etc. She is so far up her own arse at the moment its unbelievable.

 

I so hope it all crashes down around her!

[HouseKitten]

The question that I am really asking through this post is that even if I had been the worlds worst partner, is there anyway that her behaviour could be justified?

 

The short answer is no.

 

No matter what her excuses are, you were in a supposedly monogamous relationship. Unless you'd specifically said to her 'sure, sleep with other men' then there's no excuse. Even if you were a terrible partner, that's still no excuse - the mature response to a failing relationship is to either work on it, or end it, not pull other people into it.

[SadAndy]

I've just had another text reply to my question asking how she 'as a mother could repeatedly swear on her own daughters life'.

The answer is that she is genuinely repulsed by what she has done and it was' not her but some strange crazy woman who invaded her body. She hadn't been herself for quite a while'.

 

Could it be that she has genuinely 'seen the light' and changed (i hope not), that she is lying or that she is so deeply in love with the new bloke that it is what she belives now. Has she changed?

[HouseKitten]

Look, she doesn't want you to think badly of her. All that stuff about 'a crazy woman invaded by body' is complete BS. Was she possessed? Did you have to perform an exorcism on her at any point? Yeah right. She's just trying to assuage her guilt about cheating on you and being a generally untrustworthy character.

 

There's no way she's changed in this short amount of time. And besides - who cares if she has? She cheated on you - you're well rid of her.

[Tanzi]

I've just had another text reply to my question asking how she 'as a mother could repeatedly swear on her own daughters life'.

The answer is that she is genuinely repulsed by what she has done and it was' not her but some strange crazy woman who invaded her body. She hadn't been herself for quite a while'.

 

Could it be that she has genuinely 'seen the light' and changed (i hope not), that she is lying or that she is so deeply in love with the new bloke that it is what she belives now. Has she changed?

 

I agree with housekitten ... all the "it was not me but some srange crazy woman who invaded my body" is BS!! She may well be repulsed by what she said but she said it nonetheless. She was having an affair and you confronted her, then would have been the time to come clean especially if she wanted out of the marriage anyway but, again, she took the cowardly way out ... by lying.

 

Nothing has changed, she had an affair, she lied and she is now with someone else ... whether it lasts is another matter but from what you've said in your posts she seems to want to be where she is right now.

[SadAndy]

i accept that she is happy where she is (wish she wasn't but there you go), but I genuinely believe her and I don't know whether that is because i'm in a mess and want to see the best in her or not.

 

I cannot argue with the fact that she knowingly did it of her own free will for 18 months but whether she has changed because of her 'new love' or whether its because she truly is sorry, i don't know.

 

I accept the point above that if she had changed she could have confessed at the time but who knows? I suppose I still want her to be a cheater so that she will mess this new bloke about and it wont be something that she done 'to me' so to speak.

[Tanzi]

I understand what you are saying. Despite everything my ex-husband did to me I believe he is a good person deep down who just keeps making very bad decisions. Yes he was a coward and deceitful like your ex but I guess his only crime was to fall out of love me. Accepting that stopped me from feeling bitter and eaten up by his actions. Only you know your ex-wife and if you believe she is truly sorry then go with that.

 

Who knows how things will pan out with her new bloke. I know at this stage its hard not too but try to not take things too personally, Crazyaboutdogs made some extremely good and very valid points above.

[Lifes4Living]

Hi Andy, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Ive broken up with my ex now 3 months ago and she wont leave me alone, she broke up with me claiming independance and said it was nothing to do with committment and starting a family (yes we had been together a long time without being married - 6 yrs). Swore blue in the face it was nothing to do with that, and I confronted her when she was giving me the goodbye speech over her cheating on me, she seemed sincere and there was no pause but how can you tell, Ive suspected shes cheated but then was it sexual or emotional cheating (is there a difference?).

 

Its very sad that there is a daughter involved. And from the sounds if you arent careful you might let yourself and your mind spiral out of control? remember there is nothing wrong with asking for help (ie a counsellor) just to talk to, or atleast try it as it helps majorly.

[SadAndy]

I think i've just answered my own question.

 

My ex was never to blame for anything. Whatever she done, someone else was to blame or had also done it.

This question that I asked her, she was banged to rights unable to wriggle out of. So what does she do, she blames a 'supernatural power' for doing it!

 

You couldn't make it up!

 

Whilst I can laugh about it now, it really dragged me down this afternoon to the point where I was in tears (again) and having MAJOR 'dark' thoughts as I didn't feel I had the strength to carry on.

This truly is an emotional rollercoaster and I want to get off!

 

The only thing that is upsetting me is the fact that she clearly doesn't give me a second thought, so soon after the end.

I really do hope that one day soon I wake up and see her for what she really is and that ultimately I have lost nothing and had a lucky escape!

[Tanzi]

I think i've just answered my own question.

 

My ex was never to blame for anything. Whatever she done, someone else was to blame or had also done it.

This question that I asked her, she was banged to rights unable to wriggle out of. So what does she do, she blames a 'supernatural power' for doing it!

 

You couldn't make it up!

 

 

I really do hope that one day soon I wake up and see her for what she really is and that ultimately I have lost nothing and had a lucky escape!

 

I'm glad you have come to this realisation. You are totally right.

 

And yes one day you will wake up and see her for what she really is.