brother

[SamiJayne]

My brothers having a hard time at the moment. He's older than me, and in to drugs. I always thought it was only weed he was taking, which was bad enough. But now I found out he's facing jail with supplying drugs, the new drug methodrome? or what ever its called, and cocain? he said its not as bad as normal cocain.. its party cocain?

 

I have no idea about drugs!

 

But he's with a woman who beats him up, and he's seriously depressed. My mum is no help to him. She's a horrible person, only cares if she gets something out of it.

 

So my partner and I've talked about it... and we've asked him as soon as he finds out about his bail and when his sentencing date is, if the judge agrees for him to come and live with me. It's over 5 hrs away from where he lives now. So I hope this change for him will help him.

 

i will have rules though... No smoking tobaco in the house. And he has to come of the drugs. And he can't be dealing or supplying or what ever it is he does anymore.

 

As I have a 6 month old. He also will have to go to my gp, and get his depression, and drug addiction sorted..

 

Is that fair? considering he won't be paying rent, or anything. And he's going to have his own room, and free run of the house? Plus I'll be supplying him with cash to buy clothes, toiletress... and bits and bobs he wants. ?

 

And any advice? I don't know anything about addicts, or them coming of the drugs. But I do need to help my brother. (He probably will be going jail soon, and will get about 4 yrs his solicitor thinks)

[SamiJayne]

oh and our grandma just recently died also. So he's even more depressed over that. As he was extreamly close to her. And he's deverstated. =(

[DN]

As an addict with depression he has what is known as a 'concurrent disorder' and should be properly treated, ideally in a residential setting but whatever treatment is available should be explored. It may be that part of the treatment plan would involve family members. Be aware the the relapse rate for addicts who become clean is approximately 90%.

[metrogirl]

Well he is your brother and I can understand you wanting to help him, however drug addicts and dealers can't always give up the addiction. He's addicted to the drugs and likely to the money that he was getting from selling drugs.

 

It's kind of a big risk because what if he moves back in with you and you find out that he is either using or dealing again, then what?

[SamiJayne]

Then he'll get a one way train ticket back to where he came from. I'm not having drugs near my son. He's my brother and I love him. I will not, however risk my sons environment. He'll only get this one chance with me.

[sidehop]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, you are talking methadone, synthetic narcotic that's prescribed to heroin and cocaine addicts.

 

You really have to think about this for the sake of your family. If I were in your situation I probably won't allow my own sister with such addiction to live with us.

 

My wife lost her sister two years ago to methadone addiction and accident stemming from it. That's when we found out the truth about the power of methadone. Bottom line, these drugs don't help people, it makes them spend more money to be on it (legally) and the withdrawal time is so long, most people take anywhere from a year to few years to be completely free. Unlike real heroin with withdrawal symptoms that may last for no longer than a week, methadone can last as much as 30 days. The withdrawal symptoms from going cold-turkey they say is a living nightmare.

 

It changed my wife's sister who was so innocent to a person that was completely out of it all the time and can only live to stay somewhat clean. It just didn't happen, aside from methadone when the fix is needed I'm sure she's done other hard drugs. She's gotten into three accidents within a span of six months by herself. The fourth killed her going head-on to an oncoming SUV.

 

If he's addicted to methadone let alone distributing it, I'd really think twice about the environment he will be creating. You just don't know the type of people he may be bringing in and if he's an addict who's to say he won't be an addict for many years to come. I completely understand that he's your brother but again I would never put my own child in danger someone selling drugs let alone a drug user.

[Pinnsvini]

Just to say Sidehop I think she means mephedrone, which is a drug that was legal until last week in the UK and was distributed as "research chemicals" or "plant food" and has an effect similar to cocaine/ectasy, rather than the methadrone script prescribed to ex-herion addicts. However it's now illegal in pretty much most of Europe.

 

However what you said still holds very true, it's very compulsive and easily becomes an addiction, however until last week dealers were not charged as it was legal until then.

[sidehop]

Ah! Thank you for the correction

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, it's not realistic to believe that you can detox someone in your home. Your offer might be reasonable for someone who's already clean and working to rebuild his life, but one arrest doesn't cleanse a person's system, and if he's been dealing, he's in too deep to just shut down and begin operating in accord with your healthy household. He's maintaining right now until he serves time--and he's got no real incentive to go through the pain of cleaning up with a 4 year sentence over his head.

 

If his lawyer can get him a deal for going through rehab, that's your best bet.

[SamiJayne]

I agree, him living here isn't going to help get him clean. But I will be making him go to my GP (doctor) to get all the help available.

 

And his lawyer won't get him a deal so he can go to rehab. It just doesn't happen like that in the UK.

 

And this isn't his first arrest. Sadly. Plus he's already got a criminal record. And my younger brother is already in jail for trying to burn down our grandmas next door neighbours house. So my two brothers are well known by the police.

 

And yes Pinn thats the drug I meant. He says he only uses stuff like that at parties. But he tries to hide a lot of things from me. As I'm ignorant towards drugs.

 

I had a serious chat with my mother in law. And shes worried about him stealing. So we are going to have a crack down over the next few weeks before he arrives. I.E. no more leaving money lying around. Checking how many games we've got. Checking our gaming equipment daily. And making sure everything that's worth something is still there each day.

 

And if he does steal. I shall be pressing charges. But I am going too far, trying to guess all that may happen!. For all I know my brothers going to be so much better here. He loves me. He knows I've gone through a lot lately. And that I don't need anymore crap. He was there when I burried my daughter. He knows that I can't take him making drama in my life.

[catfeeder]

Yes, I think you're going too far. Stealing is practically speaking the least of the problem--getting him to stay there past day 1 is the problem. Sure, you can offer him a doctor's visit, but you can't make him comply with anything the doc says. You're expecting an addict to go clean and behave in your home, and that's loving and natural. It's also naive.

 

He won't wish to cause you grief, he just can't help BUT do that.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[SamiJayne]

Maybe I am Naive. But he's my brother. And he needs me. And I will do all I can for him. And if thats not enough, then I'll just hope that if he goes to jail that it will sort him out.

[catfeeder]

Coming back to this because I feel bad about casting gloom over your determination to help your brother without offering anything.

 

My biggest fear is that you're setting your brother up to fail and to unintentionally harm your relationship, only because you don't realize that a bar of 'normal' behavior is likely too high for him to reach and maintain for any length of time.

 

Harming you is not his intention--he means what he says, he just in all probability can't manage to stay in your home without using.

 

So, here's what I'd consider in your shoes: offer him the trip, the doctor's visit, and show him a drawer near your door with an envelope containing fare home should he feel the need for it.

 

Tell him you'll check the drawer daily, and if the money's gone, he needs to be gone with it, but there will be no damage to your relationship.

 

This way, you're not luring brother 5 hours away with a tempting offer that turns out to be something he can't pull off, only to have him steal from you to return and irreparably ruin your relationship.

 

With you in spirit.

[sidehop]

Theft was a huge problem with my wife's sister. Every chance she had she would try to steal from someone.

 

As much as he's your brother no matter what drugs, if they want it and can't buy it, they result to theft which a lot of times is one of the reasons why people steal.

 

I'm more concerned about the safety of your child though.

[avman]

I hate to say it SamieJayne but prison might be the best option for him. As others have said, you cannot be a drug treatment center in your own home. And you have a child there which means you will be endangering your child's safety.

 

Though I know you are trying to say "Oh, well I'll just kick him out then if that happens" it is not that easy to do once he is there. Evicting a loved one is extremely difficult to accept. Because now you have the guilt of kicking them out on the street.

 

Your brother needs extensive residential treatment. He needs to rethink everything he says and does. And as DN mentions there is a very high likelihood of relapse. Those addicts who do clean up sometimes go through 10 or 20 treatments before they get it together.

 

Much as it may pain you I'm strongly advising you NOT to take him into your home. Offer as much support as you can for him to enter a residential treatment program. And if he needs to do time in prison first, then he does. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and not be regularly bailed out by people.