Trying hard to move on, but something's holding me back

[tiger_lilies]

Short version: Yesterday as I was walking home from work, I was approched by a man who I ended up talking with for a long while. Basically I got picked up, we exchanged phone numbers and parted ways. He seems like a nice man and for the rest of the day I was feeling like my ego had a good boost of energy. I went to the gym and had a fantastic work out and just felt great about myself...the first time in 2.5 months since my break up of three years.

 

Problem is, I now feel guilty for going any further with this man. Almost like I'm the one whose cheating (my ex cheated on me which caused our break up). I really want to start meeting new people and try dating again. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been approched by two other men on separate occasions and I haven't made any effort towards them. I wasn't ready yet. But I want to be ready. I want to get back out there and find someone.

 

It almost feels like I have to remain faithful because my ex and I will eventaully get back together. But I know that we will not. I don't want to get back together with him. I have no trust left in him.

 

Why am I making things so difficult for myself? Does anyone have a logical explanation as to why I feel this way? I'm not 100% over my ex and I still cry sometimes when I think about the pain he's put me through. But I really want to start flirting and getting back into the game. Any advice from the forum?

[Lily04]

I'd suggest for you to go out with the guy, you need to move on with your life & get over your ex. You said that you want to get back out there & find someone, and I think this is a good way to do it. You may feel that you're not ready yet but you won't know until you try. Go out with him & see how it feels, if you have a great time, then go out again & take it as slow as you wish. If you don't feel comfortable, then you can just stay friends.

 

Good luck,

 

lily04

[DopeStar]

I have that same issue, I've only been a free man for 2 weeks now but I know where your coming from. I find it's harder to get over the fact that I was such a fool and so blinded by love for this person that I never even saw the fact that she was cheating on me. I spoke to her the other day and still found it hard to not believe her. She would speak and I would believe, and I've had a lot of people tell me she did all the bad things I've heard, even her friends told me. It's hard and it hurts and I don't believe it's her that I'm upset about, I feel I get more upset about how dumb I was. But I guess that's love, blinding and Uncontrollable, but thats what also makes it so much fun...

[AB38]

Please listen to this....You are not together anymore. You have the absolute right to start seeing other people. I was in a similar situation, felt the guilt, but then told myself that it was ok. It's part of the process of moving on. You are not cheating!

 

However, make sure you are doing this for you. Go out with him but be careful not to transfer any lingering emotions you have on to your new mate. Take it slow.

[JT]

I felt the same way too about sleeping with 3 girls 1 month past my breakup which was initiated by me. If he cheated on you, thats more of a reason to go out with someone else and not wait for him to come back to you. Not to sound mean but I'm sure he's out there poking around. I mean for me its just empty sex really. I'll get sick of it after awhile and want something more. I'm talking to a lot of girls.. just to keep my options open. For the first time I can pick and choose who I want to see and when I want to see them... think about it... is'nt that great? I can eat corn flakes for dinner too!

 

Your not at the point yet where you can think objectively. Or if its been a long time then you seriously need to get on with your life and put the past behind you. I still think about my ex every so often thats true.. but the more other girls I see out there the more and more she becomes less in my mind. I suggest you keep up your gaming skills by talking to lots of boys, even if your not interested or you dont find them attractive.. whatever. Use it as practice to get the one you want. Dont become an anti-social homophobe who's stuck in the past and can't hold a conversation with a 5 year old.

 

And whats this about you have to remain faithful? Phooey. You dont owe him JACK.

 

I've said this before. Accept the fact he's not coming back. The sooner you accept it, the sooner your able to get on with your life and function like a normal, happy human being.

[tiger_lilies]

You're all absolutely right, I need to move on. I will shake this guilt feeling by ignoring it and concentrate on me only. I just need to get used to the feeling of being single and dating again. It's been so long, I feel out of practice. Now I don't have anyone to answer to but myself. Thanks guys for the encouragment.

[JT]

Ask yourself why you feel guilty...

 

Explore your feelings.. do not run from them. Why do you feel guilty? Do you think he feels guilty..

 

and so on and so on and so on...

[Hopingpraying]

I don't think it is all to terrible that you feel bad. It has been 5 months since my wife moved out and about 7 months since we have actually been together. I just recently started dating and I feel guilty about it. I think this is a good thing though. I still care about her and love her. I would think if it was that easy to get over our ten year relationship then maybe I didn't really love her. This lets me know I did I guess in some strange way.

But feeling bad and not getting on with your life are two different things. You shouldn't let this feeling of guilt paralyze you. Know that it is there and accept it for what it is..... It is your heart telling you that you still love someone else, and you feel guilty about trying to let go.

 

After you understand that you should also realize that you need to move on and this will help you do this...

 

I hope I can take my own advice. My problem is my divorce is not final until August 10th, and I feel guilty for not waiting till then, but I need compaionship and seven months is already a heck of a long time to wait.

 

Good luck!!

[tc]

First off, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!!! HE cheated on you, and you are now single, so if you do end up dating someone, that's your perogative! I was in a 10 1/2 yr relationship that he decided to end one day (completely out of left field!!!) only to find out that he was shacked up with another woman a month later, and a month after that she's preggers!! not cool!!! it took me a good year to let go and move on! as lonely as i was during that time, i never felt 100% ready to start dating again, maybe due to the fear of getting hurt, the fear of starting over, getting to know someone new from scratch, yadda yadda, yadda... whatever it was, it held me back and i was unavailable emotionally to anyone, so my advice to you is this: until you feel completely over him, the relationship, the hurt, and everything else associated with a break-up, don't jump into anything. find out who you are outside of a relationship before starting another, and you have to be 100% ok with being alone, before you can be with someone else, by that i mean, you have to feel complete on your own. some people don't feel complete unless they're with someone, and i don't think that's a healthy way of thinking. but that's just me, take this advice and do with it what you will. best of luck and hang in there. it's not an easy journey, but it's worth the trip...

[Scout]

One thing to warn you about - if you go out on a date and it sucks, your first reaction might be to think "no one is right for me but my ex - I'm calling him right now!" DON'T THINK OR DO THIS. It's a natural reaction. You'll be surprised to see how good it feels when you're on a fun date with a guy that gives you the ole butterflies in the stomach...you'll quickly get over any feelings of guilt then, trust me! Now, go out there and let the world know you're BACK. Go get 'em!