Should I stay or should I go?

[Bea123]

Hello , I must admit I am usualy not the type of person who does any Internet transactions in order to receive advice, but I'm desperate. My boyfriend and I have been together two years and at first it was perfect. He has had depression issues from the beginning but I fell on love and could never leave. Recently, I became tired and gave up. I stopped caring and I put up a barrier so he would never be able to hurt me again. When I did that he noticed and from day to day i saw him transform into the man I knew he could be and the man of my dreams. He spoke about ring married and asked me if I would marry him on the spot, he spoke about having children and even told his daughter about his new goals. My boyfriend does have a 5 year old daughter whom I take most care of and I love very much. So the fact that he changed not only effected him and I, but made his daughter extremely happy as well. The change was absolutely wonderful although we had a small rough patch because he knew I wasn't letting him back inside my heart. I finally put my guard down and accepted him back into my heart. Then he changed back into the person he previously was. Emotionally abusive, he hated being around me and he is lost on if he still wants to be with me. We've been fighting for a week now and he has not let me help what so ever. He keeps tellig me to give up and leave. He expresses how he hates our relationship and how he feels it is all holding him back. But at the same time he says he knows he wants to be with me and he won't leave. I'm so confused and my heart is breaking more and more everyday. He won't get help because truly we can't afford it and we have no insurance and he has given up on his life all together. I know I'm

not an angel but I have been by his side through everything for two years and only got it back for a month of the relationship. So with that said, my question, should I stay? or should I go? And if I do stay what should I do. I haven't left because I've never felt strong enough but now I feel I can make either decision and be okay.

 

With all appreciation,

Always lonely but never alone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The cycle of emotional abuse:

Step 1: Emotional Abuse

Step 2: Victim gets fed up and finally decides to shut down

Step 3: Abuser panics and makes all kinds of promises to change. Becomes the warm, thoughtful, caring person the victim saw at the very beginning

Step 4: Victim sees the the positive change and once again opens her heart

Step 5: Abuser reverts back to the emotionally abusive and distancing behaviours

Steps 6 etc.: Wash, rinse, repeat

 

I suspect that if you throw in the towel once again he will panic again and go back to being Mr. Nice Guy. Then once you feel secure again he will revert back to being Mr. Jerk.

Perhaps it is time to walk away from this relationship. His depression is his to fix and you don't need to be his scapegoat for what ails him.

[greywolf]

OP, if you decide to stay, you must realize that he will never change. You must be willing to accept that. You can't stay because you have hope that he might change one day, because he won't.

 

Personally, I think it would be best if you left this guy. You need to think about yourself, and I don't think you'd find happiness with him.

[nutbrownhare]

What Crazyaboutdogs said. This is really typical abusers' behaviour; and the longer you stay in this relationship the harder you'll find it to leave, and the more it will mess with you emotionally. Staying with this kind of guy is crazy-making - it's impossible to have a meaningful, stable emotional connection with somebody like this.

 

It's sad about his depression, but you didn't break him - and you can't fix him.

 

For your own sanity, leave this guy as soon as you can. Make sure you get plenty of support and companionship from other people, so you aren't tempted to go back to him when you feel lonely and/or depressed.

[muchacha_abril]

Like Greywolf said, be realistic. You don't want to be in a relationship in which you have to act tough all day just so that your man is nice to you. It's exhausting and it will make you unhappy. A relationship should make you feel relaxed and happy, not stressed out all the time. I wouldn't buy into his marriage proposal. Some men will promise anything just so things can go back to what they were.

[Bea123]

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I guess I've always known in my heart what I have to do but I have been so scared to leave my family and start over. But i honestly feel in my heart that I no longer have the love from him I thought I was supposed to feel from him. I do still deeply care about him and I have been trying to get him to sit down and talk to me for the past couple weeks but it doesn't seem to be working at all. He completely ignores me and if he says we will talk when he gets home he usually will just sit a room away from me and stay away all day to avoid having to speak to one another at all. The hardest part I think will be leaving his daughter as well. He is very cruel and I strongly doubt he will ever allow me to see her again. I'm at a point where I'm starting to blame myself for all this happening to me and I don't truly know how to get my life back. I know I will be okay leaving but I don't even know where to begin especially when he is constantly ignoring me. Any tips on how to get him to speak to me?

[Bea123]

Also I keep having this Idea about how I should pull away. The last time I did I made some friends outside of the relationship and that helped me to pull away, at this time I don't really have anyone. I've pretty much abandoned them because my boyfriend was lonely and I was spending a lot of time away, with school and study groups with my friends. I felt that it was the one thing that helped me be strong but I knew it was wrong in such a way that I was making myself fall out of love before I actually left. Would it be wrong to start that way again?

[nutbrownhare]

I felt that it was the one thing that helped me be strong but I knew it was wrong in such a way that I was making myself fall out of love before I actually left. Would it be wrong to start that way again?

If being around people who you enjoy and affirm you is making you fall out of love with your partner - you weren't in love to begin with! There's nothing honourable about staying with someone who abuses you, and nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and taking responsibility for yourself - in fact, the latter is vital.

 

Your wellbeing is your responsibility, and do whatever you need to do. The only indication that it would be 'wrong' would be if it was unlikely to work for you. Getting support from people who are willing to give it is your first step!

[Bea123]

I understand what you mean but I guess I may have miswrote what you are referring to. What i meant was I was trying to make myself let go of the relationship before I left so I wouldn't hurt as bad. In the sense that I was hoping I would fall out of love so I didn't care when I packed my stuff to move. I have a feeling when I leave that he may not even care about the difference, and Im not sure if Im okay with that. I do understand what your saying though. I want to pull away so I don't hurt. I have been hurting for a very long time and feel that I am not the one who deserves to hurt after all the things that I have been through with him. A part of me wishes that all my pain could be bestowed on him, to pay him back for all the pain he's put me through. But the wise part of me knows I am not the type to seek vengeance on anyone and I also love him enough to know that I don't want him to hurt and I know that he cant handle anymore pain.